Harry and Hermione are in Deep Insane Crazy-Love!!
SUMMARY: Parody of all the Harry/Hermione romantic fics, you know the ones I'm talking about. No Bashing.
A/N: I was inspired to write this fic after reading another such one concerning Ginny/Draco. This is a parody, not meant to be taken seriously, but this is for everyone who's ever read, or written in their gushiest mushiest moments ( guilty) a fic like this.
A/N #2: The obligatory Harry/Hermione romantic fic "warning" There will be Harry/Hermione OOC, and this will be AU, Completely not following any time line, or semblance of logic because I'm an author….and I write fluff….right, so it's okay…yeah…
Okay, now on to the fic
On with the show
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Hermione Jean-Jane (she could never remember which was her real middle name so she finally decided to include them both for the sake of her sanity) Granger sat on the thick leather sofa watching a roaring fire. The flames rose orange and high, almost licking the top of the beautiful marble fireplace hand crafted by Dobby and the House Elves as a gift for her this term for becoming Head Girl.
Now Hermione was a studious, bright and generally all around smart girl – but her position of Head Girl was just thrust upon her one day by Professor McGonigal. The older witch simply pointed at Hermione the hallways between classes one day and stated: "Ms. Granger, you're Head Girl, because –well, never mind that, now please pack your bags and move up to the secluded tower three hundred feet above the other towers. Oh and it has it's own private balcony, servants and guilt bathroom so you won't have to deal with the common Gryfinador Riff Raff." McGonigal had paused there because talking out a sentence that long wound tire anyone out. "Also I've made Harry Head Boy because he gave me back my quill when I dropped it last night and he deserves an award. He'll have his own apartment next to yours and you'll be all alone up there, every night, we've even padded the walls with pillows so we won't hear any thing you two may do."
Hermione shook her head to clear it from that wonderful memory – the one that changed her life. She had quickly realized then that her feelings for Harry went beyond platonic- after all why would McGonigal put her and Harry together if she didn't suspect the wonder Hermione herself had? That she and Harry's names were meant to be scribbled in hearts on the front of her notebook.
The flames in front of her waved back from the sudden wind that came from the opening of the reinforced steel door – couldn't have just any Gryffandor coming into this sacred place – opened. Harry Potter stood there, one hand holding his beloved Firebolt, the light dancing off the straw on the broom's tail like a haunting light from a haunting lantern. Harry was still dressed in his gold and red Quidditch robes, mud caked around the edges from having yet again fallen off his broom to catch the snitch. Madame Pomfrey had given him his usual bed in the Hospital Wing, giving him her wand so he could heal himself with the spells he already knew so she could treat other patients.
Upon seeing Harry enter, his black hair tousled, muddy, his glasses askew Hermione dropped the 8 inch thick Hogwarts: A History book she had been reading, not noticing she had dropped the giant of a book on Crookshanks tail until the cat screamed and shot across the room like a pin ball.
But Hermione paid no attention to the cat, only having eyes for Harry James-Sirius Black Potter. He was dirty, he looked beaten, he brought out the "mothering side" in Hermione from the moment he walked into the room- He looked bloody gorgeous—Hermione giggled mentally at the thought Harry being gorgeous, but she couldn't help it.
Harry meanwhile was noticing that underneath Hermione's layered button up camisole she had a womanly figure, and damn nice one at that too—no wait he couldn't think about that, not of his best friend. And wasn't she Ron's never contemplated, never on-in the first place –off again girl something? Harry couldn't do that to Ron, this feeling was wrong; he had to get rid of it some how.
"Harry?" Hermione's eyes were full of sad concern, permanently affixed that way when ever looking at Harry so even if he had offered her twenty thousand pounds to read in the library for the rest of her life she'd still give him that look.
Harry could see her sweet Hershey-bar chocolate brown eyes pool with tears, and he suddenly started crying. "Oh Mione, we can't do this…it's wrong."
Tears escaped from Hermione's eyes and she let them fall away to the floor, feeling her heart got tipety-tap She always got emotional when he called her Mionie even though she rather liked her full name of HER-mione, because, well it sounded the way a grown-up would talk. But she always forgave Harry for using this pronunciation of her name because, well he was bloody gorgeous.
Without warning Hermione lunged herself into his arms and Harry returned her gesture by kissing her, roaming his hands all over her back, feeling for her elusive bra. When this failed he backed her into the wall, all the while muttering: 'I love you, I love you Mione, Jean-Jane Granger."
Hermione held him tighter, hearing all the words he had just said, feeling as though she would burst apart with glee. "Oh Harry, I love you too! I've always—"
"AH HA!!" The door suddenly opened with a loud – BANG! even though Harry hadn't closed the door, but whatever. Ron Weasley stood there like a giant, glowering at them, his horribly red hair refracting off every light in the tower. He jumped into the room furiously twisting a coiled black moustache – he had waited all summer to grow this for this moment.
"Hermione how could you?!" Ron strode right over to the couple, like he was their friend or something. "You, you HARLOT!" He made a move to grab Hermione's wrist but Harry thrust himself protectively in front of her.
"Back off my Mione!" Harry raised both fists in the air, not even thinking about, you know, being one of the most powerful male wizards of his age and using his damn wand.
Ron gazed at him in anger and pulled out his wand, pointing it at Harry's chin. "Mates no more!!"
"Agreed!" Harry's words were ice cold.
"No!" Hermione threw herself in between the boys. "Don't fight over me! I can't bear it!" She started to cry in a very dramatic, over emotional, over-the-top way.
Harry hearing this immediately hugged her "I'm so sowy, so very sowy my precious Mione, you deserve better!" Harry cooed to her in nonsensical babble talk that apparently smart witches like Hemione ate up like candy when distraught over a fist vs. wand battle to the death over her honor.
Ron was distraught as well, distraught and angry. Harry Potter was no friend of his. How DARE he take his Hermione away from him! He decided from that moment to forget their six-year history, all that they had done for each other, too late now! Harry Potter and Ron Weasley did not equal friendship!
"I'm no longer your friend Harry Potter and Hermione Granger!!" Ron stated the obvious in case Harry and Hermione didn't get it from the blatant display he had just shown them. "From now on I'll be distant with you, you two can't ever come to my house again! And Hermione, I hope you fail every exam!"
Hermione nearly fainted dead away at Ron's last cruel remark, clinging weakly to Harry's arm as he was now flipping off Ron.
Ron waved his wand in an angry circle and Disapartited from the Tower with a bright, hot "CRACK", even though Ron had never been able to Disapprtited correctly before that moment, he was just that out of control.
"Oh Harry!" Hermione buried her head into Harry's chest- nicely chiseled from years of Quidditch – bloody gorgeous indeed. "What will we do?"
"I don't know Mione," Harry answered sadly, holding her to him. "But I do know I love you and our love is strong."
"How strong?" Hermione asked, shakily, unsure of his words. "Harry how strong is our love?"
"Strong Hermione, Our love is so strong not even my fat cousin Dudley sitting on it would break it."
"Oh Harry our love that strong?!" Hermione now sounded excited for some odd reason at the analogy Harry had just used.
"Yes our love is that strong." Harry repeated.
"Strong is our love." Hermione smile was so large she felt her jaw dislocate. She hugged him impossibly tighter. "I never liked Ron much anyway."
"Me neither," Harry agreed. "I mean he's only be our friend for six years-"
"Prat." Hermione hissed. "He could've tried to meet us WAAY earlier then that."
"At least you Mione," Harry said suddenly sad, puppy eyes taking over his. "I was at the Dursley's."
"Oh Harry," Hermione said understanding. "I HAVE to come with you this summer and keep them from hurting my precious baby! We can get you new clothes, you've never been shopping in your life it'll help heal you from Voldemort's latest attack, I'm sure of it!"
"Deal," Harry agreed, trying to sound manly though he was crying. "We'll have to keep our relationship under wraps though, Uncle Vernon won't approve."
"Or better yet you could come home with me!" Hermione squealed. "My parents are rich dentists to Prince William and we've been invited to Buckingham Palace in June! Daddy said I could bring a friend, and you can meet my 6 year old twin sister with the missing leg and the glass eyes that I've kept a secret from my best friend for years and years!!"
Harry suddenly smile brighter then Hermione had ever seen, and she knew it was because of her. "That sounds perfect Mione!! We are so wonderful for each other!"
"Yes we are!" Hermione exclaimed just as happily, forgetting about having just ended a deep-rooted friendship with Ron Weasley. She suddenly yawned. "I'm tired."
"Me too," Harry yawned, suddenly feeling the overwhelming need to sleep in his dirty Quidditch clothes. He flopped down on the over stuffed leather sofa and Hermione immediately curled up next to him, spooning herself over every inch of his body.
The happy couple fell asleep this way, lost in a haze of complete utterly happy, content excitable love - the best kind ever.
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Now sorry if I may have offended anyone, but….I was cracking up through many moments of writing this. I've read so many fics like this it isn't funny. I'm a H/Hr fan and I DON'T Ron bash, so this is an un biased ficlet on those fronts--soo many fics like this, Ron as evil Harry as too coo-ey when he's overprotective to a Hermione who can't stand up for herself…so why not have a laugh over it?
I leave you, with this to judge for yourself.