Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.
So this is it! The end has come! It took me forever to write this but I'm fairly happy with how it turned out. Please let me know what you think and any suggestions for future stories you might like to see (I'm always up for a challenge!)
Puresimplicity-xo: Willie was the eccentric notary that married Ben and Lea in a previous chapter :)
Just a warning: For some annoying reason when I saved this version half of it transformed into italics, I have no idea how to fix it!
Blair hated to think it, but planning glorious revenge wasn't as thrilling as it used to be. It would still go out with a bang as always (pun intended) and would be just as glorious but felt less satisfying. Planning to ruin her enemies used to be akin to waiting for Santa on Christmas eve, you almost didn't want it to be over because the anticipation was as sweet as the actual event.
Not this time.
Sure it was amusing to watch Chuck sit in a deck chair with the grin of a kid in a candy store as he pondered over all and every way of humiliating and destroying Kelly. He was even humming to himself as he reclined back to bathe in the sun. Blair had been into it in the beginning but the more they discussed it the more depressed it made her feel.
Depressed that she couldn't escape the various necessities of her normality. Cunning and strategy were her way of life in the big city but even she wanted a change sometimes. Just one week to be someone she might have been if she hadn't grown up with everything. A week to try and be nice to people (even if she'd learnt from the Josh experience) and a week to just unwind. Instead she kept meeting assholes and always seemed to be surrounded by backstabbing wannabes everywhere she went.
Money could make people crazy. It usually brought out the worst in people who hadn't known it all their lives. It meant anyone marrying in to wealth were usually smart, a little evil and deceptively beautiful. They weren't people, they were the projection of whatever everyone wanted them to be and it was draining to socialise with them. Serena was the only decent friend she had! Lea could probably count now too.
It wasn't that she didn't want Kelly to pay it was just a sad reflection of her life that she had to go to such lengths.
"Earth to Blair?"
Blair snapped out of her melancholy reverie when she realised Chuck was staring at her impatiently.
"Oh sorry what?"
"I asked what you came up with."
"Patience is a virtue darling, sabotage is an art form it can't be rushed."
"Which means you have fuck all. I'm thinking whatever we come up with, shaving off that fake hair of hers should be included. I've always wanted to shave someone's head."
"That's nice dear."
She patted his head patronisingly from her own chair but it was a bit of a reach and ended up being rather awkward and slightly painful.
"Are you finished?"
She retracted her arm quickly.
"At least I've got the cogs in motion, you're just staring into space looking a little retarded. Is that drool I see?"
He moved his hand towards her face, a patronising smirk on his own features.
"Quit it Bass."
She swiped his hand away and huffed.
"Doesn't it annoy you?"
She knew it was a vague question but she wasn't sure whether she wanted to admit her wavering or not.
"Teasing you? Never. It's the highlight of my life, I couldn't have married someone I couldn't ridicule."
His grin made her smile slightly.
"I was thinking the exact same thing. I couldn't have committed to a sensible man with taste it would have shown me up. You are perfect for me Chuckles."
Chuck stared at the sky with a pretend look of pleading on his face.
"These are the moments I'll cherish when we're old and look back on on my death bed cupcake."
Blair cracked up laughing. She didn't care so much about the drawbacks of her lifestyle anymore because Chuck could always make her forget them, even without meaning to. She might have been an emotional wreck going through life without someone to distract her with petty squabbling.
"Chuck we all know you wont make it to a deathbed, one of your business associates will poison your coffee long before then."
"Thanks for reminding me. Anyway you've had long enough, divulge your devious plan."
Blair smiled widely, she had actually come up with something! Once her heavy mood had passed she found her inspiration.
The next day
The next day
There was a slight pause on the phone.
"This isn't Blair is it?"
"You don't recognise my voice after all these years? I'm wounded."
"I just didn't expect you to love me enough to call me on your honeymoon."
"Me neither but-"
There was a sharp gasp at the other end of the line.
"Are you okay? What did Chuck do? Did he cheat on you? If that prick did anything-"
"-S have a little faith and let me finish okay?"
She appreciated her friend's protectiveness but Chuck would never get the benefit of the doubt with her. Some things just couldn't be changed and Chuck wasn't saintly enough to encourage them too.
"Okay but if you're going to tell me you're pregnant at least warn me to sit down and put down my coffee cup."
"You'd hear hysterical crying if that were the case, coming from Chuck. I just need to fax you over some documents tomorrow and when you get them can you not look at them but put them in an envelope and keep them somewhere safe and hidden until I get back? I don't trust anyone else to do it."
"What's happened? You know I suck at the cloak and dagger stuff."
That was true, Serena was so annoyingly good-hearted that when the jealous bitches of their social world planned to bring her down, Blair had to be the one to put them in their place. In fact, Serena's life would be a lot more hassle if Blair wasn't pulling out threats and strategies behind the scenes to keep opportunists from hurting her. Serena of course knew none of this (at least that relating to her) because that's the kind of friend Blair was.
"Nothing serious just please do it? Keep it secret okay? I wont be able to rest peacefully on my honeymoon if you don't."
Serena sighed, she wished she wasn't so used to blindly involving herself in Blair's 'projects' but what was a best friend to do? She trusted Blair so the answer would always be yes.
"I don't have much of a choice. Fax it over around four, no one will be home then."
"Did I mention how I adore you?"
"Did I mention you're a pain in the ass? I miss you."
"I miss you too. Although not that much, it is my honeymoon."
They both giggled.
"Text me when you lovebirds are back."
"Will do, ciao."
Chuck came out of the bathroom after a quick shave. Blair hated kissing him with stubble.
"Did she agree?"
"Of course she did."
"I doubt she would if she knew how illegal it all was. If Dan finds it we are screwed."
"There's always an element of risk, it's what makes it so exciting."
Chuck grinned as he flung himself down on the bed.
"Fuck yeah baby, I'm almost glad Kelly turned out to be a backstabbing whore. It was worth it just to give us this opportunity."
"I don't quite see your logic but whatever."
Chuck ran a hand up her leg to massage her thigh.
"Let's give our brains a rest for a while shall we? We can work out other parts of our bodies instead."
He wiggled his eyebrows up and down comically to make Blair laugh. It worked, as always.
"It is only fair hubby."
Chuck hummed into the side of her neck which always made her squeal, it tickled in a way that sent electric shocks up her spine.
They had their hands in each other's pants and were just working up a harminous rhythm when Blair detached and wiggled out from under him.
"What? I have a condom."
"For fuck sakes what? You can't just get me this aroused and then jump ship, it's not good manners."
"What if there are more cameras in here? I've learnt my lesson once. What about a bug? They could be listening to everything and our plan will be shot to hell."
Chuck burst out laughing.
"What's so fucking funny?"
Chuck sat up and tried to smooth his dishevelled clothing, a flushed Blair was standing with her hands on her hips glaring down at him. She didn't realise how much of an aphrodisiac that was. Her eyebrows raised impatiently when Chuck just kept giving her the sex-eyes. They melted her will power so she tried to move further back but Chuck outstretched his legs either side of her and bent them inwards trapping her and pushing her forward into the bed. It was so fast that she tipped forward on to him and bed.
"Don't be all distracty!"
Chuck knew not to roar with laughter again, she'd just her panties even more twisted and he prefered her without them at all. He couldn't help one dig though.
"Distracty? Are you making up new words to work as code against our CIA enemies?"
"Be quiet or you can sort out your own boner."
She smiled dangerously and squeezed it, hard. She always felt physical threats were much more persuasive.
"Okay okay I'm just saying you shouldn't be so paranoid. Kelly isn't a spy, besides that kind of stuff costs more than she could afford. She went with a well placed video camera, it's hardly genius. She had the element of surprise, that's all."
"Now as much as your teasing is a turn on, you better be putting out in the next few seconds."
Blair rolled her eyes as he pulled down her underwear under her skirt.
"Aren't we the charmer?"
Chuck grinned so cheekily that Blair was almost forced to eat her words.
Blair raptly tensely on Kelly's hotel door.
"Oh hi Blair! Hows things?"
Josh was beaming at her in his ratty bathroom. Did he have selective memory or something? The last time she saw him she had had a face of thunder and now he was acting like she hadn't been in the mood to rip out his non-existence spine. He was officially an idiot.
"Fine. Where's Kelly?"
"Just finishing in the shower. She said you might be coming around, it's so nice you guys are getting on. After the last time we saw you- well anyway I'm glad the bad blood has passed.
If only there was going to be bloodshed, but that was too easy.
"Are you just going to entertain me in your bathrobe? Why don't you get some clothes on and I'll wait outside for your wife."
She plastered a polite smile on despite almost forcing every syllable out through gritted teeth. Josh was an easy mark, she could save her true acting skills for his 'better' half.
"Silly me! Kelly does say appearance is everything."
"I bet she does."
"Be back in a tick."
Blair spent a good five minutes tracing the patterns on the carpet with her heel. How dare she make her wait! Finally the wicked witch appeared confidently in the doorway.
"Good morning Blair. I trust you've come to a decision? Where's your lovely husband?"
"Out of your claws thankfully. He doesn't know about this deal, I don't need both of us to suffer this indignation."
"Smart choice, it can be just us girls. Although I'd think the bigger indignation would be having your father-in-law witness you fucking his son porno-style."
Kelly appeared so smug that Blair's hand automatically rose up and slapped her hard across the face before she realised what she was doing. A maid walking passed smiled slightly in satisfaction, apparently Kelly wasn't a favourite with many people.
Kelly narrowed her eyes.
"For someone in your position-"
"-I said I'd give you the money, I didn't say I'd make it easy for you."
Kelly must have grown impatient sparring with her because she cut right to the chase.
"So you are going to give me the money I trust."
"It's hardly going to break the bank so whatever."
Josh opened the door between them.
"Do you guys want a drink? The mini bar looks kinda inviting.."
"Shut up Josh we're trying to talk. Didn't I say not to interrupt?"
Blair rolled her eyes.
"Josh why don't you go the bar downstairs and we'll join you in a minute?"
Josh eyed his wife for permission, she slumped her shoulders in defeat so he picked up one the room keys and went to leave.
"Oh and Josh?"
Josh swung around to greet Blair's question so she slapped him quickly.
It was becoming a bit of a habit.
"Grow some fucking balls! I don't care whether you're the biggest loser in this place, at least have some fucking self-respect. This is the best advice you'll probably ever get, take it. Remember the stinging cheek as punishment for being such a dickless wonder okay?"
Blair felt liberated and couldn't even muster the compassion to feel sorry for his gob smacked expression and flushed cheeks. He didn't even try to defend himself he just turned around and silently walked to where he was told. Some people would never learn.
"Was that really necessary Blair?"
She shrugged nonchalantly again.
"I probably did you a favour. You can't really be satisfied with him? You could just get a dog and save all the money for yourself."
Kelly looked pained for a millisecond but composed herself.
"We can't all have the fairytale life. Josh is good to me."
"Yeah and you treat him like crap."
"He's still around isn't he? He wont get lazy or complacent."
"Whatever it's fucked up."
It was odd to be having a relationship talk with her but it was all part of the deception.
"Be quiet Blair, no one wants to hear you. If I wanted judgement I'd go visit my mother not subject myself to the opinions of a spoilt airhead with too many kiss asses telling her she's worth something."
Blair's expression hardened.
"Let's get this over with. We'll go the bank now and I'll wire you the money."
She nodded haughtily and followed Blair towards the elevator.
"Just so you're aware I haven't left a copy of the tape in my room if you're trying to steal it. I have several copies in locations you'll never find so I'd give up any plan for revenge."
"Please, I have better things to do on my honeymoon. Paying you is the easiest thing in the world."
"Not for your pride."
"No offence Kelly but I still have everything and you still have to resort to tricks to make anything of yourself so I'm not feeling too humiliated next to you."
Kelly pursed her lips, the game was on.
They took the side entrance out on to the street to avoid Josh who was still probably waiting by the piano with his tongue hanging out.
Blair hailed a taxi but Kelly pulled back.
"Where are you taking me?"
That earned her a pointed look.
"To the bank dipshit where do you think?"
"The bank is across the road."
"It's not the right bank."
Blair sighed and opened the cab door.
"Get in and I'll explain."
Kelly had a dubious expression on her face which made Blair laugh.
"Are you scared of me?"
Her opponent laughed shrilly.
She was rewarded with a scowl.
"Then get the fuck in."
Kelly did as she was told reluctantly and was sniffing with disapproval as Blair gave the address to the driver.
"So why are you heading out so far?"
"I don't want Chuck seeing me. It's a little suspicious not to mention obvious going to the bank across from the hotel with someone he knows I hate don't you think? I can't risk him catching on."
"Apparently you do have more than two brain cells to rub together."
Blair flipped her hair confidently.
If only you knew.
It was half an hour by the time they got to the front of the queue at the bank before Blair cursed in realisation.
"What is it?"
Kelly was already impatient and starting to sweat in the badly air-condition building.
"I just realised I need to make an appointment with one of the bank guys. The money you're asking isn't the kind of thing you transfer without getting questions asked. It's not out of our joint accountant luckily but still. We'll have to queue at the other line."
"We have to queue to make an appointment? This is ridiculous. You're doing this on purpose."
Blair did her best outraged expression.
"Do you think I enjoy waiting somewhere hot as hades with the anti-christ herself for hours to fork over a chunk my money?"
Kelly rolled her eyes but looked convinced enough to line up in the other queue.
It was a good hour since leaving the hotel before they were sitting down with a harassed looking financial consultant.
"Good afternoon I'm Lawerence. What can I do for you ladies?"
Blair smiled brightly.
"I'd like to transfer some money from my account to someone else's account please."
Lawerence's jaw tensed and he frowned over at the bank tellers as if was their fault he was wasting his time which such a mundane request.
"You can do that online you know."
Blair shook her head demurely.
"I don't have online banking, don't trust it. Besides it's a large amount that I'll need to sign off on."
"Yeah ten million dollars to be precise."
Lawerence's eyes widened and he finally looked intrigued.
"Oh okay well why don't you give me all the details and sort it all out for you. Take a seat on one of the couches outside the office if you like, it might take a while.
It had been ten minutes but Blair already want to kill Kelly. She actually had a moment of consideration of what it would be like to jab her heel into her neck.
"I said stop!"
"So? What are you, my mother?"
The conversation had been reduced to petty squabbling. They were even nudging each other non-to-gently in their sides as they sat glued together on the tiny, wobbly couch. The heat was unbearable, they could almost feel their skin melting off but instead their arms stuck to each other making them even more uncomfortable. The latest argument had been over Kelly jiggling her leg so violently in frustration it made the sofa vibrate. It wasn't really that annoying but Blair wanted to take out her current situation on someone.
Neither of them had had enough to drink or eat and Blair couldn't even feel any sympathy for Lawerence who was in a suit doing math calculations because thinking too hard made her a little dizzy.
Lawerence finally appeared, Blair thought it was a mirage and felt the need to learn forward and stroke his jacket lightly. He rose an eyebrow in curiosity so she stood up quickly and smiled. Kelly pulled her back down again.
"What was that for?"
"Because you ignorant bimbo if you move too suddenly in our state you'll probably faint and this will take even longer."
Kelly asked Lawerence if someone could get them waters to which he graciously agreed.
"Now ladies there does seem to be a problem."
Kelly ignored her own advice and leapt up anyway.
"What could be wrong now?"
"Mrs. Bass's account that she wants to transfer money out of is a trust fund."
Blair tried not to smile and instead formed a confused frown.
"Like so? Just take the money."
"It's not that simple. The trustees have to be notified."
"But I get money from it all the time into my spending account."
"Yes but nothing like the bulk sum you're requesting, the money not tied up with properties and companies is drip-fed to you over time, those are the conditions of your trust. If you want that amount of money you have to talk to the trustees first and get them to sign off."
Kelly was starring daggers at Blair who was finding it difficult not to roll around on the floor in hysterics. Mainly from dehydration but also from elation at Kelly's misfortune.
"Oh okay well thank you for your time Lawerence."
He shook her hand but was wise enough to steer clear of Kelly who was pacing angrily.
"Kelly if you keep moving around so violently in our state you'll faint, isn't that right?"
"Shut up! You think this is funny? Well now you have no choice but to involve Chuck and get the money out of your joint account."
Blair pretended to think hard for a minute.
"Well a lot of Chuck's money is assets and he'll have to sort of the paperwork so it doesn't look suspicious. Might take a good few weeks."
"You know full well we don't have that long so find a loophole. That's what he's good at isn't it?"
Blair's cell phone beeped and whatever it said made her bounce up and down giddily.
"To tell you you can shove your proposition right up your sagging ass."
Kelly looked shocked, as it did most of the customers in the bank. Apparently excitement had ignored her indoor voice.
"What do you mean?"
Opps. She was supposed to say that once they had revealed the tragic ending to her tragic endeavours.
"Let's go back to the hotel and we'll sort everything out with Chuck."
"Something isn't right."
"No. You couldn't bare the idea of telling Chuck and now you're fine with, just like that?"
"Of course not, I'm just exhausted and want to get this all over with. Shall we go or continue to dissolve here?"
Chuck was lounging casually at the hotel's patio bar with Josh. He was fiddling with his blackberry while Josh read a book. By the bored look on Chuck's face it was obvious they hadn't met on purpose. Blair lead Kelly to them trying desperately to supress the spring in her step.
Josh looked at her with a blank expression before focussing on his wife.
"You took forever."
"Yeah well. Could you go to our room? I need to discuss something with the Basses."
"It doesn't matter."
"I'm your husband and I deserve to be told."
"Since when? You wouldn't understand anyway. Just do it okay?"
Chuck coughed awkwardly and Blair gave Josh an encouraging smile. At least he was making an effort to be a man.
"Yeah Kelly why can't Josh join, myself and Blair don't mind."
Blair had a slight attack of conscience. When Blair had first met Josh, despite everything, he had been happy. He was Kelly's spineless bitch but he was a happy spineless bitch. If he found out the whole messy affair he'd be hurt and things would get fucked up. Punishing Kelly didn't have to include her husband, he was an idiot but he was a good guy.
"Actually Chuck I'd prefer if Josh left us. No offence Josh but it's a personal matter that Kelly is helping me with."
Josh smiled slightly and Chuck was eyeing her curiously.
"That's my girl. Fine I'll disappear."
He kissed his wife affectionately before exiting back into the coolness of the hotel.
"So darling I think you can have the honour of telling Kelly. I got to see her suffer for more than an hour."
Chuck beckoned her to sit on his lap.
"Can I get you a drink Kelly?"
Their victim stood rigidly by the chair and shook her head, sensing foul play. Blair stole some of husband's drink. Alcohol wouldn't exactly help her dehydration but it tasted amazing.
"What is going on?"
"Good question Kelly. Here's how things stand. Your room was planted with heroin while you and Josh were out and only half an hour ago police raided it discreetly. They have the drugs, your records and an arrest warrant. In fact, right now you're looking at a good few years in prison."
Kelly collapsed into the chair.
Chuck put up his hand. He was enjoying this way too much.
"-Let me finish, it ends happier. I, of course bribed my friends in the police department to make this all possible and I have faxed over all the documents incriminating you as well as official records somewhere safe. If you ever release the tape you made of me and my wife I will bring those accommodating police officers down on you like a ton of bricks. The threat will always be hanging over your head thanks to the wonders of catalogue and administration. It's only my good will that keeps them suppressed, for now."
Kelly had turned white, it was a beautiful sight that made Blair's heart swell.
"Anything you want to add Blair?"
"Other than how great I was at keeping Kelly away?-
Kelly was still like a stone so Blair sighed.
"-Now you know how it feels. Think of it this way, you don't leave here with anything less than you came here with. Other than your dignity that is. You can still live your crappy life with your spineless husband without a glass window and an orange jumpsuit between you. It's more than you deserve."
"You guys are unbelievable. You can't get away with this!"
Chuck laughed huskily.
"Have you never heard of the power elite? The military, political and business groups rule society and have all the power. I have connections with all three. I'm untouchable you stupid bitch. Try to bring me down and I will not hold back next time. Am I understood?"
Kelly sat mutely but from the defeated expression on her face they knew they had won but Chuck pressed on:
"So did you bribe the hotel staff into letting you in our room? I punish everyone equally so if you feel like naming names-"
Kelly shook her head.
"No, I just harassed a maid to convince her I was Blair and she let me in. It's easy manipulating the naive and underpriviledged, but I'm sure you're well aware of that. I take it you bribed hotel staff?"
"Didn't have to. I'm Chuck Bass."
Kelly stood slowly.
"Are we done?"
Blair was slightly disappointed. She had hoped Kelly would shout and swear or at least try physical violence, something to snap her out of her generally composed exterior. Yet she barely rose to the bait but a win was win either way.
"I think so."
She walked back inside quickly. They found out the next day from the concierge a few hours later that the Harmonds had checked out early.
Blair and Chuck opted to stay in their hotel room that night and order room service. All the deception and excitement had worn them out more than the celebratory sex marathon so they were quite happy to not move and just watch TV.
"We can't always do this you know."
Chuck stared at his beef strognoff and then at his wife.
"Have whatever we want to eat made whenever we want it?"
"No the whole scheming thing."
Chuck sighed happily.
"Why not? You losing your nerve?"
She threw a noodle at him in indignation which stuck to his face. He tried to look put out but she crawled over to him seductively and licked it off before snorting with laughter. She could be such a goof.
"Of course not but we have to set an example eventually."
Chuck swallowed a piece of meat whole and began to choke violently so Blair slapped him over hard on the back.
It took a good few minutes for his throat to stop aching and he hoped it was long enough to have diverted her attention.
"So I'm just saying, one day we'll have to turn the other cheek or our kids will end up with a warped sense of justice. They'll probably end up as vigilantes or something."
Chuck thought for a moment.
"Like Bruce Wayne? Playboy billionaire by day, caped crusader by night. Pretty cool if you ask me."
"You're the one that started with the vigilante crap."
Blair groaned in exasperation.
"I was trying to make a point."
"That we should be pushovers in our old age?"
"You're determined to evade the issue."
Blair gave him a pointed look and slapped his leg. Slapping was so much fun!
"Fine tell me the issue and I'll give you a straight answer."
"I just told you! When we have children we have to be good parents who don't encourage getting around the law with bribes."
"Of course I wont encourage that."
"So if one our our kids ends up getting bullied you wont tell him to bribe a teacher to hit them or threaten te bully's parents?"
Chuck looked her straight in the eye.
"I defnitely won't do that."
Blair nuzzled into him contently.
"I'll do all the dirty work myself."
Blair shoved a pillow in his face.
It wasn't quite the honeymoon Blair had planned but if she had learnt anything through the highs and lows it was that bliss, harmony, perfection ya da ya da was all relative. She got to make a few friends, smack down her enemies and have the best sex of her life.
Oh and to spend precious time with her one and only, her sugar pie honey bunch.
She had pretended to be affronted at the horrified expression and fake wretching noises he had made at such a 'beautiful' endearment.