Written to amuse CAPSLOCK:KATAANG and myself.
Aang is 17, the rest of them aged accordingly. Just so that no one cries "PEDO!".
change it to zuko's bachelor party, cause I want them to be in the fire nation and why would sokka or suki want a wedding there?
i have a lemony second half in the works, but will probably post it somewhere more friendly to M rated fanfics.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Nickolodean (i think?) and to Mike&Bryan. Kujin is mine. the random bouncer & bouncy breast are mine...wait that didn't come out right...long and the short of it, the GAang are not mine.
"Gentlemen. I may have discovered, hidden away in the depths of a 'secret' ancient bookshop; the secrets of happiness for men on earth." Sokka announced dramatically, flourishing an ancient yellowing scroll from behind his back.
The male half of the Avatar team were clustered around a dimly lit table in the corner of what looked like a popular fire nation bar. Aang couldn't quite pin down what exactly made this particular place so popular. Maybe it was the weirdly named mixed drinks, like "Hot n' wet" or "Ugly Spice". Maybe it was the oil-filled burning trough that ran around the room and in between tables, mimicking the firelord's throne room. But most likely, it was the insanely curvy waitresses dressed in provocative versions of the firenation army uniform.
Aang gulped as a pair of armored breasts bobbed in front of his nose. "Refill, cutie?"
Yup, Aang decided as the pair (and the girl they were attached to) bounced away, defiantly NOT the mixed drinks.
Zuko and his guard, Kujin, had insisted that this be only the first stop of what they promised to be the best and last night of freedom of Sokka's life. Kujin had been the son of a favorite general of Iroh's, back during the war, and had only recently transferred to the palace guard. One day his attention to detail and rough street wisdom would earn him a captianship, but for now, he seemed to enjoyed being able to show the new fire lord and his friends the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it,) spots in town.
Zuko and Aang leaned forward mesmerized. Kujin sipped his drink leisurely, as if he'd seen it all before. "Are you sure this isn't some kind of martial art scroll?" Aang asked tentatively. "Some of these positions look really complic-whoa."
Zuko's eyes lit up dangerously as he examined the woodblock illustrations. "Mai and I haven't had a chance to try that one." He opened the scroll further. "I'm going to have to borrow this for MY wedding night…."
"Ahh no you don't." Sokka said, snatching it out of their hands. "this is gonna be my secret to a long and…heh heh HAPPY marriage to Suki."
"She looks like the kind of girl who could pull some of that stuff off" Kujin the palace guard muttered, pensively. He was rewarded with a clout to the head by Sokka.
"You! How could you accuse my dear sweet Suki," he pretended not to hear the anonymous snigger, "of being wise in the ways of such things! This is why," he smugged, "she is lucky to have a guy like me to show her."
"I always thought…" Aang was twisting his hands together nervously, "that you just started kissing, then did whatever felt good from there…."
Zuko placed a brotherly hand on Aang's shoulder, patting it. Aang grimaced slightly. A drunker Zuko was more like a sober Sokka, he was started to believe, and while the teasing, brotherly advice and tendency for the over-dramatic was fine on Sokka, on Zuko it seemed horribly, horribly out of place.
"Avatar, avatar. Obviously you still have much to learn. Girls won't be able to stand for a man who doesn't have a clear plan in bed. He's got to know…before he knows…you know?" Aang stared blankly up at him. Maybe another swallow of this stuff couldn't hurt. He thought. If it means Zuko won't sound quite as weird after I do…he took another generous gulp, pulling a face at the aftertaste.
"Like I was saying AvAtar," he slurred, just a hint, "You've got to be collected, cool, directing the flow." Zuko's hand wove through the air. "es like…bending. Almost. Girrrlbending." Zuko nodded solemnly; as if even to his own ears, his advice was the wisest he'd ever heard.
Sokka chuckled and wiped his mouth before chiming in. "It's my sister you like right? Don't look like that, it's soooo obvious." Aang sank in his seat. He was sure he had to be red up to his ears now. "Personally, I outta shake your hand. She's always so wound up about everythin'" Sokka made a whirling gesture with his finger, "A good lay outta be good for her. Loosen her up a bit."
Suddenly Sokka shot a murderous glance at the rest of the men seated at the table. "None o' you bastards though. Don't trust a single one of you to be as good as she deserves. But the AVATAR!" he shook his head and lunged for Aang for a comradely hug. "I could tell EVERYBODY about having THE AVATAR banging my SISTER! HA! It's good for the family reputashion..ya know? Best water bender in generations…"
He stuck one hand out in front of Aang's face, palm open. "And the Avatar!" he brought the other hand to smack the first loudly, making Aang jump three feet into the air and nearly upset the table. "What a match! Can't get much better than that!"
"Although…" he paused thinking hard, "I did have that epic romance with the moon. Not to many people can say they groped the moon spirit! And kissed her. With tongue!" Sokka slapped the table. "Just goes to show that charisma runs in the family! We got that look the Gods adore!" he posed heroically.
"But Sokka," Aang protested weakly. His brain suddenly didn't run as fast. "I'm not a God…"
Sokka ignored him. "Besides! You're the last airbender! Thanks to that jerkbender's family…" ("Hey! I'm not like that anymore!") "You.are.the.LAST.AIRBENDER! In the whole world! You need to start repopulating those temples! Gotta have all four nations to have balance, right? My friends…" Sokka paused for what he thought was dramatic effect, "Aang's sex life could save the world…."
"That's right!" Zuko suddenly jumped up from his chair, knocking it over. "We need ALL four nations! How am I supposed to be working on a world in balance if there's no air nomads!" he pointed an accusatory finger, "you MUST conceive with this water peasant to reclaim the Air temples! It is my Imperial Order! You MUST have sex with this man's sister!"
Aang's horror was hard to define. Either his brain had broken with Zuko ordering him to have sex with Katara, or before that when it had been Sokka's idea to begin with!
Aang realized he had taken another drink of his Mala Tai without thinking. He looked over at Sokka and Zuko. They were chugging the last of their glasses. Aang discreetly poured his onto the potted plant beside their table. Obviously this was some kind of cactus juice, and therefore, making everyone act crazy. Except for him. Had he acted crazy tonight? He couldn't seem to remember.
"But maybe pairing him with another bender is a bad idea..." Zuko's guard, Kujin, was musing, as he too nursed his rice wine. "What if all they conceive are water benders? Wouldn't the better probability lie with a family with no benders in their linage?"
"Bah! Bending isn't completely about genetics man! It's about…about…" Sokka paused, fishing for the elusive phrase. He took a swing of the fire-gut brew and seemed to find the word swimming in the bottom of his mug. "Spirit! Heart! Being close to the source! Being 'spiritually attuned'." He demonstrated his interpretation of spiritual attunement with wavy arms and 'spooky' noises.
"I wouldn't have pegged you for such a philosopher, Tribesman!" Zuko snorted, having picked up his chair and resumed a hunch over his mug.
"There's a lot you don't know about me!" Sokka puffed up his chest. "I'm full of whatchacallit, hidden depths!"
Aang decided he really didn't want to call attention back to himself by mentioning he'd heard the same (albeit more eloquent) explanation from Katara to a gaggle of fire nation girls. He opted for trying to nibble a pretzel as quietly as possible.
"If it's not about breeding, then how do you explain the fact firebending been powerful in my family ever since the world began! You want to tell me Azula was 'spiritual'?"
"Well lessie, generation after generation of hot tempered, arrogant destructive warmongers with repressed childhood trauma? Sounds like the spirit of fire to me!"
"How dare you insult..!"
Aang was relieved when the two immediately pulled their punches, but his face froze like a deer in lamplight when he realized he now had their full attention.
"Err, you shouldn't fight! After all, Mai would skin us all if she found Zuko in a mangled heap, right? And I'm sure Suki would want Sokka back in one piece for her wedding too…"
"You implying I can't take this guy on?"
Zuko and Sokka looked at each other in surprise after they spoke in unison. Then, with the biggest (and scariest) alcohol-induced grins on their faces, they laughed uproariously, slapping each other on the back.
"Ah, forget about it! I'm sure you had one or two decent guys among the bastards! I mean, look at your Uncle!"
"Don't assume Lord Iroh's not a bastard yet…I hear Azulon passed on his way with women to his sons….and we have some world famous courtesans at the capital if you know what I…" Kujin trailed off.
"What?" Aang asked innocently, and instantly regretted it.
Aang skin crawled when he realized the three older men were looking at him with shared maniacal intentions in their eyes.
"It would be…educational." Zuko mused
"Give him…practice." Sokka noted.
"And I know just the place…" Kujin added.
"Guys…." The drink was making his thoughts slow…but he could feel his instincts rising to take over. They pulled the fire alarm in his head. Unfortunately, by then it was too late.
The man at the door stared suspiciously at the two grinning young men and two silent ones. One was clearly a guard at the palace, and a regular he recognized. But the water-tribesman and the hooded figure were another matter. Not helping that matter was the 17-year old boy they had bound and gagged and thrown over one shoulder. They reeked of ale too.
"What's with the guy all tied up? You aint trying to dump some poor virgin into this house of sin against his will are ya? And why are you in that hood? You got something to hide?"
The guard, Kujin, if he remembered, shook his head.
"Oh no, wouldn't dream of anything like that. This guy here, he's just into that sort of thing. Wanted to make sure he was tied up so he wouldn't go crazy after seeing such fine woman flesh. And as for my friend here," Kujin motioned backward, "He's just got this nasty scar he doesn't want to horrify the ladies with." Kujin stepped forward and muttered low, brushing a full moneybag past the doorman's hand. "I'm sure we'd appreciate it if you let him be considerate."
The man smirked. Now THIS was the language he was used to speaking. He discreetly pocketed the pouch.
"Suit yourself. Go right ahead."
As they entered, the doorman caught a glimpse of the kid they had slung over a shoulder. He was giving a look that said Oh-Dear-Spirits-What-Are-They-Gonna-Do-To-Me and wearing a funny hat. The doorman shook his head. The things people were into these days.