Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this doesn't represent my personal views

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this doesn't represent my personal views.

AN: This has been in the back of my head for like EVER, and I've been spending my spare time, in like class, writing it out in my head. It really formulated when I was stuck in the hospital last week, because I had so much free time!


Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers

"Lillian, can you tell me how a Kneazle's diet changes on the twenty-ninth of February?" Professor Kettleburn asked, though it came out as more of a wheezy cough.

"Professor, my name is Lily."

"Wait… are you not Miss Evans?"

"I am Miss Evans."

"Then I believe your name is Lillian."

'No, it isn't."

"Then what is your name?"


"Lily?" Professor Kettleburn stopped for a second, and seemed to consider this new development. "No. You are Lillian this class."

"But my name is Lily!"

"I don't believe in using nicknames."

"But Lily isn't a nickname!"

Professor Kettleburn looked down his nose at Lily, raising an eyebrow. "I'm sure you will find, Miss Evans, that 'Lily' is in fact a nickname for the name Lillian."

"Yes, but I was never named 'Lillian'! My birth certificate says Lily!"

"Birth certificate? This isn't Muggle Studies, Miss Evans."

"Yes, why don't you go back to your little muggle friends, Mud- er- muggleborn!" Avery sneered, catching himself at the last moment, as Professor Kettleburn turned his head.

"Avery! There is nothing wrong with the muggle world!" Professor Kettleburn reprimanded. "I find their 'dog shows' quite interesting!"

Lily shrunk down, so Professor Kettleburn might forget about her and the conversation they were having about her name.

"Alright, Miss Evans, whatever your first name is, would you please answer my original question?"

Lily stood straight again, at least he dropped the subject of her name. "The Kneazle becomes a carnivore on February twenty-ninth, instead of the usual herbivore."

"Thank you. Wonderful explanation, Lillian."

Lily groaned, and Professor Kettleburn raised an eyebrow. He opened his mouth to comment, but, just as he did, the bell rang, and sighs of relief were heard throughout the class. The weekend was finally here.

Lily slung her bag over her shoulder, and joined Frank, who was waiting for Marlene, as she shoved her nail polish in her bag.

"Damn! It wasn't screwed on fully!"

"Deal with a pink bag," Frank said. "I need to start enjoying my weekend!"

"You don't need to!"

"But I want to."

"Big difference!"

"Guys!" Lily shouted. "Can we go already? I don't want to be stuck behind with Kettleburn!"

"Fine!" Marlene huffed, and hastily stood up with the other two, and the trio began the trek up to the building.

"Oh, yes, name-changing Kettleburn," Frank smirked. "Loved what he did to your name."

"Shut up, Frank," Lily said, shoving Frank's arm, but still reddening.

"That was funny, you can't deny it, Lily," Marlene added.

"Old hag, he is," Lily muttered.

"You know, technically, a hag is a female," Frank pointed out, grinning.

"Technically, shut up!" Lily retorted.

"Frank, you're being too harsh. Besides, he could be a female!" Marlene said, barely being able to say it, for her laughter.

"Wow, Marlene," Frank said, shaking his head ashamedly at his friend.


"Anyway, Lily. Been wanting to ask for a while. Ever since you called me a fish last week after I said you liked mashed potatoes way too much for a normal human being."

"Just get on with the point.'

"Right… Anyway, what's with you and your comebacks?"

"What do you mean?

"Well, usually your retorts are good, and sharp…" Frank said, his voice fading, as if he didn't have the courage to say what came next. "But now…"

"But now, what?"

"But now your retorts are bloody horrible," Marlene finished for Frank.

"Thanks," Lily replied, sarcastically.

"No problem."

"So… any reaction?" Frank asked the blank-faced Lily.

"I well… my comebacks are just as good as ever!"

Marlene and Frank both raised eyebrows at this.

"Fine… so maybe they've been a bit off… But, you try balancing being Head Girl, taking twelve NEWTs, keeping up with homework, and having you guys as friends! It's not like I have free time to practice retorts! I wouldn't do that anyway!"

"Are you insinuating that we're bad friends?'


"Don't worry," Frank said, sniggering at Lily's look of panic.

"But, Lily," Marlene started. "Wouldn't being Head Girl with James Potter keep your comebacks nice and fresh?" Marlene pondered.


"Oh, come on!" Frank exclaimed, exasperatedly. "Lily! You're always fighting with him! Surely that keeps you practicing your comebacks!"

"Well… the funny thing is… we haven't fought in a while…"

"WHAT?" both Marlene and Frank exclaimed.

"Why?" Marlene demanded.

"Well… James hasn't been a prat lately, or asked me out… in fact, neither of those things have happened since last year!"

"Did you just call him James?" Frank asked, a grin slowly spreading across his face.

"Lily! You have a crush on him, don't you?" Marlene gasped.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Fine, but she does," Frank snickered. "Marlene's the Lily-is-in-love-with-James-but-is-in-denial-because-she-thinks-he's-a-bullying-toerag-and-not-worth-her-time-or-affection guru."

"You guys are seriously insane. Me? In love with Potter? Yeah right!"

"Denial," Marlene and Frank said to each other.

The three set down the hall, to the Gryffindor common room, Lily and Marlene debating this, in Lily's terms, controversial, radical, and completely impossible idea, as Frank took a leaf out of Peeve's book, and sang 'Lily luuuuuuurves Potter", just to annoy Lily.


"I can't believe he called her Lillian! Isn't it obvious her name is Lily?" James ranted, as he, Sirius, Remus, and Peter made their way up from the kitchen.

"Prongs! Man! Dude! Boy! Idiot! Whatever you liked to be called!" Sirius yelled, waving a hand in front of James' face.

"WHAT? I'm in the middle of a rant!"

"Another Lily rant…" Remus sighed to Peter.

"Prongsie! Shut up!"

James reluctantly stopped discussing (though it was mainly to himself) how Lily should be revered in all nations, or something like that, but looked bitter.

"Thank you! Peace and quiet! Merlin, I needed that!" Sirius practically sang.

This just made James look even bitterer, as if he was about to bit off Sirius's head.

"Um… guys, the plan?" Peter said, seemingly the only person who remembered why they were having dinner in the kitchens, instead of the Great Hall, with everyone else.

"Right!" Sirius exclaimed, and everyone got, mostly, back on track.

"Moony, how long till dinner?" Sirius asked.

"About five minutes."

"Alright. Now, guys, remember the plan?"

Sirius looked around his friends, to find the innocent victim who he would bug the answer out of. Remus… well Sirius knew Remus knew everything already, so why not give someone else the chance to learn? James… nah… too bitter, he'd probably bit Sirius' head off… Peter? Perfect.

"Wormtail? The plan? What is it?"

Peter straightened up, and saluted Sirius. "Sir, yes, sir!"

"I'm glad somebody remembered the salute I wanted you all to adopt!"

Sirius swore he could hear crickets chirping right then.

"Anyway… Wormtail?"

"We're spending the regular dinner time changing every student's wand with a fake one."

"And who gets which house, and why?"

"You get Slytherin, because you have a special plan for Snape and Avery's wands, Remus gets Ravenclaw because he is the only one smart enough to get in their common room, James gets Gryffindor because he asked for it, and if he didn't get it, he'd probably be able to chop your head off, and I get Hufflepuff."


"Because that's what was left, and you assigned me last."

"Yes! That was perfect, Wormy!"

"I don't see why we have to go over this again, Sirius…" Remus grumbled.

"Because you guys are stupid and would forget if you weren't reminded! Duh!"

Remus glared at Sirius, straight in the eye.


"Thank you."

"Now let's get to switching wands, my little idiot friends!"

There was a swift movement, and some choking sounds, and Remus had Sirius pinned to the wall, by his throat.

"Now, would you like to rephrase that, Padfoot?" Remus asked, gritting his teeth.

For the first time in a while, James spoke, to Peter. "This is why you shouldn't ever get on Moony's bad side right before the full moon…. And I think it's next Wednesday…"

"Oh-kay…you-re… not…an… idiot!" Sirius choked out, and Remus let him fall to the floor, before walking ahead, with James and Peter.

"Jeez, Moony!" Sirius said, rubbing his throat. "PMS, much?"


"So, why again are we heading up to the common room when dinner is in like. Two minutes?" Frank asked, as he, Lily, and Marlene stepped through the portrait hole.

"Because…" Marlene said, holding it out for as long as she could. "We're not going to dinner!"

"WHAT?" Frank yelled. "I'm hungry!"

"Here," Lily consoled. "We can listen to Marlene's idea, no matter how stupid it ends up being"-

"I take offense!"

"Good," said Frank. "That's what you deserve for starving me!"

"I wouldn't be starving you!"

"Anyway," Lily raised her voice. "We listen to the idea, and if it's really stupid, we go to dinner. So what if we're a bit late?"

"Then I'll miss even more food! Sirius will probably have eaten it all!"

"Right..." Marlene drawled.

"Can you get your mind off your stomach for even a minute to listen to me?" Lily cried out.

Frank made a motion to 'zip' his lips.

"That's better. Now, if it's a good idea, we can stay up here, and then go to the kitchens later. Alright?"

"Fine…" Frank grumbled.

"So, Marlene, what were you saying?"

"Well, everyone's down at dinner, right?"

"Like I should be…"

"Shut up, Frank!"


"So, we could stay up here during dinner and get the common room to ourselves! Spend our Friday nights relaxing!"

"Still don't know why we have to miss dinner," Frank muttered.

"Think of it this way," Lily said thoughtfully. "The house elves will make you anything, if you go down to the kitchens. There's only a limited selection at the dinner table."

"Okay. You got me."

Lily smiled with relief, and turned to Marlene. "So, what would we do, anyway? Talk?'

"Nope!" Marlene beamed. "I have a better idea!"

"And it is…?"

"Seven minutes of truth or spin the bottle!"

Lily raised her eyebrow, and Frank stared.

"Also known as 'It'!"

Nothing changed with Lily and Frank, expression-wise.

Finally, Marlene said, "Um… guys, can you say something? Anything?"

"What the bloody hell?" was all Lily could say.

"It's the ultimate sleepover game! A combination of seven minutes in heaven, truth or dare, and spin the bottle!"

Frank straightened, and sighed. "Well… I suppose I'll try it. Just cause I'd be bored otherwise."

"As long as I'm not snogging anyone," Lily agreed.

"Yay!" Marlene bounced over to the couch, and gestured for the others to sit.

"So, how does it work?" Lily inquired.

"See, each person has seven minutes. They can spend those seven minutes truthfully answering all the questions the others can ask them, or they can spin the bottle. The person it lands on gives them a dare they have seven minutes to complete."


"Now, let's start with Frank!"

Frank did a kind of confused nod. "So, I chose, basically, between truth or dare?"

Marlene nodded eagerly.

"Fine… and as I don't really want to dunk my head in a toilet, or something, I suppose I choose truth."

"Oooh! This'll be fun!" Marlene squealed, and she set a timer for seven minutes.

"Alright, let's start with, would you rather wear green for the rest of your life or eat eight spiders?"

Frank stroked his chin, for dramatic effect. "Hm… I'd say green, but that's Slytherin, so I suppose I'd eat the spiders."

"Lily, you want to ask a question?"

"Er… okay? Um… what would you do if you traveled to the future and saw yourself?"

"Strange question… but well, wouldn't my future self die from shock?"

"But your future self would have already time traveled, so he wouldn't be surprised…"

"Right. You know what would be funny?"

"What, Frank?"

"If I got into a fight with my future self!"

"But you have the same opinions, you are the same person," Marlene pointed out.

"Yes, but I mean a physical fight!"

"Why would you do that?" Lily snorted. "Why would your future self fight you if he knew it was you, or him, or whatever?"

"Ah… but he wouldn't know it if I was wearing a disguise, and speaking with a funny accent!"

"Because that solves everything…" Lily rolled her eyes.

"It does!"

"Anyway," Marlene interrupted. "On with the truth part. Who do you have a crush on?"

Frank turned a shade of bright red, to make Lily's hair envious. "Um…"

"It's that Alice girl, isn't it?" Lily smirked.

"That sixth year?" Marlene asked.

Frank looked down and nodded a bit.

"You like a sixth year! How could you?" Marlene demanded.

"What's so bad about that?" Frank asked.

"She's a year younger! You're going out with a younger girl!"

"Sirius does it all the time!"

"Yeah, but Black already dated all the girls his age that aren't in Slytherin and are acceptable! You haven't!"

"Marlene, give it a rest," Lily intervened, before Marlene blew a fuse. "I think it's cute."

"Cute?" Marlene asked disgustedly.

"Yeah, they'd look good together!"

Marlene looked skeptical.

"And think of all the round-faced, clumsy, Herbologist, children with weird names like 'Neville' they'll have together!"

Marlene smiled. "Awww…. That does sound cute. And add on the name 'Longbottom', with all the hidden meanings we all know it has…"

"Shut up! It's an ancient name, that comes from Latin some how!"

"Yes," Marlene said, attempting to keep a straight face. "It came from Longus Bottomus, the clan of Romans whose arses were long and droopy."


The timer went off.

"Oh, great," Marlene groaned. "We only asked you three questions!"

"That's what you get for getting off topic!" Lily reminded her.

"Are you reprimanding me? Well… anyway, I think we should get more time to interrogate Frank!"

"NO!" Frank yelled. "You wasted your seven minutes, and you are NOT making me go through another seven minutes of your questioning!"

"Fine. Lily, it's your turn."

"Since I don't need you asking my crush, I'll pick dare."

"You mean spin the bottle!"

"Fine. I pick 'spin the bottle'."

Lily conjured a bottle, and spun in between the three seventh years. It landed on Marlene.

"This'll be fun…"

Marlene turned around, and pondered for a bit. Finally, she turned back around.

"Alright. Lily I dare you to go into the boys' dormitories."

"Wow… that's so hard."

"And, you have to collect three things." Here Marlene stopped, to add suspense.


"First, a pair of boxers."

Inwardly, Lily grimaced. Ew. But she'd never let Marlene know that. "Secondly?"

"A… razor. Bring back a razor."

Okay, Lily thought. That was fairly easy.

"And the third thing… a… um…"

"A pair of tweezers," Frank cut in.

Both girls stared at him. Was he insane?

"Okay, stop staring at me like that. Every guy in that dormitory has a pair."

The girls continued staring.

"Want me to prove it to you?"

"That won't be necessary," Lily said.

"But, why the bloody hell would they have tweezers?"

"Let's see… I still have a pair from when you gave them to me in third year for Christmas."

"Oh yeah… I was too cheap to buy you anything on your list, and I had already spent most of my money on my gift for me… those were the days…"

"Right… now, James uses his for splinters he gets from Quidditch."

"That's reasonable," Lily commented. The others stared. She thought something James did was reasonable?

"Moving on, Peter uses his to pluck his unibrow every morning."

"He has a unibrow?"

"Hence the reason he uses tweezers… Now, Remus' mum thinks that tweezers are the best thing since the wheel, and has been, since first year, sending him a new pair every two months, on the thought that his tweezers wear out quickly, like hers do, apparently."

"Okay… that's just weird…"

"I know. And Sirius… he uses tweezers to help him individually style each and every hair, because his hands, and I quote, are too damn clumsy sometimes."

"What the bloody hell?"

"That's sad…"

"And, one more thing, for the dare," Marlene clarified. "We will figure out who each item belongs to, and you will have to kiss, or even better, full-out snog, the person whose items you brought down. Well, one of the people whose items you brought down."

"Merlin, I hate you."

"Whatever. Now go!"


"You have seven minutes to go get us boxers, a razor, and a pair of tweezers!"

"This ought to be fun…"


Remus jogged down the hall, and Sirius called, "Finally! Remus! We've been waiting for too long!"

"Padfoot, it's only been like a minute," James pointed out.

"Yeah, and that's way to long in my book!"

"So, Remus, did you get the wands switched successfully?" Peter asked.

"Yep, and you guys?"

The three boys nodded.

"Alright. I say it's safe to head up now."

"Sounds great! I'm tired!" Sirius exclaimed, faking a yawn.

"Are you sure you aren't just saying that so you can go upstairs and check out your new copy of Playwizard?" Remus smirked.

"That's for me to know, and you to find out…" Sirius said in what he figured was a mysterious sounding voice.


Lily slowly opened the door to the boys' dormitories. Lily doubled back in shock. There was only one comprehensible thing floating through her mind at that point, which really was saying something, considering how many thoughts she was thinking. Anyway, all she could understand that she was thinking was; it smells like vinegar...

And, of course, it did smell like vinegar. It also smelled like musky cologne (she could only guess that was Sirius'), Frank's latest Herbology project (i.e.; a lot of stinksap), a strong smell of rust (which she supposed did have a smell when there was a large mass of it, and there was; seeing as there was a large pile of rusting tweezers in the corner, and Lily did not want to have to touch one of those), and the smell of wet… rat? Lily hadn't even concerned herself with the complete mess the room was in, because the smell was so overpowering. So overpowering, in fact, that she ended up tripping, because she wasn't paying much attention to her feet, and landing on a bed.

The bed smelled differently. It smelled of freshly mown grass, and outside, and was quite refreshing, as the rest of the room choked the fresh air out of you… Lily slowly sat up, and realized she had landed on a pair of boxers. Great…

Realizing that she'd have to pick up a pair of boxers anyway, she grabbed the boxers. Then of course, she remembered they might be dirty, and dropped them quickly. Lily spend about thirty seconds calming down her nerves, before picking up the boxers, by the waistband, and touching as little as humanly possible, and lifting them up to right in front of her face. Grimacing, she reluctantly sniffed the boxers, as to tell if they were dirty or not. Oh, it would be so embarrassing if someone walked in right now… especially if these were James' boxers…. Ohh... I hope these aren't James... Did I just call him James? Drat. I DON'T like him! … why am I arguing with myself, again?

The boxers didn't smell that bad, and Lily could detect a faint hint of lavender soap, so she deemed them clean, and stuffed them into her back pocket.

Next, she had to get a razor.

Lily vaulted over the bed, and was about to walk towards the bathroom, where the razors would undoubtedly be, but something moving caught her eye. Lily headed to the nightstand where the motion came from.

As she moved closer, she realized it was a picture, of the four marauders. She smiled, they looked so, dare she say it, innocent in the picture. Like they were never conceited, bullying toerags. Although, Remus wasn't that much of a conceited, bullying toerag…

There was a crumpled up parchment next to the picture, and Lily opened it. The ink had blurred, and the handwriting was messy, so it was hard to make out, but Lily finally did.

Prongs! Earth to Prongs… Why the hell are you paying attention to Binns?

Why shouldn't I be, Padfoot? It is a class!

Yeah, but it's History of Magic!


That's just like a required naptime! No one pays attention!

Just because no one else pays attention doesn't mean I shouldn't!

This is because of Evans, isn't it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You want to impress her, don't you? So, you're taking notes in the one class where no one takes notes, in the hopes that it'll impress her!

No, I'm not!

Yeah, right. Everyone knows you fancy Evans.

Except Lily, apparently…

Well, no need to be bitter about it! C'mon, it's only school! It's a passing fancy, and more than likely, you'll forget about her later on in life.

Lily stopped reading for a second. Forget about her? She'd always dreamt of that happening, but for some reason, reading those words caused her heart to pang.

I could never forget about Lily! I- never mind…

You what? Why couldn't you forget about her?

Look, you'll hate me for this, laugh at me for this, and quite frankly, I don't care, but I love Lily.

Mate, we knew that a LONG time ago!

No, I mean love-love, like serious, marriage-type love.

Whoa… Mate, you can't be serious! We're only in Hogwarts! We're seventeen! You can't have already found love!

Trust me, I have.

But, that's totally impossible! And even if it were, how do you know it's really love? I mean, it could end up being a very strong infatuation later on in life, and you'd be stuck with Evans forever, because of some stupid mistake!

Sirius, I mean it. I've had seven years to think about it. I've known that I love her since third year, and have had all my second thoughts since. Sirius, this is the real deal.

You called me Sirius. You NEVER call me Sirius. I guess… I guess that means I just have to trust you, then… Just, tell me, why her?

Love works in strange ways… and Padfoot, if I didn't really love her, would I have persevered all these years?

I guess not… but if you guys marry or something, and she hurts you somehow (most likely emotional, seeing as you're such a big hulk of whatever people are made of… carbon I suppose…), can I plllleeeeeeeaaasse get to hunt her down and hex her?

There will be no Lily hunting, got that?


Oh, Merlin, no… Not the puppy dog eyes… And, NO.

Fine. Be that way. Oh, also, if you're the one that changes your mind and you hurt her, don't think I won't hunt you down and kill you for hurting my sister-in-law!

But I'd be your brother!

But Evans's the one being hurt. And I'm sure that as the best man at your wedding, and godfather of your children, all three hundred and six I know you plan on having, I think I'll have grown closer to Evans.

Whatever… I need to go back to listening to Binns.


Lily stared at the page. She was feeling a whirlwind of emotions, but as she was running out of time to get the razor and the tweezers, she decided she'd ask Marlene to help her decode and sort out her feelings later. Maybe shed get Frank to help too, seeing as Marlene would somehow connect her every single emotion to wanting to snog (or shag) James senseless. And why did she keep referring to James by his first name?

So, Lily shoved the parchment into her back pocket, along with the boxers, ignoring the soft sounds of the distant sounds of the portrait hole closing, and four pairs of feet traipsing through.


The common room was silent.

Very silent.

Marlene didn't like that.

"So, er, Frank."


"I like your shoes."

"Thank you."

More silence. Well, silence other than the tapping of Marlene's perfectly manicured nails on a side table.

Usually they were talking all the time, but it helped to have Lily to keep the conversations going. Anyway, both parties were busy wondering what the heck Lily was doing.



"I think we should have gone behind Lily, so spy on what she's"-

Marlene stopped talking about how she wanted to spy on Lily's struggles with the strange mystery that is the boys' dormitories and laugh at it (it wouldn't be that hypocritical, because Marlene would have Frank to translate for her the junk and stuff in there), because the portrait hole was opening, carrying along with it voices.

Boys' voices.

Four boys' voices.

The marauders voices.

Oh crap was all Marlene could think.

And apparently Frank was thinking along the same lines. "Shit!"

The curse words even meant the same thing! But, Marlene shook this out of her head. She'd need to think, and think fast.

"So, anyway, as I was saying, before Moony interrupted so rudely," Sirius was saying, as he stepped through the portrait hole. "I replaced Snape's wand with a fake wand that will turn into a shampoo bottle, when he uses it, and the shampoo bottle will follow him around until he uses up all of it's contents!"

"And we all know that'll never happen!" Peter commented, and the four boys erupted into laughter, not bothering to notice the two people sitting on the couches.

"So, you guys do anything good?"

James opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Marlene rushed in front of them, in front of the steps to the boys' dormitories, so they couldn't go up. They just couldn't find Lily up there! Think of the embarrassing situations she might be in!

"Marlene?" Remus said shocked. He looked around, and saw Frank, who was getting up to walk over and join Marlene. "Frank?"

"What are you guys doing here?" James asked.

"We were here all through dinner with Lily. Just talking," Frank replied.

"Where's Lily then? She's not in trouble, is she?" James asked concernedly.

"No! She's just upstairs, getting some things for a game we were going to play," Marlene answered hastily, though it wasn't a complete lie…

"Oh. Well, we better be getting upstairs to our dormitory," Sirius said, looking eagerly past Marlene, up the staircase to the aforementioned dormitory.

"NO!" Marlene yelled out, stretching her arm even further. She couldn't let them up there, not while Lily was! Maybe after a while, they'd just give up and leave, and Frank could go get Lily down safely.

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"Er…." Think, think, think… "Frank was sick up there!"

The marauders looked vaguely disgusted, but still determined to go up. Frank sent Marlene a discreet glare.

"Does he need to go to the hospital wing?" Remus asked.

"No," Frank answered. "Marlene had just dared me to try being bulimic."

James, Remus, and Peter stared weirdly at Frank, and Sirius shook his head. "Bad idea, mate. I tried it, let me tell you; not fun. Try anorexia if you want to lose a few pounds, it's a lot cleaner."

Now everyone was looking weirdly at Sirius.

"Right, well, we can just Vanish the vomit," Remus said reasonably. "We'd like to go upstairs."

"Well you can't!" Marlene cried out.

"Why not…?"

"Because I will stab you with a"-

Marlene waved her wand, but it became a paper cup, not the spoon she had wanted. For some reason, unknown to Marlene, Sirius muttered, "Nice one Prongs."

"I will stab you with a cup!" Marlene shrieked, ignoring the fact her wand wasn't working right.

"A cup?" Peter asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yes! It will be slow and blunt and painful! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I'M EVIL! EVIL, I SAY!"

"Has Marlene gone insane?" James whispered to Frank.

"I have no clue…"

"Right. So as impressive as this show of insanity is, I have a meeting with Olive Hornsby, and don't want to be late!" Sirius exclaimed, and pushed past Marlene up to the dormitories.

"Olive Hornsby?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, she's Sirius' favorite Playwizard witch."


So, the other marauders pushed their way past, and joined Sirius in climbing the stairs to the dormitory.

Frank sighed, wished Lily the best of luck, and guided Marlene to the couch to lie down, before she completely lost her sanity. He, himself, plopped down on the nearby armchair, and buried his forehead in his hand.

"Well, that went well…"


Lily had began walking to the bathroom, when she had fallen, face down on the floor. She had landed in who knew what, and quite honestly; she didn't really want to know what it was. All she knew was that it smelled horrible.

She was just about to get up, when the door to the dormitory creaked open. Lily began to panic, and did what seemed most logical at the moment' roll under the closest bed.

The door opened, and four pairs of feet walked in.

Drat… the marauders…

"So, you know how Moony gets really scary around the full moon?" came Sirius' voice. "No offense Moony. So, I propose we call it PMS! Pre-Moon-Syndrome!"

"Padfoot, you propose that every full moon, it's gotten kind of old," came James' sigh.

"And I refuse to have you refer to my grouchiness as a girl's menstrual cycle in public!" Remus said.

"Aw… Moony dwoesn't like to be embawassed, dwoes he?" Sirius cooed.

"Shut up."

Sirius gasped. "What if Moony was a girl werewolf? And his PMSes both landed on the same time period?"

"Then you'd be twice as dead," Peter chuckled.


Lily was know seriously considering joining a convent after Hogwarts, now. Think of a life without guys…. Probably less stupidity… now THAT'D be nice…

"So, anyway," Peter said, breaking the silence. "What did you do in the Gryffindor tower?"

But, Lily never heard what James did, as she suddenly felt pressure on her leg. She slowly turned her head around, hoping it wasn't some demented, messed-up slime, or something, as it was Sirius' bed she was underneath, after all.

No, it was, er… what was it, exactly? It looked like a grindylow, but it couldn't be! grindylows lived under the sea! Like the Little Mermaid! It had gills, but seemed to be breathing fine without water. But, that didn't really matter to Lily. All that mattered to her right then was that there was a living, breathing grindylow in the boys' dormitories.

And looking hungry.

And baring it's teeth.

Right above her leg.

Lily almost shrieked, but slapped a hand on her mouth, before the boys heard her. She grabbed her wand from her pocket, and pocked the grindylow in the eye with it. Accidentally. She was trying to wave it, but there was little room for movement under that particular bed. So, Lily just decided to kick about the grindylow instead. It was loosening the grindylow's hold, and working pretty well.

Until she shook her leg so hard, the grindylow flew off, and right into James' head.

That was bad.

Things don't just fly out from underneath beds. James or someone would probably glance under the bed, and spot her. Well… this is interesting…

Lily curled up into a ball, hoping that she'd lessen her chance of being seen then. She knew it was a horrible plan that probably wouldn't work, but her heart was beating like crazy, and she doubted she'd be able to think of anything else that'd be better.

"Why did a grindylow just fly out from underneath Sirius' bed and hit me in the head?" James asked, in total shock.

Remus just shook his head, from what Lily could see, and she knew he probably didn't want to know the answer, which made her quite thankful.

Peter just shrugged. "Ask Sirius."

James looked at Sirius.

Sirius was looking at the grindylow, and grinning, which was starting to creep Lily out.

"Grindy! I thought you were dead!"

Sirius pulled the grindylow into a tight hug.

"Grindy? Sirius, what's going on?"

"Well, back in good ol' fourth year, I trained a grindylow to live above water. I named him Grindy, and let him move in! I lost him soon after, and I figured he'd die up here without food… but he's still alive! Yay!"

"I wonder what he's been living on…" Remus pondered aloud.

Lily snorted. She probably would have asked the same question had she been in Remus' shoes. But, now, she, to her dismay, knew that 'Grindy' fed on unfortunate souls who were dared to go into the boys' dormitories… and she had always thought it had been an over exaggeration in her fifth year when the seventh year Dorcas Meadow came down shrieking "I got bitten! I got bitten! Get me to the hospital wing! I might have rabies!". Well, she wouldn't have been surprised (she still wouldn't be surprised) if Sirius had rabies…

"Right, well, it was nice seeing you, Grindy. But, I'm tired of holding you know. Have fun doing whatever, seeing as I'll probably forget about you again," Sirius said to the grindylow, and tossed it behind him. Sirius was never a very good throw. Which would explain why 'Grindy' landed, with a splash, outside the window of the boys' dormitories.

In the lake, Lily inferred. She could only wonder if 'Grindy would even be able to survive under water now…. She'd feel sympathetic, and hate Sirius for being an animal-abuser, if 'Grindy' hadn't tried to eat her leg off. Granted, Sirius leaving 'Grindy' in the boys' dormitories to rot was the reason that 'Grindy' was stuck trying to eat her leg off…

Still 'Grindy' could have eaten James' leg off. That would have been much better, and enjoyable, too! And why did Lily keep referring to Potter as James?

"So, why do you think he flew out from under the bed?" Remus asked, still looking out the window.

Peter shrugged. "Suppose something's under Sirius' bed?"

"Other than the common junk? That might be it…"

Remus made a move towards the bed, but Sirius stopped him.

"Nah, he was just glad to see me!"

Glad to claw your eyes out… Lily amended, in her head.

"Sure…" Remus said, shrugging his shoulders.

Lily let out a sigh of relief. Into the palm of her hand.

Then an idea struck her!

She could use a disillusionment charm on herself! That way no one would see her as she finished the dare!

Lily raised her wand to her head, and tapped it hard. … That was odd… She didn't feel the usual trickle down her neck… she tapped her wand again, still nothing, but her wand felt strangely… flexible?

Lily lowered her wand, and looked at it. It was no longer a wand, but a lily, bearing a note saying: A lily for my Lily.

That was undeniably tacky… Lily sniggered to herself. But, for some reason, it was strangely touching. The handwriting looked familiar, but she couldn't quite place it…

Lily stuffed the lily and the note into her back pocket, along with all the other junk she had so far collected in the boys' dormitories.

"So, I think that was one of our best pranks yet," Sirius said happily. "Switching the school's wands with fake wands…. Ah… the ingeniousity of it…"

"None of which is yours," Remus snickered. " 'Ingeniousity' isn't a word, 'Mr. Genius'."

Sirius ignored this, and began to sing. "S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I am S-M-R-T!"

"The genius can't even spell smart…" Peter muttered, and James and Remus broke out into laughter.

"See? I'm so smart I can make you laugh without saying anything!"


"Now, the genius in residence, being moi," Sirius began. "Wants to go back down to the kitchens and get dessert!"

"But you only had dinner like an hour ago!"


"Fine, but what if you get caught after hours?"

"I'll take the invisibility cloak!"

"NO!" James exclaimed. "I'm not letting you take my cloak by yourself! Not with what happened last time!"

James has an invisibility cloak? That would explain so much! Lily thought. And his bloody name is Potter!

"Fine! Why don't you come? You know you want to…" Sirius persuaded, and finally James caved in.

"Fine. But only because I feel like having blueberries…"

"Whatever… and Remus?"

"What?" Remus replied, distantly, as he began searching for his book.

"I just remember I left that book I was threatening to burn to scare you into doing what I want with down in the kitchens."


"I'll get it for you if you want!"

"NO! I don't trust you!"

"Why does no one trust me today?" Sirius wondered to himself, aloud of course.

As if anyone EVER trusts you, Black… And why am I able to call him Black, but I can't call James Potter? Eurgh…

"So," James said. "Sirius is going for his stomach, I'm going because I don't trust Sirius with my cloak, Remus is going because he doesn't trust Sirius with his book, and are you coming Peter?"

"Sure. I don't want to be stuck here alone. I don't trust what's underneath Sirius' bed."

"Good thought."

"I'll never be able to sleep from now on…" Remus sighed.

The door opened, and four pairs of feet trouped out, closing the door behind them. Lily sighed (out loud!) with relief, and crawled out from underneath the bed.

Just as she was beginning to walk towards the bathroom, the door creaked open again.

"Wait up, guys! I forgot my cloak!"

In walked James Potter, to the boys' dormitories, Lily standing out in the very wide open.

James turned his head around, and there was no time for-

"Lily?" came a James shocked voice, which so fortunately happened to be loud enough, to send the other three marauders banging into the room to see what was going on.

"Damn Lily. Didn't know you wanted to be laid that bad!"

James elbowed Sirius hard in the rib cage.

"Since that's obviously not why you're here," Remus stated, glaring at Sirius. "Why don't you tell us why you are here?"

"And inching towards our bathroom," Peter added, raising an eyebrow.

"Um…." Think, think, think Lily! Boxers, razor, and a pair of tweezers, boxers, razor, and a pair of tweezers, boxers, razor, and a pair of tweezers… "I needed to borrow a razor! Yeah! Mine's dull!"

All of the boys groaned in disgust.

"Thanks for that mental image," Sirius muttered.

"You want to use one of our razors?" Peter asked, dubiously.

"Ew, cooties! On my razor! And that touches my face!" Sirius squealed immaturely.

Even Remus said, "I don't know…"

James looked down, and was blushing. Nice to know the famous Quidditch hero cn be embarrassed.

"Um… you can use mine, Lily."

The blushing was now getting quite dark, for someone who didn't blush (i.e. James).

"Say goodbye to your manhood," Peter said under his breath, Remus and Sirius nodding along, though Remus' nod was more discreet.

"Er, thanks…"

The ultimate truth was Lily wanted nothing to do with James' razor. But seeing as she wasn't going to get any other offers anytime soon, Lily just decided to take the razor and get out of there, and away from the smell of vinegar.

James walked into the bathroom, to get his razor, staring concentrated down at the floor whilst doing so. Lily backed up, slowly, to the wall, hoping it might be possible that she could just melt into it. The others were glaring at her, for supposedly 'stripping James of his manhood'. Did he even have any to begin with? That thought just made Lily blush even more. Damned red-headedness…

Lily was quite thankful when James came back with the razor, still staring at the floor. So know she had two thirds of the dare. The boxers and the razor. She just needed the tweezers. Now, she knew Marlene and Frank wouldn't really care that much if she came down without one of the three things. Especially since the marauders had come in, and complicated her dare. But, an Evans did not back out. Well, at least Lily didn't. When she wanted to… and for some strange reason she wanted to persevere right now…

So, Lily took a second to glance around the room, looking for potential tweezers… there was a pile of rusty tweezers near Remus' bed, a pair in the back corner of the room, on a high shelf, and one lying on the floor, near the door out to the common room. Perfect.

Lily began walking to the door, after thanking Jam-- POTTER for the razor. But, just as she was nearing the door, she spotted a pile of dirty socks (the understatement of the year), perfect for tripping on. Which was exactly what she did.

As she reached the pile of socks, she dramatically fell, flying into the air, and ending up on the ground, sprawled out in a way that she was able to clasp her hand around the pair of tweezers. It was quite a beautiful fall, if you asked her.

"Are you okay?" James gasped concerenedly, forgetting about his obsession with the floor, and rushing to help her up.

"I'm fine," Lily grunted, and blushed, for extra effect (though, the blush might not have been her choice—James was quite close…)

"Oh, that's great. You really had me worried there."

"Er… thanks? But, I really should be going!"

Lily ran out of the room, before her tomato red face gave her away.

I am never going in there again…


"Lily!" Marlene gasped, running over to hug her friend. "You're alive!"

"I know," Lily said, but the fabric of Marlene's sweater muffled it.

"That's good," Frank said. "I was worried you'd be caught sniffing boxers, or something."

Lily tore away from Marlene's strong grasp. "What makes you think I'd be sniffing boxers?"

"Come on, Lily! You know you'd never take a pair of boxers if they weren't clean! So, logically, you'd sniff the boxers, to make sure they were clean!"


"You know it's true," Marlene smirked.

Frank glanced down at his watch, and his jaw dropped in shock. "Lily…"


"You made it back in just a second under seven minutes."

"What? But that was so much longer then the time it took to question you!"

"Yeah, but I charmed the timer to beep early, then."

"Hey!" Marlene exclaimed, hitting Frank over the head.

Frank dodged the hitting, and said, "So, since you completed the dare time-wise, do you want to show us what you brought down, if anything?"

Slowly, Lily unearthed the contents of her back pocket, leaving the parchment and lily there. Now was not the time for those. But, anyway, Lily pulled out the boxers, razor, and pair of tweezers, surprised her back pocket was so roomy.

"You got all of the items?" Marlene asked, amazed. "Wow… and there was the interruption… that's totally wicked!"


"But, now, to complete the dare, we must ask Frank who owns these items!" Marlene cried out dramatically, turning to Frank.

"Why?" Lily asked.

"Don't you remember? You have to kiss one of the owners of these items!"

"Ohh… Lily said, the memory flooding back. She didn't really want to kiss either Frank or a marauder…

Marlene bombarded Frank with the boxers, razor, and a pair of tweezers, and he looked carefully over them, and raised his head slowly.



"Prongs! How could you give her your razor?" Remus demanded, as soon as Lily left the room.

"That's against the laws of nature!" Peter added.

"I think I've lost my appetite…" Sirius muttered. "That's just sick…"

"Guys, just shut up," James said, closing his eyes, and flopping onto his bed.

Remus looked at James and sighed. "You really like Lily, don't you?"

"You'd think…" Peter said. "He gave her his razor! To use on her legs!"

"Ew… mental images…"

"At least she didn't ask us for a tampon," Remus shrugged.


"Thanks I feel so loved," Remus drawled sarcastically.

"GUYS! I don't CARE! It's a stupid razor!"

"Yeah, a stupid razor she's going to use on her legs! Ew!" Sirius squealed in disgust. "And maybe her armpits, too! EEEEEWWWW!" he added as an afterthought.

"Guys, it really doesn't matter to me, so just forget about it," James said.

"No bloody likely," Sirius muttered under his breath. "I am scarred…"

"Prongs is head over heels for Lily…" Peter commented. "I think we should leave him alone."

"So he gave his razor to a girl for love," Sirius sneered. "You just got stripped of your manhood, Prongs," he sighed.

"Maybe I am…" James admitted, and shifted to laying on his side.

That didn't last long, though, as he jumped up, as if the bed was on fire. "My lucky boxers! Where are they! They were here before! And now they're gone!"

"Maybe it had something to do with Lily…" Peter wondered aloud.

"YES! I bet it did!" Sirius exclaimed.

James raised an eyebrow. "Lily hates me! Why on earth would she want my boxers if she hates me?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe she really likes you. Wait… were your lucky boxers clean?"

"Yeah, I had the house elves wash them, and they left them on my bed."

"Knowing Evans," Sirius said, pacing the dormitory. "She would never take dirty boxers. And yours were clean, so she would have taken them… And what's the only way known to man of telling whether boxers are clean, or not?"

"Sniffing them?" offered Remus.

"Exactly! So, Evans was in here earlier, not to borrow your razor, giving me scary mental images, but to sniff your boxers, Prongs!"

"Padfoot, Lily was in here to borrow my razor, that's all."

"You're always going to give Lily the benefit of the doubt, aren't you?" Remus asked, smirking, slightly.

Before James could answer, Sirius jumped in, scowling. "No! She was in here to sniff your boxers! Isn't it obvious?"

"No, actually, it isn't that obvious!" James replied, heatedly.

"See, she must be slowly falling for you, realizing that you're not that bad. And, Evans would obviously doubt that you are worth her attention. So, she would check, by seeing how clean your boxers are."

"And that makes sense to you, how…?"

"Evans places a lot of weight on cleanliness! And the smell of a man's boxers says a lot about him!"

"I don't think I want to know what's going through your head right now…"

"A story about puppy dogs… growing up to be ninja cyborgs who defeat the giant, evil, mutant toasters from Mars! MWA-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!"

"Now I think I know where Marlene gets it from…"


"Lily… these are all James'," Frank said, softly, looking up at her.

Lily stared blankly at him. "So…?"

"So you have to kiss James."

Lily went ballistic. "WHAT? NO!"

"Sorry to be the bearer of bad news…" Frank murmured.

Marlene grasped Lily's arm, and pulled her down from the stance she had jumped up into.

"For some reason, I think that means you're hiding hidden affections for James," she snickered.

Lily hit Marlene's arm, in response.

"Ow… but that's not the point. You just have to kiss him, alright?"

"Still…" Lily's voice faded.

"Lily, we never specified where you had to kiss him. And, besides, you could kiss him, and then say it was just for a dare. And you could add in a slap for getting his hopes up. Or you could just slap him."

"That seems kind of cruel…" Lily muttered.

"Never stopped you before," Frank shrugged.

"Whoa, Lily. Something going on that you failed to tell us about? Something to do with James?"


"Okay, spit it out. Better sooner, than later, when we have used several methods of torture on you. Including Chinese James Potter torture."

"Is that even a real type of torture?"

"It will be when I use it on you."

Lily sighed, and emptied her pocket's contents, placing the Lily, and the note on the table in front of them.

"What are these?" Marlene asked, her eyebrow raised.

"Well, my wand turned into the lily."

"Weird!" Marlene exclaimed. "Our wands transformed too!"

"I heard the marauders talking while I was up there. They switched the whole school's wands with fake ones, that turn into stuff, I suppose…"

"Yeah... Mine turned into a paper cup."

"That you tried to stab the marauders with," Frank sniggered.

"Oh, right… that was fun…."

"Well, Lily, did you hear anything else on the subject?" Frank asked.

"Well… Sirius was talking about what he made some Slytherin's wands change into. And I remember someone asking James what he did in the Gryffindor tower…"

"That's it, then! They split up! James switched the Gryffindor wands, and Sirius switched the Slytherin wands. So Peter and Remus each switched either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff wands…"

"I bet Remus was the one who switched the Ravenclaw wands. He's smart enough get into the common room, unlike the other marauders," Lily snorted.

"Now, so that means that James was the one that switched your wand with the one that would transform into the lily saying A lily for my Lily," Frank said.

"And, so, he really has a thing for you, Lily," Marlene concluded.

"How did you get that?"

"Oh, Merlin! Can't you see? He gave you a break! Everyone else's wands turned into something stupid! I got a paper cup! Frank got a rubber ducky! And we're on good terms with James! One of the annoying sixth years"-

"That Vane girl whose always stalking James," Frank added.

"Right, well she got her wand out, and waved it for some spell or other, and it became a frog, which hopped into her hair, and down her shirt, and she was shrieking for what seemed like hours! No one got anything sweet or sensitive like you did!"

"Okay, so I know I'm lucky to have a Lily, and not what that Vane girl got, but, sweet and sensitive? I don't see that at all!"

"Lily, let's look at that note again. A lily for my Lily."

"It's tacky!"

"Yes, it's tacky, but what do expect from a Quidditch star who has used every other possible line on you already!"

"And face it," Frank pointed out. "For once he isn't trying to woo you with singing house elves stuck in balloons that are filled with helium!"

"Those tried to bite me…" Lily remembered, scowling.

"Lily, you know you like it."

Lily just glanced away, blushing.

"Fine. Don't admit it. But I know it's true. Now, let's look at that parchment."

Marlene grabbed the notes, and read it through, her jaw steadily dropping the whole way through. Frank saw this, and read over her shoulder, his eyes widening.

"Prongs and Padfoot… James and Sirius," Frank muttered.

Lily snorted. "You thought I didn't know that already?

"No… maybe I just wanted to say it…"

Marlene looked Lily in the eye. "You read this?"

Lily nodded.

"So, let me get this straight. You read this, and you still think that Potter's a bit a scum, and you hate him?"

Lily did a sort of half-nod.

"Oh, my, Merlin. Lily! He just admitted he's in love with you! In love enough to pop the question!"

"Yeah, Marlene. But it could be thrill of the chase."

"What? You read that and seriously still think it's thrill of the chase?"

"Come on! He could be in love with the chase! The idea of me! Not me! And, he might get me, and decide, that I'm not really all that!"

"Lily, no, James really"-

"You say that's true! But it might not be!" Lily exclaimed, jumping up, almost in hysterics now. "He could have just set that up, and left it there, so I'd read it, and decide he was madly in love with me, so I was too! Thrill of the chase!"

"Lily, he had no idea you were going to be up there, let alone see it!" Marlene shouted.

Lily dropped to the floor, and let her neck collapse, her head lying on the armchair behind her, keeping her eyes shut tightly.

"Lily…" Frank said in a soothing voice. "I think that Marlene might be right.'

Lily made and noise of protest, but Frank stopped her.

"Might. Lily, I think your insecurities are getting in the way. Just think about it."

Lily sighed. They would never stop hounding her about James now…

"Lils…. He's not that bad. You said yourself that you weren't fighting with him this year can he be all that bad?"

"Yes!" Lily cracked. "You didn't live through having him pester you every second with endless sexual innuendos, and asking you out! You didn't live through him bullying your best friend!"

"But I've never been"-

"Snape, Marlene," Frank said through gritted teeth.

"I've lived through years of torture because of James bloody Potter!" Lily ended, seething.

"Lily…. I know he caused you lots of strife, but can't you give a person a second chance? You always do…" Marlene trailed off.

"Yeah, like Snape. And Marlene when she was being a blonde bimbo in first year," Frank smirked.

Lily smiled. "Oh yeah…"

"Hey! I'm not a blonde bimbo! I'm brunette!" Marlene protested, causing Lily and Frank to burst out in laughter.

"Okay, guys. I will try and accept James," Lily agreed. "I suppose it's important as we're Heads together. I'll make a truce, and maybe we'll b good acquaintances. But I can't promise romance. Okay?"

"Fine," Marlene sighed dramatically. "I suppose that's the best I'll be able to get out of them."

"Well, even so, that acquaintance thing sounds good. They wont be yelling at each other!" Frank added, smirking slightly.

"Maybe they'll even be friends!" Marlene gasped, and Frank gasped too, which ended them up in a heap, laughing their heads off.

"Shut up…" Lily muttered, scowling good-naturedly.

'We can't help it, Lily! This is too good to be true!" Frank said, getting up.

"Then maybe I shouldn't do it," Lily replied, a smile playing on her lips.

"NO!" was the immediate response from both of them.

"Thought so… so stop with the mocking."

"We'll try, Lily," Marlene said.

"No results guaranteed," Frank finished for her.

"Dear Merlin… what have I gotten myself into?" Lily pondered aloud.

Frank and Marlene just grinned as innocently as possible. Which didn't look that innocent.

"Right… well, I think I'll go to the library to finish up that History of Magic Essay. I hope you can manage without me," Lily added, eying her friends' current states on the floor.

"Don't forget to kiss Potter!" Marlene called after her.


Peter was thinking about chefs. Chef training, in particular.

As an eleven year old, the summer before he had come to Hogwarts for the first time, Peter had been presented with a choice. He was a half-blood. So, he had been given a choice. Either follow in his father's footsteps as a chef, and go to the most prestigious cooking school in Europe, or follow his mother's footsteps as a witch (well, Peter would be a wizard), and go to the most prestigious magic school in Europe.

Guess what he chose?

The prestigious magic school.

He had chosen it, so he could come home and jinx the neighbor's cat, who liked to use his leg as a scratching post. As you can imagine, that isn't very fun.

So, because of that decision seven years ago, Peter was now stuck where he was right now.

In the boys' dormitories.

With Sirius.

Who had found that neither James or Remus wanted to talk to him.

Leaving Peter as the last, and only, option.


"So, my whole name comes from Greek mythology, well, the Greek constellations, anyway. Did you know that?"

Peter shook his head, knowing he'd have to do something, if he didn't want Sirius shaking him and yelling for Madam Pomfrey because Peter was dead.


"Right, so, Sirius Orion Black. Sirius is the dog star, isn't that cool? Because my animagus is a dog, and it's the Dog Star?"

Sirius burst out laughing at the 'joke' that no one else found funny. It was a while (a while that Peter cherished), before Sirius began talking again.

"Now, Orion is the constellation of the goddess Artemis' lover. And women love me! It makes so much sense! I swear, my name is the only thing my parents did that makes sense…. And, Black. Well, that has no connotation to the Greeks at all. But my hair is black! And luscious! And beautiful! And"-

"So, that's nice, Sirius, why don't you go and eat an orange or something?" Peter asked nervously. He knew it wasn't a very good question, but he couldn't think of anything else! And he'd rather have to ask that stupid question than learn all the synonyms that describe Sirius' hair.

"Oranges! The confuse me!"

"What?" Peter asked, bewildered.

"Why do they call an orange an orange, but they don't call a banana a yellow? Or an apple a red? Or a lime a green? Or blueberries blues? Or a grape a purple? Fruit is so confusing!"

Peter rolled his eyes, and sunk further down into his beds, trying to melt into it, and escape the agony that is Sirius.

"And what's more, is why is it that poodles, sheep, and humans are the only animals slash beings that get haircuts? Why is the world so confusing, Wormtail?"

Peter thanked the gods, Merlin, Dumbledore, Lily's anger, and all the other supernatural or just really powerful forces that Remus finally said, "Good Merlin! Will someone shut that idiot up?"

"Never! Never!" Sirius replied, and escaped into his 'fort' bombarding Remus with pillows.

"Prongs…" Remus groaned. "I think you letting Lily borrow your razor made Sirius go insane."

James stared at Remus.

"You want me to explain, don't you?"

James nodded.

"Well… the mental image you created in his mind was so horrible, that to forget it, Sirius went through a type of regression."


"To return to a former or less developed state."

"Ohh… and I caused that, because I gave Lily my razor?"

Remus nodded.

"Okay. You guys are officially insane."

"What?" Peter asked.

"Come on! It's a razor! So what if I let Lily borrow it!"

This seemed to snap Sirius out of his reverie. "Prongs! She's using the razor you use on your face on her legs!"

"So…? Are you guys like afraid of cooties or something? We're not five, you know!"

After saying this, Peter, Sirius, and Remus all refused to maintain eye contact with James, preferring to look at the ground.

"Seriously, you guys are messed up…" James muttered.

"Prongs! Other than giving you cooties, she's sapping you of your manhood!"


"You're supposed to resist giving her your razor! You're doing what Evans wants you to do! You're getting whipped!"

James raised an eyebrow at Sirius. "I highly doubt that I can get 'whipped' if we're not even dating."

"But you are! You can't deny it!"

"I can, and I will."

"Prongs…" Sirius whined.

"I'm escaping this insanity. Moony, you want me to go get your book for you?"

"What book?"

"You know, the one that Sirius was using to threaten you with, and left down there?"


Sirius looked nervous, as he backed up into a dark corner. "I don't think I appreciate you reminding Moony, Prongs…."

"YOU ARE DEAD, BLACK!" Remus shouted, stalking after Sirius into the dark corner, and handling his heaviest book, War and Peace.

"Right, I'll take that as a yes…" James muttered, shutting the door to the dormitories behind him.


Lily was finding it very hard to concentrate on the Troll Hunts of 1839. For some reason, James kept popping up in her mind. Maybe cause he's a troll… she joked to herself. But she knew it wasn't true…

Lily sighed, knowing she wouldn't be able to finish the homework, even if she wanted to. She slammed the book she had open closed, earning herself one of Madam Pince's famous glares, and placed the book back on the shelf.

Lily grabbed the lily that her 'wand' had been, and walked out of the library. She knew that se should probably have dropped the flower out of the window and be done with it, but she couldn't. She liked the flower, it had this weird sense of calmness on her.

As Lily was twirling the flower in her fingers, she gazed at it's petals, not looking ahead, just thinking. So, it wasn't a surprise when she bumped into someone, and ended up on the floor with the person.

"I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention!"

"No problem, a rich voice replied, and Lily looked up, seeing it was James. She was so dazed by this fact, that when James offered her a hand up, she took it.

"So…" James said. "When am I going to get my razor back?"

"Oh! It's upstairs, in the tower. I can return it soon."


"Do you need it immediately? If you do, I could go get it now"-

"No, I'm fine, it doesn't have to be now. It's just, the guys are going crazy over the fact I gave you my razor."


"Yeah… it gives them scary mental images to think of you using my razor on your legs. They also seem to think you're sapping up my manliness…"

Lily laughed. "Well, I'm sorry that I'm sapping up your manliness."

"Eh… I'm okay with it. I don't have to be afraid of my manliness going away, unlike my friends…"

"Then maybe they don't have that much manliness, so have to protect the manliness they do have?" Lily suggested, smirking.

"I'll have to tell them that…"

"And you know, it's a sort of muggle saying, that manly men wear pink…"

"Hm… I'll have to wear pink tomorrow. I just hope Sirius doesn't Avada Kedavra me because of it…"

Lily smiled. "Oh, and let's put a flower in your buttonhole. See what he'll think then."

Lily held up her lily, and was pleased to notice that James' eyes widened at the sight of it. She put it in the buttonhole of his shirt.

James got over the flower, and said, "Well, I may be kicked out of the boys' dormitories permanently, but it'll be worth it, to see the look on Sirius' face…"

Lily smiled. "And maybe then your manliness levels will be so low that you can walk up the stairs to the girls' dormitories and sleep there."

"We'll see," James said, smiling. "But, if you excuse me, I have to go get something for Remus."

Lily watched James' receding back, until she could see it no more. So, maybe James had been horrible in prior years, but she would just have to see if he had really changed for herself. And this conversation convinced her of that.

"I have to talk to Frank," she muttered to herself. "Because I am not going in the boys' dormitories again."


"Hey! Moony! I got your book!" James called into the dormitory, as he opened the book.

When no one replied, James looked around, and saw no one was there. He shrugged, figuring they had gone to the kitchens for dessert. James just hoped that they didn't take his invisibility cloak.

He dropped the book on Remus' bed, and walked over to his own. There he was about to flop down on the bed, but caught a shade of red. In order to look closer, James turned on the lights. There, on his bed, was a pot. A clay, ceramic pot. Someone was definitely going insane.

James lifted up a pot, and out fell two things. First, a note that read A pot for my Potter, making him chuckle. And, secondly, his razor.

The razor Lily had borrowed.

He needed to speak to Lily.


Lily was waiting by the stairs to the boys' dormitories. Shed have to do this sooner or later, and, quite honestly, she wasn't the procrastinator that Marlene was…

Finally, after waiting several minutes that seemed to want to just drag along, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

Lily jumped up, smoothing down her skirt, and stood nervously, awaiting James.

It may have only been ten seconds, but they were the slowest ten seconds of her life.

At long last, Lily was face to face with James.

"Lily," he breathed softly.

"You saw it?" Lily asked timidly.

"Yeah… but, what? Why? It's'-

"Here, I hope you can figure something out from these," said Lily, with a bit more courage, holding out the note that came with the lily and the parchment she had found in the boys' dormitories.

James smiled at the note that came with the lily, but when he looked at the parchment, his eyes widened, soon bulging, and he looked up with a look of panic.

"Lily… it is true… but how'd you find it?"

Lily blushed. "I'd rather not say. But I've been thinking about them. About you."

James gulped. "Lily, I"-

"Shut up, and listen," Lily said, smiling. "I don't feel like going into the details, so, I'll just do this."


James was once again cut off, this time because Lily pulled him down by the tie, and kissed him. On the mouth.

When she broke away, James went practically ballistic. "Lily, what was that for"-

"Can't you just listen?" Lily smirked.

James immediately zipped his lips.

"That was for a dare, so answer your question."

James looked downhearted.

"And this is because I want to."

Once again, Lily pulled him down by the tie and kissed him. Lily swore she could hear Frank and Marlene cheering in the background. She had to admit, James was a pretty good kisser. That might explain why she was currently classifying this as the best kiss of her life. Albeit, she had little experience in kissing…

But there was one thing left to do.

Lily separated her mouth from James, and looked him in the eye.

"Potter, do you want to go out with me?"

Why was it now she could refer to him as Potter?


AN: I'll let you decide what James says. Nah…. I'll just tell you he says yes and they end up as a very happy couple, with a kid named Harry James Potter who becomes the boy who lived and they die….yada, yada, yada…. So, this is a record oneshot. Forty-eight pages on word, about eleven thousand words (which makes it longer than the whole of my first story, Sirius Black's Notebook), and it took me a whole four days to type up! I usually take and hour to two to type up oneshots! I knew the basic plot, up until the point where Lily leaves the boys' dormitories (I'm SICK of typing that phrase!), so I don't think the rest is that great… but please don't flame me because it's bad! Constructive criticism is better! And I'd love to know your favorite lines! Review!