Well, last night I watched 'So You Think You Can Dance' and Leona Lewis made an appearance and sang a song (can you guess which one? :P). It got stuck in my head REALLY badly, so I had to get rid of it somehow, and this is my method of 'getting a song out of my head'. Enjoy! :D
blah - thoughts/memories
blah - lyrics
blah - ... normal?
If that doesn't make any sense to you, don't worry; you'll understand when you read! XP
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or the song. I know almost no Japanese, and you don't want to hear me sing... x.X"
I exited the Fifth Division with utmost care. Whenever something was on my mind and I couldn't get to sleep, I would get up and wander around the empty expanse of Seireitei. Recently, I found myself waking up and taking one of these trips more often than usual. What was it exactly that was on my mind these days? Images of a certain Taichou found their way into my thoughts. Among those images, I saw a few of when he was younger. I smiled, but then felt a stab of pain in my heart when memories I wished I had forgotten forever wormed their way back into my thoughts. An icy wind hit me when the memories dripped back like water from a leaking drink bottle.
Closed off from love
I could see myself, sitting alone under a tree. There was no one in the world that cared about me. Love? It was a four letter word that had absolutely no meaning to me as a young child.
I didn't need the pain
No, I didn't need it one bit at all. I already had no one left who would look at me and see more than just a kid with dark hair and dark eyes. The insults that the older kids occasionally threw at me tore into my heart. The extra pain was excruciating.
Once or twice was enough
I said occasionally didn't I? It was more than once or twice; the insults could be heard every time I moved a muscle. It was then when I realized going to the outside world would just hurt me, so I stayed inside a simple house for a long time.
And it was all in vain
All the insults had already taken its toll though; I couldn't escape the scars that had already become permanently etched inside me. Sealing myself away was a stupid and useless thing to do. I reentered the outside world again; I would take every blow they hurled at me without batting an eye.
Time starts to pass
Days, months, years. I'd grown used to it. You could probably say that they respected the steel I had in myself. Of course it still hurt, but everything fades with enough time…
Before you know it you're frozen
And that included all of my emotion, all of my feelings. I was frozen for what I thought would be forever. Years had already passed, and though I was only around eight-years-old, my heart was already frozen. Nothing could thaw it.
But something happened
I was walking around Junrinan when I was stopped by a group of tall boys. They had fake smiles on their faces as they asked me for money. I refused to give it to them; why should I give it to them? The boys were taller and much stronger though; one of them easily picked me up by the collar and started dangling me in the air. I quickly started finding that it was hard to breathe. In the corner of my eye, I saw a small boy with stunning white hair appear and tackle the older boy in the knees. The tall boy holding me toppled.
For the very first time with you
I had never seen this kid before; he seemed only a year or so younger than me. It was our first meeting, but I already felt some strange attraction towards him. The older boys backed off with a curse and then the boy held out his hand. His name was Hitsugaya Toshiro. I reached out my own hand and when we touched, I felt a sudden jolt of electricity.
My heart melts into the ground
My heart had already become an artifact to me, just like my happiness. But then, when I touched his surprisingly warm hand, I felt the ice that enclosed my heart slowly start to thaw and a smile appear on my face. I told him I was Hinamori Momo, and he smiled back.
Found something true
His smile was so different. All these years, the fake smiles I saw everywhere were common. To see a genuine smile was so rare, so alien. I found myself falling into his beautiful emerald eyes.
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
Everyone said he was cold, mean. But I didn't see him in that way. They thought I was insane to call him a friend. They didn't know how different he was, and how reassuring that truly was to me. For me, my life only really began when I met him; everything before meeting him was just a horrible dream. The turning point in my life was when I met him. Even if I explained all of this to them, they still probably wouldn't change their minds.
But I don't care what they say
I was still a child, and now I had no worries. Just having a person that I could call a friend; a person who I could count on for anything, was already amazing. People would sometimes look at us weirdly, as if we had three eyes. Their opinion meant nothing to me though. But strange feelings were growing. Every time we met up, the feeling grew. What could it be?
I'm in love with you
Love? It was foreign to me. That couldn't possibly be it. I hadn't even known him for that long. Sure, he was the only guy I actually interacted with back then, but that didn't mean anything. And sure, he was the only person in existence who could put a smile on my face at any given time, but that wasn't significant… right?
The pictures of us when we were younger slowly faded from my thoughts. I looked out in front of me. The night was still dark and the chilling winds wouldn't leave my uniform alone. I turned my thoughts back towards working out why I had been troubled so much lately. Did it really have to do with… him? I shook my head quickly. And then my head started to reason with me, pulling together the conflicting sides within me.
They try to pull me away
Now we both have our respective positions. I'm the Fuku-Taichou of the Fifth Division, and he is the Taichou of the Tenth Division. It wasn't a person who separated us; it was the duties that came with being a highly ranked shinigami. Our work had to come first, and now distance has come between us.
But they don't know the truth
The truth is that even these positions can't dull our friendship. We still find time to see each other and chat, but these times don't come by often. Every time we meet up, we marvel at each other's growth through the past few years. Everyone knows that Shiro-chan is a child prodigy! What they don't know is that he is much, much more than that… to me.
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
It took me a long time, I admit, to finally realize that it was getting more and more difficult for me to not blurt out my real feelings. I always have to bite back all the emotions that I want to express when I see his icy eyes. My heart is pained from all the holding back I have to do. Why can't I just tell him that I lo--.
You cut me open and I
I always get this feeling though, that he knows exactly what I'm trying to hide. His piercing eyes look like they can see right through me, almost as if he was cutting me open; the very eyes I look into and feel my heart being squeezed. Then again, he looks so innocent; he didn't intend to hurt me like this… but he still did.
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
The feelings I bottled up… they have remained bottled up for the last few years. And now, I look at him and feel an outpouring of emotion. All these unspoken feelings were within me. It's killing me inside, but I can't blame you. Inside me, all the pain pouring from my heart… how could you not see it Shiro-chan? How could you be so alert to all the other things that happen around you, but so blind to this?
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
You always said that if anyone made me spill a single drop of blood, you would kill them. But what if the blood being spilled was invisible? My heart is bleeding over you; does that mean you will punish yourself? Then I would rather keep my feelings concealed forever. I do not want to hurt you Shiro-chan; hurt you in any way at all. Even if that means… I have to deny my love forever.
I clenched my fists. In the distance, I could see the first rays of the sun. I had been up for the entire night so far, but I didn't feel tired one bit. I wasn't weary because of the determination I held. I have to find a solution to my problem fast; I can't keep waking up at midnight like this.
Trying hard not to hear
I told myself that this is what I wanted; I wanted Shiro-chan to feel no pain, but there was a giant clash in my heart. I could hear my heart saying 'tell him, tell him how you feel,' but I pushed the voice away.
But they talk so loud
There was no way I could turn away from it though. The volume of the calls my heart was delivering echoed through my body. No. I wasn't going to give in to this obnoxious other being within me.
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
SO LOUD! The sharp voice wouldn't stop calling me. I had already set my mind on being a friend, just a friend to him. Nothing could change a decision that I had already made, except maybe…
Try to fill me with doubt
What is wrong with me? I never back away from something that I have already decided, but now… I'm hesitating! Not telling him about my feelings and staying by his side as a companion, nothing more… is this really how I want things to end between us? The longing in my heart is becoming unbearable.
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
F-A-L-L-I-N-G. After I realized the feelings in me for Shiro-chan were more than friendship, I always thought that it would be just a childish sort of crush. But now, that word wouldn't leave me alone. Could I really be seeing him as something else? Someone I could spend my life with? Shiro-chan… what if he doesn't feel the same way? Rejection would scar my heart deeper than anything I had experienced in the past. I can't fall for him; I just can't.
I felt a tear slide down my face. The sun was slowly rising and the sky was tinted orange. Another tear joined the first. Turning away from love… if you never experienced it for yourself, you wouldn't understand how it feels. I recited to myself one last time: He is just a friend. The tears began to flow freely down my cheeks.
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
His touch… I miss it. I still remember that mission where he had to carry me all the way back, his beautiful and unique scent surrounding me. The rush of love I felt when I was in his arms; indescribable. The pang in my heart when I realized I couldn't confess; even more indescribable. I just clung onto his haori and fell into a deep sleep. The situation wasn't as perfect as my dreams, but I still smiled at the thought of us being together.
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Being a Fuku-Taichou, the tasks I have to complete are tedious. Amongst the piles of paperwork and the practicing I have to do to master my zanpakutou, loneliness is unavoidable. Every now and then though, he comes and visits me. I see my world being lit up; he is everything to me, all I could see was his beautiful face.
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears and started to run. It was early morning now; the time when most Taichou's would awaken. My feet pounded on the ground loudly, waking up a few innocent people from each division I passed. Some of them even opened the door and looked at me as if I were crazy. I couldn't care less; my only destination was the Tenth Division. I reached a building with the kanji 'ten' written on it. Queasiness washed over me, but I still opened the door.
But I don't care what they say
He was at the door already. His jade eyes looked at me questioningly and I felt regret for barging in like this. But I don't care anymore, I had to tell him. Nothing could hold me back anymore. I looked into his eyes as I opened my mouth to tell him; but suddenly all the confidence I originally possessed drained away from me.
"What do you want to tell me, bed-wetter?"
I took another deep breath. It was one of those 'now or never' moments. I squeezed my eyes shut; it was almost as if I was frightened about how he would respond… but I don't care anymore, I really don't. I finally got the words I had wanted to say for so long out of my heart.
"I'm in love with you"
My first attempt at a songfic, so please don't kill me too badly. x.X"
I didn't use the whole song because I didn't want it to be overly long. :P
This songfic is dedicated to my very awesome friend who loves the song... but can't be bothered renaming it; so its called 'Track 3' in her iTunes. LOL!
Please review and tell me what you thought about it. XD (and sorry if Hinamori was a bit OOC x.x")