Notes: My attempt at a gender-bender. :D! Present tense included, because... well, for no real reason really. For all those interested, the title really is just an example of me being pretentious - Ovid's Metamorphoses, Book IX, Iphis and Ianthe ('The tributes Iphis promised as a maid/ By Iphis, now a man, are duly paid') Yes, I am appropriately ashamed of myself. Also, I haven't bothered to change male names to female or female to male, because I'm a lazy sod.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise, I probably don't own. As you may have guessed.
"So, likes, dislikes, all that sort of stuff," Kakashi-sensei says, waving her hand negligently. "Pinky, you can go first."
Sakura glares – she's been in a bad mood since she realised that she's been assigned to the only all-girls team the academy has graduated this year. Ino-pig might be stuck with the fat-ass and that lazy slob, Shikamaru, but at least she doesn't have to deal with Perfect Miss Uchiha and the dobe, Naruto. "My name," she gets out from behind gritted teeth, "Is Sakura. I'd prefer if you remembered that sensei."
Kakashi-sensei doesn't look overly impressed, peering over her orange book with her single eyebrow raised. "Eh, you're all the same until you make something of yourself," she says. "Now, chop chop." Her eye curves into a smile, and Naruto snorts in amusement. Sakura wishes her glare could kill.
"Haruno Sakura," she says. "Twelve. I like books and chakra control and I don't like my team-mates. In fact, I want to transfer. Is that possible?"
"No," Kakashi-sensei says cheerfully. "Your hobbies?"
"Reading," Sakura says grumpily, and Perfect Uchiha levels a look at her that's altogether unimpressed. All books, no strength, Sasuke's gaze says. Sakura bristles back at her.
"Wonderful," Kakashi-sensei says mockingly. "Next – ah, Naruto, you look eager!"
"How come you know her name?" Sakura snaps, and Naruto laughs; her curious fox-like bark that makes most adults flinch.
"'Cause of my stunning good looks and natural talent, Sakura-chaaaan," she sing-songs. "Obviously sensei remembered the important ones on the team – right, Sasuke?"
"Hn," Sasuke grunts, but there's an amused tolerance in her gaze that Sakura has only ever seen directed at Naruto – and maybe that older kid that sometimes hangs around; the one with the weird white eyes. Sakura only remembers white-eyes because his team-mate is the weapons kid, Tenten – who, as she and Ino both agree, is clearly the hottest guy in Konoha.
For a second, Sakura tries to imagine rating guys with her team-mates, like she does with Ino, and her brain promptly breaks. She thinks Sasuke is probably asexual, because she's definitely not showed any interest in the boys that pant around her, desperate for some acknowledgement from the 'ice queen'. Naruto, on the other hand, would probably have absolutely no taste when it came to good looks – she certainly has no taste when it came to clothes. Has no one ever told her that bright orange jumpsuits are so not in fashion that cavemen probably would have refused to wear them?
"Anyway," Naruto continues cheerfully, dragging Sakura out of her thoughts. "Name's Uzumaki Naruto as you probably know. I like ramen, training, my plants and painting Sasuke-chan's house weird colours. I dislike... uh..." she frowns, as if not sure what she could possibly dislike, and Sakura rolls her eyes in faint contempt. Typical Naruto, she thinks. Incapable of even the simplest assignments. "Uh, people judging me I guess," Naruto says. "And when Iruka-sensei won't buy me ramen, 'cause he goes on about it stunting my growth or something. I want to be the first female Hokage, and... yeah. Stuff." She shrugs helplessly.
"Okay," Kakashi-sensei says brightly – Sakura notices with some indignation that she'd put her book away for Naruto's introduction. She hadn't had the courtesy of having their sensei pay full attention to her.
She was starting to get the nasty suspicion that Kakashi-sensei was the type to play favourites.
"Sasuke, enlighten us about your life," Kakashi-sensei says, fluttering her eyelashes in a parody of some of the more odd fanboys Sasuke has. Sakura thinks that it's kind of freaky to see Kakashi-sensei doing that with only one eye. Sasuke seems to think so too, from the wary expression on her face.
"Uchiha Sasuke," she finally grunts – unladylike, Sakura thinks with a haughty disapproval born of envy. "I like training. I dislike weaklings." There is a pause where she looks significantly at Sakura, and Sakura scowls. Naruto was worse than her, she consoles herself in a brief moment of self-doubt. Even if Naruto did have a freaky amount of chakra and a really hard punch for a girl (as Kiba had said, before Naruto had punched him again, shouting that her punch was hard for anyone, and would Kiba like to get his jaw broken to prove it?) she was still incompetent with all the jutsus they'd practiced.
"Ambition? To kill a certain bastard – preferably castrating him first – and become head of ANBU." Sasuke nods sharply, and Naruto grins at her, flashing sharp canines.
"Me an' Sasuke are gonna take Konoha by storm," she says fiercely, a kind of wild glee to her words. Kakashi-sensei definitely seems approving at this, her eye lingering on them and completely overlooking Sakura – who is feeling quite intimidated right now, thanks, and why did she have to get the disturbing team-mates?
"Before you go planning your take over of Konoha," Kakashi-sensei begins, hiding the approval beneath faint sardonic humour – Sakura thinks she's the only one who notices, from the way Sasuke and Naruto tense, their eyes narrowing - "Perhaps you should know that you haven't actually passed the genin test."
Naruto stares at Kakashi-sensei for a long second, before turning to look at Sasuke. Sasuke looks like she's sucked on something sour as she nods slightly, and Naruto curses. "Fucker. You telling me I went through that stuff just to have another test?"
"Afraid so," Kakashi-sensei beams. "This one's got a sixty six per cent chance of failure as well."
Sakura blanches. "What?" she says. "But why did you bother to put us in teams-?"
"Ah, ah, ah," Kakashi-sensei says. "Be a good little shinobi and don't question orders. Tomorrow morning, six AM, training ground twenty four, don't eat breakfast."
"But sensei-!" Sakura starts, stamping her foot in frustration as Kakashi-sensei teleports away mid-protest. "This sucks," she grumbles, looking over to where Sasuke and Naruto are talking – Naruto is gesturing over some point, while Sasuke is shaking her head with a slightly frustrated look on her face. As if sensing her gaze, the two both turn abruptly, fixing glares on her. You are not welcome, they say quite clearly.
Sasuke has always been possessive over Naruto, ever since the younger girl got in a fight with some genin four years older and got her nose and both arms broken. Sasuke doesn't like other people moving in on her possessions – and as far as Sakura can see, Sasuke very clearly thinks that Naruto belongs to her. They bonded over dead parents and desires to get strong, and from that point on, teasing one would get you a bone broken by the other. There was no room for outsiders in their relationship.
This totally sucks, Sakura thinks mournfully. She has team-mates that aren't going to co-operate with her, a sensei who likes them better and she's being told she can't eat breakfast tomorrow.
She's also not sure that it's physically possible for her to wake up before eight in the morning.