Title: Will It Blend?
Author: Silence
Fandom: Superman Returns
Rating: Brought to you by the letters M, or as I used to remember, R. (Mostly for language and innuendo.)
Pairing: Clark Kent/Original Female Character. In other words.. a Mary-Sue! Oh no! RUN!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except Lacey, and believe me, she wishes I didn't. Everyone else belongs to Warner Brothers, DC Comics and all sorts of people that are not little old me.
Summary: Lacey wants a blender. It's not as simple as it seems.

Notes: This is a Lacey the Bitter Mary-Sue fic. It takes place somewhere during her time in Metropolis/Superman Returns-Verse after "Ten More Things..". It's mostly random and wtfery. I think. I have an obsession, so now Lacey does too. Sadly, yes, it does require you to read the "Ten Things..." fic series first.

Dedication: For the enablers who know my love for the Will It Blend? Blendtec Blender. It's all your fault. But mostly Khai's. Because he mentioned fic and that's how this oneshot sprang from. So blame him the most! lol. And of course, "The Blendtec Youtube Channel". If it weren't for them, none of this would be possible. (Blame them too!)

Previous Mary-Sue Fics:
Confessions of a Mary-Sue: Lord of the Rings Movie-verse (Finished)
The Goddess Must Be Crazy: Buffy/Potter Mesh-verse (Unfinished… Oops.)
The State of Denial and Delusions: Supernatural (WIP.. as soon as the muse is inspired.)
Ten Things That Haven't Happened: Superman Returns (Finished)
Ten More Things That Haven't Happened: Superman Returns (Finished)
Playground Twist: Superman Returns (WIP and not located here yet.)

Will It Blend?

There are several things you need to know about me. First of all, I'm not a person who belongs anywhere in life. Oh sure, several people could say that, but I really seriously don't belong here. Second of all, I have a very strange personality that gets me into more trouble than I'd like. Or maybe it doesn't and I just say that so that I'm not bitter about the twists in my life. Third, I have the greatest apartment in the world. Fourth, I've got dark hair, I'm short, apparently I have a figure, and I hate my nose. Fifth, and this is most important, I probably have the greatest boyfriend in the cosmos. And finally… number six.. I'm a Mary Sue. So maybe that was most important. But now that you know the basics, let's move on.

It was a typical day in Metropolis. The Daily Planet was abuzz about things and I was sitting at my desk doing what I do best.

Procrastinating.

On the monitor in front of me was a sign of the apocalypse. Ok, not really. It was just YouTube. I was watching one of my favorite things there. The Blendtec Blenders 'Will it blend?' videos. Why? Because of the simple fact that they were made of awesome. As I watched a video of the magical blender doing its blending magic on an iPhone. Yes, they blended an iPhone. I sighed dreamily. "I want one."

"I thought you said you'd never pay money for one of those." I didn't need to look up to know that Clark Kent was standing behind me, but I did anyway. There he was in his holycraphe'stall glory as he pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. I arched an eyebrow at him and he pointed to the screen. "The iPhone."

Oh. I made a face at him. "Oh ick. Not that. I want the blender."

That got him to give me a funny look. "You want a blender."

Didn't I just say that? "No, I want that blender."

"Aren't they all the same?"

I gasped, horrified. How could he? "No!" I hissed. "This is a Blendtec blender. The most amazing piece of machinery in the world!"

Clark took a step back, apparently unsure about my devotion. "But.. it's a blender."

"It can blend anything!" I insisted. "It's got a 1500-watt motor and it even blended a camcorder."

He still looked confused. "But why do you want it?"

"For blending." I explained with a secretive and sweet smile on my face.

He wasn't buying it and cast a quick glance around the bullpen before giving me one of his impressively silent but intimidating expressions. "Really."

But I didn't budge and just kept playing innocent. "Gotta love those mixed drinks."

"Kent! Where's that story on the mayor's clean up of Suicide Slums?" Saved by the bellowing Perry.

"I'm on it, chief!" Clark stammered before giving me a, 'we'll finish this later' look. I flashed him a serene smile and he shook his head and wandered off to work.

I wanted a blender.

"You're obsessed with those blenders." Clark pointed out as we sat at his table eating dinner.

"I am not obsessed." I held my chin up took the defensive. Ok, maybe I was. "I just think they're freaking awesome."

"Lacey.. they're blenders." He just couldn't grasp how amazing they really were and I'd shown him the videos! What was wrong with this man?

"But they blend!!" I insisted before eating a forkful of pasta salad.

"Technically that's what they're made to do."

I swallowed and shook my head. "It's not the same thing. I mean, you can blend anything in them! They're like.." I paused and pondered over an example. Aha! "They're the superman of blenders!"

"I think you should be cut off from the internet." Clark said dryly.

I glared at him. "And if you continue with that train of thought you're going to be cut off from something too."

"You can't be serious."

I looked up from my desk to see Lois hovering over my shoulder with a fresh cup of coffee in her hand. "About what?" I asked her.

She nodded toward the computer monitor. "That. It's nearly four hundred dollars!"

"People pay more for other things that aren't nearly as useful."

"But that's a blender, Lacey."

"How much did your shoes cost, Lois?" I asked sweetly. She scowled. Score.

"That's beside the point." She tried to insist, but let's face it, I'd already won this. "It's just a blender."

"A blender that can kill the iPhone. A blender that can mulch almost anything. How can I not want one?"

"You've completely lost it." Lois said with a shake of her head before walking away.

"At least I don't spend thousands of dollars on purses and shoes." I muttered. "It even blends stun guns!" I called after her.

I got funny looks for that one from others, but eh. When did I not?

There were many sides to me, or at least that's what I told myself. Most of it is a big fat lie if you ask me, but still.. wait, what was my point? Nevermind. Anyway, I liked splurging on devices I could use, even if only for strange reasons. I had a movie theater popper that cost me a hefty sum, but I use it almost every week, so it has more than earned its place in my home. I had a Sanrio waffle iron in the cabinet. Yes, I like Hello Kitty waffles. Shut up. I liked the fact I could 'kill' one of those smiling kitties with a bow every morning. (Okay, I've only used it three times.) I spent money on one of those Magic Bullets, which by the way, I adore almost as much as my popcorn popper. I had a TARDIS USB port hub thing for my computer. Okay, that really was useful, but I admit I bought it because it was a TARDIS. I was also extremely tempted to build a doll house modeled after the TARDIS, but then I realized I had no construction skills and I didn't have any real reason to do so anyway.

I realize that the point of all this is just to try and justify my desire for an overpriced blender by explaining how tweaked I am.

"Did you order it yet?" Gina asked as she waltzed into my apartment without knocking. I almost regretted giving her a key, but then I remembered that I had hers. She headed straight for my sofa where she stretched out and tossed her bag onto the coffee table.

I was helping myself to some popcorn, freshly popped (see? I used it!) and shook my head. "Not yet. I need to make sure there's nothing I need more. Like groceries."

See, Gina was almost as excited for me to get one as I was. She sighed. "Seriously, you can starve for a couple of weeks or like, raid your boy toy's fridge. The blender is made of win and it demands that we get it."

I gave the petite blonde package a shifty look. "What is this 'we' that you speak of?"

"Me and you of course." Gina grinned innocently at me from her prone position on the couch. "I fully intend to live vicariously through you."

I gave her a dirty look. "Then the first thing I'm going to blend is going to be your favorite pair of shoes."

She gasped in horror. "You wouldn't!!" I arched an eyebrow at her and she pouted. "Bitch."

"I try." I sat down with a sigh. "So do you think I should go for the 400 model or risk getting evicted for the 800?"

"I say go for the eight hundred. Maybe Clark will take pity on you and let you move in with him."

"Four hundred it is." I said immediately. What? I wouldn't wish my presence on a twenty-four hour basis on anyone.

It was fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I had that beautiful blender on my counter, now free from the confines of its packaging. With Gina encouraging me it hadn't taken long for me to give in and order the sucker. Then all I had to do was wait. And wait. And now.. here it was.

"So.. that's it."

I ignored the amused yet baffled tone coming from Clark and continued to stare at my shiny new toy in wonder. "It's brilliant."

"Lacey-"

"I swear if I hear the words 'It's just a blender' one more time, I'm going to lock your tv onto the shoperotica channel."

"Fine. I- wait, what? There's a channel for that?" Clark's confusion made me look over at him and his blue eyes were wide in shock. "I knew about the infomercials but not that there was a channel." His voice began to trail off as I stared at him in wonder.

"How do you know about those?" I asked him with a shifty look.

"I have been known to channel surf late at night." He explained while avoiding my gaze a bit.

Was he embarrassed? Aww. If he wasn't, he would be in a few moments. "God! I thought I was the only one to catch those. Have you seen some of the stuff on there? I swear it's like industrial stuff! And the glass one! Where the chick said it was nice enough to put on her shelf like a display piece! Can you imagine walking into someone's house and seeing that-"

"Lacey…"

"And oh my god, that other one just looked so painful-"

"I can never take you to visit my mother again." He mumbled before raising his voice while I kept rolling along. "Lacey-"

"And honestly, who in their right mind would need something with that many buckles-"

"LACEY!"

Yes, he finally got my attention. I was surprised but I quickly put on my innocent and sweet face and smiled. "Yes, Clark?"

He leaned down and trapped me between him and my counter top. "I know what you're doing." Ooh, both his hands were on the counter now too. Yup. I was trapped.

Still smiling ever so sweetly, "I have no idea what you're talking about, blue. I was just holding a conversation about the Superman of erotic tools-"

He groaned and his head lowered in defeat. "You just had to say that, didn't you."

"I'm only repeating what the host said. I mean it's not like they had the shield on them." I paused. "Not on the stuff in the infomercial anyway."

He looked back up at me in horror. "Please say you're not saying what I think you're saying."

I remained silent.

Clark groaned again.

I pat him on the shoulder. "There, there, deary. Look at it this way, at least I'll never have to shop there."

"What are we going to try first?" Gina asked.

I had promised not to use the blender until Gina could be present, but luckily teasing Clark had been more than enough of a time killer. But Gina was finally available, in my kitchen, and so was I. On the counter top we had several objects of various design waiting to be tested, and not a single one of them could be eaten or consumed in any healthy way.

What, surely you didn't think we wanted this for food. That's what the Magic Bullet was for.

We eyed our test objects with seriously studious gazes. Yup.

"Let's kill the Blood Rayne doll." I said. "She represents all things Uwe Boll."

"Well, if we're going to maul her, we should put in the Uwe Boll dvds I brought." Gina pointed out. I gave her a pitying look at her weakness for buying such horrible movies. "I know, I know. Would it help if I said I was drunk as a skunk when I bought them?"

"Not even a little." I said and started to put them into the Blender of Doom and Justice. Yes, it could be both. "Ooh! Grab a bottle of vodka from the cabinet! To do this right, we have to put some liquor in here to ease the pain."

She did and we did. The BoDaJ was ready. The doll, the dvd discs, and vodka. "Safety gloves?"

"Check."

"Safety glasses?" I had mine on and ready.

Gina slid hers into place. "Check."

I placed the lid on the BoDaJ and took a deep breath. "Ready?"

"It's on like Donkey Kong!"

… I had to wonder if she had helped herself to said vodka before handing it to me.

I prepared to press the button…

"WAIT!"

My hand shot away from the BoDaJ to turn to Gina, "What? What's wrong?"

"What if we ruin it?" She said with worry written on her face. "I mean, we need to think about this. The Blendtec guy owns the stuff. Of course he can use a new blender each time. We've only got the one."

My jaw dropped. She.. had a point. Had we let our ob- ok, had I allowed my obsession to consume my ability for logic? Perhaps.

I stared longingly at the contents of my blender. Already it was just a blender again and no longer the BoDaJ.

"This sucks."

I spun around in my desk chair with a dejected sigh. Maybe if I pulled some overtime I could afford another blender so we could actually blend something awesome. But already the defeat of it all was taking its toll on my spirits.

There came an unnatural breeze from my balcony doors and I knew I had a visitor. But I just didn't have it in me to greet tall, blue, and cape wearing.

My spinning stopped and Superman was crouched in front me enough to be at eye level. He looked concerned. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I was. Really. This was far too trivial to get into with him. "I'm just being a brat."

"And why exactly is that?"

I shrugged and allowed my gaze to travel toward the ceiling. "Just.. stupid trivial stuff. Gina and I realized if we started to blend the stuff we wanted to destroy, it could kill the BoDaJ and I can't afford a replacement."

"The what?" The caped one sounded confused.

Oh. Yeah. "The Blender of Doom and Justice."

"Ah." His tone was odd. I looked at him only to see him stifling an amused smirk and trying not to chuckle. I frowned at him and he couldn't refrain from chuckling. "You named it."

"Yes, well.. oh shush." I said and shoved him.

"What were you planning on mulching as it were?" He asked with mirth at my lunacy in his eyes.

"Proof of Uwe Boll's movie making career." I nodded toward the box of items we'd removed from the blender. "Why-" There was a rush of wind and he was gone.

So was the box.

What just happened?

Since I didn't know, I decided to do the only thing I could. I ordered some take out.

I was sorting through my newly arrived boxes of Chinese take out by the time big blue returned. This time he quickly changed into his off duty attire and joined me on the couch. "Sorry about that." He said with a secretive smile and gave me a light kiss in greeting.

That smile of his was bugging me. "What did you do?"

All he said was, "I took care of the box for you." Then he picked up the box of sweet and sour shrimp and a pair of chopsticks.

I silently watched him help himself and I folded my arms across my chest. He knew I was watching him like a hawk. In fact he knew that I knew he knew I was watching. He also knew that I knew- ok, enough of that. You know what I meant.

He didn't say a word. He was letting me wonder. Bastard.

"Oh my god, spill!" I finally pleaded. I had to know! "What did you do?"

He merely gestured upward with his chopsticks.

I frowned. What did he mean? The roof? North pole? Argh. He was torturing me! "Oh for heaven's sake, blue eyes. Stop it! It's not like you punted it into the sun or," His eyes were bright and I trailed off. "..something.." He didn't! "You couldn't." He arched an eyebrow. "You didn't."

"Who needs the Superman of blenders now?" Oh he looked extremely pleased with himself which meant he did do it.

Awestruck. Dazzled. Amazed. I glommed him with a squeal of delight. "Can I keep you?"

"Only if you remember to feed me." He chuckled. He must have had his hands free because now they were on me.

"On one condition.." I said thoughtfully.

"And what's that?"

"Do you think you could do the same to the man himself? I mean it really would help make the world a better place-eep!!" My comment was utterly cut off when Clark assaulted me with a tickle attack. Not. Cool.

On the plus side, I learned one thing from all of this.

Who needed the Superman of blenders when you had the real deal?

Now I just needed to convince him to target Uwe Boll for real.

What, you thought I was kidding?

You should know me better than that.