Kyoya's having a hard time convincing Haruhi that they were in love.
"Look deep into my eyes. Do you feel sleepy? Yes, your eyes are feeling heavy. Now, tell me that you love me. Say it, come on."
"Kyoya-senpai? What are you--"
"You say that I frighten you. Fear is only a defense mechanism to mask our hidden desires for that specific thing. I am not a thing. But I will settle to be one if you admit that you love me."
"That's not really--"
"Feel the tension between us?"
Moves closer. "Now do you feel it?"
"All I can feel is you molesting me. Now get your hand off before I chop it off. Honey-senpai taught me this wicked karate move the other day. He said it was to protect me from untoward actions against my person."
Kyoya dials quickly. "Honey-senpai? Yes, this is Kyoya. Listen, I will give you a year's worth of chocolates from Switzerland if you stop teaching Haruhi martial arts. Fine. I'll throw in a shopping spree at F.A.O. Schwarz."
"Fine, I love you. There, happy? Stop stalking me! It's illegal in all prefectures! Even Sweden forbids it!"
"Nope. Kiss me. Maybe then I'll be happy. And I am not stalking you; I am merely following your every move to protect you."
"Just one kiss."
Cue what was supposed to be a peck on a cheek to a long make-out session that involved a lot of groping and moans.
"Now will you stop everything?… Hello, Kyoya-senpai? Are you okay?"
"Not enough. To the hotel! I want a large brood of kids! There is no time like today to start!"
Kyoya finally managed to have Haruhi agree that they should have a relationship. Now it was time for her to know how to stick to it and the idea of them having sex. Lots and lots of hot, sweaty, steamy sex.
"Kyoya! Why did Tamaki tell me that the ring you gave me for my birthday was the Ootori family's engagement heirloom ring?!"
"Haruhi, why are you wearing a shirt that says 'Kyoya's property'?"
At last, Haruhi succumbed and she told Kyoya that she was madly in love with him and was willing to be his, marry him and have his babies.
But people are asking, as they did not know Haruhi was a girl.
"Kyoya-san! Haruhi-san! Tell me, which one of you is the uke?"
"Of course, it is already decided, that since I am always on top, that I should be the seme."
"Cool. So, what lubrication do you use? There's this guy I really fancy in block C."
"Own recipe, my friend. Honey, calendula and beeswax. Works like a charm and keeps hands young."
"Five a's and two exclamation points. Good luck, pal. Tell me what it's like in hell."
"No worries. The fourth music room is unoccupied and I always have a tube with me."
By the end of the day, Kyoya admits that he wouldn't mind being uke…as long as it's Haruhi who would be his seme.
A/N: Slightly perverted, but I hope that you guys weren't too disgusted with it. Like it, hate it? Please tell me. I love those reviews.
Disclaimer: Haruhi gets the honor to slap Kyoya's ass, not I.
06/05/08: Reuploaded due to the fact that I cannot count properly. Many thanks to Aiko110.
08/05/08: For fuck's sake. This is a bloody conspiracy! It seems that ff dot net does not allow three exclamation points. This ain't my fault.