Defenestration – The fine art of throwing someone out of a window
One of those belated birthday fics for Anje. Much love to you!
Anyway, this is intended to be something light-hearted – a break from the heavy stuff I've been writing lately, particularly in the Naruto fandom.
Oh! Calling all Reset: The Kushina Effect readers. I need someone who does not mind being spoiled for future story/plot/chapters to get in touch. I desperately need to get these ideas out of my head, and the person who let's me spoil her for my Bleach stories doesn't read naruto. Any help would be much appreciated.
Onwards to the story!
Namikaze Minato sighed at the fox-masked ANBU currently wiping her hands off. "Was that really necessary, Kushina?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you have liked me to ask the assassin's permission before I dropped him out of the window? Sorry, but we're not on a peace-keeping mission this time." She drew her long braid over her shoulder and cursed. "He choked on it! Bastard."
"If you don't want it to be choked on, don't use it to strangle people."
"Well what would you suggest I strangle people with, hmm? Oh, this is ridiculous, he coughed up blood. You need to work on your aim, Minato. If you'd nailed him in the heart, I wouldn't be having this problem."
"If you'd use a weapon other than your hair—"
"Hey, do I shoot down those weird kunai you use? No. So don't you make remarks about my weapons."
"Kushina, you can hardly call your hair a weapon."
"Hah, liar! You said use a weapon other than my hair, which implies that my hair is a weapon, therefore you agree that it is! Other than that, weapons are used for killing people and I just killed that bastard assassin using my hair. Ergo, the hair is a weapon. And I am badass, because I just killed a man with my hair."
"You also started bitching about how that man coughed up blood on your hair," a voice said from the window.
"Kaka-baka!" the woman cried, dropping her braid. "Did ya get the body?"
"Considering it's slung over my shoulder, I'd say the answer is an obvious yes," the teenaged ANBU replied through his mask. "And don't call me that. It's Wolf."
"Oh please. Like people can't recognise that hair of yours anyway, and this mission is the worst kept secret since Orochimaru was in the closet. What took you so long?"
"Well if you hadn't thrown the body out of the window, maybe you wouldn't have had to wait."
"H-hey," Minato chuckled nervously, holding up his hands. When Kushina and Kakashi got going, they really got going. If he wasn't careful, Minato could find that he was the one being shoved out of a window. "Let's just have a look at the guy, all right?"
Two masked faces turn to him and Minato just knew they were both glaring at him.
He sighed again. It was going to be a long day.
Kushina waved her chopsticks in the air to emphasize her point. "Mm, so the guy gets totally suckered in by the helpless noblewoman act – I mean, what kunoichi in her right mind would grow her hair this long? – and he decides he wants to have some fun. I played distraught little idiot while he tries raping me – and can you say inexperienced? Please, any proper rapist knows to hold a girl's arms down. Anyway, I let him get me on the ground and then just grabbed his head and crack, that was the end of him." She laughed, short and sharp, before slurping up more ramen.
Minato stared, his own chopsticks frozen halfway to his moth. Slowly, he lowered them back to his bowl and folded his arms. "Are you afraid of anything? That was an A-level ninja you went after."
"I'm A-level too. Maybe even S-level."
"You're not S-level."
She smiled cheekily at him. "Yeah, you say that now, but what would you do if I got kidnapped or something?"
"You wouldn't. I'm here." It was an instant reaction that he didn't even think about. He probably should have.
A pair of chopsticks was stabbed in his direction before they dipped into his own bowl. "See? That is why I'm an S-level ninja."
The third assassin of the day leapt through the window and without looking, Kushina shoved a chopstick through his eyeball. With a strangled cry, the man toppled back out the window. Her grin widened.
"Also, that. Gimme your chopstick. And your ramen."
The mission, of course, was a rousing success. With three of Konoha's top shinobi on the job, it couldn't not be, and when they returned home, the celebratory party was already in full swing. All three triumphant ninja's got thoroughly smashed – or rather, Kushina got smashed, Kakashi tried to get smashed but was prevented by Minato, and Minato himself was content to watch Kushina get smashed and stop Kakashi from doing the same. All in all, it was a pretty good party, except for the part where Kushina nearly toppled out of the window. Minato suffered a mild heart attack and was in the process of teleporting across the room to get her when a sullenly sober Kakashi grabbed the end of her braid and yanked her back in. Instead of thanking him for saving her, Kushina then proceeded to yell drunkenly at the wall about Kakashi's lack of finesse in saving ladies and that a real man would have at least caught her around the waist, if not cradle her in his arms.
Needless to say, Minato got the woman out of there fairly quickly.
"What are you doing?" Minato asked, watching Kushina wander around on top of his head. The one on Hokage Mountain, not his actual head.
"Heh." She flashed him a summer-bright grin, brown eyes shining. "I'm the queen of the caaaa-stle and you're the dirty raaaa-scle."
"I'm higher up than you," he pointed out.
"Yeah, but I'm on your face," she shot back, pulling out a can of spray paint.
Minato's heart sank. "What are you doing?"
He shouldn't have asked. He really didn't want to know the answer.
"Giving you a makeover," she replied absently, tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth as she sprayed a thick line of black on his stone eyelid. "And also, I know you're too chicken-shit to come after me when you might ruin my concentration and have me fall to a messy death, so I figure nows a good time to tell you I accidentally threw the old man out of a window today."
And here Minato thought he was beyond being surprised by the things Kushina did. "You what?"
"Hey, it was an accident!" she exclaimed defensively. Having done both eyes in black and garish purple, she slipped down his nose to paint his lips whore red. "It's not like I meant to nail him with Jiraiya or anything."
Minato pinched the bridge of his actual nose. "You threw Jiraiya-sensei at Sarutobi-sama."
"No," she said slowly as she sprayed a beauty spot onto his upper lip. "I threw Jiraiya out of the window. Sarutobi got in the way."
"Why did you throw Jiraiya out the window?"
She paused in her work, blinking up at him in confusion. "I need a reason to do that now?"
"Minato…" Kushina cocked her head to the side. "How would you feel about a family?"
Minato glanced over at her from his position at the window. He'd been looking out at the beauty of his village at sunset, although he had to say that it was nothing compared to the beauty of Kushina at sunset.
He said this aloud, and Kushina thwapped him over the head. "You sap," she accused. "Don't be cheesy. And answer the question."
Minato rubbed at his head. "A family? Like, how do you mean?"
The woman rolled her eyes. "And you're meant to be a genius? Kids, Minato."
He frowned. "What's brought this up?"
"Oh, god, just answer the question."
He caught the end of her braid and tugged the woman towards him. She scowled at him, but did nothing to stop his arms encircling her small waist. "How do I feel about a family? Specifically kids?"
"I'm going to hurt you."
He grinned. "I'd love a family, Kushina. You should know that."
"When?" he thought about that. "Soonish. No hurry, whenever ever you're ready. But soonish."
She kissed him on the nose before dancing out of his grip. "How's nine months for ya? Give or take a week or two."
"That sounds—" He broke off, eyes widening. "What? You – you're—"
"Pregnant?" She grinned wickedly at the look on his face. "Yep."
Minato fell out of the window.
I…don't know where this came from. But I hope it made you giggle. Especially you, Anje!