A/N: I fought with myself about putting this up or not. I decided to do so. I got this from Rock of Love, I've never seen a show so raunchy before and I had to do a parody of it. So I decided to subject Bella and Edward to this type of humiliation because it makes me feel better about myself. And that's all that matters in the end. :P
Summary: Edward is a sexy vampire looking for his coffin mate. Bella is an average student that lost a bet and ended up on his TV show. My take on every celebrity dating show out there. NOT RAUNCHY!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
"We've trivialized the vampire.
I think it happened about the time 'Count Chocula' found its way to cereal boxes."
-F. Paul Wilson, Midnight Mass
Coffin of Love
I was going to kill Emmett for subjecting me to this kind of humiliation. I straightened my tie and frowned, I didn't need Alice's extra eye to know this was going to end badly. A soft knock came from my door, the person behind the door didn't wait for an answer before walking in. I didn't have to turn around to know it was Carlisle.
"You don't have to do this." He was excited about the this as I was.
"I know. But what harm could it do?" I tried to sound calm, but it was becoming increasingly difficult as the hour approach me. His lips tighten and I got a peek into his mind, a flash of images clouded it. I knew where he was going with this. "Alice is keeping an eye out, I talked to the producer and he agreed to stop taping the minute that any of us feels uncomfortable. Besides I have high money riding on this." I smiled at him, hinting that it was a joke. He didn't laugh.
"Just be careful."He loosed his lips and walked out of the room. I took a deep breath before sighing. I was going to hate this.
I was going to kill Jessica for subjecting me to this kind of humiliation. And how the heck did I even get chosen! I'm not that special, I'm not here to find love, I'm not here to be on TV, I was here because I lost a bet. I looked at Jessica beside me, her usually curly hair was straightened out, her make up was applied heavily on her soft face. She looked like she belonged on a street corner or some raunchy dating show that was only made so the person starring in it won't leave the public eye. I guess she fitted in fine.
"He'll never choose you if you dress like that." Jessica told me, again.
I smiled. "That's what I'm hoping for." Everyone was dressed in revealing dresses or shirts that show more cleavage than a Motley Crue concert.. I was in torn jeans and an over sized turtle neck t-shirt that showed nothing. I didn't bother packing any cloths because I knew that I was going home early. So I just put a couple of books and a CD in a backpack.
Jessica rolled her eyes and started to squeal, a long with 18 other girls, I gripped my ears and yelled "Ouch!" loudly. They ignored me and continued to scream.
We drove up to the mansion that would be my home for the next couple of hours. The girls started talking excitedly to each other, Jessica started a conversation with the girl behind her about how hot he was and how excited they were. I started to sink into my chair, wishing that the next couple of hours would just go away.
The bus stopped at the door, I looked out the window to see the producers and writers. Why a reality TV show has writers, I don't know. They walked into the bus, a huge smile on their faces, I fought the urge to flip them off. Jessica squeezed my arm in anticipation. I would have squeezed back but I was too busy holding my lunch down.
The producers and writers filed themselves on to the bus, the same smiles on their faces. "Hello ladies."
The girls screamed. I could see one of the writers starting to retreat, I thought about following his lead.
"A couple of rules before we get started with the show." The girls quieted down and paid attention. "Don't stare at the cameras, try to be yourselves."
Like that was going to happen.
"No fighting, that will automatically get you kicked off the show."
And yet that rule has never gone into effect in any dating show ever recorded.
"The confession booths are for your benefits, please don't be afraid to abuse them."
Trust me, I won't.
"And the main rule of all, have fun!" He yelled the last part out, the girls started to scream as they crowded off the bus.
I banged my head on the seat in front of me as Jessica jumped over the seat in front of us to be one of the first people off the bus. I took a deep breath before sighing. I was going to hate this.
I stood next to Emmett, I could hear the girls stampede towards the door. Emmett grabbed my shoulder tightly, hinting that if I ran he would run after me. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, where's Jasper when you need him?
The room was decorated in a dark gothic taste. The producers were going for the stereotypical vampire, he even mentioned something about me sleeping in a coffin, but I turned it down immediately. I was subjecting myself enough with the show, but the coffin was too far. Spiders hanged from the wall and fake cob webs were in the corner. I thought about how Esme would scream out in frustration if she saw this in her house. She was such a neat freak.
The door opened and the girls crowded in one by one. I cringed to myself as their thoughts crowded my mind. After a hundred years of practicing, I'd think that I would get use to the screaming girl mind set, but not today, it was too loud. I gave a Emmett a low growl, he laughed at me before stepping towards the girls, the camera men crowded around him.
I rolled my eyes and followed after him. The girls were squealing into their hands as I flashed them a fake smile. I looked at them, most of them were blond, tall, and model perfect. Emmett obviously had picked this bunch. They wore revealing clothes, showing off parts of the body that aren't even shown in pornos.
"Welcome." Emmett's voice rang through the room. "We welcome you to Coffin of Love!" He looked at me through the corner of his eye. "Edward here is looking for his coffin of love..." He trailed on.
I could a hear low chuckle, I looked to see a girl at the far end, she was laughing into her hand, her face red. I focused my attention on her while Emmett went on with her speech. I tried to focus in on her mind set to see what she was laughing about but I couldn't pin her out. I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration.
Emmett looked at me and I realized it was my turn to say something. I walked in front of the group of girls, they started to scream loudly, their thoughts mixing in with mine, they were giving me a migraine. I took my eyes off the laughing girl and smiled at the other girls. Several girls screamed, I flinched.
Edward's speech was short and to the point. He welcomed us and told us to figure out which room we will be staying in and warned us that five us were going home tonight. I smiled to myself triumphantly. I was positive that I was one of those girls that were going home. I didn't bother going up stairs to find a room, so I headed out back to the patio, walking away from the cameras. It was like every other MTV show out there. It was over decorated and looked extremely expensive.
There was a bench under a tree by the pool, I sat under there and pulled out a book that I was rereading. The spine was damage from all the times I've read it. I laid across the bench and smiled to myself, I wasn't interested in getting to meet my host, no matter how hot he was. I smiled to myself as I thought about him, he was really cute. His topaz eyes and bronze messy hair. I blushed slightly to myself, I was sounding like Jessica.
"What are you reading?" I jumped slightly and pulled myself off the bench to come eye to eye with Edward. He smiled at me. I blushed.
"Oh um...Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen." I held the book up to so he could see the cover.
He nodded. "Do you mind if I sit next to you?" I shook my head and pulled my feet under me, sitting Indian style.
"Aren't you suppose to be in the confession room, talking about all the girls here?" I asked. This was my first time being on a reality TV show so I didn't know how things worked out.
He smiled and shook his head. "No, that happens at the end of the day. They show us clips of the show and tell us what our reaction should be like."
I laughed. And rolled my eyes. "How did you get away from all the cameras?"
He shrugged. "They're following the girls around as they fight over the bed. I was actually going to come out here to get away from it all when I saw you."
I nodded. "Yeah sorry, I didn't want to get caught up in their drama, so I decided to hide out here. The less cameras the better."
He smiled. "I know what you mean."
My forehead wrinkled. "What are you talking about, this is your show."
He shrugged. "More Emmett's show than mine. Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
I shrugged. "Go ahead."
"Why are you here, you don't seem to be obsessed with me as the other girls and you were laughing the whole time Emmett gave his speech."
I blushed and turned my head. "Oh, I was laughing at the title, Coffin of Love. It just seems kind of silly, you know?" Edward nodded. "And I'm honestly only here because I lost a bet with my friend Jessica."
I expected him to be angry, what I didn't expect him was to laugh. He smiled at me. "Well I guess that makes two of us." I smiled a long with him. He wasn't that bad.
I held out my hand. "Bella Swan."
He grabbed it and kiss the tip of it. "Edward Cullen."
I blushed when a group of girls came out and jumped into the pool, pulling Edward along with them. I sighed and tried to avoid the cameras that were running after them. I grabbed my book and backpack and went to go hide in the bathroom, I was pretty sure there weren't any cameras in there.
I was constantly surrounded by girls, but my thoughts never left Bella. I tried to find her, but every time I got close, another girl came out of nowhere and dragged me to the other part of the house. A couple of girls got me gifts, others tried to make out with me while showing me their breasts. I tried my best to avoid these particular set of girls, frankly, they scared me.
It was finally time for me to make a decision. I sat in my fake room and stared at the photos of the girls on my wall. Emmett sat next to me. I looked at him. "I can't do this."
He shook his head. "It's too late now." He was smiling.
"Couldn't you find more classy girls?" I asked as I stared at the pictures. Each girl had a different non-desirable pose, most of them usually pushing their breast together. I looked at them mindlessly when I saw Bella's, she didn't try to look sexy (which made her that much more sexy), she just stood there with a goofy smile on her face. I smiled to myself, she was defiantly staying, bet or no bet. "Her." I pointed to her picture.
Emmett gave me a weird look. " She was the one hiding in the bathroom."
I smiled at him. "I know. She stays."
Emmett rolled his eyes before taking her picture off the wall. "Alright, one down fourteen more to go."
I picked hesitantly pointing to each picture, knowing that in the end no one would win. Alice saw it and there was no way that I was betting against her, though Emmett was positive that I would find someone..
I stood in the front row, smiling to myself as he called out other girls names. He didn't seem to be excited as he handed out a rose to each of the girls. Jessica got the fifth rose, she squealed and gave me a hug which I returned out of courtesy I smiled to my self as Edward pulled out his last rose. Some of the girls was crying. I mentally did a victory dance as I screamed the words "I'm going home," in my head.
"Bella." He called my name. My victory dance died as my mouth dropped open.
"What?!" I yelled. Everyone stared at me and girl that didn't get chosen fell to her knees crying. Jessica gave me a push and I started walking towards him, my mind swimming, my eyes wide.
He handed me the rose when I got to him. "Bella, will you be continue to rock my coffin?"
I grabbed the thornless rose. "God dammit!" I screamed out before turning back to the line, the rose still in hand. I could see the girls stare at me, as I stood next to Jessica, my hands across my chest.
"Well..." He was hesitant. "Thank you for stopping by, I'm sorry that it didn't work out between us." He said to the other girls, as they left (some by force) the house.
He turned back to us and smiled. "Congratulations to the rest of you and I hope we can get better acquainted."
I rolled my eyes and stalked up the stairs to find a room. Worst day ever!
A/N: I actually like this story. I'm shocked! I think this is so funny! But tell me what you think and if you have any ideas please don't be afraid to send them in. Also new chapter up on Stupid Shiny Volvo Owner. Check it out my home G dogs. And if I get enough reviews, I just might continue.
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