Disclaimer: South Park is not mine and I'm not making any profit out of this story.
Author's Note I: written originally for emixoo's challenge on DA (though there it had a different ending). A silly CartmanKyle, partly a parody, maybe…
Author's Note II: I apologize ahead for spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native tongue.
A Thin Line
Throughout the course of most of Eric Cartman's not so long life (sixteen years of age should be noted proudly), he was confident in his hatred for three things: hippies, Family Guy, and mostly and above all: Jews. Dirty, sneaky, rich Jew rats. His hatred for that group of people first bloomed when he was but a mere child, probably about five years old. One morning, when he was peacefully building castles in the sand with some kid named Stan Marsh, a third kid joined them, with fiery red hair and freckled cheeks, a kid he was not aware of before.
"Hey, kid," he said. The kid lifted his head and gazed at him, and suddenly a burning feeling engulfed Cartman's entire chubby body. "Who are you?" he asked, his eyes narrowing as the feeling grew stronger.
"Kyle Broflowski", the kid said, and Stan nodded.
"Yeah, he's my best friend!" he said.
"And who said you can play with us?" Eric Cartman asked, frowning as those green eyes kept a solid glare into his.
"I did!" Stan declared and proceeded to show Kyle something very trivial about the sand they were playing in. When Kyle Broflworwhatever turned his gaze away from him, Cartman suddenly felt immensely angry, and somewhat frustrated, too.
When it was time for them to eat their lunches, Stan offered his best friend a ham sandwich, to which Kyle kindly refused because he's "Jewish and can't eat animals." Stan nodded at that and Cartman blinked, cocked his head to the side and realized - rightly so, one should mention - that what he felt towards the redhead was probably due to his religion. He felt the Jewishness from miles away, and obviously, if it managed to confuse him like that, it was a bad thing.
"I hate Jews!" Eric Cartman declared in Kyle's face the following day. Kyle cried, and his tears caused Eric Cartman to feel strangely happy.
His hatred towards the redhead grew with each passing day, to the point where he only had to imagine the Jew's face in order to get that burning feeling and the quickening of his heart rate. Kyle stopped crying every time Cartman taunted him, and it caused the chubby kid to hate him even more.
Cartman, as was already mentioned, was very much confident in his hatred towards Jews. His confidence faltered somewhat when one day Kenny McCormick asked him just why he hates them so much.
"You obviously haven't read Mein Kampff, Kenny," Cartman replied.
"Well," Cartman said and crossed his arms over his chest decisively. "It is the most ingenious book ever written. You see, Kenny, Jews are in fact the core to all problems in the world! They own everything and they're manipulative bastards and the-have I ever mentioned the Jew Gold?"
Kenny stared. "Uh…"
Cartman waved him off. "See, they're bastards, rats! Especially Kyle! With that daywalker appearance of his and the good grades that God knows how he manages to get and that annoying voice and bitchy mother and weird customs and stupid compassion and morals and-"
"Erm… Cartman?" Kenny asked, tentatively, as he was somewhat afraid to disturb Cartman in his rant.
"What? This had better be important, you poor piece of shit, I don't like to be cut off!"
Kenny frowned, then smiled and pointed towards the fly of Cartman's pants. "Eric, why… is it… you know… erected?"
Cartman blinked, looked down and scratched the back of his neck. "Oh, that. Yeah, that sometimes happens when I think of Jews. Especially about Kyle."
Kenny laughed. Then laughed some more, and then between giggles managed to stutter that he probably did not hate Kyle, but felt attracted to him.
Eric Cartman, aged thirteen, refused to believe him or talk to him for the next year.
Eric Cartman realized Kenny was probably right when he finally understood just what erection was (that happened only when he was sixteen, by the way, because he always connected it to his deep-rooted hatred for Kyle and frankly, never had many friends to talk to them about the functions of his maturing body and porn). Cartman was so utterly blown by this discovery that he did not show up to school for a month, and when he did he was more or less like a statue in his seat.
"Dude," Stan approached him one day. "What the fuck happened to you?"
Cartman looked at him, blinked stupidly and then said "I think I'm in love with Kyle."
Stan Marsh looked at him, dazed, then puked out of the window and fainted. Cartman snickered to himself and suddenly felt the urge to see Kyle fainting, too, or exploding with anger. Whichever is good.
So Eric Cartman stood up, went to the library where he was sure to find that stupid Jew rat, and when he spotted him he lifted him by the collar of his shirt and forced his lips onto his. Kyle struggled a bit at first, tried to scream maybe and push Cartman away, and when Cartman pulled back and smirked down at him he was surprised to see a blushing, teary-eyes Kyle.
"What's the deal, Jew? You're not sissy enough to cry about a little kiss, are you?"
Kyle shook his head and sniffled. "No, I… I'm really happy, Cartman!" he looked up at him. Cartman recoiled and blushed. "I've always loved you!"
"Y… you have?" Cartman managed, utterly confused.
Kyle stared, released a curt laugh and shook his head. "Hell no, fatass." Then he smirked and inched closer, which caused Cartman to feel even more puzzled. "But…" he said, his eyes half shut, "I'll agree to be your..." he waved his hand in a circling motion, looking for the right word, "…boyfriend, if I'll always be on top."
The warm breath on his face confused him, and Cartman nodded without thinking too much of the matter. He closed his eyes and waited for the much awaited kiss, but when o such kiss came he cracked one eye open and suddenly felt furious when he saw Kyle smiling wickedly at him. "What's the deal, Jew?" he asked.
Kyle shook his head, the smile never leaving his face. "Consider it as a payback, Cartman," he said and went away.
Cartman stared after his retreating figure and blinked stupidly. Then he frowned. Did we already mention how much he hated Jew rats?
Author's Note III: uh… yeah. Review? :D