"Edward... I've missed you."
"Bella... I'm not staying."
"I'm leaving you again. I now know that you're alive and that's all I care about... I'm sorry... But-"
"You have to."
It was funny, though I didn't laugh. I doubted my heart was even beating. It was an odd feeling, but not foriegn to me. It felt as if I had swallowed a poison, it had worked its magic and now I was in hell. I stared up into Edward Cullen's face and for one drawn out moment I felt the heart breaking sorrow that his words had just inspired in me seconds before, but then the deadness caught hold of me again.
"I understand, Edward," lips that, though on my face weren't mine, said. "Best leave now. Don't want to stick around long, do you?"
"Bella..." he whispered. His hand touched my cheek with his usual reserved carefulness. It stun and burned where his cold marble skin touched mine.
I cowered from him and he retrcted his hand into a tight fist.
"Go. You want to be free of me? Well now you are! Don't come back here! Don't let Alice look into my future again! I am worthless of it all, all that you have given to me." I was saying the words in a shrill panicking voice, but I clamed my tone and looked up at him. "I was blessed, but a mere human like me can't expect a beuatiful and loving vampire to waste himself on me. Thank you, for the time I had. I couldn't have asked for any more."
"Bella, how dare-" but I wouldn't let him speak, I slepped my hand over his mouth, and though he could have easily removed it – he did't. I ran my hands acorss those teeth. I wanted those teeth to taste my flesh, I wanted him to just kill me now, so I could be releieved of this pain and he would be done with me.
"To think I had once kissed you on these very lips. The lips that now tell me they don't love me anymore." I whispered.
"I never said-" he began again, his eyes flashing but i clasped my hand over his mouth again and he fell silent.
I took a deep breath. "I'd kiss you, but I know you don't want that. I can see it in your eyes. I think that maybe its always been there. You should have just let Tyler's van crush me. Or maybe you should have just drained me dry that day in biology. I would have preferred that..."
He looked so cut up, and I knew it was that guilt again. It was that guilt that had sent him to Volturi, that guilt that had almost destroyed what was, to me at least, the mopst beautiful thing on this earth. I couldn't be responsible fo r that guilt to get the best of him. I didn't want to be responsible for why he on longer existed. Even if I was no longer worth even the breaths my lungs took, I could be happy that Edward had been relieved of me. Of the stupid human girl he had been infatuated with a for a brief time.
"I gave my ehart to you long ago, Edward. You still have it." I whsipered, looking intently on his lips and falshing teeth. "But there is no heart any more, for you or I. But don't let this guilt take over you again. Promise me you won't do anything stupid like try and kill yourself again, ok?"
Edward was silent as he looked at me, I wondered what he was thinking, what he was seeing in my eyes that looked so intently at his face. I don't think I ever fully apperciated its beauty until now, when I was saying goodbye to it for the last time.
"I promsie you, Bella." he said after a long silence and I took a heavy sad breath taht seemed to be shared with the both of us. Edward's was most likely a breath of relief, I was the only one loosing the love of my life. Edward had said goodbye to me long ago. He was loosing a dead wait off his concious.
I could remember the night life times ago when this had happened to me for the first time, I hadn't talked so much then but now I needed to let him go. I needed to make sure he would never come back. That none of them would ever come back. That I would never seek them out. I had sworn not to hope, not to invest my heart... now it was dead inside my worthless chest.
He had left me in the forest that time, but I wouldn't let him do that again. I was probably taking this better than I should be taking it, but I wouldn't let that worry me now... As I turned away from him I saw a flash of movement, but when I looked back and saw he stood as still as a statue, only his eyes moving with my slowly moving form. I didn't smile, but I thought fleetingly of our last passionate kiss, the one he usually gave me when he knew we didn't have much time left together. Its what would be most customary at this moment if he wasn't watching me with boredum. I finally turned away fully and let a small whimper escape me. I heard a rustling of leaves, or ast leasts that what it sounded like, as I continued to trudge through.
Why did he let me come rescue him? Why did he try and kill himself when he thought I was dead? Did he know that his last words just killed me? I had almost thought he loved me again... What a stupid girl I was! I was unworthy of his love, I finally got it in my head. I realised that somewhere in me I had thought that maybe I had a slice of a chance to have Edward... Now it was final. Now all hope was dead. All love was dead. I was dead.
The rustling continued, intensifying as if a huge gail had swept up behind me...
I heard a huge crack and the ground trembled beneath my feet, I turned back and saw that a tree had fallen over near where Edward had been standing. He was gone now. I would have cried if I still had emotions. I hugged my arms around my dead chest, and looked up at the underside of the huge trees. The light pitter patter of the night rain fell against the leaves that protected me. Were the angels crying? Maybe they felt my heart break, and had taken my soul up to the clouds so it wouldn't have to feel any of this, and now it just waited for me to join it.
My feet felt heavy as I dragged on, trying to soak up all the earth that I could see. This had been my world. To think I spent all my time in Forks not appreciating its beauty. Now I felt like lying down on the grass and soaking up all I had while I still lived. I stopped dead, my dead wait feeling heavy on my shoulders.
Was I going to die? I asked my self. The answer presented itself before I could even formulate it on my lips.
There was a flash of yellow to my right and I spun to see eyes peering out at me from the blackness thaty consumed the forest. The being gave a meowing sound and stepped out into the dim light of the moon, it was a lynx. It was darker then most, almost black. That was unnaturual, but I didn't care. I watched as it walked up to me and brushed against my leg. I should have been afraid, but the knowledge of a death soon to be clamed me. The wild cat then sat at my side and looked up at me expectantly.
I began walking towards my house agin, with a knowledge that the lynx was following me carefully. And Charlie entered my mind. I loved him so much, if I still had a heart it would be breaking at the thought of him. I sighed and relaised that my relief of this earth bound body would be delaid so I could write him a letter.
I waited for tears but realised that a dead heart couldn't produce them.
On I walked until I was met by the blank expanse of grass that led to the small wood cottage covered slightly in mist. This was my home. I would hug it if it wouldn't look weird, but it was really on the lynx walking behind me that would see.
I walked around to the front of the house and looked back to see the lynx sitting at the edge of the forest, watching me. I could almost sense she was waiting for me. I took a deep breath and entered through the front door.
My home was more beautiful then any million dollar mansion. I was raised here. I was loved here. My father will do on his on, but I will miss him. I'm sure he'll miss me too. He'll wake tomorow morning and see an empty bed and cry. His salty tears falling onto my letter, running the ink. I climbed the stairs, counting each one as I ascended. 15 in number.
I walked into my room and grabbed a peice of paper and a pen and stood by my window. How long would I have to wait until I formed a proper plan? How long until I could finally give my useless body up to the earth, and join my spirit up in heaven. Though there was no heaven with out Edward.
I shouldn't have thought his name, for it came with images and I found myself gripping the window frame with tense fingers. Momentarily I stopped sucking back some of my last lung fills of air. With a gasp that started my bretahing again, I saw the lynx straing up at me through my bedroom window. I stared back and wondered if she was looking at me, or was she watching me?
I turned to me paper and took my pen.
To my Dad,
I love you with all my wasted heart. But I am borken.
I am going to heal myself.
I am selfish, and I'm sorry that I am leaving you to make myself feel better, at the cost of your happiness.
Know I love you, and without you I would have been broken long before this ever happened.
It wasn't the Cullen's fault, so don't blame them. The only one at fault is me, but I'm going to correct that.
See you later, Love with the rest of my beats
With a long ragged breath I read the letter and smiled, adding at the bottom;
P.S. Send my love to Jacob, and apologise to him for me. Sorry he spent so much time on a lost cause.
Jacob would be devistated, but I could remember the words once spoken to me by a man long dead "Human memories fade easily". I took comfort in this, if I could feel comfort that is. I stretched and looked back out and met the lynx's eyes. With a nod to her, I left the room.
Charlie's door was just up the hall from mine, and I walked over to it and stood waiting. He wouldn't open the door, it was a good three hours until he would wake up to go to work. By then I'll be long gone. I gently pushed the folded paper under the door, dwelling momentarily to listen to his snores. How I would miss the sound. I placed my hands on the smooth wood of the door and sighed.
"I wish I had been brave enough to walk to you, Charlie." I whispered. "I wish I could have loved you enough not to hurt you like this. One day, we'lll meet again. Up there." I looked up at the sky and pondered if that's where I would go. Not that I cared. No Edward meant no heaven, no matter what my final destination was.
I walked out of the house and saw the lynx already there, it opened its mouth and gave a noise like a meow, but had a more feral growl to it. I liked the sound and suddenly it began walking slowly, and I followed it. I knew that I could trust this lynx to show me where I should go.
It should have been a long walk, and I probably should have been scared out of my wits. But with the lynx prowling a head of me, and the knwledge that I would be soon relieved of the sickening feeling within my whole body, it was short.
I had stopped to gaze at a huge oak tree that marveled me when the lynx gave an impatient growl for me off in the distance. I quickened my pace and nearly toppled right over the creature when I realised where I was.
"You can't expect me to..." I floundered on my words as I gazed into the storming landscape ahead of me.
In La Push the light shower that had fallen on my part of the woods was now stroming angrily on this part. I stood at a familiar sight at the top of the highest cliff. I had been here over 4 days agao, trying to cliff dive. The events had now looped back to me standing back on the cliff, but now my intentions were much more devistating then cliff diving.
I had almost died that time, and now there would be no Jacob to save me. No Alice to come and comfort me. No Edward to see again. There would be no bittersweet reward like last time. This time there would only be the sweet sweet promise of oblivion. I couldn't believe how my life would end, seemed almost like something from a book. But I shook my head to clear it of these thoughts. I gazed down at the thrashing waves, they looked angry as if they were leaping up to grab me. They must not have liked being cheated out of their last meal. They had wanted me, they had almost had me too... Oh well, they would soon have me at their mercy again...
The lynx came up and rubbed against me as if to soothe. I looked down and wanted to reach out and pet it, but thought better of it. I had more pressing matters to attend to. The lynx stepped back to give me room as I stared out at the sea.
The tears fell now, they were rivers down my cheeks as they mixed with the cutting rain form above. My heart had began to painfully work again. Its beats cutting my poor chest. I remembered the feeling of numbess and now craved it. I was ripping apart again, but instead of clutching my chest together, I spread my arms wide. Let the whole earth see my broken heart. Let them all hear my broken sobs. I sobbed and wailed loudly. They were tears of a mad woman as I looked beseachingly to the sky.
"Take me. Make me whole!" I cried out. The words were razor blades as they left my mouth.
The last thing I saw before my wobbling legs pushed off rom the slippery rock was Edward's hard face set in a snarl. Then the oblivion. The sweet nothing...
..or so I thought
To Be Continued...
(A/N) Tell me what you think, I have more planned. I actually wrot eit down on a peice of paper so I don't forget what I want to happen! I hope I didn't go overboard with Bella commiting suicide... I know the lynx was weird, but I just found this great picture of one, and I have a great idea for the cat. So I can't wait to write that. (Look them up, they are tops and scary too)
Please comment and feedback. IT IS THE FUEL FOR MY CAR!