kaesaku: wrote this chapter late 2006… I have no idea why I posted it just now…

Warnings: yaoi, NaruSasu/SasuNaru, surprise pairings, poor attempt at humor, weird family members, un-beta-ed.

(although I have a beta now – Simple-Minded Idiot – we'll start working together soon!)

Standard disclaimers apply.

I Do, I Don't:

A Shotgun Wedding

by kaesaku

Prologue: The Proposal

"Narutooooo!"

A young man of 18 felt a burst of fear shot through his spine as he recognized the familiar voice yelling his name in an unfamiliar matter.

Everyone called him clueless, much to his dismay. But this time, he felt the gravity of the abhorred nickname weigh him down.

What the hell is wrong?

Question marks popped, dancing around his head.

He took a deep breath and braced himself. Rarely did the old man get hyped up about something, and he was sure that there was something that the man was hyped up about for him to call out in an almost negative manner.

The young man exhaled sharply and opened the brass doors that led to the study of the old man of the house. An easy smile graced his face and hoped that no one near heard his heart go thump-thump. A little too fast, in his opinion.

The easy smile vanished easily when he was greeted with the sight of not just the old man, but the old man's spouse, for lack of the better term (because using wife would most definitely shorten his lifespan), as well.

"Naruto," the cold voice acknowledged him.

The young man, Naruto Uzumaki, smiled nervously.

"Uncle Orochimaru... I wasn't expecting you here..." he trailed off.

Yep, most definitely not a wife.

"Well, something very important has come to our attention," the older man replied icily.

"Aa," Naruto started. "Wonder what that is..." He scratched his head and tried hard to think of something, anything, that he might have done to cause this impromptu gathering. He turned to the other man, the big, white-haired man, looking a bit too stern for his own good with his arms crossed and his lips set in a grim line. It wasn't like him to look like this...glum. That was his spouse's part. He was supposed to be the loud and jolly old man.

"Uncle Jiraiya?"

The man addressed narrowed his eyes and shot the younger one a hard glare.

In Naruto's opinion, that was the last straw.

"Will somebody just tell me what's going on?!" he nearly yelled. "I came here and both of you looked like somebody died. Or killed someone. What the hell!"

He wasn't really a man of patience.

The thinner of the two older men gasped. "Jiraiya, how dare he yell at us! After what he did..."

"What did I do?" Naruto pressed. "Because I sure as hell don't know!"

"Naruto, you brat!" the bigger man bellowed. "After all that we've done to you and your family, you repay us with...this?"

More question marks popped.

"With... what?"

"Jiraiya, he is feigning innocence," Orochimaru gasped for the second time.

Jiraiya moved forward and for a second, Naruto was tempted to run and hide under his mother's skirt. After all, his mother could effortlessly punch the guts out of Jiraiya. But he knew that the old man wouldn't act like this without a good reason. He just hoped that he could find out the reason soon.

"How could you do this, Naruto?" the old man asked.

"Well, if you could kindly tell me what this is..."

"...how could you do this to our baby?"

The burst of fear that shot through his spine had completely paralyzed his body.

Baby?

Naruto thought he had an inkling of what's happening.

At the word baby that tumbled out of the old man's mouth, he knew he was being set up with probably some shitty conspiracy that only a bastard he knew so well could think of. After all, that same bastard was the same baby of the two men. And if these two were mad at him for something that the baby mentioned, then there's a great chance that it was not true, or if it were, exaggerated to piss him off. Now, what that thing he supposedly did to upset the two older men was something he still can't quite get at.

The young man stopped the urge to roll his eyes.

"What did I do this time, Uncle Jiji?"

"Him, apparently," his other uncle icily replied.

"Wha-?"

Suddenly, as if a light switch was turned on, he finally saw the clear picture glaring rather brightly at him.

Impromptu pseudo-family meeting...

Tense environment...

The mother, err, spouse, snubbing him more than usual...

The father looking absolutely murderous...

"Oh. Oh, hell no!" Naruto frantically waved his arms. "I didn't- we didn't- never!"

Jiraiya shook his head. "I expected more from you, Naruto."

"But I didn't-"

"At least take responsibility for your actions!" the other man hissed.

"But-"

"I trusted you!" The white-haired man held him firmly by the shoulder. "How could you defile our precious baby?"

"But-"

"Oh, this is too much," the paler man sighed. "My head..." He rubbed his temples.

This caused Jiraiya to loosen his grip on the young man. "Come, dear, sit this one out," he said as he helped Orochimaru to the couch. "I'll deal with this... backstabber!"

Orochimaru gasped. "Oh, don't say that!" He waved his hand disdainfully. "My baby... backstabbed at such a young age!" he exclaimed scandalously.

Naruto turned red at the implied meaning of the statement. No way did he ever imagine that he'd skip right through the birds-and-bees talk and go straight to the homicidal overprotective talk slash parental death threats.

It's all that bastard's fault! Whatever did he tell them anyway...

"Look, Uncle Jiji, at least hear me out," he pleaded desperately. "Whatever he told you, I'm sure it's not-"

"Are you calling our baby a liar?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean..."

Jiraiya glared hard at Naruto. "You really disappointed me, brat. I would have never thought..." he trailed off and sighed dramatically. "Our sweet, sweet baby... pregnant at the tender age of 18..."

"Pregnant?"

Naruto swore he fainted, hit his head, died, and went to heaven. Or hell.

Orochimaru gave that long-suffering sigh again. "His bright future... gone in an instant!"

"Pregnant?"

The two older men looked pointedly at him.

Naruto looked back blankly. And then burst into laughter.

"Nyahaha! You really got me there, Uncle Jiji!" he laughed. "You, too, Uncle Orochimaru! Who would've thought you guys have such a sense of humor!"

The two men still looked pointedly at him.

"Do we look like we're joking?" the thinner of the two spat.

Naruto promptly stopped laughing. They did look serious. Plus, the way Orochimaru looked like he was going to extricate his internal organs and sell them on the streets didn't help either.

"Whoa, wait. Look, I honestly don't know what you're talking about..."

"Feign innocence again, brat, and I'm two steps from ripping your right arm..."

Naruto gulped. He made a mental note to not get Jiraiya angry ever, at any costs. He loved his limbs, thank you very much.

"But, I..."

"Now who's gonna want our baby? He's been defiled! Oh, Orochimaru! Our baby, robbed of his dreams!"

Orochimaru nodded then turned sharply to Naruto. "There's only one way to solve this." A determined glint appeared in his eyes. "You have to marry our baby."

Naruto swore he fainted again, hit his head again, died again, and this time, definitely went to hell.

"Yes!" Jiraiya's voice echoed. "Marriage is the answer!"

"Nooooo!" Naruto shouted. "This is a mistake! You can't do that!"

"We just did."

"How could you just believe that I did that? You have no proof!"

Jiraiya growled. "Our baby cried! Cried! An action that is very foreign in this family!"

"That does not mean anything!" Naruto yelled frustratedly. "Look, we're not even together! We never dated! Or worse, slept together!" He huffed short bursts of air. "And most important of all, have you checked your baby's anatomy lately? He can't exactly get pregnant!"

"You insolent boy!" Orochimaru stood abruptly knocking the coffee table. "How could you say he can't get pregnant? May baby and I have the same body structures and I got pregnant! Twice!"

Naruto thought he might faint from that bit of information.

"Brat, you have no say in this matter," Jiraiya said, calming down a little. "It's settled. Marriage. That's the only option."

"But-"

"We took care of you, educated you, and helped your family financially, especially with your mother's... gambling problems," Orochimaru said in an annoyed fashion. "The least you can do is own up to your actions."

"But-"

"Be grateful that we still consider you as family despite this. If not, you would've been in pieces now."

"Uncle Ji-"

"Leave now, brat! Before I change my mind and use a bread knife on your neck!"

Naruto, too stunned to react, left the study blindly. He vaguely heard the brass doors clicked shut. He leaned at the wall. He needed something to support himself or else he would have just crumpled ungracefully to the floor, especially after hearing the verdict of his nonexistent crime.

"I'm going to get married..." His head whirled, his lungs stopped releasing air for a moment, and his legs gave out. "...to Sasuke Uchiha!"

- o -

A certain raven-haired boy smirked smugly to himself as he heard faint sounds signifying that his plan was put to action. He went to his drawer and eyed the small bottles lined up orderly. He hummed to himself as he decided which bottle to use, finally deciding on one that was labeled African Plum. It was blackish in color but when striked by light, revealed a violet tinge to it.

Perfect.

He shook the bottle a bit, twisted the cap, and proceeded to paint his nails.

Nail polish. His cheap thrill.

He continued to hum as he painted his nails, but stopped when he sensed a presence in his room. He looked up and narrowed his eyes at the man leaning casually by his door.

"I see that you're causing trouble again, little brother," the man coolly said as he strode toward the raven-haired boy.

"What're you doing in my room?"

"What're you doing with my nail polish?" The taller man smirked.

The smaller of the two quickly closed the cap and threw the bottle towards the other who caught it swiftly with one hand.

The owner of the room regarded him with irritated eyes. "It's not my color, anyway," he hissed, resembling one of his parents with the action, as he grabbed the bottle of polish remover and some cotton balls. He scrubbed hard to erase the nail polish on some of his fingers.

"Door's that way!" he spat out venomously.

The older man smirked at him lazily before letting himself out of the room. When he was sure that the older man was nowhere in sight, the raven-haired boy stuck his tongue out, a childish manner that was very uncharacteristic of the usually impassive boy.

"Stupid Itachi," he said before sticking out his tongue again.

He cleaned his nails well, not leaving a trace of that ugly nail polish he just used. Never mind that he gushed about it a few minutes ago. If it was Itachi's then he'd surely hate it. Anything his older brother liked worked in an opposite way for him.

Besides, who cares about Itachi anyway? He had better things to think about than his loser brother.

Like Naruto Uzumaki.

He smirked as he remembered the plan, his plan, that was most probably happening at the moment. He couldn't wait to see the look on the idiot's face.

In a few seconds, he was sure that the idiot will sought him out. As if on cue, he heard heavy footsteps approaching his room followed by a banging on his door.

He cleared his throat, "Come in", knowing all too well who was going to barge in.

Then, there he was in all his blonde glory, looking confused, angry and murderous. His murder intent obviously directed to the raven-haired boy. He mentally snickered.

"You- you-" the blonde at loss for words, still in shock, incoherently started.

"Well, well, well..." the raven-haired boy smirked. "...if it isn't my soon-to-be husband."

- tbc -