Summary: There are some missions that just don't get mentioned. Slash, cross-dressing, crude humour, etc

Notes: Why yes. I do still have the sense of humour of a prepubescent male. What made you ask?

Disclaimer: -insert your own version-

Icha Icha Infiltration (1/?)

Mission Objective: Infiltration of Iwagakure; prevention of hostile action against Konoha.

Assigned Ninjas: Hagane Kotetsu (chuunin, 26) and Uzumaki Naruto (chuunin, 17).

Mission Classification: A-class, long-term.

Day One

10.37 AM

"Why do I have to be the girl?"

"Because you invented sexy-no-jutsu. Therefore, by that theory you're the most adept at it."

"But-" Naruto whined, and Kotetsu raised an eyebrow.

"But what, imouto? Are you still sulking about having to move to Iwagakure because our father's trading company collapsed and now we're looking to set up a shinobi equipment shop?"

Naruto looked particularly blank. "What?" he asked.

"The cover story," Kotetsu hissed. "Please tell me you at least looked at the mission parameters."

"Now you're just sounding like Raido," Naruto sighed. "Relax. Jiraiya taught me 'bout this stuff. It's cool."

"I do not sound like Raido," Kotetsu said huffily. "Raido is a sexually frustrated nice guy, whereas I am a liberator of love. I am also the person who would prefer not to die because my partner forgot they were supposed to be pretending to be my little sister and – I don't know, acted like a lover."

"Eh, whatever. If I forget we can just pretend it's some secret incest thing."

"We're going to die," Kotetsu said hopelessly. "You're going to get us killed and then we will be dead, and no longer alive, and I will never achieve my dream of having sex with someone from every clan in Konoha."

"I thought that was Genma's dream."

"He was my teacher. We have very similar ambitions."

"...Right. Hey, do you think my breasts are big enough? I mean, I know Iruka said some things were better in moder- moder-"


"Yeah, that. But if I was a guy-"

"Which you are."

"Okay. Because I'm a guy, I'd so go for the girl with bigger-"

"I know. So would I. Apparently Iruka's good at this stuff though, and if he says moderation is better, it probably is. And besides, do you really think you could fight with huge breasts?"

"I could try hitting people with them. Introducing: the new Boobs-no-jutsu!"

"...Witty. How old are you again?"

"Seventeen. I like to go back to the good old days when I was twelve though."

"I can tell."

2.52 PM

"So, what did Jiraiya actually teach you?"

"Where the best whore-houses were."

"No, seriously."

"I am being serious.

4.20 PM

"Okay. So your name is-"

"Hiroshi Naoko."

"And you are-"

"The younger sister of Hiroshi Yuichi. Why do I have to be a girl anyway?"

"Fucked if I know. And you look like-"

"An average seventeen year old female with black hair, grey eyes and titchy breasts."

"Will you stop complaining about the size of your breasts?!"

"But they're pathetic!"

"Do you see me complaining about have to cut my hair?"

"What does your hair have to do with my breasts?"

"I... don't know. That was a bad example."

6.32 PM

Kotetsu chewed on his lower lip as they approached the faintly intimidating gates of Iwagakure. His beloved sister stood by his side, sexy-no-jutsu firmly in placed and locked with a convenient seal masquerading as a tattoo, and he could only hope that he- she, even, would keep her mouth shut and stop complaining about the size of her breasts.

"Name your business!" a voice shouted from a distance, and Kotetsu – no, Yuichi now – looked up with a pleasant smile on his face.

"M'name's Hiroshi Yuichi – we sent ahead," he drawled confidently. "Startin' up a new shinobi shop."

There was a pause, and some quiet discussion, before a man in a chuunin vest approached.

"You're a bit early Hiroshi-san," he said. "We expected you tomorrow."

Yuichi shrugged, keeping a mask of confidence in place. "Travellin' was better than we thought it'd be."

"Ah," the Iwa chuunin acknowledged. "My name's Seito Akihiro." He paused, and cocked his head towards Naruto. "And your name ma'am?"

"Hiroshi Naoko," she said, tugging on some strands of hair, seemingly nervously.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance," Akihiro said, his eyes intent. "If you'll follow me?"

Yuichi couldn't resist it – he bent his head down to 'Naoko's' ear and murmured softly, "Seems Iruka was right."

Naoko replied with a few obscene hand signals that Akihiro fortunately missed.

End Day One