Losing One's Hope
Summary: Jasper feels awful about almost attacking Bella on her birthday. He starts to think that the Cullens are better off without him. Alice sees this in her visions, and that's where she starts to lose all hope. PreEclipse
Chapter 1: But If Not Me, Then Who?
I quietly knocked on the door, and slowly peeked my head in. "May I come in?" I asked the statuesque being that was sprawled on the bed.
He glanced in my direction and nodded before turning his attention back to the window.
I swiftly closed the door, and gracefully ambled towards the bed. "What are you thinking about?" I tried to keep my voice light, but the depression he was sending made it harder than it should have been.
I lay on the bed next to him, and closed my eyes. These were the moments that I wished I could sleep, allowing the dreams to carry me away from my troubles, but I shouldn't be the one wishing for this; I'm the only one in my family that has the closest ability to dreaming.
I felt him turn his entire body around, so that he could face me. "Forks." He simply answered. I could feel his eyes on me, watching every move I made.
I fluttered my eyes open, and bit my lip anxiously. "You're thinking about that night again, aren't you?" I tried my very best to show even the smallest smile, but he made it impossible.
"I always do, Alice." He muttered darkly. Even though I couldn't read minds like my currently-missing brother, I knew he was picturing that night in his head again.
I tried so many times already. I tried my very best to convince him that it wasn't his fault; that he shouldn't blame himself for everything that's happening. It's not his fault we had to move. It's not his fault Edward decided that it was too risky and left Bella alone and stupid. It's not his fault Edward is now currently missing. No, it's just not.
"Are you blaming yourself?" I met his eyes; I stared at him with a determined look.
He chuckled dryly; his lips were slightly curved upward. "I am to blame, Alice, no matter what you tell me."
I quickly sat up, and glared at him. "Do you have to be so difficult?"
He took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before turning his body around, as he continued to gaze at the window.
I returned to my position on the bed, drowning in my own thoughts. He'd been like this for a couple of months, since we left Forks. He'd being awfully stubborn, if you asked me. He'd been getting on everybody's nerves, with the constant waves of depression and guilt.
Today, Rosalie wanted to give Jasper a piece of her mind. I tried to explain it to her. And when I say explain, I mean, we yelled at each other until she finally realized I had already foreseen this battle, and that I would win.
I closed my eyes, and quietly pictured what happened on Bella's birthday.
"Jasper." I grabbed both of his hands, and held them tight. "Please calm down."
Emmett and Rosalie had just left to go check on the others inside, leaving Jasper and I alone.
"Let go of me, Alice." He growled; his voice was menacing, but I ignored it. His eyes were black, but there were a couple of streaks of brown on the side. He must've been trying so hard, it pained me so much. I should have seen this coming; I should have prevented him from losing control. He had been doing so well.
I looked up, and gave him the most determined yet angry look I could muster. I let out a snarl, and tightened my grip on his arms. My nails were digging in his skin, but I didn't care. All I cared about was his and everybody else's safety. "No."
Even with vampire vision, and my special ability, I didn't see this coming. I heard a low, loud growl and a rough push on my shoulder. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground and Rosalie was next to me. I sat there; my mouth was wide open with shock. Emmett was pinning him on a nearby tree, growls were erupting from both men.
"Are you alright, Alice?"
Rosalie caught my attention and I glanced at her. She was holding my elbow up with one hand, so that I was sitting instead of lying on the ground, and the other hand was wrapped on my shoulders protectively. "I'm fine." I finally felt fear creep up to me, when the reality had hit me. "Don't let Emmett hurt my husband." I whispered.
"Alice!" Jasper growled; his thrashing was becoming more and more violent. "Alice!" Emmett quickly glanced at me, to make sure I was alright.
I carefully stood up, removing myself from Rosalie's hold. "I better go check on Bella." I heard a loud, frustrated growl before I left.
I remembered the panic I felt when I learned that Emmett had let Jasper hunt by himself. I was deathly afraid for any human's safety and Jasper's, too, but Emmett had reassured me that before he had let Jasper go, he had control over himself.
"Where's Jasper?" I asked Emmett, when he finally entered the house.
He wiped off invisible sweat, and sat on the couch. "He went hunting."
"What?!" I shrieked, immediately running in front of him. "What do you mean he went hunting?" I was glad that Emmett had been sitting down, so that I would be towering over him this time. Without Jasper here to calm me down, my emotions were amiss.
"That's what we vampires do whenever we feel thirsty, and in this case, when we almost attack humans." He said slowly, as if I didn't know that.
I scowled at him, "I know what vampires do when they're thirsty, Emmett." I gritted my teeth, trying to be patient. "When we are thirsty, we feed on blood." I paused; my fists were curled up like balls. "And humans have blood!" I shrieked the last part, gaining the attention of my family with the exception of Bella and Edward. They quickly ran towards us, concern was evident in their faces.
"What's going on here?" Esme immediately asked. Rosalie swiftly walked towards the back of the couch, so that Emmett was in front of her. I watched her lift her hand carefully, and smacked Emmett on the head.
"What did you do this time?" Rosalie hissed, her eyes were glaring at him.
Emmett rubbed the top of his head, and looked up. "Nothing! Honestly!"
"He let Jasper out to hunt! Alone!" I shrieked, pacing back and forth. "What if he accidentally passes a human? I should've come with him!" I turned to Emmett, "You shouldn't have let him hunt alone!" I panicked.
"Have some faith in him, Alice!" Emmett yelled, "I would've never let him hunt if he wasn't in control of himself. He was in control, his eyes weren't black. They were topaz, just like ours. He just needed fresh air and maybe blood."
"I do have faith. I do." I sat on the couch next to him. "I'm just too worried about him. I'm his wife. I should've been able to ease the pain for him. But I couldn't do anything before! I couldn't help him. He was suffering, and I couldn't help." I buried my face in my hands, frustrated with myself.
"We couldn't do anything to stop what had happened, Alice. You shouldn't blame yourself." I heard Carlisle's fatherly voice say.
"I just need him back, safe and alive." I felt Emmett's heavy arm on my shoulder, patting my back.
"Jasper?" I suddenly called out, but I didn't bother to look at him.
He turned his head around, and had this questioning look on his face. "What is it, Alice?"
"Sometimes, I hold myself responsible for what happened." I admitted, "If I had just seen the event coming, I would've – "
Jasper suddenly was out of bed and on the other side, kneeling next to me. I turned around, so my body was facing him. "Don't you dare blame yourself for what happened, Alice." He snatched my hand, and held it to his stone cheek. "Please don't blame it on yourself. If there's someone to blame, it's me. But never, ever think that it was your fault. You don't need to deal with the misery."
"But if not me, then who?" I quietly asked.
He also quietly replied, "Me."
I stroked his granite cheek, "It's not okay for me to deal with the burden, but it's okay if you blame yourself?" I asked, "Every single day, you would brood and I would watch you, unable to help. Do you think that doesn't bother me? It does. It hurts to know I can't help, that I can't ease the pain that you feel."
He gaped at me for awhile, as if what I told him was something he didn't understand nor see before. He gripped my hand, and kissed the back of it. Before standing up, and kissing the top of my head as well. "I'm sorry I make you feel that way. I don't mean to." He sat on the edge of our bed; he suddenly found the cream carpet interesting as he continued to stare downwards.
"I love you Jazz, but you're putting up walls that I can't penetrate. I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't know what goes through your mind anymore. Heck, this is the longest conversation we've had in months." I sighed, grabbing a pillow; hugging it tightly. "I miss your smile, your laugh, and your corny – but entertaining jokes. The emotions you give off, it's hard to smile. It's too overwhelming. Even Emmett doesn't crack jokes anymore."
"Everybody's emotions are haywire. Rose misses Forks, though she won't admit it. Emmett misses Bella, and the coffee table that she always trips on whenever she would pass it. He actually misses the animals in Forks, instead of the bears here. Esme is always cleaning, trying to keep herself busy, but the anxiety she feels is eating away at me. And Carlisle is worried about everyone; his emotions are different every day. Sometimes he feels sad, most of the time he's worried, and at rare times: angry." He glanced at me, his body stiff. "And you, the way you feel, it drives me crazy. You're always sad, and worried. Your emotions stand out the most. It's intense."
"I'm worried, about you." I whispered, it was barely heard. But I knew he heard it.
He shook his head, as he stood up and walked near the door. "You don't need to worry about me," He paused for a moment; it looked like he hesitated before talking again. "I'm not going anywhere." He looked me straight in the eye, before leaving the room.
I tugged on the sheets, and closed my eyes. That was the longest conversation I had with him a while. He actually smiled, even if it was just once.
I felt myself being taken away, my vision was blurring, as new images came to my mind.
"What's all of this, Jasper?" I watched Carlisle speak, as he rose from his chair.
Jasper also rose from the couch, and closely eyed everyone. I watched as his eyes stopped, and stared at me. "I wanted to tell something to all of you."
"Is something wrong, Jasper?" Esme asked, her voice sounded worried.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately," I watched myself sit silently; my future me refused to meet his eyes. "I've decided that I've done enough damage to this family, as it is."
Rosalie's head suddenly shot up, "What do you mean?"
"You guys deserve better. You're better off without me." He never left his eyes off of the future me. "I'm forever grateful that you have accepted me with open arms. I believe that since I've caused only chaos to this family, I should have the decency to realize that the Cullen family is better off with seven members instead of eight."
"Instead of eight?" Emmett wondered, his eyes were darting towards Jasper and the future me that was still statuesque on the couch, staring at the floor.
"Once I'm gone, Edward will come home and you guys can come back to Forks." He attempted to smile, but miserably failed. "Bella will be part of the family again."
"Absolutely not!" Rosalie's high pitched voice rang throughout the house. "Carlisle! Esme!" Rosalie turned to them, "You can't possibly allow him to just waltz out like this."
He finally tore his gaze away from me, and stared at Rosalie. But before he could even talk, I watched the future me lift her head and lock eyes with Jasper. "He's finally made his decision, Rose. No one can change it." My voice sounded defeated; as if I accepted the truth.
I gasped, my vision finally ending. I felt all the remaining positive thoughts in my head go down the drain. He was going to leave us. He was going to leave me alone. Did he not know that I loved him with every fiber of my lifeless body? Did he also not know that every single time that we would make love, I felt like my heart would suddenly restart again because of him?
There was no exact time or date. I haven't had the slightest idea when that would happen. But I'm guessing soon.
Did he not remember our wedding vows? It was for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part. Technically, we were already dead when we made the vows, but still, I felt so betrayed, so alone.
I've never felt like this before. I felt fear creep onto me; the thought of a life without Jasper was terrifying. I would rather die a gruesome death, than live my eternal life without Jasper.
I'm not going anywhere.
His words rang loudly in my head.
I'm not going anywhere.
He lied to me.
You don't need to worry about me,
Every inch of faith I tried to keep, started to fade away.
I'm not going anywhere.
As well as the hope I've been gathering. It was all leaving, floating away. Just like Jasper.
A/N: Review, okay? Even if you hate it, though I do wish you didn't hate it. ) Thanks to my beta, Spam Hearts Jasper, by the way.