Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, that would be Joss Whedon and J.K. Rowling. I am just having fun.
Ron Weasley took a deep breath, looking down studiously at his rather large feet. His freckled face was a deep crimson color, and when he finally spoke, his voice stammered and stumbled for words.
"How- what I was wanting to know- you know, since you're a girl and all-"
"You noticed?" Faith said dryly, arching an eyebrow and smiling sardonically as she deliberately shifted her hip to one side, causing her low-cut black top to rise another inch up her midriff. Ron couldn't help but glance quickly at her chest before tearing his eyes away, returning them to looking at the neutral area of the ground. Seeing this, the dark-haired Slayer's smile widened.
"Well-yeah-" he muttered, flushing further, then, hurrying on, "So I was- I just- thought I'd ask you, you know, for a bit of advice-"
"Just ask already, Carrot Top," Faith interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Hey, you're not related to Willow by any chance, are you?"
"Uh, no, I don't think so," Ron muttered. "Who knows though, as branch-y as our family tree is, if you've got red hair, chances are you're on there somewhere. But- but anyway, what I meant to ask you was..."
Faith waited, enjoying the kid's obvious embarrassment as he struggled with himself, obviously highly uncomfortable. And yet he was desperate to talk to someone- even her. Or maybe especially her. She knew already what it was he wanted to ask her; his struggle had been quite evident in his expressions and fumbling movements over the past few times she had seen him, as well as in less overtly obvious areas. Teenage boys and their barely, rarely controlled hormones... it was quite amusing to her, for at his age, she had completely lost any sexual inhibitions she had possessed as a younger child. It had been something that, given her past, was unavoidable.
"Okay, here goes," Ron mumbled, and then he spouted in one breath, "how can I get Hermione to want to sleep with me?"
Faith laughed, shaking her head. She knew it. Of course all the kiddies came to her with their little sexual problems- who better than the all-too-sexually adventurous Faith? She'd been called other things, of course, but that was the label that most amused her.
At the sound of her laughter, Ron's jaw tightened. She could see his temper beginning to flare. Like the kid could do anything to her. She could break his puny wand before he even whipped it out.
"Ronnie, babe, that's not the issue," she quipped. "Hermione wants to sleep with
you, trust me. She's just too 'moral' to let herself- or you."
"No, that's not it!" Ron said, frustrated. "She does a hundred other things now that aren't moral, stuff she never did when we were younger! I mean, she's given Unforgivable Curses- why would it be so bad to have sex?! That can't be it! It's just that she always has some excuse. I don't think she even wants to with me!"
"Oh trust me, Ronnie, she wants to," Faith said wryly, interlacing her fingers and stretching them behind her back. Once again, Ron's eyes unwillingly followed her movements. "The meek do-gooder little nerds are always the horniest in the privacy of their own daydreams."
"Hermione's not a nerd!" Ron said hotly, his eyes shooting from the Slayer's chest to her face heatedly. "She helped defeat You-know-who-"
"Yeah, she helped save the world, I know. So did I like fifteen times," Faiths said casually. "So did you. And you're still not getting laid."
At that Ron's face flush deeper still, and a twisted, helpless mix of fury and humiliation came across it. Faith went on recklessly, now swinging her arms idly.
"Besides," she said, "whatever Hermione does or says now, she'll never really change inside. No matter how great your or anyone else thinks she is, she'll always still look at herself as that frizzy-haired, buck-toothed little girl whose only identity is being the one to know all the answers. Nobody gets past that kind of stuff. Trust me," she said, and her voice grew softer, more serious and reflective, "I know."
They were both quiet for a few moments... and then she looked up, smiling again.
"And that, Ronnie, is why you can't get laid. Your girlfriend's personal issues. But you know, think of it this way- maybe it's for the best. I mean, what with all your own angst issues, are you sure you'd even be able to get it up?"
As Ron's mouth fell open and he gawked at her in shock and rage, Faith grinned, casually patting his cheek as she began to walk away.
"Good luck with that, Ronnie. You want to talk again, you know where to find me. Always glad to help."