OK, just some thoughts before the story! Thank you all SO much for reading this! Mmmmm, reviews are appreciated. If you think that a sock could've wrote this story better, I would love to hear about it. Even if your message is "rolflol hahahaha hawwwwwtttttt-schmexy!!1111" ... I won't like it, but I'll take it. Not picky here. OK! Well then, I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it! Thank you!
Ichigo sighed walking to school. Swinging his bag aimlessly, he stopped to observe a nearby clock. Seeing that he was ten minutes ahead of schedule, he sat down on a curb to contemplate his fucked-up life. And his fucked ass. Which, by the way, was not appreciating his owner's treatment of it.
Firstly, Ichigo had drastically mistreated his posterior throughout their time together. Years of "holding it" during school had led to half hour ordeals in the bathroom of the Kurosaki household afterwards. Also, Ichigo's Gluteus Maximus was still reeling from the prostate cancer checks from years gone by. NOT fun.
Ichigo paused from his thoughts. You know, he should've been more aware of the whole "I'm gay" thing when he was oddly comfortable doing those tests. Oh well.
Speaking of prostate, Ichigo's backside had found itself repeatedly violated there must to its chagrin (and Ichigo's delight). So now every time Ichigo tried to rest on his bottom, he found it to be noncompliant and quite sore. So, sitting down on the curb was not as easy as it sounded. Ichigo grunted, panted, and hissed as he shifted his weight from his left cheek to right cheek, back again, and repeat.
Oh yeah. Number Two was not happening for a LONG time now. They'd have to extract his shit out with some sort of liposuction or an IV.
Able to pull his mind away from the pebble wedging itself into his ass crack, Ichigo remembered, although, never having really forgotten, the source of his problem(s).
The redhead whose fiery temper sent Ichigo aflame.
With an annoyed click of his tongue, Ichigo retrieved his bag and resumed his trek to school. Renji hadn't been there this morning. All that was left for proof of last night's doings were a mentally disturbed father, soiled bed sheets, a sore Ichigo, and a note. That's right, you read correctly. Renji could write. A note. Very detailed actually.
Ichigo has summed up the contents of this note as such: Renji enjoyed last night with a whole paragraph dedicated to his favorite moments in explicit descriptions. He apologized for having to leave, but he needed to see how his Squad was doing. He enjoyed last night. He loved him. Also, Renji took the time to ask if he had mentioned that he enjoyed last night. Renji sweetly finished the note with a heartfelt list of what he wanted to do to Ichigo when he arrived back.
All of this, of course, with countless misspellings and a blatant disregard for the rules of grammar, even enough to make Ichigo queasy.
As Ichigo mentally ran over Renji's list in his mind, he shuddered. While some had given him pleasant thoughts for the day, the fifth item on the list had sounded painful. Scratching his head, Ichigo deepened his frown. Honestly, he wasn't even sure it was anatomically possible.
Let Ichigo try to put into human words how painful it sounded. Like, "scratch-Renji's-back-and-bite-his-shoulder-till-it's-bloody" painful. Renji had even included diagrams for it… Ichigo mumbled to himself and had his hands follow the movements as he walked to school in a practically zombie-like state. 'Was it clench, twist, thrust, pivot, grind? Or twist, clench, thrust, grind, pivot? Wasn't there a pelvic thrust in there somewhere?' Suddenly Ichigo found himself of limited movements with his hands He confusedly looked down and assessed the situation. Ahah. The sneaky little devils had traveled south and decided to hibernate within his pants. Quickly removing them from his tighty-wighties, Ichigo coughed hurriedly and looked around. Hopefully no one had seen that. Grimacing, he tiredly let his hands fall to his sides. Unless he could find a sink, he wasn't shaking anyone's hand today.
"Damn you righty! And lefty, you should KNOW better! I hardly even USE you!" he scolded his hands callously.
Sullenly, Ichigo glanced up. He was on the school's threshold. Shrugging his bag off his shoulder and into his hand (Eeeeew.) Ichigo mindlessly walked to his locker after entering the building. While grabbing his books-
'Those will need to be burned.' Ichigo rolled his eyes. Unless he was to go handing out wet-naps to every person he came into close contact with, he'd have to lose the queasiness. He was a hormonal young man that would gladly give up breathing just for an erection. The coming hours would be rough.
But, while grabbing his books and walking through the halls, Ichigo's mind kept going back to a single thought. A whole day of no Renji. A whole day of monotone teachers and crap lectures. A whole day of Renji deprivation. A whole day of annoying classmates consisting of period-crazed girls and perverted boys. A whole day of no-Renji-up-his-ahem. Well, you know.
Stepping into his first period class, Ichigo groaned and mentally shot himself. How was he going to handle Health? Wasn't today about how the boys were to not knock the female students up come prom? Maybe he would just skip that class and leave early – he was sure if he just explained the situation to the teacher, they would both see each other eye-to-eye on why Ichigo didn't need to bother even paying attention.
Propping one of his elbows up against the doorframe, Ichigo rubbed his eyes. He remembered the one time he had allowed Renji to go to school with him. For one week. For one day. For one period. That period had been Health. The section, Ichigo recalled, had not been Humiliation, but, in fact, the Male Reproductive System.
As pictures had flashed from a projector onto the screen in front of the class, only one phrase had preceded the slide show: 'All images shown are of actual and proportionate size. All measurements are average.' Then the wonderment of what Ichigo got to see in the shower everyday began. Ichigo had taken the grossly redundant images in stride. Renji, however, had been another story.
"What!" he had called from the back of the classroom, "Who's that pathetic loser?" he had asked, pointing at the penis displayed upon the northern wall of the classroom. Ichigo had just twirled a pencil in his hands, wondering if he could kill a man with it.
"I mean, well, no wonder you guys are virgins!"
'I'm sure if I hit just the right spot with the correct trajectory and a good Southeast wind…'
"Kurosaki's sisters could be bigger than that!"
'No. Choking. Strangling. Asphyxiation with his bare hands – that was the way to go with the murder of a certain shinigami.'
"You wanna' see a dick?" Ziiiiiiip. "I'll show you a dick!" Rustle. BAM!
Ichigo clenched his eyes shut. He remembered. He had tackled Renji halfway into his attempt to be rid of his pants. Thank heaven he had to get past his underwear, Ichigo wasn't sure if he would've been able to reach him in time had he gone commando that day. Luckily, his classmates also seemed too scared to bring the subject up again, and the teacher and been absent from the room, probably schmoozing up the lunch ladies.
As Ichigo began to tentatively step into the classroom, he kept only one thing in mind: Renji. Was. Not. Compensating. For. Anything.
This simple fact of life had been proved last night. His butt and Renji in general would never let him live it down. As Ichigo surveyed the room that was soon to be full of classmates for the most comfortable desk, he frowned. The only problem with Renji's Gift-From-God was now Ichigo felt insecure! Stupid seme must've gotten implants. His dad was a doctor, he'd ask him. Ichigo snorted. 'Yeah right…'
Just then, as Ichigo asked himself if he'd really put the little man under the knife for ego, the bell for first period rang throughout the school. Murmurs of other high schoolers echoed throughout the halls as they finally began to make their way to their designated classrooms.
"Ichigo." A deep voice called from directly behind him. Ichigo's eyebrows rose, but he wasn't frightened. Somehow, Chad's voice was never intimidating, but calm and reassuring. He was sure the tan boy could be God's voice-actor or something. Ichigo turned his head over his shoulder, waved, but continued for his chosen desk. "How are you feeling today?" Ichigo shrugged.
"So-so. How 'bout you?" Chad paused and decided to take the seat next to Ichigo for this class.
"Well, actually…" Ichigo paused. Setting his books under his seat, Ichigo painstakingly tried to revert back to a normal posture without bumping his rear into neighboring desks.
"Yeah?" he asked nervously, wiping his hands on his pants. He shuffled around to face Chad, who was sitting too close for his liking. 'Wait? Why am I nervous?'
"Your father…" Ichigo paled. He didn't. "Placed a call to my home last night…" He did. "It seems you and Renji have, well, solved your problems?" Chad finished, his voice hitching at the end from him trying not to laugh.
'Spontaneously combust. Spontaneously combust. Spontaneously combust. …Nothing's happening. Dammnit! I can't even stab myself with anything.' Ichigo cracked open an eyelid to see a humored Chad chuckling to himself just across an aisle of desks. Lurching forward, Ichigo started grabbing for his best friend's throat across a desk.
"It's not funny!" he screamed. Chad merely swatted his hands away and snickered. "Don't!" Ichigo cried. At his friend's whining, Chad graduated into full-blown laughs. Ichigo stomped up and down.
"You … you don't understand our LOVE!" Ichigo cried passionately. Chad ceased his giggles and looked at Ichigo. Surely his friend hadn't gone crazy?
Ichigo just ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah, that's pretty lame, right? But don't laugh Chad!" he snarled. The threat fell on deaf ears as Chad began to roar in laughter at Ichigo's sad excuses. Ichigo's eyes widened.
'That man's laugh could cause an earthquake!'
"From how Isshin described it… Renji's thrusting could've caused an earthquake, an- and your moaning an … hahaha, an- an avalanche!" he gasped out at the end.
Ichigo's cheeks flushed scarlet and he glared at his friend.
"I CAN'T HAVE YOU AS A WITNESS!" he screamed and leaped upon Chad's back … well, he tried. Chad simply stepped aside and allowed Ichigo to belly flop on the tiled floor.
Chad's laughter died down until he just smiled in mirth. But still, even in good fun, he had to make sure Ichigo was OK.
"Listen, this doesn't change a thing … I promised to be by your side and that won't change…" Chad gave a warm smile to the back of Ichigo's head. "Now, do you want some help removing your countenance from the linoleum?"
"I accept your offer. But be fully aware that I still hate you." Ichigo growled. As Chad hoisted him up, Ichigo shook himself and tried to proudly walk around to his seat. Bracing himself against a chair, he looked at Chad with pain in his eyes, for his front now felt the same as his back.
"I'm not gonna' be as lame as Quincy now, am I?" he muttered.
Chad closed his eyes and tried to imagine Ichigo immersed in ribbons and taffeta, mumbling to himself while browsing craft stores for just the right thimbles, or even bent over a sewing machine. He shook his head. "While Ishida is nice in his own ways, I do not think you two will ever be similar."
"What's this Kurosaki? You wish to be like me?" sniped an all too smug voice from the doorway. "I doubt even the gods could grant that prayer." Said Uryuu as he stalked to his desk nearest the board. Ichigo about threw up.
"Fuck me in the ass!" (Renji! Please!) "Ishida, what the HELL are you WEARING?" he screamed.
Uryuu snapped up from setting up his "learning space." At such vulgar language, his beret swooned from his head and dropped dead on the floor. Huffing, he picked it up.
"Kurosaki, I do not WEAR clothes," he said, gallantly making a show of removing a satin cape from his shoulders, "I SPORT them." He finished, throwing a knitted scarf around his neck and over a shoulder.
Chad just nodded solemnly and Ichigo snorted. He broke his eyes away from the garish Quincy and absentmindedly stared out the window. He wondered if anyone would mind if he sported an erection? 'Cause that's what was going to happen if he didn't stop seeing naked Renjis everywhere. He squinted and looked back in the corner of the classroom.
Gathering behind him, Keigo, Mizuiro, Tatsuki, and Chizuru leaned over his shoulders to try and understand what he was so intently staring at. Chizuru seemed to understand immediately and gasped. Cupping her cheek, and resting an elbow on Ichigo's shoulder, she sighed contentedly. Tatsuki just shook her head and walked off. Keigo and Mizuiro just looked at each other.
"Um…" Keigo started, loosening his collar. Unable to continue, he nudged Mizuiro forward.
"Watcha' lookin' at Ichigo?" Mizuiro finished. He glared back at his friend with a look saying, "now why was that so hard, asswipe?"
"Can't you see them? It's just … they? I mean … they're indescribably beautiful!" Ichigo said with some sort of breathy quality to his voice. Suddenly, a certain bespectacled classmate cuffed him over the head.
"Kurosaki! Stop gawking at the conjunction point of the walls and act like a human, you pig-ape!" the Quincy quipped at him. When the only response he got was some incoherent mumbling about tongues, licking, and pectorals, he promptly moved back to his own desk. Chad gently shook Ichigo.
"What do you see?"
"Renjis." He whispered softly.
"Orihimes." Chizuru moaned.
Chad couldn't help but recoil.
"And…" he cleared his throat, "Just what are they doing?"
"Making out." They said simply. Ah. Chad wilted a bit. So everywhere Ichigo looked he saw two Renjis sucking each other's faces off. Glancing at Chizuru, he just went to sharpen his pencil. Whatever she saw probably wouldn't faze him; she seemed to always do stuff like that.
"Hello everyone!" came a bubbly voice from the front of the class.
"Orihime, good morning." Chad said simply.
"Good morning, Chad! Hey, have you gotten taller? You know what could make you taller? See, I made this lunch today and it has a lot of meat in it, but there's some vegetables, or was it fruits? Goobers? Well…" and Chad just nodded at the correct times as Orihime went on about peanut sauce with tofurkey, and how it had medicinal properties. Gradually she picked up speed. "Soimixeditwithayamandfrieditintempurabatter, oh wait, GOODMORNINGTATSUKI!" she screamed to her friend approximately five feet away.
Chad chose this time to slip back to his desk. Ichigo gave him an apologetic smile.
"Sorry, man. Just … a lot on my mind."
"You mean Renji."
"And how I'm going to tell Rukia, and everybody … do you think I have to tell them?" he quickly looked over at Chad.
"Ichigo," he said seriously, "Yes. They'll understand, I'm sure. You don't have to do it today; just don't wait months, okay?" he said, raising an eyebrow. Ichigo huffed and gave Chad a dirty look, like it was his entire fault that he had to come out of the closet.
"Fine." He sighed.
Ichigo looked around and gave himself a small smile. He was gay, but at least some things were constant. Keigo and Mizuiro were still just chattering away about women. Tatsuki was waving a finger at Chizuru, yelling about how she filed a restraining order yesterday. Quincy was busy sewing away at what seemed to be one of his school shirts, most likely torn in a fight with a Hollow. Chad … well, Chad was just always there. He never seemed to falter. Thinking back to home, Kon was smashed in a desk drawer for spying on one of his neighbors while she was taking a shower. Karin and Yuzu had wished him a good day at school and given him quick hugs. His dad had even tried to clothesline him on his way out the door. He supposed things were actually just fine. But that still left…
"Ichigo! How are you?" Orihime smiled while she cheerily greeted him. Ichigo blinked a few times before registering that someone was talking to him.
"Oh, um, good. Just thinking I guess," he said, tapering off at the end.
"Wow! Me too! Except Chizuru says that I shouldn't think because I'm too pretty. She says she'll think for me. Then Tatsuki came while Chizuru was telling me what she thought. And because she was thinking for me, what she thought was what I was supposed to think I thought. So, Chizuru says that I thought that I should go over her house and play Twister. But then Tatsuki kicked her in the back of the head and called her some words that I couldn't find in the dictionary. I told her what Chizuru said, and she said that I should think later and just go home now. So I ran home. Then I made pudding. I think I sang to a bird. What about you, Ichigo?"
"Um … yeah. Wow, Orihime. Your days are must more interesting that mine."
"Aw, thank you Ichigo! But I'm sure that's not true! So what did you do?" Ichigo just made an odd gurgling noise in the back of his throat as he searched for the right words to tell his innocent friend that he had been repeatedly kissed, licked, and screwed senseless into several flat surfaces that included his bed, the shower, his dining room table, a few walls, a floor floors, the kitchen counter, and his stove. (The stove was bad. He had called his father's lawyer afterwards, claiming that there had been an "accident." Whether or not they had a case was to be found out on Wednesday.)
"Um, ya know … just watched some television…" he said, suddenly sweating.
"What channel?" Orihime asked quickly, not missing a beat. Ichigo blanched. What was she? Conducting a survey or a CIA interrogator?
"The Food Network?" he said, eyes practically racing from left to right, up and down, spiraling, looking anywhere but at Orihime.
"Wow, me too, oh, wait, before I tell you about my new wok slash toaster, Rukia told me to give you this." She said, reaching back to the desk in front of Ichigo, where she had decided to sit. Apparently the Quincy had changed seats too, as now he was quietly sitting in a desk besides Orihime, stealing glances as she bent over to retrieve … whatever it was she was retrieving. "Here!" she announced, thrusting a letter at Ichigo's chest. Ichigo hurriedly mumbled his thanks and ripped the letter open. Orihime leaned to whisper in his ear. Uryuu craned his neck. "She says that she's sorry, but she'll be back from her trip right after school. She wants to talk to you right away and she'll be waiting by the front door of the high school." She said quietly. Straightening up, she just smiled and walked over to Ishida, inquiring about what he was working on.
"What's it say, Ichigo?" Chad asked, leaning to see the writing.
"Well, amidst the bunny doodles, I can gather that she's coming today after school … she says she needs to talk to me … Renji's gonna' be there too! Says he told her it's an emergency!" Ichigo smacked his head onto his desk. "This is terrible!" Chad blinked. Prying the note from what seemed to be his best friend's lifeless hand, he scanned it over.
"Well … see, you can't … just … I'm sure she'll understand." He finished sympathetically. Folding it up and tucking it into Ichigo's breast pocket, he patted him on the back. "Just make her swear she won't tell the others until they're ready." Ichigo wearily removed his face from the desk.
"Yeah, I know. I mean, I guess it'll be embarrassing for the Soul Society to know that I swing that way, I mean, it'll get out. Renji can't keep his mouth shut! But, I mean…" Ichigo scowled. "What about Aizen?" he suddenly whined. Chad just looked at him.
"Um, were you interested in him? Or what? A gay orgy with your arch nemesis is greatly frowned upon, I hear…" Chad said weakly. Ichigo clocked him over the head.
"No! But, come on! I doubt he'll see me as much of a threat if he knows I'm … that way. I mean… would you be terrified of some guy who had another -" Chad help up a hand to silence Ichigo.
"My friend, some things are better left private. There's no way for him to know any better anyways. Who knows, maybe Aizen …" Ichigo raised an eyebrow.
"Yes?" Chad cleared his throat.
"Anyways, I'm sure the last thing he has thought about during his quest for ultimate power is your sexual preferences." Chad finished. Ichigo just nodded, but threw an annoyed glance at his friend, like it was an insult that he would dare say someone wasn't wondering who he was doing it with.
"Alright class!" the teacher chirped from the front of the room.
"Finally decided to show up, eh?" Ichigo heard Keigo mutter from somewhere in the class. Ishida shot him a glare.
"Please open your textbooks to Chapter 8, and we'll begin." She said happily. The classroom answered with a groan, but complied. Ishida, again, looked like this complaining was a mutiny against the human civilization itself. Pursed lips and a sneered nose showed his utter indignation at such blasphemy. The teacher, however, simply reminded herself that sooner or later, she would be paid, and eventually, retire.
Ichigo slumped down in his chair while his friends merrily gabbed on about the day's happenings. Isana-chan and Kei-kun had broken up. The English-for-Business course teacher had failed everybody on last week's exam. The vending machine in the lunchroom was broken. The gym teacher had made everyone run through horrid dodge ball drills, resulting in Aki-san's broken nose and fractured windpipe. Ichigo just "tch"-ed and shook his head. Not that he was one for pity, but his problems were much worse.
He had gone a whole day without Renji. Sure, he probably would get used to it, but was it too much to ask just to wake up with the person who had one of their extremities shoved in multiple orifices of his for the first time? FOR FOUR HOURS! (It wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed those hours. They were well spent, in his opinion. Sleep was for virgins.) Throw the strawberry a bone, here! He'd have to tell his sisters. How could he explain "mangina"? Renji would most likely get shunned from the Soul Society. Rukia would chop Ichigo's head off … both of them. Aizen would … Ichigo wasn't quite sure about him actually. Since turning evil, he seemed to look quite meterosexual. But that was neither here nor there.
Rocking his head from side to side, he wondered if somehow the teachers were alerted when a student was found to be homosexual.
It hadn't really started out that bad. Chapter 8 in their Contemporary Japanese Literature textbooks had been about a blossoming romance between some girl and boy. The girl fell in love with some foreign guy apparently. As he zoned in and out, focusing and un-focusing on the drab, overused plotline, he managed to hear his name.
"And Kurosaki, will you please read the paragraph describing our mighty hero?"
"Um… sure." Ichigo cleared his throat and scanned the page for any paragraph containing the most amount of purple prose. 'Rosy lips placed upon a smooth, yet masculine countenance wrought by angels … yep, here it is.'
As Ichigo read the passionately described paragraph in what could be the most monotone voice ever known to any living organism with ears, he started to get a little tongue-tied.
"Not high-born, years of hard labor had made his hands into strong, calloused tools that dominated anything he touched."
'When did I start sweating?'
"His long red hair did not flow with a feminine air, but held steadfastly still to frame his face and lay across his strong, sun-tanned back."
'When did it get so hot in here? Why is it so hot? Why can't we afford A/C? It's global warming, isn't it? I knew it! Am I turning red? My body odor is starting to smell! Oh dear god, did I put on deodorant? WHY AM I TURNING INTO A WOMAN?' As Ichigo mentally went through a quarter-life crisis, he continued reading about the ruggedly handsome redhead who gallantly traversed the countryside to find his true love. As the girls sighed and swooned, and the boys silently vowed to kill whomever this character was based off of, Ichigo breathed in and out of his pencil case.
'It's only hyperventilation. It'll pass. Now just calm down. You've fought things ugly beyond all reason that were at least twenty stories high. Don't get freaked out by a little story. One-time thing. Come on, next class is History, how bad could it be?'
Very bad apparently.
The focus of today's lecture? As par usual, nothing in particular. The scheduled speech was veered off topic due to a discussion about ye golden days of yore (Community College) and whether or not diet soda was bad for you, which led to a discussion about blood pressure and gingivitis. As the question came up as to "Who invented the toothbrush?" many answers were spewed out of brace-filled mouths of the teenagers.
"William the Conqueror!"
"Shut the fuck up, Keigo, how about your sister?"
"That's just stupid."
"I think it was aliens with eyes on their tongues!"
"You're so imaginative Orihime."
"Don't make me come over there, Chizuru! I swear, I will dismember you with only a ball-point pen and one hand tied behind my back!"
"You're so mean, Tatsuki. Bitch."
"Bite me, whore!"
As the whole class turned their attention towards the two hormonally-strained women screaming obscenities to make a sailor cringe, the teacher promptly decided that this would be a good point to continue teaching.
"Isn't that by the uvula?" came a call from the back of the room.
"No, Keigo, now please sit back down. You see; Aristotle was quite the engineer and part-time mathematician. Designer of mouthwash and the cure for toe fungus, Aristotle is most remembered for his toothbrush. Fashioned from sheep hide and moss…" And so the lecture dragged on. Students nodded to one another and confided "Aristotle was my next guess."
As Ichigo felt himself rise knee-deep in bullshit, he also felt his IQ plummet through the school's mostly likely standard-violating base foundation and all the way into the negative numbers.
"As you youngsters would say today, the Greeks were pretty 'sweet.'" He concluded.
"What else did they do, sir?" Uryuu asked from the front row.
"Don't encourage him, four-eyes!" came a shout from the middle of the room.
"Keigo, move back to your seat."
"Well, the Greeks were a bit, well, scandalous…" As students picked themselves up from their slouching positions to hear the gossip, Uryuu just scoffed and closed his notebook in which he had been meticulously taking notes. Apparently anything remotely interesting had no place in his novellas of learning.
"You see, well, the Greeks allowed male students and male teachers to have a relationship. Young boys and men my age, which isn't too old, could have legal relations with young lads." The teacher said sheepishly, while wiping his glasses on a cloth.
"Does 'relations' mean?"
"Yes, Keigo, it means sex."
"I don't even know what that means and I agree with it!"
"Well, scholars now call the relationship 'pederasty.'"
"HAWT!" As the class once again had their attention on Chizuru, Ichigo was just grating his teeth waiting for the bell to ring and free him.
"You see, it would've been like, well … Ichigo and I!" And his History teacher beamed at him, like it was an honor to be chosen as a modern-day example of an ancient, gay relationship between student and teacher. Ichigo just furrowed his eyebrows and gaped. Sputtering a bit, he didn't know what to say really.
Luckily, he didn't have to say anything.
"I can't imagine Ichigo gay." Came a few voices. Was it Tatsuki? Why was the room spiraling?
"Hahahaha! Ichigo gay! He can hardly even talk to a girl, how could he have the balls to come out of the closet to somebody?"
"It'd be pretty hot."
"CHIZURU! Do you WANT me to staple your lips shut!?"
"I think he'd be on the bottom." At this point, Ichigo just didn't have the heart left in him to fight, and he simply slammed his head on the desk.
"Aw, see whatcha' did to him, Chizuru! Besides, Ichigo is the toughest guy I know! Throw him in a prison cell, and he ain't being no one's bitch!" Ichigo sobbed silently.
"Oh, come on! Teacher and student? Forget the toothbrush! The Greeks are the inventors of intimate role-play!" Chizuru ended with a chipper note.
"Maybe the inventors of yaoi. You see, From Homer's Iliad, many tried to perceive Patroclus and Achilles as a homosexual couple, but there was always a debate on who were the erastas and the eromenos as-" A sharp sound cut through the class as the bell rang to allow the students passage to their third period class.
"We'll pick this up tomorrow!" came the call as Ichigo exited the classroom. Hurrying down the hallway, Ichigo could really only focus on one thing.
'Role-play. Number Three on Renji's list.'
"Okay class, today we'll be drawing still life. Get to work." The class was silent for a second. Ichigo cast a look towards Keigo.
"What?" he mouthed. Keigo just shook his head.
"Um, sir? I thought we were going to be starting ceramics today?" Keigo chirped from his seat right in front of the teacher's desk. The art teacher rolled his head, popped a few vertebrates, and leaned forward towards Keigo.
"They don't pay me enough to do this job. Listen, you should not be so limited! Be free to express yourself in ANY manner of art my pupils!" he finished. Were those stars in his eyes?
"Then why can't I use macaroni and glue?"
"Because I'm not paid so you retards can regress, you little shit-ball."
"Fine, but what are we supposed to draw?"
"Do you not see the bowl of fruit I placed in front of you right as you came in? How do you miss that? Honestly, Keigo, you must try at this?"
"Oh," Keigo stopped chewing an apple. He looked at the porcelain bowl, now half empty, "I thought this was our snack-time?"
"Listen, I gave you subject matter, paper, and pencils. Just draw." A hand was sheepishly raised. "WHAT!"
Chewing. Chewing. "Um, well…" Swallow. "Why?"
"Because, Keigo, some of us prefer to consider ourselves above primates in the evolutionary chain. So, I am trying to solve a Rubik's Cube."
"Okay, you look like you really screwed that up, it's going to take you much longer than just this period, may I suggest-"
"SHUT UP AND DRAW YOU LITTLE WHELP!" As Keigo grabbed a pencil and angrily sketched a half-eaten orange, the rest of the class just sighed and did the same, but without the muttered swear words.
"I heard that, Keigo…"
"Assfucker…" Ichigo started to drip sweat onto his paper as he drew the little border along the bowl. The term wasn't that bad. A little off-putting, yes, but not BAD!
Twenty minutes into the class, and Ichigo was putting the finishing shading touches onto his strawberry that lay halfway in the bowl. He cracked his knuckles a few times, picked up his pencil again, and started on his last piece of fruit that he had to draw. After this, he could ink it with pen, turn it in, and go back to daydreaming about Renji. Yeah. This period was going by easy. Smiling, he started to focus on the last obstacle (Here meaning fruit.) that was before him.
Oh, come on.
… …And, be gone!
…It doesn't resemble it that much. (Yes, it does.)
It's quite large isn't it? (Plucked at the premium point of ripeness.)
"Oh, you little shit fucker…" Ichigo growled. It was a banana. A very large banana. Splitting slightly right at the tip. Ichigo almost cried. How had he not noticed the peaces perched right at the base of it, on opposite sides? In fact, that fuzz almost looked like- No. No no no. We mustn't go there. Just draw, and everything will be fine.
As the bell rang, Keigo sprang from his desk and shoved his masterpiece under his teacher's nose.
"Whaddya' think, old man?" As the teacher stopped himself from almost inhaling paper up his nostril, he gave it a cursory glance.
"None of the fruit had smiley faces, Keigo. And there wasn't a little stick figure of me etched in the bowl with a pitchfork and two horns coming out of my poorly drawn head."
"There is now." The proctor stopped and just rubbed his eyes. "I'll just throw that away then." As he got up to dispose of Keigo's graffiti on his bowl that he paid a whole 150 yen for, the culprit pranced over to Ichigo.
"Hey, come on! The bell already rang, we don't wanna' be late for gym! You know what happens if we're late, and heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey now?" Keigo wrenched Ichigo's paper from his hands.
"I was looking over that you prick!" Ichigo injected. Keigo turned it upside down a few times and squinted.
"Wow! You sure gave a lot of detail on that banana! You changed the angle, though. How did you make a fruit look majestic? Look at it! You just pointed it up the sky there, didn'tcha'?"
"I HATE YOU!"
"And you added fuzz onto those peaches. Why is it curly?" Keigo gave Ichigo a scrutinizing glance. Ichigo stopped in his advances to kill the boy. 'Shit. I'm not ready to tell him. He's not ready to know! Oh gods Keigo, please…' "Are you on drugs, Ichigo?" Ichigo blinked. Thank the gods.
"Um, yes. Yes, yes, yes, YES I AM." He stuttered. Snatching the paper, he quickly threw his name on it, and turned it in.
"Sweet! Maybe we could swap sometime?" Keigo called down as he followed a sprinting Ichigo down the hallway towards the gym locker room.
Ichigo growled and quickly kicked off his school pants. They had been only a second late walking into the gym doors and the teacher had given them hell for it. Just great. Now, he said they were going to play a "special game." Thrusting his head up through the neckline of his shirt, Ichigo listened to the sound of Keigo struggling to put his pants on without any assistance.
"Left, right, and zip it tight!" sang the teen from the next row of lockers over. Ichigo, exasperated beyond all measure, slammed his gym locker shut and marched out to the gym.
"Ichigo! Wait! Are my shoes on the right feet?" Keigo screeched frantically as he ran awkwardly after him.
"ALRIGHT! Listen up, ladies! Today we were supposed to do dodge ball. I'll save that for next period. Today, I've switched your planned class to …" the instructor decided to put a dramatic pause here. Even though he wasn't quite sure how to spell 'dramatic.' "Wrestling." Some whoops were heard throughout the hall. Some groans. One boy broke out in tears.
Ichigo grimaced. Well, at least he wasn't going to have to listen to the word "balls" for forty-five minutes. That would've been awkward.
"Now, you two go put the dodge balls in my office…and Ichigo, I forgot to put the baseball team's equipment away. Put the bases in the storage closet." Ichigo nodded and picked up the flat, rubber flaps.
'Wow, I got first, second, third bases, and a home run all in one night!' Ichigo thought. He could at least boast about that … well, not literally. This didn't make him a whore right? Who moved that fast in a relationship? But then again, he was dating a dead guy. Maybe the same principles didn't apply.
"KUROSAKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" Dammit. Ichigo just swung himself around and walked back out into the gym, where everybody was assembled on half court. "Sit down, runt." The teacher growled. "Now, we aren't going to be using wrestling mats or protective gear. Simply because that would take half an hour to gather and then you little girls would spend another hour putting it on with the color coordinating and the make-up." He drawled.
"You wore stripes with dots." Ichigo heard Ishida growl from behind him. Ichigo turned.
"Me, or…?" he silently pointed to the rambling gym teacher, going on about his first wife and blue eye shadow.
"…P-Polyester…" he choked out. Ichigo shifted away. Creepy.
"Yes, yes, what is it Keigo?"
"Well do we get sport cups?" Ichigo sniggered. "Extra-large?"
"Keigo, this is an all male gym class. If one of your classmates here kicks you in the groin, return the favor. This is wrestling, not cat fights! Now, you only have a little over twenty minutes left, go kill each other…" he finished, promptly walking over to read about the indeterminable losing streak of the Hanshin Tigers.
"Ichigo." Said boy whipped around to see Chad. "You were late to class."
"Yeah, don't remind me." He sighed, walking towards a corner of the gym.
"May I wrestle with you? No one else seems to be challenging me." Ichigo could understand that. Chad probably weighed more than this whole gym class combined, with about 93 being pure muscle. You know, the rest being hair, bones, and the like.
"Yeah, sure." Then, Ichigo did a dirty thing. He quickly turned around to tackle Chad, hoping to gain an upper edge. Chad quickly moved and planted his full weight on top of Ichigo, trying to pin him to the ground. Ichigo ground his left heel onto the floor and sprang up a bit, enabling Chad and him to grapple on a semi-even eye level.
As Mr. Nakamura finished reading his dismal article on the career of a baseball team, he surveyed his class to see how things where going. Ichigo and Chad were locked in a sparring competition, both boys grinning like mad. Keigo and Mizuiro were halfheartedly shoving each other to the ground, talking quietly. Mizuiro would occasionally throw a nervous glance to see if the teacher was watching. Ah yes, then there was that weird Quincy kid. Partnered with Kyouji, Uryuu just kept slapping Kyo in the face each time he got near him.
"Listen, Ishida, don't worry, I'll teach you how to wrestle; now, I'm just going to show you where to put your arms, okay?" Kyo said soothingly, reaching for the bespectacled teen's wrists.
"NOOOO!" screamed the girly-man in an almost ultrasonic pitch. "GET AWAY!"
"Don't touch me you brute!"
"Ishida! I swear!"
"SEXUAL HARASSMENT! INNAPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR!" The teen became even more flustered. "RAAAAAPE! RAAAAAPE!" It was then Mr. Nakamura decided to step in. The boy had pulled out a can of pepper spray and was brandishing it at Kyouji.
"What the hell man?"
"Back! Back I say!"
"Alright! Let's just all get in the middle of the gym again!" the teacher called. As the boys sat down in front of him, Nakamura-sensei rubbed his eyes. "Listen, I know some of you don't know how to wrestle, exactly." Pointed look at Ishida, "So, I would greatly appreciate it if Kyouji, you and … Ichigo come up here please." Ichigo stood and walked up to stand directly facing Kyouji. "You two show them how it's done, alright? GO!" Ichigo, like most humans, requires at least a second to process a few sentences. However, all he managed was to see some hairy-legged boy rush at him head-on.
"Nngh!" Ichigo almost got the wind knocked out of him as he braced himself against all 230 pounds of live human flesh running towards him. Snaking his hands around the panting student's stomach, Ichigo managed to flip him onto the ground. Kyouji swore and began to thrash as Ichigo started to lie on top of him.
Chad smiled. Ichigo was doing well.
"Alright, Ichigo!" Mizuiro cheered.
"ICHIGO! I LOVE YOUUUUU!" Keigo screamed a little too enthusiastically.
Quincy just gave a slight look upwards at the match. Giving a disgusted sigh, he pointedly returned to filing his nails.
Ichigo just growled and pinned Kyouji's hands behind his back. Suddenly, an odd flashback hit him.
"Renji! H-hey! What are you – ooooh…" Ichigo just groaned as a tongue lovingly worked it's way from nibbling on his ear to sucking on his neck. "Renji…" he moaned.
The proclaimed shinigami just smirked as he nibbled down his love's chest. He rubbed his hands on the inside of Ichigo's thighs, teasing him. He reveled in hearing his lover moan his name, but he wanted his to scream it.
"Didn't know you were such a thrasher, Kurosaki…" he breathed heavily into his ear. Giving a pluck to the leather ropes binding Ichigo to the bedpost, Renji chuckled. "Now what're you gonna' do?"
"Where- where did you find those?" Ichigo breathed out. Renji just pulled Ichigo closer to him, moaning at feeling his lover once again.
"Oh, you know, I have my ways…" he said devilishly. Licking his lips, he leaned down a little to kiss Ichigo rousingly on those lips of his as he pulled his hips back a bit. "Now, for Round … what is it? Nine?" Renji suddenly slammed his hips forward.
Ichigo gave a cry of ecstasy.
"TEN! ICHIGO WINS!!" The gym class cheered for the orange-haired boy. Ichigo confusedly got up and made his way to the locker room with the rest of his class in a slight daze. What just happened?
After he was dressed, Ichigo made his way over to Kyouji.
"Hey, um, good match man." He said, smiling. Kyouji scowled.
"I guess…" he said. Then, he smiled and punched him on the arm. "But you know, you should be careful about driving your knee into your opponents' backs! It really hurts!" he said, rubbing near his side. Walking away to talk to Oda, Kyo dropped the matter.
'My … knee?' Ichigo pondered. Someone cleared his throat from behind him.
"I don't know what you were thinking about … but it wasn't your knee that was driving into his back…" Chad mumbled quietly. Realization hit Ichigo like a wet fish.
"Shit!" he swore.
"Don't worry, I don't think anyone else noticed."
"Then how'd you notice?"
"Well, you made this intense cross-eyed look. You stuck your tongue out and your nose scrunched up. Then, Kyo started yelling about 'Watch where you put that thing!' and I saw it wasn't any of your obvious extremities. So…" Chad shrugged.
"Not that I don't appreciate a critique on my physical appearance, but why was that whole bit about the face necessary?"
"I think it was your sex face."
"Okay, class, please prepare to write down this week's vocabulary, and we can get started…" As Ichigo slowly reached for his notebook, he thought about how much he hated this class. English wasn't exactly an easy language to learn, and if trying to just pronounce and memorize twenty foreign words a week wasn't enough, all of his friends were taught by one of the other English teachers. Not that Ichigo wasn't capable, but he was left to fend for himself. (As if he didn't get enough of that when fighting Hollows.)
"Alright class, you know the drill. Repeat after me!" Chipper as always. "First word…" Insert dazzling smile here. "Useful."
"Alright, I guess… OK, now this word means 'being of use or service; helpful, of good effect.'" And so the drill repeated, until she reached the tenth word: "Now, class, Kazue will read the tenth word, give its part of speech, and tell us the definition. Kazue?"
"Ummm … eem-pore-tan-tuh."
Timid cough. "'Important,' dear."
"Yeah, that. OK, lesse' here … it's an adjective, and it means 'significant, having or suggesting high importance.'"
"Exactly! Excellent! Now, let's have … Mitsuru, please continue…" And Ichigo slowly drifted in and out during a class of approximately thirty-two students that struggled for half an hour on twenty foreign words.
"What do you MEAN that 'sail' can be either a verb or a noun?"
"Don't shout Mr. Tamura! Besides, they both have to do with SAIL-ing, so I didn't think that it would be THAT. HARD!"
"Now you're shouting!"
"Either way," the mousy teacher trilled, "it doesn't matter, Mr. Tamura. I shall just finish number nineteen! Now, when spelled 'sale,' this word has to do with monetary transactions-" A slight pause as she was interrupted by a chorus of exasperated sounds ranging from grunts, sighs, and even screams. "Now, now, now! This shall not do," she pouted. Beady eyes glistened. "Now, as I was saying…" Ichigo placed his head on his desk, as Tamura demanded to know from the proctor "just what the hell buying meat from a store has to do with big boats out at sea." After fighting for a few minutes, it was concluded that Tamura should receive a detention, and the English language was still to be glorified for the remainder of the class.
"Now, Ichigo, please, finish our lesson for today." The teacher sniffed.
"Um, yeah … number twenty: 'Swell.'"
"Perfect intonation Mr. Kurosaki!"
"Uh, thanks." Ichigo cleared his throat. "It means 'to cause something to bulge … out. Or…" Ichigo loosened his collar. "Pr-protrude." He finished meekly.
"And, Ichigo, as the last student of the day, please provide us with a sentence using 'swell.' There are also many other meanings to choose from, mind you. For example, Mr. Kurosaki, a heart can 'swell with pride,' or there can be a 'swell' in the ocean. Also, it was used as an informal adjective, although the adjective meaning is thought to be archaic now…"
Ichigo was screaming at himself.
'Don't say what you think!' thought one part of his brain.
'Come on! Renji makes Ichigo swell. Just say it!' said the other.
'There are unlimited possibilities! Sometimes, Renji can be so big my ass will actually swell. My lips swell after kissing Renji. When I see Renji naked, my dick swells up. After my dick swells up, HIS swells up. Even after we screw like rabbits, they're still swelling!' The sane part of his brain was vainly trying to convince Ichigo to not utter such vulgar language, but it wasn't any use as it was trying to stop a nosebleed with one hand, and unbuckling its pants with the other.
'I have a twisted mind.' Ichigo thought.
"Well, Ichigo? Have you decided?" the teacher cooed, batting her eyelashes.
"Erm … yeah … I think that …"
"SPEAK FROM YOUR HEART, BOY!"
"Aha! 'I think that pudding is swell!' Beautiful! Just beautiful!" the class applauded Ichigo's articulate speech as the bell rang. "I have tears in my eyes… Ah! Well, off to lunch and pudding! Haha!"
'Run! Run very fast!' screamed Ichigo's brain.
Renji sighed as he dipped his ink brush as so he could continue to fill out request forms for his division. As Renji had been late for his shift, having not been able to stop humping Ichigo's leg before he left, Byakuya had put him on paperwork duty. Idly writing a paragraph on why the 6th division required more toilet paper, Renji also reached over with his other hand and procured a piece of paper that he would write upon it the request to NEVER, under ANY uncertain terms, let Iba cook again…
"I'm glad to see you so absorbed in your work, Abarai." Renji jumped a foot up into the air.
"C-Captain!" Byakuya Kuchiki stood in front of him with a stern expression on his face, and yet his eyes seemed to be less … well, intimidating.
"I've been calling your name for the past thirty seconds, but at least you are ignoring me because of work, not merely zoning out…" Byakuya's eyes narrowed, "which you have seemed to be doing a lot lately." Byakuya glanced back at the door and cleared his throat. "Is there … is there something on your mind, Lieutenant?" Renji nervously stood up and straightened his hakama.
"Well sir, not to burden you sir, but I suppose I should explain the change in my behavior." Byakuya nodded listlessly. "I've been thinking a lot sir … about … about Kurosaki…" Byakuya's eyebrow went up half a centimeter: a new record.
"The ryoka?" He took a step forward and Renji broke out in a sweat. "And just why," he said pointedly, "is that, Renji?"
"K-Kurosaki-san … Kurosaki-kun … he, he is … that is, we… We're friends." Renji said, shifting uncomfortably.
"That's quite a bit of time to be thinking about a … friend." Byakuya said in a steely voice, and yet the last word seemed almost seductive.
"That's just the thing sir, Ichigo … he might be," Renji squeezed his eyes closed, "morethanafriend, sir!" he belted out. Seeing as how Renji was not looking at him for fear of being killed, Byakuya allowed himself to smile.
"Well then Renji, I suggest you eat lunch and then leave." Renji's eyes involuntarily snapped open.
"Captain, I promise you that this will not affect the quality of my work, sir-" Byakuya waved a hand dismissively.
"Vice-Captain, I have no doubt of that. Your job depends upon it." Renji gulped, "However, your work today is subpar and I order you to take a day or two off and get whatever is distracting you out of your system. You will be back here at 5 a.m. sharp after the 'weekend,' as the humans call it, is up." Renji opened his mouth to speak, "Yes, Abarai, in case you cannot do the math, that gives you one week and two days, a total of seven days, to spend in the human world and do whatever you wish." Byakuya, with a swish of his robes, continued speaking as he made his way to the door. "My sister has prepared a special lunch for you, which I have placed on your desk. Savor it and be gone in the hour, Abarai. I shall have one of the underlings in the 4th division finish your paperwork: simply write down what still needs to be finished." And with that, Byakuya Kuchiki had exited the room, leaving a practically speechless Renji.
"Th-thank you, sir." He said meekly. (What, I said almost speechless, didn't I?)
Outside Renji's office, whoops and yells could be heard inside as the redhead prepared for his vacation.
"Nii-san, I said to get him to tell the truth … you didn't have to make him sweat, you know." Rukia said evilly as she smirked at Byakuya. The man shrugged as he began to walk to his favorite meditation spot.
"Yes, I suppose, Rukia … but we both know that it wouldn't have been as much fun that way." Rukia giggled and she quickly sped off to tell the other divisions about the news.
"No. Fucking. Way." Ikkaku said. Rukia kicked him in the shin.
"As I have just repeated for the last HOUR:" she screamed, "YES. FUCKING. WAY. Renji Abarai, Vice-Captain of the 6th division, is GAY!" she shouted again, this time a little happier. Ikkaku blubbered on his sake and Kira's nervous twitch was working in overdrive. Tetsuzaemon firmly clapped a hand over the Kuchiki girl's mouth.
"Shhhh! They'll hear you!" he whispered. Rukia angrily stomped on his foot. As Iba howled in pain, she took up screaming again.
"Of course they'll hear! I WANTED them to hear! That's why I called this emergency meeting!" She threw a last look at Iba. "Dumbass…" And so, with an angry, 95-pound girl screaming at them, is how the whole of the Seireitei came to know of Renji's sexuality.
Yamamoto was silent and simply nodded at times.
His vice-captain muttered stuff about things not being they way they were when he was a kid.
Soi Fong said that Renji would be treated no differently by her division, by which she had to knock out her vice-captain to say so, and that she was inspired to go and find a certain purple-haired woman.
Kira tried to painfully not think of Captain Gin.
Unohana and Isana were conversing on how they would have to talk to Renji and Ichigo about the danger of shinigami STD's.
Komamura was busy asking a red-faced Iba how two human males had sex, and at the end of the quiet conversation burst out with, "Like dogs! Us foxes are much more sophisticated about such matters!"
Shunsui looked absolutely horrified that someone would choose a man over a woman, but Nanao explained to him that it was all love in the end.
Shuhei shook his head and rubbed his cheek. Whenever Renji looked at his tattoo was going to be awkward now.
Toshiro was confused and was getting annoyed when Matsumoto told him he would learn about it when he was older.
The same was happening with Yachiru and Kenpachi. Ikkaku swore on his lack of hair that it wasn't true. Yumichicka was sad that he hadn't gotten to him first.
Mayuri and Nemu had left long before, having no time for such trifle matters.
As his vice-captains were fighting over which one of them had known first, Ukitake just looked around and smiled at how dysfunctional it all was.
So now, dear reader, you are transported back to Ichigo Kurosaki and his plight, which is almost over, as he is walking out of school. With friends in tow, Ichigo thinks that the day has gone pretty well, and no one knows that he's gay yet. Only the rest of his high school career to keep up this charade, and he'd be free! Suddenly, all of his friends stopped talking and Ichigo felt a chill run up his spine.
"Hey," he said, going to turn around, "what's wrong with- HEY!" The teenager was shoved, face-first, up against a tree. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY! KEIGO, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE-"
"Does this feel like Keigo?" whispered a sultry voice into his ear. The owner of the voice slowly ground his hips into Ichigo's back, slowly bending his knees so he was practically giving Ichigo's lower back a massage with his hard-on.
"R-Renjii-iii…!" Ichigo breathed. Renji smirked and stood back up as to lick the shell of Ichigo's ear.
"Now, Ichigo…" he murmured, kissing his way down Ichigo's face, "I'm just trying to say hello after not seeing you all day…" Renji's arms advanced under Ichigo's shirt at a teasingly slow pace. "And here you are…" Ichigo thrashed his head back as his nipples were taunted. "Moaning like a little whore in front of all your friends." Ichigo simply used the tree to push his hips back against Renji's and rub up against him.
"You… you know you like it." Ichigo whispered sexily. At that remark, Renji quickly spun Ichigo around and grabbed his chin.
"Damn right I do," he growled, shoving Ichigo up against the tree and proceeding to ravish Ichigo's mouth. Ichigo threw his arms around Renji's neck for support, and Renji entangled his fingers in Ichigo's bright orange locks. Massaging Renji's tongue with his, Ichigo desperately tried to convey how happy he was to see him. Ichigo quickly shoved Renji away and dove for his neck, sucking and moaning at the taste of his lover. Coated with sweat, Renji gave a weak chuckle.
"Now, now, Ichigo…think of the children. Let's – Oh, do that again! … Re-remember the children!" Said children were standing behind them in stunned silence.
Renji was going to chastise Ichigo more, but the teenager wrapped his mouth around the red head's Adam's apple and sucked – hard. In doing so, Renji lost all of his breath.
"Let's give the little kids a show, Renji… Unless, you think," Ichigo bucked his hips upwards for emphasis, "You think this is better continued in private." Renji gave a shuddering exhale.
"Oh hell yes." And at that, Ichigo wrapped his legs around Renji's hips, hoisted himself up, and Renji was off like a bullet, to who know's where.
As Chizuru, Tatsuki, Keigo, Mizuiro, Chad, and Orihime looked on, no one could really think of what to say … save Chizuru.
"Toldja' it was sexy." She stated simply.
Again, would much appreciate criticism. I want to write a lemon after this, so ... if you think I shouldn't, please don't write a letter to the nearest assassin, just click that little 'Review' button and warn me about the assassin first. That way, you don't have to read a terrible lemon, and I get to live! Wooh! However, if you think that I could write a lemon without completely making you vomit until your tongue fell out, please feel free to say so!