A/N: Umm, BL scenes intrigued me and I wanted to incorporate them into an LP oneshot I had already started. So enjoy. I tried to explain why Captain Douche (aka Lucas) has been acting like he's been acting. So this is my attempt.
Please review…they make me smile, and they remind me that my art matters :P
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH or The Scientist by Coldplay.
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start…
Why won't you just let me all the way in?
That thought keeps Lucas awake on nights like these, when Brooke is only inches away and he has time to reminisce. It's probably one of the most haunting moments of his life. The look on her face, the desperation and the raw pleading had cut him so deep that for the first time in his life he felt shame. It was not the shame he was accustomed to dealing with, the one that accompanied him being a child without a father or for going behind Brooke's back the first time they had dated or even the shame at seeing the hurt on Peyton's face when she discovered he slept with Nikki.
No, he had felt that shame before plenty of times. This shame was different. It was the shame that came with not having the answer. Because in all honesty, he did love Brooke at that point in time. He could picture a future with her, college and kids and growing old. He worshipped the ground she walked on and would have walked through fire for her. But it didn't matter because he couldn't let her in, and he didn't know why. And it shamed him that he couldn't give her an answer when she deserved it most of all.
Flash forward five years and her words return to him. Only this time he's thinking about Lindsey. He was ready to share the rest of his life with her and yet not once, had he let her in. It had led to their breakup, more so than Peyton's return. Because there were walls between him that Peyton only highlighted. She was one of the many hidden secrets he held.
It was evident in everything they had shared. Lucas had talked about Keith with Lindsey because Keith was easy to talk about. The memories were very clear cut. He loved Keith. Keith was a good man. And he talked about Karen and Lily because the same thing held true.
But then there was the complexity of his relationship with Dan that stayed locked up in his heart. He could remember clearly times where he and Dan had connected over literature or music or even basketball. There were good times, buried underneath a sea of anger and hate and mistrust. And he could never truly reconcile the two faces of Dan Scott.
So he stuck to hating him. It was easier to hate than to love.
Ironic, wasn't it then, that the only person he talked about Dan with was Peyton? They had met on the beach that night after the dealership fire and he felt her hand pull him all the way to her room. He remembers being vulnerable, sliced open by the green eyes across from him on that bed. He remembers her guard vanished and the honesty she radiated as she held nothing back. He remembers the walls he had built to keep her away and how they left in seconds without his approval.
He spilled secrets that night, cried tears he never meant to shed. And opened up and let her in.
Why was it so easy to do with her?
Maybe it was because Peyton Sawyer was a great friend. She was also something so much more, and her presence blurred the lines constantly. When he first met her, he wanted everything with her. Her dark nature intrigued him, fascinated him. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. But she had shunned him and hurt him and he hadn't known what to do after that. Because in his mind, there was being in love and there was friendship and there was no room for in between.
Just like when you asked someone to marry them, there was no such thing as maybe. Maybe undoubtedly meant no. No shattered everything. Every promise she had ever made seemed to be a lie. All the love she held for him couldn't rectify it. And he could picture in his head, her feeble attempts to salvage their relationship by turning it into a friendship.
So he walked away. And he cut her out of everything he knew. Pictures of them, the mixes she had made for him, the small gifts for anniversaries were stuffed into the overflowing shoebox that had held their secrets from junior year. The Peyton box was thrown into his sock drawer. And he swore up and down to himself that he hated her.
It's easier to hate than it is to love.
But the truth was, he didn't hate her quite enough to stop loving her. They were always stuck in the middle of something complex. And every time she came back into his life, there were lines that shifted and blurred. There was no more black and white, and he tried so hard to cling to the shallow happiness he had created. It was bright white and good and pure. He tried to believe the words that would come tumbling out of his mouth. But his feelings for Peyton always found their way out of his locked heart, and he would always shun them, though he is fully aware of their existence.
The truth is…
He ran into a school where there was a loaded gunman just to ensure that she was all right.
He kissed her back during that same school shooting.
When he said he loved her during Nathan and Haley's rehearsal dinner, he meant it.
When she said she loved him in her bedroom, his heart leapt.
When he kissed Brooke in New York, the name Peyton died on his lips.
The first time he asked Lindsey out all he could think about was how Peyton would have ordered a burger instead of the salad.
He knows why he couldn't write a damn word since he left her, and he knows it's karma.
When she tells him his art matters, he believes in himself again, those three words mean everything coming from her.
When he sees her cry, he sheds silent tears with her.
He kissed her because he loves her, because he still wants forever with her and he knows he won't let himself have it.
When he kissed her, the emptiness inside him had finally been filled.
He knows she'll never let go of him, and he loves and hates her for that.
He wrote a book about a comet, about longing and heartache, because it's the only way he can deal with it.
Brooke stares at him from across the room, as he bounces baby Angie on his lap. She knows he's hiding again, knows that he's using her as a way to distance himself from the terrible situation that's been dropped in his lap. He knows she wants to talk to him about Peyton and about Lindsey. He knows that deep down she'd love to tear his throat out because she sees what he's doing better than anyone in this messed up game.
She knows that Lucas will hide behind lies and books and metaphors because it's easier this way. Just like it's easier to hide your heartbreak for one person in the less monumental heartbreak for another. He hides in relationships with girls who love him more than he loves them because the good times and the bad times will help distract him from the truth for a few days longer…
She won't say anything because she's a good friend, and she's done playing this game.
But he knows that same question still plays in both their heads.
Why won't you let Lindsey in? Why won't you let Peyton go?
The truth is that every day he wakes up thinking of Lindsey is another night he shuts his eyes and whispers, "Peyton."
That's the answer to the question that haunts his nights.
The answer he refuses to admit he knows.
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Brooke will go home to Peyton early in the morning and when Peyton asks where she's been she'll lie and say the office. Peyton will accept it because Peyton's too out of it to care if Brooke's lying. Peyton will grab the scotch from the corner table and blame it as a way to sleep through Angie's crying. Brooke will watch as Peyton slowly shuts the door to her bedroom behind her and she will think of a 100 men better for Peyton than Lucas.
Brooke will drown out Peyton's sobs with a lullaby for Angie.
She thinks of how stupid Peyton is for being unable to let go, and she thinks of how weak Lucas is for not stopping this endless cycle.
She thinks they deserve each other.
And she…well she deserves both of them.
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
Lucas has his moment of clarity on the beach 12 weeks after Lindsey left him at the altar. It takes him two weeks to swallow is pride and go see her. It takes him another week to get Peyton to talk to him without running away as soon as he mentions their past.
When he says he loves her, she slaps him. He was expecting it. He doesn't tell her he'll fight for her. He could swear up and down that he loved her, and that at the end of the day, every step he took was another step towards her. He already let Peyton in. There was only ever room in his heart for one person. And he will never be able to let Peyton go.
A wise woman once told him though it wasn't about what you say, but what you do.
So he just gives her a grin and tells her, he'll be seeing her.
Brooke watches the interaction from the corner of the park and bounces the baby at her hip.
"Looks like we're going back to the start, huh?" she mumbles. The baby gives her a curious look.
"Oh don't look at me like that. I'm not getting involved in this one. They have to figure this out on their own."
One week later, Brooke's had enough, and Peyton and Lucas find themselves locked in a Hoes over Bros storage closet for the night.
So much for not getting involved.
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Nobody said it was easy.