A Real Man

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park.

Summary: Kyle thought his life was over…until someone stepped up to defend him.

Notes: A Giftfic for Ben Barrett for catching Perchance to Dream's 100th review.


Kyle Broflovski thought his life was over the SECOND that Cartman walked in on him and Stan fucking in the locker room. When Cartman saw Stan balls-deep in Kyle, the latter knew that the fatass would viciously pick on him. Ginger Jewish Cocksucking Fag would be his new name, as soon as Cartman could pick himself up off the floor, where his loud guffaws echoed harshly off the concrete walls, totally killing the mood.

Both Stan and Kyle immediately knew the mood was killed, and stopped. Stan pulled out, they both got dressed and left, blushing furiously and very ashamed of themselves.

Cartman wasn't in their first period English class, which made Kyle even more worried. Sure, Cartman could still be in the locker room rolling on the floor and laughing his big, fat ass off from the sight of the two most popular guys in the school fucking each other's brains out, but he could also be somewhere else. And that was what Kyle was worried about.

The intercom crackled as the Vice-Principal came on to read the morning announcements. She ran through all the usual boring shit: the cheerleaders were going to be having a bake sale in the lobby at lunch, the speech team wanted to congratulate two of its members that were heading to State competition, the choir director wanted to let the fags in show choir that there was going to be an extra choreography rehearsal after school, and it was Tweek's birthday. Then, there was the sound of a scuffle over the mike and then the voice that made a paralyzing chill run down Kyle's spine every time he heard it came on.

"Attention, students," Cartman said. "Ah have the most AWESOME news in the Historeh of EVAH!"

Several students turned to look at the speaker as if Cartman were going to pop his head through it and tell them himself.

"Kahl Broflovski and Stan Marsh are the two biggest faggy gaywads in the whole world! Ah saw them in the locker room this mornin fucking each other's brains out. Bebe, you silly blonde bitch, Ah'm so seriously hella-jealous I get to tell you that Stan's fucking that Jew ass you've been ogling since forevah. Stan, Kahl? Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh, Ah told everehbodeh, heh heh heh heh heh heh."

The intercom clicked off and the classroom exploded with laughter. Fingers pointed at Stan and Kyle, who were both fire engine red and wishing nothing more at this moment than to teleport to Australia with M-16s and endless ammo and massacre kangaroos that looked like Cartman. Stan tried to hide himself in his book, while Kyle slid down in his seat and tried to pull his hat over his face.

Then, from the middle of the room, a loud voice yelled for the rest of the class to shut up. As the rest of the class slowly stopped laughing and looked around for who had said that, Kenny popped up from his desk and walked over to the intercom panel, fiddling with it until he was broadcasting to the whole school himself.

"Stop it, all of you. This isn't funny," he said, an angry look on his face.

"What are you talking about?" Clyde asked. "Of course it is!"

"No, it's not. You're all treating those two like they're not even guys anymore!"

"They're not! They're fags! Kyle especially!" Craig exclaimed.

"Actually, Kyle's more of a man than any of us," Kenny retorted.

"He is?" asked Craig.

"Yes!" Kenny exclaimed. "For Chrissake, he takes it up the ass from a pussy!"

"How does that make him a man, Kenny?" Token asked.

"How stupid are all of you? Kyle's more of a man than us because, well…how many of YOU would be willing to take a cock up your ass? Especially Stan's?"

The rest of the guys looked around uneasily before Butters raised his hand.

"No, Butters, you don't count. You'd take your OWN cock up your ass if it wasn't only four inches long," Kenny said, making the Hello Kitty babydoll-tee, skinny jean, and eyeshadow-wearing boy look down in shame.

"Alright, you've got us, Kenny, none of us would take Stan's huge cock in our asses," Clyde said. "Sorry for thinking you weren't a man, Kyle."

Kyle, shocked at all this, nodded his thanks and forgiveness to Clyde, uneasily sitting back up.

"What about Stan, though?" Tweek asked. "He still likes fucking ass…"

"Oh, he's just a horny perv," Kenny said with a wink towards Stan. "No harm in that, eh Butters?"

"Sh-shut up, Kenny…" Butters muttered.

"OK, now that we've got that cleared up…" Kenny said, "Miss Davies, let's learn about some prepositions!" He turned off the intercom and pulled a pencil out of his pocket to sharpen over by the board, and just as he passed in front of the door, it flew open to admit a VERY angry Cartman, who pushed the door against the wall with such force that Kenny, who was caught in its path, was squished flat against the closet.

"Oh my God, you killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed as the blond boy's blood spurted onto the chalkboard.

"You bastard!" Kyle exclaimed, as Cartman took his seat, still seething, and another otherwise normal day at South Park High School commenced.


Notes: So, for my first oneshot in about six months…good, bad, ugly? Let me know!


Phoenix II