Things That Can't Be Unseen
A/N: I have read plenty of DN fanfiction. I am a HUGE fan of said work. I can say without shame I have read my share of both wonderful and deplorable stories to varying degrees of delight. That being said, we all know there are...questionable pairings and poorly structured fics out there. This is simply what I believe would be the characters takes if they were to discover the less...tasteful of the DN fanfics.
If this in any way offends you...lighten up.
Things That Can't Be Unseen
Location: Death note green room
Time: After the end of episode 37
Mouth agape, staring at what Light Yagami could only describe in his current state as the wrongest thing he had yet to lay his eyes on, he read and re-read the current paragraph displayed on L's computer screen.
"The little god captured the detective's mouth with his own, their tongues doing fierce battle. Their hatred for each other showing in each ones fight to dominate the other. Hands found their way under his shirt, while his own were occupied with the older man's belt. Their disdain had twisted into an angry lust. Lips bruised and swollen, Light moved down the detective's body."
Light turned, eyes wide, and looked at L.
"Oh...HELL...no. Just...no...just...what the hell?"
L snorted blandly. "Oh that is tame. There's so many more...involved ones. He clicked a few times and came to another page. "Read the seventh paragraph"
Light scanned down the page and came to the part that L described. Reading the damning words very slowly, he felt his face becoming very, very, warm and was suddenly aware of the amount of people in the room.
He shook his head violently "That's twisted. I mean...so twisted. I would never, never, NEVER let you skewer me in the-"
"-but," Misa interjected, "Look at this one! This one has L calling Light's..." She trailed off, making a face. "..a Tootsie Pop."
"One, two-hoo, three, crunch," came the retort from the leather-clad boy draped over the chair on the other side of the room.
"Thank you Mello," Light sneered sarcastically. "That really helped paint the picture." He pushed at L's chair, sending him rolling a bit. "Let me look at those. Where did you find these?"
"Oh Raito-kun," L cooed, his voice full of mocking softness. "But these are our fans. They write these because they love us." Then he added dryly, "They're everywhere."
"Love...yeah, not what I'm getting from this one here. I can't say I've ever been inclined to wear a bunny suit and be your uke." He glanced up. "Doesn't it piss you off?"
L blinked slowly as if considering the thought. "I rarely let such infantile musings distract me. They are the creations of far too idle minds.
"Oh yeah? Then enjoy this literary masterpiece." Light turned the monitor so that L could see better, watching Misa reading over his shoulder with rapt attention. The detective's face slowly soured as Misa burst into giggles. Something had finally stolen L's amusement. "Now why would I use frosting to...and how would that..." He chewed the end of his thumb, frowning in obvious annoyance. "Now thatis just blasphemy against good cake." He pushed away the small plate in front of him, suddenly losing his desire for his snack.
A snort from across the room drew everyones attention to the redhead on the couch. Barely looking up from his hand-held game, Matt nodded towards where Mello sat. "If you think that's depraved, then you should see what they have me doing with him. I can't count the number of times I'm bloodied up and chained to the radiator. People seem to get off to Mello beating me. Dude, I'm in the show for what, 30 seconds? And from thatthey see me as Mello's...plaything? What do you weigh Mel, 90 pounds maybe? I could toss you like a pillow."
Mello chuckled and opened his mouth to reply when a soft voice from the corner interrupted him.
"At least they keep Mello in character. You should see what they write about me." Near never looked away from the Lego fort he was building. His free hand twisted a lock of hair absently.
"What do you mean, in character?" Mello mouthed around a chocolate bar. "What kind of character am I then?"
"Oh you know..." Near smiled. "A hermaphroditic, sexual sadist with a leather fetish."
"HEY!! I take offense to that!" Mello huffed, pouting his bottom lip. "I am not a hermaphrodite."
Near looked over at L, his eyes almost haunted. "Those...fansof ours...they've had me doing things with my toys that not even bleach and an exorcism could make clean again." His eyes flashed to Mello. "And that's when I'm not being paired up with him."
"Alright, show of hands. Who hasn'tbeen paired up with Mello?" Matt laughed. Mello snorted and glanced around the room, looking smug.
Misa raised her hand, looking incredulously around the room. "Oh come on..." She met Mello's eyes and they both exchanged a disgusted look.
"As if..." they both said in unison.
"I have something to say about that." L took a long pause to mull over his thoughts. "Did it never occur to anyone that when I made my exit from the series, that Mello was 15? A full ten years my junior. Not to mention, jail bait to anyone outside of Indonesia. How is it exactly that we could have held a...relationship?"
Mello let out a burst of laughter. "Looks like the world's greatest detective is a pedo panda."
"Oh yes." L rolled his eyes, looking beyond annoyed at Mello's continued smugness. "My obsession with teenage boys is only eclipsed by my lust for serial killers." What had once been exceedingly amusing to him was quickly turning on the detective.
All conversation stopped when a choked noise came from the young man at the computer. Light backed away from the screen as if it were spewing some kind of vile poison. His hands clenched and unclenched against his sides, his mouth opened and closed in a vain attempt to say anything at all.
"What is it Light?" Misa fussed over the ashen man while L turned the screen back toward himself and upon scanning the evidence of depravity before him, quickly bit back a laugh.
"What?" Misa pushed the shaking detective out of the way. Reading the same paragraph four times, her face went slightly green. "Oh Light...that's...that's...that's just sick."
"R...R...Ryuk? With Ryuk? I thought you said those people were our fans. What kind of fan would do...that to me?"
"That has to be one of my fans,' laughed L, "because that has to be the best revenge someone could wish on you for getting me killed."
"How do I know you didn't write it?" Light shot him a murderous look. "This sounds like something that would come from your twisted mind."
"Because Raito, I have a firm grasp of the English language and more than a passing knowledge of basic spelling." L turned back to the monitor. "I think I'm losing I.Q. points just reading this." He began to recite from the page for the room's enjoyment.
"Teh unly thing that tast better then apples was Yagami Raito thought Ryuk the Shinigami as he lowered his hed to the sleeping boy. "Delishus" he said as he likked the murduers lips. Raito moaned in his sleep. The blanket sliding down as Ryuk reached for the boy's exposed skin. He traced the length of the boy's..."
"You can so shut up now." Light kicked at L's chair, spinning the laughing detective away from the desk and away from the damnable computer that was the source of tonight's hell. "Maybe everyone would like to hear the one about you and Matsuda trapped in an elevator together."
L replied in a dark monotone. "The only reality that would come in that situation is that I would be forced to strangle Matsuda with his tie to stop his incessant talking." He brightened instantly though when another story came to his mind. "But that's not to say Matsuda doesn't get any love." He scooted back to the computer and found what he was looking for. "Look at this romantic little story about Matsuda, Misa, Sayu, and a children's wading pool full of baked beans"
"Oh my God, my sister?!" Light made a sound like he was going to be ill. "My little sister?! What is wrong with these people?"
"Oh...I see, so it's okay that it's me, but if Sayu's in it then you get all mad." Misa crossed her arms and pouted while Light turned away, rolling his eyes. "Liiiight! Are you listening to me?"
"Maybe I'll take a crack at one of my own. I'm sure I could improve on THAT one." Mello looked around for something to write on.
"Do NOT encourage this sickness and for the love of God, nobody give Mello a pen." Near pleaded from the corner, safely from his fort.
Misa smiled sweetly. "I have a book you can write in, Mello."
"Nice try Amane, I ain't stupid."
L pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger, a sudden headache coming on. "I am never working with you people again."
Almost forgotten in the Misa/Mello bickering, Matt casually tossed his game aside, lit up a cigarette, and made his way to the accursed computer. The hacker rolled his eyes at how nobody paid him any mind. "Yup that's me, Mail Jeeves. Computer hacker and all around lamp." He busied himself going through the many sites that L had found with their...colorful takes on the characters. Making quite a point of ignoring the many pairings of himself and Mello, he searched for the one that could top the Ryuk fiasco. "Ryuk and Sayu...nope, Rem and Misa...ewww...nope, L as a girl...snort, Kira and Light...now how the...nope. Oh...oh this is...wow, I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Now how do people seem to think any if us could get pregnant? L, Light...me?! The only thing growing inside of me is the retaliation of a four bean burrito. Hmm...oh now this one is disgusting. Hey guys!" Matt shouted over the sound of Mello and Misa's verbal sparring match. "Guys, I think I found the coup de grace. I give you...Light and his dad."
A hush fell over the room, then a collective groan Then from the mouth of Light Yagami, twisted in disgust, came the expected reply.
"Oh...oh f--k you internet. F--k you... I'm done, I'm done...I have an appointment...somewhere, anywhere. Yeah, I'm leaving." With that, the God of the New World surrendered to the on line masses and made his exit.
"Wait! Liiiight! Tell me where you're going!" Misa ran after Light as he swiftly left the room. "Don't go off without me!"
"Wow, I have to admit, I'm impressed." Mello unwrapped another chocolate bar and took a generous bite. "Who knew all it would take to unnerve the almighty Kira was a couple of pages of poorly written smut? If I would have known that earlier, maybe I would have seen the end of the show."
"Doubtful. The way you lose your temper I think you still would have managed to get yourself killed. Or maybe one of your...hobbies would have done you in. I'm thinking...auto-erotic asphyxiation." Near started gathering up his robot and finger puppets.
Mello coughed, spewing chocolate pieces as he turned on Near. "At least I have sex. Some of us weren't made into complete social retards."
Rolling his eyes, Near headed for the door. "I'll see you guys later. This was...enlightening."
"Oh you come back here! You are NOT getting the last word this time!" Mello chased Near down the hall and out of sight, still ranting.
Matt took a last drag on his cigarette and let out a long sigh. "Time to go save somebodys ass I guess. I'm gonna take that as my cue to leave. L...it's been interesting. See you at the wrap party?"
"Maybe, I have a lot of things to catch up on. I'll see if Watari can clear some of my schedule." L continued to look at the computer screen. "I tend to be a bit awkward in a social gathering situation."
"They flew in a french pastry chef. I hear they'll have a five layer cake."
"I'll see you there."
Matt snickered as he scooped up his game from the couch. Walking towards the doorway he turned to say goodbye to L, only to see him still glued to the computer. "You're gonna burn out your eyes looking at that."
L shut off the monitor, seemingly bored and picked up his forgotten tea cake. He waved absently toward Matt as he left. Now alone in the room, he focused on a random document left on his desk as he finished the sweet. Glancing at the computer, he shook his head and went back to reading the document. Realizing he had re-read the same paragraph three times, L sighed and set the papers back on the cluttered desk. Shaking his head in clear annoyance of his own weakness, he turned the computer back on. Reading again the story that Light had shown him, L scrolled down to the bottom of the page and clicked the 'review' button.
"As amusing as your story may be, I find it entirely unrealistic. I cannot, in any foreseeable manner, imagine that L would wear a sailor skirt and stockings. I do not see how that would assist him on any case, nor do I imagine him finding such an ensemble to be to his comfort level." L prepared to click the 'submit' button, thought for a moment, then as an afterthought typed a hurried sentence.
"As for what you did to that cake...that should be an executable offense."
L flashed a very rare smile, picked up the document on the desk, and began to read it in earnest this time.
Watari sifted through the day's emails, discarding the more disturbing fan letters and forwarding the interesting cases to L for his approval. Opening one of his personal emails he scanned over it before frowning slightly.
"Executable? Well that's a little harsh. I hate flamers."