Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff

Chapter 3

By JoHoMo

I eat Florida

"WELCOME TO THE BEST POLITICAL TEAM EVER CREATED EVER EVER BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER!! CNN!!" the announcer shouted. "HERE'S META KNIGHT!!"

"Thank you!" Meta Knight said, trying to bow, but instead rupturing his stomach lining. "Today the major parties have chosen their candidates, and are now running campaigns to get the vote! We've got a reporter covering each candidate and his campaign! So let's start with the Liberals, what's Pikachu doing?"

A cute picture of Pikachu rolling on the ground flashed onto the screen.

"Aww, that's so cute!" Meta Knight squealed. "Now what's the Party For Free Money candidate, Luigi, doing?"

The television went split-screen, and Pokemon Trainer appeared on the other side.

"Hello Meta Knight! Reports indicate that Luigi's campaign is going to focus on the crucial issue of giving everybody more money. The campaign has started somewhat shaky, because of allegations that Luigi has spent all his campaign money on gay magazines and strip clubs," Pokemon Trainer laughed.

"Where are these allegations coming from?" Meta Knight asked.

"The Liberal Party, so we know it's an unbiased and realistic allegation," Pokemon Trainer said.

"Of course! Luigi is obviously such a gay wad!" Meta Knight laughed. "And now, what's Dr. Mario, from the We're Better Than You and Should Decide Everything For You Party, up to?" Meta Knight asked.

"Thanks Meta!" Pokemon Trainer shouted. "Instead of telling you, I'll let my slave, Squirtle, tell you!"

Squirtle popped up. "Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle. Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle!"

"Sound's interesting!" Meta Knight said. "And it seems we don't have enough time to talk about the Conservative Party candidate, Mr. Game and Watch. Oh well, see you tomorrow!"

In the courtroom, things were cooling off. So now the judges were warring in the cold.

"I'm getting sick of these freaky temperature changes!" one of the judges cried. "Why is this happening?"

"The alleged temperature changes are not yet proven, and therefore action can not be taken until further proof is given!" another judge cried.

The judges continued to fight until there were only two left.

"There can be only one!" a judge screamed, holding his sword into the air as lightning struck it. He then fell over, dead.

"Does that mean I win?" the last judge cried.

"No" the judge said. "I can't prove their dead! There's not enough proof!"

The judge's head exploded, because he couldn't prove that he had a head, and couldn't prove that this existence was real.

Donkey Kong walked back into the room to see all the dead bodies.

"Did I win?" he asked.

"Congratulations!" the media yelled, as news people filled the room. "You're now the One Judge to Rule Them All!"

"My first act is to declare that all people deserve more money! The founding fathers weren't rich white men, and so rich white men shouldn't control our country! Instead, the country should be under the control of poor minorities who haven't been educated yet, and so haven't been brainwashed by the government of the rich white men!" Donkey Kong shouted.

Everyone gasped, groaned, moaned, and danced, in that order.

In the neighborhood where it all started, everyone was dancing in the streets. They were still on fire, but now they were dancing.

"We've won in the Supreme Court! We get money!" Everyone cheered.

"The Supreme Court has made its decision, now let's see them enforce it," Olimar said.

The FBI slapped Olimar and then ran around giving everybody money.

"Oh, since when did the Judicial branch get it's own army? That's not fair!" Olimar screamed. "Why can't I have an army?"

"Perhaps it's because they're all busy wandering around just about every other country on this planet, instead of here in this country where they should be?" Falco, the General of the Armies, said.

"Shut your face!" Olimar screamed.

"Yes sir!" Falco said, slamming his face shut. He was unable to breathe because of this, and so fell over and turned blue.

"Ha ha!" Olimar laughed. "You're blue!"

Falco was so embarrassed because he was blue. He was also dead. Silly Falco.

Olimar turned his attention to petting a Pikman.

"Where are we getting the money that we're giving everybody anyway?" one FBI agent asked.

"Simple, we're printing it!" another agent laughed.

"Where are we getting the materials to print it?" the first FBI agent asked.

"Simple" the other agent laughed.

We cut to the money-printing factory, where we see babies being thrown into a big machine. Blood splatters everywhere, and out the other side of the machine comes twenty-dollar bills.

In the one room where all political decisions are made, the candidates were debating.

"I like taxes!" Pikachu, the liberal, screamed.

"I like ignoring problems!" Mr. Game and Watch, the conservative, screamed.

"I like making problems!" Luigi, the free-money dude, laughed.

"I would propose a middle of the road system, where we tax people like crazy, then make a lot of problems, and then ignore the problems we made!" Dr. Mario, the smart one, yelled. "And I would like to call that system some kind of pragmatic mix of conservative and liberal. Something like 'compassionate conservative', or 'third way progressivism', or 'politics of meaning'."

"So you're proposing we all do a little bit of what nobody wants?" the other candidates asked.

"Yes!" Dr. Mario laughed.

"OK!" they all yelled in unison. "From now on, let's not have any different ideas whatsoever! Let's just bicker over issues that don't matter!"

In the spirit, Luigi started to pick on Mr. Game and Watch. "You have a big ugly nose, and you're two dimensional, and you're black!"

"Don't you dare bring my race into this you racist!" Mr. Game and Watch screamed.

"Hey, don't pull the race card on me! You're the one making this about race!" Luigi cried.

Mr. Game and Watch was frustrated, and walked through Luigi, cutting him in half.

"Oh darn, that silly goose just blew it for us!" the leader of the Gay Mafia cried. "Now how are we going to control the world and force our agenda, along with other things, down people's throats!?"

"It's ok, we've always got next election" Captain Falcon said, patting the leader of the Gay Mafia on the back.

Mario and Marth, in the sexy car stolen from Donkey Kong, ran over the Gay Mafia. "Yo, get in homedawg!" Mario called out.

Captain Falcon jumped for the car, but only made it halfway and broke his ribs. He then flipped out, slammed into the pavement, and slammed into a semi truck in the middle of an intersection, causing a 50-car pileup that could have killed black people. He was so intolerant.

Mario and Marth drove off giggling.