January nineteenth. Seven years. Seven whole years since I first laid eyes on Edward Cullen, the vampire I was once in love with. Even if he had told me he didn't want me, the memory of him was stapled onto me, mentally and physically. I thought of the day I saw him, the way his cold, black eyes glared at me with hate. The way he sat as far away as possible from me with clenched fists. And then I remember when he spoke to me, his beautiful, velvet voice was so luring.
Thinking of him made the edges of my hole rip. My breath was starting to leave me, and I had to work on breathing deeply, in and out. I was getting better at this, considering that I have been going through it for years. For the first two years, his name would make me have to clutch my stomach in order to breathe. It got better afterwards. Now it only happened on certain dates. For instance, today, or the day he ripped my stomach in two and left me to bleed. Sometimes, my hate for him is so strong, I wonder how I could have ever loved him. And then I remember everything and I can't breathe. No matter how much I denied it, there was a part of me that still loved him. He had a piece of my heart that I would never get back. A peice that Jacob couldn't obtain.
Jacob and I have been marriend for five years. We have one daughter, Charlize Renee, who is only four. I named her in memory of my father, who died of a heart attack after the fire. I have to clutch my stomach to keep from throwing up. Whenever I thought of his death, I want to kill myself. How could I have done that to him? To anyone?
I am one screwed up human being. First, I fall in love with a vampire. During those months, I almost get killed by an evil, sadistic vampire. I even wanted to be one. Then, he leaves me scarred and bleeding. I find a friend in Jacob, who turns out to be a werewolf. He ends up almost getting killed by fighting Victoria by himself. Not to mention the fact that she killed Billy before fighting Jacob. It took Jacob months to recover. During those months, I find myself in the gym at Forks High School with a beer in one hand and a lighter in the other.
Tears begin to roll down my face as I remember that night ...
As I lie on the floor, drunk and crying, I remember that night I spent with Edward. He looked so beautiful in his tuxedo. Even with make up, a hair job, and a beautiful dress, I still didn't look fit to be with him. Especially with that damn cast on. But he didn't care. Nor did her care how stubborn I was about going. He just wanted me to have a nice, normal human experience.
I remeber when we walked in, the seperation of the dance floor. Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice were all waltzing, everyone else backing away in awe. I remember the way Edward lifted me up off the ground and twirled me around, and I couldn't help but smile. And I remember the way he got all tense when Jacob arrived.
The thought of Jacob makes me cry even harder. He was lying in a bed, barely alive, grieving about the fact that Billy had been torn to shreds by my enemy. By Edward's and mine enemy. "I HATE YOU!!" I scream at the top of my lungs. I was standing now. I don't know how, since my alcohol level was way above normal. "I WISH YOU WOULD DIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!" I knew Edward couldn't hear me, but it didn't stop me from telling him how I felt. "Everything is like this because of you!! If you had never come, Victoria would have never come! I wouldn't be hated throughout the La Push Reservation! Jacob would be better! Billy would still be alive! I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE!!" I take what is left of my beer and pour it in a circle around me. I take the lighter and set the circle on fire. The flames light up around me, and it doesn't take long for it to spread around the gym. "So long, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! Now everyone will be happy and I'll be happy because I won't have to think of you every single day of my life! I hope that when everything catches up to you, you can burn in hell where you've always belonged!!"
The flames are all around me now, and the smoke is intoxicating. I fall to the ground, sobbing and coughing. I knew that this wouldn't be pain free, but at least I'll be free. Even if it is a vast nothingness that's awaiting me, I don't give a damn. I want out. Now. As I slowly go into unconscieness, I here someone yelling. "Bella!" It yells. It's familiar, but I can't figure out who it is. I don't care. I just want to be left alone to die. But of course, nothing I've ever wanted has worked out. I feel like screaming at the pair of stong arms that are lifting me, but my voice is gone. The alcohol has won, and I am officially unconscious.
The next thing I remember clearly is sitting in a hospital bed, while Embry - the one who rescued me - telling me that my father died of a stroke when he heard I had tried to kill myself.
I now find myself back to the present, sitting on the floor in the kitchen, screaming. "Bella!?" Jacob yells, racing through the door. "Bella, honey, what's wrong?" He asks, holding my shaking body.
"I hate him," I say through my teeth, mainly to myself.
"Hate wh -" He stops halfway, realizing he already knows. I hadn't been this bad in awhile, and it had him worried. "Shhh," he says, trying to soothe me. "It'll be okay." He just holds me, gently rocking me back and fourth. "I'll make it better." I feel his love, it's so strong, and I start crying even harder. Not just from guilt and anger. But from the fact that I'm not sure if his love will ever heal me completely.