50 THINGS NOT TO DO IN HOGWARTS
1. Do not sing "you can see clearly now" after cleaning Harry's glasses.
2. Do not yell "Hey Riff-Raff, where's Magenta?" to Filch.
3. Do not go up to Professor Flitwick and say in a squeaky voice "Follow the Yellow Brick Road!"
4. Do not ask Malfoy if bouncing feels like flying.
5. Do not follow Snape around singing "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape"
6. Do not follow Harry around singing "I'm Harry Potter, Harry Harry Potter"
7. Do not insist that Dumbledore and Grindelwald are happy together in the afterlife. Nor insist that they are veeeeeeery happy.
8. Do not tell Draco Malfoy that Harry Potter has a crush on a certain blonde-haired Slytherin.
9. Do not tell both Draco Harry to go onto the Quidditch field to be knighted all time Quidditch player and then hold mistletoe enchanted to make the people under it kiss over their heads.
10. Do not tell the school that peeves and the fat friar are closer than they seem.
11. Do not leave flowers outside Minerva's chambers with a note saying "From Ronald Weasley. I did enjoy dancing with you in 4th year."
12. Do not get Draco Malfoy blind drunk and then video tape him with a pot on his head yelling "Look I'm Nearly Headless Nick!!" and then post it on YouTube.
13. Do not use the Imperius charm on Snape and then make him perform The Mysterious Ticking Noise with the rest of the cast.
14. Do not do the same for Wizard Angst.
15. Do not use Polyjuice to transform into Pansy and make out with Draco Malfoy. No matter how enjoyable it may be.
16. Do not ask Snape to recommend a good love potion.
17. Nor just after getting the potion ask for a sip of his pumpkin juice and then slip the love potion inside.
18. Do not insist that Snape needs a bodyguard and then hire yourself for the job.
19. Do not recommend Snape a very good therapist in London.
20. Do not get your house table to do the Mexican Wave every morning at breakfast.
21. Do not sing to Snape suggestively "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"
22. Do not tell harry that it was Sirius' dying wish for Harry to get with Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy.
23. Do not send a 'charmed to sing' letter to Snape singing that MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNESS YOU GOT BUNS HON! During breakfast. As loud as a howler would be. With your name at the end.
24. Do not insist that harry and Draco are the right kind of wrong. They are not.
25. Nor are Dumbledore and Hagrid.
26. Replacing Snape's pumpkin juice with Veritaserum and then ask him questions about his private and love lives in the great hall, amplifying both voices is not funny. Even if Snape does admit to showering once every two months.
27. Harry and Hermione did not have an excellent summer love.
28. They are not pursuing the relationship this year in the room of requirement.
29. You will not find Snape and Lockhart discussing the importance of firm nail beds in Snape's chambers at exactly 9.00 pm. There should be not be signs everywhere saying so and encouraging people to attend the discussion. Even if Professor Dumbledore felt the need to go along.
30. Do not release a debut c.d of 1001 songs about Severus and Lucius and then give a free copy to everyone in Hogwarts. Including Snape. And Draco.
31. Do not release a follow-up album named The Rocky Road of marriage-1002 songs about Severus and Lucius coming out. Do not give signed copies to both Snape and Draco.
32. Do not send the Rocky Horror Picture Show to Snape and leave a note with it. "I hope this inspires you for a choice of better clothes, Sevvie!"
33. Do not refer to Draco as a Barbie Girl.
34. Do not try to brush his hair or undress him anywhere. Nor try any hanky-panky.
35. He will not always be yours. No matter how vivid your dreams may be.
36. Filch is not your faithful handyman.
37. Hermione does not sing ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta touch me I wanna be dirrrty to Draco.
38. Do not refer to Dumbledore as Santa or Gandalf.
39. Snape does not take kindly to giving piggy-backs. Especially without permission.
40. Draco Malfoy is not an expert in the pelvic thrust.
41. No matter how well you can make him demonstrate it.
42. Transfiguring Snape's cauldrons into bunnies is probably not a wise thing to do.
43. Configuring a list of things to do to Snape and leaving it in his chambers is probably not wise either.
44. Enlightening the girls at Hogwarts to Fan fiction is probably not a good idea, seeing as they will fall in love with the Drarry, Dramione, Ramus and many other slash pairing stories.
45. Do not subscribe to Girlfriend Magazine and then owl it to Draco every morning in the Great Hall.
46. Do not insist that
ferrets like Draco needs milk for strong bouncing bones.
47. Do not inappropriately use a time-turner to check your hair from the back.
48. Do not sneak into Dumbledore's office when Fawkes the Phoenix is about to burst into flames just to use the flames a lighter because you lost yours.
49. Do not insist that Draco is Draco-licious. Nor get girls from Hogwarts to sing it to him.
50. Do not make a copy of this list.