This story is essentially the prologue to a multi-chaptered comedy fic that I wanted to write. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to continue it so I'm posting the prologue as a one-shot. If anyone is interested in continuing this fic, the rules for continuing it can be found at the bottom of the page.
Harry Potter and the Marauders' Horcrux
James Potter was not scared.
Of that, he was certain.
James Potter did not get scared. He was Head Boy and the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. When he walked into the Great Hall, people moved to make room for him. The guys in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff idolized him while the girls wanted to have their deliciously wicked way with him. The only people to dislike him were the Slytherins and after his record 124 straight days of pranking their house, his name was now spoken with fear in the Slytherin common room.
No, James Potter didn't fear anything…well, almost anything.
The wrath of an enraged Lily Evans certainly scared him, which was why he was sneaking out of their combined Head Suit, two hours past curfew, hidden safely under his invisibility cloak.
Merlin, he loved his cloak! It had gotten him and his friends out of a tight spot several times over the last seven years. To think that tonight would be the last time he would ever use the cloak to break a rule at Hogwarts... The thought brought a tear to his eye. Was it really seven years ago that a much smaller version of himself and Sirius Black hid beneath the cloak and played their very first prank - hitting that ugly git Snivellus with dung bombs on the first day of class.
James was so caught up in his reminiscing that he didn't notice a very brief light blue flash of magic from an activating perimeter ward. He absolutely didn't notice an angry and flustered looking Lily Evans appear out of their shared bedroom, her eyes scanning the room like a hawk. And he positively didn't notice that he had forgotten to apply a silencing charm to his feet, and that his footsteps on the wood floor of the Head Suit was making quite a bit of noise.
As oblivious as James was to all of these things, he couldn't help but hear his girlfriend's angry voice cry out, "Homenum Revelio!"
James couldn't see it, but he knew that Lily's spell had revealed his presence under the cloak. For the millionth time, James cursed Sirius Black for trying to peak on Alice Davenport in the shower after a Quidditch match during their 4th year. The steam from the shower caused her to see a faint outline of Sirius under the cloak, and she had of course tried to summon it to find out who the pervert was. Luckily the Potter family invisibility cloak was resistant to all sorts of magic. Unfortunately, Alice had gone running to Lily telling her about a pervert in an invisibility cloak with an anti-summoning spell on it. Lily immediately went into research mode and found a spell that would detect any wizard's or witch's presence inside a room and would reveal their location by showing their auras.
"James Andrew Potter, just where do you think you are going!" Lily demanded.
James tossed back the hood of the cloak and gave Lily his best award-winning James Potter smile. "Lily, you're up! I was just a little hungry, thought I'd go to the kitchen one last time, you know, say goodbye to the House Elves. They have been so good to me over the years."
Lily eyed him for a good minute without saying a word. Every moment of her silence was making James more and more nervous. Just as he was about to ask if she wanted anything, she quickly waved her wand and a blue light shot out of the tip, heading straight for him! Closing his eyes, he waited for whatever curse she had unleashed upon him to take effect. When he didn't feel any sort of forced transfiguration or curse, he slowly opened his eyes and patted his body in all the important places to make sure nothing was missing. He loved Lily, but the girl had a temper. That and her knowledge of curses, specifically those that would be unpleasant for the male part of the species, combined with her amazing control of silent magic, made her truly frightening when mad.
"And are Sirius, Remus, and Peter going to be joining you on your trek to the kitchens tonight?" Lily questioned.
So relieved that his hopefully soon-to-be fiancé hadn't just cursed him, James said, "No, of course not. They've probably been asleep for hours."
Lily pursed her lips in an excellent imitation of Minerva McGonagall and hissed, "Then why are they waiting for you outside the entrance to our room?"
James whipped his head around so fast that he could have given himself whiplash. He groaned as he realized the intent behind his all too brilliant and beautiful girlfriend's spell. She had made the door that separated the Gryffindor Head Suit and the rest of the common room transparent. Standing not five feet away from him on the other side of the door, were the rest of the Marauders, looking impatient and nervous.
"Explain," Lily demanded in a no nonsense voice.
"Well…Lily, dear, you have to understand that this is our last night at Hogwarts. Our NEWTs are finished and we graduate tomorrow. We just wanted to go have one last good time to remember the old castle by," James said, hoping that she wouldn't pry too much.
"So essentially you plan on getting drunk and chasing Sirius in his Animagus form all over the castle...again. I don't think so, Potter," Lily said.
"Lily, I promise no chasing Sirius around the castle. We learned our lesson after Sirius was molested by those pixies," James argued.
Lily just rubbed her head, trying to fight off the headache she knew would be coming if she continued this conversation. "Alright, fine. Go."
"What?" James said in astonishment.
"I said, go. I'm giving our commencement address in," she checked her watch, "a little over thirteen hours, and I need my sleep. You, Sirius, Remus, and Peter can go do whatever you want, but Merlin help you if you don't make it to graduation tomorrow," Lily said.
"You mean it?" James asked, absolutely shocked that Lily was actually letting him go out on the eve of graduation to get hammered with his mates.
Lily just gave him a sexy smile before walking back to her room.
James was about to open the door to great Sirius, Remus, and Peter when Lily called out, "Oh, James?"
"Yes," James said, slightly nervous that she had changed her mind and he was going to get a good hexing.
"I will be way too busy to brew a hangover potion for you tomorrow, so don't ask for one," she said before closing her door, a vindictive smirk on her face.
"Damn," James swore as he walked out of the Head Suit.
"Prongs! About time, I was just telling Moony here how Lily probably caught and castrated you," Sirius said joyously.
"Well, you were half-right," James said.
"Merciful Merlin, Lily castrated you! Prongs, I'm so sorry. Can't say I'm all that surprised though, it was bound to happen eventually. I suppose it's time I stepped up and took my rightful place with her," Sirius said as he made to move passed his best mate and enter the Head Suit.
"Unless you want to be the one who gets castrated, Padfoot, you'll not take another step towards that door," James threatened.
"Poor Prongs, getting his balls cut off must have made him emotional," Remus said dejectedly.
"'Tis a sad day when a member of the Marauders is cut down in such a manner," Peter said.
"I believe James' problem is that certain things have been cut off, my dear Wormtail, not cut down," Sirius smirked.
"Alright, if you keep talking about my balls, Padfoot, I'm going to think you want to see them or something. It's been a while since you've been laid, hasn't it; you're not…batting for the other team now, are you?" James asked.
Sirius' smirk vanished. He growled in anger before turning into Padfoot and lunging straight between James' legs, his mouth open and ready to bite.
James wasn't recruited by England to play Chaser for nothing, though, and he easily side-stepped Padfoot's attack, causing the dog to hit the door to the Head Suit head first. Padfoot let out a whimper before turning back into Sirius Black.
"Owww," Sirius moaned, rubbing his forehead.
"And what lesson did we just learn, Padfoot?" Remus asked mockingly.
"Ugh, door is harder than head?" Sirius asked.
"Five points to Gryffindor," Peter exclaimed.
"Enough! Let's go before Lily comes down here, yells at us, and changes her mind about letting me go," James said quickly.
"Letting you go? Dear lord, Prongs, how whipped are you?" Sirius asked, horror evident in his voice.
"Watch yourself, Padfoot, I do know where Professor Kettleburn keeps the Pixies," James threatened.
Sirius shivered uncontrollably at the memory and his face paled. "Such tiny hands," he muttered, his voice shaking.
"Who has the map?" Remus asked.
"I do," Peter said proudly, "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good."
The four Marauders gathered around their greatest creation and made sure the coast was clear before opening the portrait of the fat lady.
"And just where are you four going at this hour?" the fat lady demanded.
"Why, my dear Violet, we are graduating tomorrow and will be spending the evening saying goodbye to Hogwarts," Remus said.
"For Hogwarts has indeed given so much to us," Peter quipped.
"And we have taken so much more," James and Sirius chorused together.
"You four are going to be graduating? It's about bloody time! Waking me up at ridiculous hours of the night, whenever you feel like it. I'll rest easy knowing I never have to lay eyes on you four ever again!" the Fat Lady exclaimed.
"Violet, you wound us," James cried out in faux-horror.
"Stop calling me Violet, you insolent twerp. My name is Lady Valencia Marguerite de Flanders! Not Violet!" the Fat Lady screamed at the retreating backs of the Marauders.
The four Marauders left the Castle with well-practiced ease. After seven years, they had memorized every nook and cranny of the ancient castle. They checked the map solely for the purpose of avoiding the caretaker, the bastard's new kitten Ms. Norris, and their favorite kitty, Professor McGonagall.
"Dissendium," James said, tapping his wand against the statue of the one-eyed witch, causing the hump on the statue to open, revealing the hidden passageway.
"What do you think we should get Minnie for a graduation gift?" Sirius asked during their long walk towards Hogsmeade.
"Why would you give Professor McGonagall a gift? We're the ones who are graduating," Peter said incredulously.
"Yeah, Padfoot. I think our being able to graduate should be enough of a gift for our illustrious Head of house," Remus said.
"You know, I'm positive I'm going to regret saying this later, but I think Padfoot has a good idea," James said as he dodged his friend's half-serious punch, "We've most likely put more gray hairs on Minnie's head in our time here than anyone else. So I think an appropriate graduation gift would be a fine idea."
"Ah, but what do you get for the woman who can transfigure anything?" Remus mused.
"Something she wouldn't ever give herself and something no one else would dare give her, of course," James said happily.
"Err, James, you're not talking about giving McGonagall an orgasm, are you? Because my name might be Sirius, but I'm seriously not into that," Sirius said.
James took out his wand and let loose a barrage of non-verbal stinging hexes causing Sirius to hide behind Peter, who let out a yelp of pain as several of the hexes hit his body.
"Damn it, Sirius, come out from behind Peter, you know you're not allowed to make anymore Sirius/serious jokes. We gave you five at the start of the year and you used them all up at the welcoming feast," James barked.
"Notice how he didn't deny he's interested in pleasuring Minerva, Remy, I wonder what Lily is doing to make our little Jamie take such an interest in older women," Sirius piped up from behind Peter.
The remainder of the trip to Hogsmeade was a running battle in which James tried to curse, hex, and transfigure Sirius as much as possible before he was able to reach Honeydukes' cellar. In fact, by the time Sirius Black emerged from the cellar, he was sporting a large pair of breasts, a pink and purple polka dotted robe, a tattoo across his forehead that read 'My name is not a pun', and a flashing neon sign that hovered a meter above his head and said 'Will pleasure older women, Hags included - 5 Sickles per hr.'
"Damn it, James! Can't you at least remove the breasts before we get to The Three Broomsticks?" Sirius demanded.
"Notice how he doesn't seem to mind being whored out to Hags," Remus said in a stage whisper to Peter.
"That sign is a damn good conversation starter, Moony. I can't get a girl to play with little Siri though with a pair of massive double Ds," Sirius exclaimed, gesturing wildly to his large breasts.
"How is announcing to the world that you are a cheap whore to the ugliest creatures on the face of the earth a good conversation starter, Padfoot?" James asked, his curiosity winning out over disgust.
"Easy, all the girls will want to slap me for being such a disgusting man-whore, and I in turn will place all the blame on my bastard best mate, who hexed me for crying at my mother's funeral," Sirius said proudly.
"What?! Your mother isn't dead!" James said incredulously.
"And even if she was, you would never cry at her funeral, you were calling her a filthy piece of hellspawn just last night," Remus added.
"I know that. You know that. But the girls will just see a poor sensitive bloke whose chauvinistic best mate hexed him for saying goodbye to his dear old mum. It's almost too easy," Sirius said gleefully.
James could only shake his head before removing the breasts, tattoo, and sign. Sirius would honestly go through with that story and he didn't need to spend his last night before graduation being hexed by a group of angry witches.
"Aww, can you put it back?" Sirius asked after noticing the sign was gone.
"No," James said.
"Spoilsport," Sirius grumbled.
James led the Marauders into the pub, which was surprisingly empty, what with it being midnight on a Friday.
"Can I help yo…oh, it's you four. Well, grab a booth. The usual?" Madam Rosmerta asked.
"Actually, we'll take a bottle of your best Ogden's tonight, my dear Madam Rosmerta," Sirius said flirtatiously.
"A bottle? What's the occasion?" Madam Rosmerta asked after summoning a large bottle of Ogden's Old Original Fire whiskey.
"Rosy, you wound me. Surely you realize that tomorrow me and my three fine friends will be graduating Hogwarts and attempting to make our way in the world!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Oh heavens, I completely forgot. Congratulations, boys. Although I would have to call you young men now, wouldn't I," Madam Rosmerta said with a wink at Peter, who squeaked and blushed.
Sirius looked at Peter in disgust before turning back to the gorgeous barkeep. "Join us, Rosy. The pub is near empty and surely you could use a break."
"Sirius Black, are you trying to get me drunk?" Madam Rosmerta asked with an arched eyebrow.
"What? Me? Heavens, no!" Sirius said with his best innocent look.
Madam Rosmerta pouted, rested her hand on Sirius' upper thigh, leaned in - giving the boy a spectacular view of her cleavage - and said, "Pity that, we could have had a lot of fun," before standing up, pouring herself a shot and saying, "To what could have been Sirius Black." After throwing back the shot, the sexy barmaid simply smiled and walked away, leaving three shocked Marauders and a completely gob-smacked Sirius in her wake.
It took Sirius a full ten seconds before he realized what happened and he let out a the most pathetic sounding wail James, Remus, and Peter had ever heard.
"Tough one, mate," Peter snickered as Sirius tipped back the bottle of Ogden's and started to chug the liquor.
"You do realize that had you managed to bed Rosmerta on the eve of graduation you would have become a legend, right? Third years would have been told about the great Sirius Black before their first Hogsmeade trip. Hell, they probably would have put you into Hogwarts: A History!" James said, causing Sirius to let out another wail and start drinking from the bottle again.
By the time Sirius put the bottle down, a noticeable amount had been drunk, steam was coming out of his ears, and tears were flowing down his face. James was certain only half of Sirius' tears were because of the fiery liquor.
"Life's not fair," Sirius said, slamming the bottle on the table.
"Yes, you who weren't allowed to have sex with a gorgeous barmaid understand the full unfairness that is life," Remus said, smirking at his friend.
"Whatever," Sirius slurred, "So you're a werewolf. Big deal. I could have had sex with Rosy! ROSY!"
Remus could only roll his eyes and pour James, Peter, and himself a shot. He was sure that Sirius would pull himself out of the utter despair that was his life…eventually.
"Oh, stop your whining, Sirius, you're starting to sound like Padfoot after the Pixie incident," Peter said.
Sirius' face lost all colour for a moment and he took an extra big swig of Firewhiskey to 'wash away the memory.' When he put the bottle down, he glared at Peter and barked out, "Shut up, virgin!"
"For the last time, I'm not a bloody virgin!" Peter screamed pouring himself another shot.
"Yeah, Padfoot, remember he had sex with that girl over summer. The one we never got the chance to meet because she had to go abroad to…what was it again Peter? Cello camp?" James asked.
"She took her music very seriously!" Peter cried indignantly.
"What was that girl's name again, Crystal? Are you sure all the sex you had wasn't just you falling asleep after reading playwizard?" Sirius asked.
"She was real, damn it," Peter swore, taking another shot.
"What was her last name again?" Remus laughed, "Swanson or something?"
"It was Swallows!" Peter hissed.
"So you are actually sitting there trying to get us to believe you had sex with a Crystal Swallows over the summer, but we didn't get the chance to meet her because she had to go away to…to Cello camp," James said before laughing uproariously. Sirius had already fallen out of his seat and was rolling on the floor. Remus was laughing so hard he had tears cascading down his face.
"Damn it, stop laughing! She was real! She was!" Peter said angrily.
"O-Ookay, okay, I'll believe you if you can answer one question for me," Sirius said after composing himself.
"What?" Peter asked somewhat nervously.
"Was she a credit to her last name?" Sirius asked straight-faced.
"Huh?" Peter asked, clearly confused.
"I'll rephrase. Does her last name do her justice?" Sirius asked again.
Peter looked completely lost at Sirius' question causing James, Sirius, and Remus to shout out, "Virgin!"
Peter's ears suddenly became bright red once he figured out what Sirius was asking. "She was…ugh…well, she and I…well, you see…"
"Peter, just stop, we'll never believe you," Remus said, still chuckling.
"I'd rather be a virgin than a bitch to a pack of wild pixies," Peter muttered just loud enough for Sirius to hear him and send a very cold glare that promised pain later.
"Boy, boys, enough fighting. Tonight is a night for celebrating! In a little less than ten hours, we will be respectable graduates from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I propose a toast," James announced drunkenly, "to the best damn group of pranksters that this school has ever seen!"
"Damn right, Prongs!" Sirius said ecstatically. "We were the greatest bloody pranksters this school had ever known!"
"No one could challenge us! And when idiots like Snivellus tried, we squashed them like the greasy gits they were!" Remus slurred.
"No one else at this school could have become an Animagus by their fifth year," Peter said enthusiastically, but quietly enough that only the four of them could hear.
"Damn right, Wormtail!" Sirius said loudly.
"No one else could have found all the bloody hidden passages we did!" Remus bellowed.
"Too true! And no one, and I mean no one, could have created The Map! The Map is a bloody work of art!" Sirius said proudly.
"Do you remember when we made all the knives at the Slytherin table turn into snakes during fourth year and Snivellus got bit like four times!" Peter laughed.
"Or that time we got Slughorn's teeth to elongate and his arms to turn into flippers. I swear the man is a walrus Animagus!" Sirius said gleefully.
"No, no, do you remember when we put compulsion charms on all the owls so that they would crap on the Slytherin table while they were delivering their letters at breakfast?" Remus said joyously.
"What about when we had Gryffindor appreciation day last year and everyone who ate anything at breakfast had a lion's mane for the rest of the week?" Peter smirked.
Sirius, Peter, and Remus laughed for some time reminiscing about their past pranks until Sirius noticed James was staying rather quiet.
"Hey Prongs, why so down, mate?" Sirius asked, seeing his best mate go from happy and carefree to rather forlorn.
"Nothing, it's just…" James trailed off.
"What's wrong, James?" Remus asked seriously.
"Yeah, like you said we should be celebrating tonight!" Peter declared.
James just sighed, "Alight, I guess I'm just kind of disappointed."
"Disappointed? Why? We had a great run and we ruled the school," Sirius said.
"Oh no, I'm not disappointed in what we've managed to accomplish. I'm more disappointed that there isn't anybody who will follow in our footsteps," James admitted.
"What do you mean?" Peter asked.
"Alright, well, for the last two years, I had hoped that someone, a first year or a second year, would have stepped up and started to emulate us. You know, start to prank the other houses," James said.
"Why would they need to, though? We always made sure that Hogwarts saw its fair share of pranks," Sirius said boastfully.
"But don't you see, guys? With us leaving, who will bring terror to Hogwarts? There isn't anybody except Peeves, and that poltergeist wasn't a fraction as good as we were," James said emphatically.
James statement brought the cheerful mood of the party to a crashing halt.
"Prongs is right. Without us at Hogwarts, well, it'll become…a…a school," Sirius said, clearly disturbed by the notion.
"But what can we do? We can't stay, and as insane as Dumbledore is, he'd never let us become teachers," Remus said seriously.
James, Sirius, and Peter snorted at the idea of a Marauder as a teacher.
"Alright, boys. Tonight is the night that the Marauders do their last ever prank on Hogwarts," James said, completely serious.
"What do you want to do? Spell the common room shut so no one can get to graduation?" Sirius asked.
"Lock Professor McGonagall in her Animagus form and let Padfoot chase her around the lake while simultaneously projecting the image into the Great Hall during breakfast?" Remus offered.
"Conjure thousands of rats and set them lose in the dungeons?" Peter asked hopefully.
"No, no, and no. All great ideas, but I was thinking about something bigger," James said cryptically.
"Prongs has a plan," Sirius said with a smirk. "Well, let's hear it, then."
"I say we find a way to corrupt the next generation of students. We need to find a way to guide the future pranksters of the school, even though we won't be there physically," James said.
"How?" Remus asked.
"I have no idea," James admitted as he poured the remainder of the Firewhiskey into a shot and downed it.
"I know! The Map!" Sirius said excitedly.
"What about it?" Remus asked.
"We leave the map someplace where only the next generation of pranksters would be able to find it! That map shows everything, guys! Imagine what we could have accomplished if we'd had that in our first year!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Sweet Merlin, Padfoot actually had an idea that makes sense! No, no, that can't be right. I'm clearly so drunk I mistook some ridiculous comment about what gentle lovers Pixies are for something intelligent," James chided himself.
Sirius pulled out his wand and banished the empty bottle of Ogden's at James for the Pixie comment. James ducked and the bottle broke into hundreds of pieces against the back wall.
"Dick! Expelliarmus!" James said angrily.
"Protego! I'm not a dick! You are! Stupefy!" Sirius cried out.
Sirius' stunning spell shot well over James head and collided with the large mirror behind the bar, causing it to shatter into thousands of little pieces.
"Oh shit!" Peter said.
"We'll never be welcome here again," Remus muttered.
"Sirius, fix it while Rosy is in the loo!" James demanded.
"Reparo," Sirius called out. Unfortunately, as drunk as he was, he couldn't get the wand movement right and the pieces of glass remained on the floor. The sound of a door opening in the back caused the Marauders to look at each other nervously for a moment.
"Padfoot, leave the gold, let's go!" Peter said quickly.
Sirius quickly dropped several galleons onto the table, had he been sober, he would have realized that they were in fact knuts and not galleons, and sprinted out of the tavern, his friends right behind him.
"Merlin above, we're never going to be welcome in there again," James said after they were a safe distance from The Three Broomsticks.
"True, but back to my brilliant idea," Sirius said as he drunkenly swung an arm around James. "You see, Prongs, if we leave the map someplace future pranksters will find it, we'll be looking out for them. Helping their mischief careers so to speak."
"I like it. Problem is, where will we put the map? We don't want just anybody to find it. It's our pride and joy after all!" Remus said.
"I believe," James said, drawing himself up pompously, "that I have the answer to that problem."
When he didn't elaborate beyond that, Sirius barked, "Well, what's the answer?"
"What answer?" James asked drunkenly.
"God damn it, Prongs, you said you know the answer to our problem!" Sirius said.
"Our problem? You're the one with the tiny penis, Sirius, not me. Don't go forcing your issues onto me!" James said accusingly.
"What! Padfoot's got a tiny penis?!" Remus howled in laughter.
"I do not have a tiny penis! Siri is a damn mighty penis, at least twenty…no thirty girls can attest to its mightiness!" Sirius denied very, very loudly.
"Announce it to the whole village why don't you. You don't have to scream your ass off, I have enhanced hearing, you know!" Remus barked back.
"Oh, I remember now! We give the map to Filch!" James said.
"What?!" Remus, Peter, and Sirius exclaimed in horror.
"No, follow me here. The bastard has seen us with the map several times, so he probably knows what it is. All we have to do is purposefully get caught between now and graduation and make sure that Filch confiscates the map. It would be like a test of nerve for all future pranksters, having to steal the map out of Filch's office," James said.
"Brilliant, Prongs, but what if Filch is able to activate it?" Sirius asked.
James winced; that would be bad. They'd be essentially responsible for the destruction of not only all future pranks, but night time snogging spots.
"We need to figure out a way to protect the map better," James said.
"By tomorrow?" Remus said incredulously.
"Yes, this is important. Securing the future of pranksters at Hogwarts is possibly the most important thing we could ever do!" James declared.
"But how will we protect it better? It's already got a password," Sirius said.
"I don't know. I just wish... I just wish there was a way for us to know who was trying to access the map and judge them, you know?" James said.
"I know a way to do that. I overheard something at the manor and I read about it in one of my master's books when he wasn't looking!" Peter shouted before his eyes widened and his face paled at what he had just admitted.
James and Sirius immediately lunged away from Peter as fast as possible, both wearing looks of disgust on their faces.
Peter was about to go for his wand to defend himself when he felt a very powerful hand clasp his shoulder. He hesitantly looked up and was shocked to see Remus looking down at him with…with understanding in his eyes.
"Remus, get away from him, you heard what he just said. That's just…just wrong!" Sirius said, disgust evident in his voice.
"Shut up, Sirius. It was a very Gryffindor thing to admit to!" Remus shot back.
"I can't believe you're defending him!" James said with shock.
"James, he's still our friend…even if he is a…a…um, Peter, what exactly does your master like to call you?" Remus asked very hesitantly.
Peter was so shocked by the question that he couldn't form a coherent statement. What did his master like to call him? Wormtail? Death Eater? Hey you? Worthless piece of filth? He really did have many different names around the Dark Lord's Manor.
James and Sirius both saw the fear in Peter's eyes and they reluctantly walked back over towards their friend.
"Er…al-alright, P-Peter. If it's what you want, I guess I can accept it," James begrudgingly conceded.
If Peter was shocked before, he was absolutely comatose now. How could they accept my being a Death Eater? he asked himself over and over again.
"I suppose it's partially my fault," Sirius mumbled, "I was always mocking you for being a virgin."
"We're just glad you admitted it to us," Remus said kindly.
What they hell is going on! What was in that Firewhiskey! Peter's mind screamed at him to say or do anything, but he still couldn't formulate a sentence.
"S-So, how l-l-long h-have you been…um…well, you know…" James prodded.
"A little over a year," Peter somehow found himself saying.
"A-and d-do you…er…like it? I mean it's certainly not for me or anything, but you know if you like it…" Sirius trailed off.
"It…it has its ups and downs, I suppose," Peter admitted, shocked that he was having this conversation.
"Ugh…yes…well, Peter. We just want you to know that…um…well always be your friends," Remus said quickly.
"Right, just because you like to get buggered doesn't mean you're not our friend," James quickly added.
Wait! WHAT! Peter's eyes widened comically, but since the other three Marauders were doing their best to avoid eye contact, no one saw it.
"Yeah, just because you like…um, being a slave and…er…well, like to have a…a master, doesn't mean you're not our friend," Sirius said, clearly uncomfortable.
Peter's mind was in overdrive as he tried to process everything. Somehow, through some sick twist of fate, his friends had taken his slip of allegiance to the Dark Lord and turned it into…into meaning he was some sort of homosexual sex-slave. For the first time in his life, Peter considered openly revealing his secret allegiance to Voldemort, he'd rather have his friends think him a strong-willed traitor than a gimpy sex-slave, for Merlin's sake!
"Why, why don't you tell us about the thing you read in yo-your…m-m-master's book, Peter," Remus said, trying to move the conversation away from his friend's sexual preferences as soon as bloody possible.
"I overheard him talking about making a copy of himself and imprinting it onto a diary. He gave the diary to Lu…a…another s-s-servant. I heard him talking about the book that the spell was in and I cast a copying charm on the spell. It's a long incantation, but we should be able to do it," Peter said weakly.
"R-right, let's get back to Gryffindor tower. You can find the spell and Remus, Sirius, and I will prepare the map," James said uncomfortably.
"I'm not gay," Peter blurted out.
"No. No, we didn't say you were," Sirius said.
"But if you are, it's fine, we don't mind, really, it's not a big deal, really, not at all, really," James said very quickly and not at all convincingly.
The trip back to the castle was a quiet one. James, Remus, and Sirius were doing their best to avoid looking at Peter and Peter was berating himself for opening his stupid mouth. It was nearly dawn when the quartet made it up to Gryffindor tower.
"Violet, wake up," Sirius shouted inches from the canvas.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!" The fat Lady screamed at being awoken by a drunken Sirius Black.
"Damn you, Black, I swear to Merlin that someday I will…"
"Graduating Gryffindor," James said, causing the fat lady's portrait to swing open, allowing them inside.
"Alright, Peter, go get that copy of the spell you took from y-your m-master's," James said, struggling to say the last two words.
Peter just sighed before running up to the seventh year boys dorm.
"Look at it this way, Prongsie," Sirius said with a massive smile, "we probably won't remember tonight, tomorrow, or, err, today! So we won't remember finding out about Peter."
"True. Well, let's get the map ready. We only have half an hour before I pass out," James muttered tiredly as he opened the door to his and Lily's shared suit.
Sirius unrolled the map and carefully placed it on the lone desk in the shared common room.
"So do you think this spell of Peter's will pan out?" Sirius asked.
"I hope so. It's probably our only hope at preserving the future pranksters of Hogwarts," James said solemnly just as the door opened and a very nervous Peter walked in, clutching a jar and a rumpled up piece of paper.
"What's in the jar?" Remus asked curiously.
"Oh, ugh…okay, well, I was reading the instructions of the spell, and to make this Horcrux impression, we need to kill something first," Peter said softly.
"What! Kill something? What do you mean?" James asked, appalled.
"Well it's just that…okay, I can't read the instructions that well, because I was kind of nervous when I did the translation spell on the book." Peter squeaked.
"Let me see that," Sirius snapped, grabbing the paper and looking at it. "Well, it's not English or French, that's for sure. I've got no bloody clue what that is. Wait…hold on, I recognize those words."
"What?" Remus and James asked.
Sirius simply pointed down at the paper. There, where the margins would have been in a book, it clearly said, "Avada Kedavra."
"So we have to kill someone, bugger this, Peter. Your master is absolutely off his fucking rocker if he did this," James said.
"No, I don't think we have to kill someone. See, right here is said something about a sacrifice. I don't think it has to be human, just something killed by the Avada Kedavra curse," Peter explained.
"It's still an Unforgivable, Peter," Remus pointed out.
"Only if used against people, Remus," Peter said before showing his fellow marauders the glass jar he had brought with him. Inside were four spiders.
"Oh, I get it. We kill the spider, say the incantation and presto our very own Horcrux, right?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah, I think so," Peter said, glad that at least one of his friends was still on board with the idea.
"What do you say, Moony? Prongs?" Sirius asked.
Remus just shrugged his shoulders indifferently.
"I don't like it, Padfoot. It's still an Unforgivable," James said after yawning.
"Damn it, James, you're the one who wanted to insure the pranking capabilities of future generations!" Sirius barked.
"Oh fine, whatever. Let's just do it so that I can get some bloody sleep," James said, too tired to argue.
Peter nodded, removed the lid off the glass jar, and cast a Petrificus Totalus on each of the spiders before levitating them out on the desk.
"Who's going first?" Sirius asked.
"I will, I guess, since I did find the spell," Peter said.
Remus, Sirius, and James all nodded and gave Peter plenty of room to perform the killing curse on the spider.
"Er, we have to kill the spider, then say this chant thing immediately afterwards, okay?" Peter said.
Seeing his four friends nodding their heads, Peter raised his wand to the petrified spider and said, "Avada Kedavra!" A weak flash of green light later and the spider was dead, barely. Peter quickly placed his wand against his heart like the picture showed and said: "Ego scisco excessum qui per hic caedo nam mei substantia tribuo." A white piece of vapor seemed to circulate around Peter's wand, growing stronger and stronger in density before he slowly pulled his wand away from his heart. He couldn't help but gasp as he felt that the further he pulled his wand away, the harder it was to breathe.
"Peter, the map! Finish the spell," Remus commanded.
Peter nodded slightly, pointed his wand, which he could barely see because it was so obscured by the silvery vapor, at the marauder's map and said, "Substantia Marauder's Map." Instantly, the white vapor left his wand, traveled the short distance to the map and began to slowly seep into the parchment until not a trace of the vapor remained.
"Wicked! I'm next," Sirius proclaimed.
What followed over the next thirty minutes was Sirius, Remus, and James all performing the ritual and choosing to put their own "imprint" into the Marauder's Map. When all four Marauders managed the ritual, they went over to the map to see if anything had changed. James pressed his wand to the map and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
Amazingly, instead of going directly to the map as they had designed it, the map welcomed them as fellow pranksters, and displayed a rather impressive opening message from 'Mssrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs'.
"A job well done, lads. So who's going to have the map taken away by Filch?" James asked.
"I'll do it. I want to kick that cat of his once more for good measure," Sirius said with a tired smile.
"Thanks, Padfoot. Well, I'm going to bed. Night," James said as he took two steps and collapsed on a couch.
"We'll wait in here for you to get back," Remus called out to Sirius who waved his hand lazily in acknowledgement.
"You know, those couches do look comfortable," Peter said as he laid down on one of the two remaining available couches.
"Yeah, and Sirius will probably get chewed out by McGonagall for wandering around. I think I'll just rest my eyes for a minute till he gets back," Remus said tiredly, falling asleep as soon as his head hit one of the couches' pillows.
What none of the three now passed-out Marauders noticed before they fell asleep was that the other occupant of the Head Suit had been woken up by the rather loud chanting and magical bursts coming from the common room. She had intended to come downstairs to tell off the four drunk Marauders, but stopped to watch the obviously powerful ritual magic the boys were performing. From their rather loud, slurred conversations with one another, Lily gleamed that Peter was apparently a sex-slave, which oddly made a lot of things about the boy suddenly make sense, and that he found some ritual that would allow them to imprint a version of their actual personality onto their map of the castle. Lily couldn't help but feel a little intrigued by the magic that they were doing, so once she was certain the three boys were passed out, she snuck into the common room and nicked the piece of paper, describing the spell. She had never heard of a Horcrux before, but if the Marauders could do the spell while drunk, it couldn't be that difficult magic.
It was a very subdued James Potter that attended the Hogwarts Graduation Ceremony for the class of 1978. His dear, sweet Lily had held out on her promise of not providing a hangover cure, so he had to sit and listen to Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, and Slughorn with a massive headache, which only grew worse as the graduation ceremony grew longer. While last night had certainly been fun - or at least he hoped it had been fun, as he couldn't remember - waking up this morning was not.
Lily had woken Peter, Remus, and himself up in the same manner: by hitting them all with a rather powerful, and incredibly cold, aguamenti charm. After everyone was up, Lily promptly informed them that they had one hour to get showered, dressed, and make it to the Quidditch Pitch before walking out of the Head Suit in her best dress robes. After a very rushed shower, a few emergency hygiene charms, and a dead sprint to the Quidditch Pitch, the three Marauders made it just in time. When they ran into Sirius, they demanded to know where he was and why he let Lily hit them with a blast of water from the arctic to wake them up.
Sirius, it turned out, hadn't been any luckier than his fellow Marauders. He had been found by Professor McGonagall and Filch passed out on a bench on the second floor. What was worse, it turned out that Filch had confiscated the Marauder's Map! Luckily, Sirius had the sense to wipe it clean before passing out, but still, losing the Map on the last day of school was a tough blow to take for the already down Marauders. McGonagall had apparently decided that since she couldn't give Sirius any detentions, seeing as he was graduating today, she would punish him by not providing a hangover cure and telling Charles Potter about his second son's behavior.
Now that wasn't a conversation Sirius or James were particularly looking forward to having.
After the speeches had mercifully ended, Lily had come over and proudly introduced James to her parents and sister. It took every ounce of strength James had to not vomit on the horse faced girl that he was certain could not be related to his Lily. After several minutes talking with the Evans, his father wandered over and introduced himself to the two muggles, while his mother slipped him a vial of hangover-relief potion, with a look that promised he would be hearing from her as soon as they got back to the manor.
"So, was last night worth suffering all throughout the graduation ceremony?" Lily asked, shortly after he had taken the Potion.
"No," James deadpanned.
"Can't remember, can you," Lily said knowingly.
"No," James admitted.
"Did you learn your lesson?" Lily asked seriously.
"Yes," James responded, for a moment feeling like he was talking to his mum.
"Good boy. Welcome to being a grown-up, James Potter. Are you sure you can handle it?" Lily asked teasingly.
"I'll be alright," James said, fingering the engagement ring in his pocket. No, now wouldn't be the right time. You don't propose to a girl after being so hung over that you can't remember the night before. He would propose when the time was right. He'd have flowers, candles, and a romantic diner. Yes, she'd like that. Lily was right, it was time to grow up.
A/N- This fic was the result of a plot bunny that just wouldn't leave me alone. I've seen a bunch of stories where the Marauders get transported to Harry's time or vice-versa, and I thought it would be an original and funny spoof of those stories.
To all my readers of Dark Lord Potter, I'm sorry to say that I just haven't had the time to complete chapter 25. I had hoped that I would have been able to have a chapter done before the end of April, but I'm still working on papers and studying for finals. Also, I will be going on vacation at the start of May so expect chapter 25 to be posted sometime around late May. Sorry for the wait.
Rules for anyone wishing to continue this fic:
During the summer after PoA, Harry is feeling alone at the Dursleys and remembers that the Marauders map insulted Snape. Harry realizes that the Map might be more than just a map of the school and tries to use it to get to know his father.
The Horcrux must activate and suck the life forces out of the Dursleys and Piers Polkiss.
Dumbledore and at least one other member of the staff must be aware that it is actually the real marauders, not people imitating them.
Sirius must say at some point to Dumbledore, "You buggered a Dark Lord!"
Peter must try to prove he is not a gay submissive by trying to find girls that will let him dominate them, unfortunately all he finds are lots of dominatrix
Sirius will spend a great deal of effort courting Fleur Delacour only to be refused every step of the way.
Lily's Horcrux must be found at some point.
Older Sirius and older Remus must somehow merge with their younger selves, doesn't matter when.
This fic should follow the events of GoF.
Ron!Bashing would be appreciated.