And a huge shout out to SpunkleMcCats for noticing my glaring error. Which I corrected today :)
Number 9: I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
Professor Snape did not appear at the Head Table for meals for the remainder of the day. Nor all day Saturday. Or Sunday, for that matter. When he finally came swaggering into the hall on Monday morning followed by a stiffly walking Lucius Malfoy jauntily swinging his Pimp Cane from side to side, Galleons were surreptitiously exchanged by the enterprising students. Wanting to gloat that he had won three Galleons off the fact that Lucius was, indeed, the bottom in their recently consummated relationship, Theodore Nott's smile turned into a perplexed frown as he realized that neither Draco nor Harry were actually present at the breakfast table.
As one, Ron and Neville ducked their heads in shame. Blaise grinned. Seamus snorted, not bothering to stop eating breakfast, and Dean directed a pointed look down the table at Ginny. Who promptly blushed scarlet, lowered her head, and hid behind her long red hair. Lavender noted all of this and repeated the question. "Harry? What did you guys do to Harry?"
"I COULDN'T HELP IT!" Ron roared. He blushed as red as his hair and resumed staring at his breakfast in fascination until the attention of the Great Hall left him. "Harry's nutters," he finished weakly.
"Seriously!" Neville savagely buttered his toast. "I mean, I know Draco's a vampire and all, but does he need to bite him every night? And quite so loudly?"
Parvati looked unimpressed. "You still think Draco's a vampire?" She rolled her eyes, holding up a hand to stop their pathetic spluttering. "Whatever. What did you do that you need us to fix for you?"
"It was Ginny's idea," Ron muttered defensively.
Ginny's head snapped up as she sent a vicious glare in her brother's direction. "What! You bastard, you practically begged me for help. Besides," she continued defensively, "Harry came up with the password."
"Password?" Parvati and Lavender exchanged confused glances.
Hermione and her bodyguards entered the Great Hall just then; heading over to the Gryffindor table looking out of sorts and annoyed. Well, Hermione did at least. Crabbe and Goyle just glowered threateningly and shoved students out of her way. "Why can't I get into the Prefects bathroom?" she greeted. "Has Dumbledore revoked the privilege in retaliation for losing control of his educational system?" Her brown eyes gleamed fanatically. "Doesn't he know retaliatory gestures are against the law? I'm owling my solicitor."
Seamus gave her a besotted smile, offering her a fresh croissant. "You tell him Hermione. Tell him good. Harry gave me a present. Want to come back to my rooms with me and play?"
Dean smacked his friend on the back of his head. "Hermione," he explained patiently. "Life isn't one big conspiracy theory. Did you, perhaps, ever think that the Prefects bathroom being locked and warded had nothing to do with you?"
Crabbe cracked his knuckles and glowered at Dean's tone. Hermione patted him absently as she nibbled on her breakfast. "But who would be using it for the entire weekend?"
Ron and Neville hunched their shoulders in an attempt to hide in their breakfast. Ginny sighed, putting down her fork and grabbing a cup of tea. "Draco was starting to get performance anxiety," she announced.
The table stilled in disbelief. "Draco? As in Malfoy? Draco Malfoy?" Lavender looked like someone had told her Christmas was cancelled. "But he can't have performance anxiety! He can't! He's…" she gestured bemusedly. "He's Draco Bloody Malfoy!"
"Oh!" Ginny reached across the table and squeezed the blonds' hand supportively. "Not that kind of performance anxiety! No, no. That's all in working order." Lavender, Parvati, and half the upper year Gryffindors sighed in relief. "See, every night Harry and Draco have a contest to see who can be the loudest, and that's adorable. But then," she stopped for dramatic effect, "Lindt chocolate cancelled their intense cherry flavor." A collective gasp hushed the girls. Ginny nodded sadly.
"That's it?" Ron looked around the table in confusion. "What's so bad about cancelling some stupid chocolate flavor?"
"It's not just some stupid chocolate flavor, Ron." Hermione bit out through gritted teeth. "Lindt chocolate is…" she trailed off, a dreamy expression on her face. "It's firm and soft and velvety against your tongue. You don't want to suck too hard and end the experience too soon. No no. You lick it gently, savor the taste and texture. And then, at precisely the right moment," she shivered lightly, "it bursts across your tongue in an intense and satisfying rush."
Lavender let out her breath in a rush, rubbing a hand lightly against her neck. "It's orgasmic," she breathed.
Parvati nodded. "Better than sex sometimes."
"Exactly." Ginny sighed. Ron's head whipped up from his plate to stare at his baby sister in horror.
Seamus was staring at Hermione; flushed and panting lightly. "I'll find some for you;" his voice was hoarse. "I'll get you lots and lots of Lindt chocolate." Hermione blinked, seeming to come back to reality, and took a long drink of tea.
Neville watched the whole scene in fascination. "And not having this chocolate hurt Draco? Because he's a vampire?"
"No." Ginny rolled her eyes in disgust. "It hurt Draco because it was his favorite flavor! The espresso, pistachio, and coffee intense he has stocked up just couldn't alleviate his craving. He was losing the drive to annoy Harry's roommates and Harry was getting worried. So, he thought up something more perverted to make Draco happy again."
"I know he left the dorm but I don't know where he went." Neville looked perplexed. Seamus and Dean snorted. "What did he do?"
"He created his own little Den of Iniquity."
Ron blinked. "His own what?"
"Err…" Ginny bit her lip. "I'm not really sure what it means. But the title made Harry so happy and Draco so smug I didn't want to question them." As one, all the upper years turned to look at Hermione.
She sighed, placing her cup precisely back onto the table. "A Den of Iniquity is defined as a place of immoral behavior. Usually of a sexual type." Her eyes gleamed. "And there has been one in this school for three days now and the Headmaster remains ignorant? Interesting, very interesting."
Parvati started to laugh. "They formed their den in the Prefect's bathroom?"
Ginny nodded. "And they gave me the password. They created divisions in the room and charge students a Galleon for every five minutes they want to watch. If a student pays for twenty minutes, they get to take a free shower before leaving."
"You think people will pay money for Harry to make Malfoy moan?" Ron shook his head, grabbing a piece of bacon. "You're all delusional."
Ginny smiled sweetly. "I've made five hundred Galleons in three days." Ron promptly choked.
"The ball gag was inspired," Daphne Greengrass joined the conversation looking rather flushed.
Pansy joined in as well, shaking her head. "The silk ties and the blindfold were my favorite. Who knew Draco was so flexible?"
Neville looked at Pansy in shock. "You pay to watch them together?"
"Of course not," Pansy waved the question away dismissively. "Anyone who can produce the intense cherry flavor gets a free five minutes." She smirked at the table. "Draco's been my friend since we were four. I can manipulate him into anything with the right motivation. I have a LARGE stash hidden away."
"You dirty slut," Lavender gave the Slytherin a look of deep admiration.
She nodded regally. "Thank you."
"And sometimes Draco is the one to make Harry moan," Colin added dreamily. "The way Harry's back arches when he's being spanked…"
"I talked to my silent partner," Ginny reached across the table to pat his hand. "We can extend you a line of credit with a three percent interest rate, provided it's paid off in full by next Friday."
"Who's your silent partner?"
"Me." Luna dropped into the seat next to Ginny and smiled dreamily at the wall before turning to Hermione. "And Harry says he'll donate twenty percent to your cause if you'll wait to report him to the press until Wednesday. If you wait until Friday, Ginny will tell you the password and you can have unlimited ogle time for free until then." Hermione nodded agreeably.
"How did you become a silent partner?" Dean looked fascinated.
"I was explaining to a third year about how Harry and Draco kissing was an erotic display of lips and teeth and tongue." She shrugged absently, reaching to dribble maple syrup in Ron's hair as he concentrated on his breakfast. "Harry overheard me and told me he'd give me the start up capital if I wanted to become an author." She added a dash of salt to Ron's hair for good measure and leaned back to admire her creation. "Apparently, Luna Lovegood is the perfect pen name for a romance writer."
"Plus," Ginny added, joining in and adding puffs of whipped cream to Ron's hair. "Nobody expects Luna of being capable of treachery. She's perfect."
Luna looked at the table sadly. "I hope Harry concludes his sexual stimulation soon." She ignored the sounds of Ron once again choking on his breakfast. "I do so miss his tea."
The bell rang. Ron took one last bite before hurrying away from the sex talk. They watched him go with amusement. "See you at lunch," Colin told Ginny eagerly before rushing away.
"Friday huh?" Hermione looked thoughtful as her bodyguards collected her bag and books and cleared a path for her down the hall. "What's the password?"
Dean looked at Seamus enviously. "How did you wind up with the kinky girlfriend?" Seamus staggered down the hall; his pupils rather dilated.
Ginny giggled, pulling Hermione into an alcove and standing on her tiptoes to whisper into her ear. "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."