Disclaimer: Batman belongs to DC Comics and Warner Bros.

A/N: This drabble was written for the "Friends" theme at batfic-contest(dot)livejournal(dot)com.

Dead Weight

"No, no, NO! HARLEEEEY!"

A petite blonde blur cartwheeled into the room, finishing with an impressive double back flip. She smiled smugly, proud of her flawless acrobatics, and slipped on a banana peel she had tossed on the floor earlier, landing flat on her back on the cold warehouse floor.

"You rang, Red?" she said as two full-grown hyenas trotted obediently toward their fallen mistress and began licking her face.

Her view of blinding lights (that Ivy insisted were necessary for her plants) was soon blocked out by red hair framing an equally red, enraged face.

"Look at what your filthy mongrels did to my babies!" Ivy shrieked.

Harley managed to sit up, rubbing her spine. Ivy was pointing toward a corner of the abandoned warehouse that was "off-limits" to her.

"Huh," Harley said, "I don't see nothin' but some bits of leaves."

"Exactly, you twit! Your stupid mutts tore my plants to shreds!"

"Well, you can't blame them, Red. Those new plant thingies of yours looked just like kitty-cats, and Bud and Lou are so bored cooped up here. They just wanted to play."

"You idiot! Those prototypes were going to be tiger-sized killing machines ferocious enough to tear Batman's head from his neck!"

"Aw, cheer up, Red. We'll just grow some more, and we'll be kicking the Ratman's butt in no time!"

"Do you think Chloro-Felines grow on trees?! That's three months' work down the drain!" There was a green vein throbbing in Ivy's forehead as she rifled through some drawers. "There's only one thing to be done…" she said.

"What's that?" Harley said dumbly.

Ivy turned around, holding up a shot filled with deadly looking green fluid. The needle gleamed in the bright lights menacingly. "Time for the mutts to be put down!" She lunged for the nearest hyena.

"Red, no!" Harley cried, jumping up and grabbing at Ivy's legs. The two of them fell over. "Don't do it, Ivy, please!"

Tears were forming in Harley's eyes as Ivy yanked her leg out of Harley's grip. Ivy looked at her trembling face and sighed. "Oh, all riiight," she conceded.

"Yay!" Harley cried, flinging her arms around Ivy's neck. Ivy shrugged her off, and stomped away.

"I don't know what you see in those mutts anyway. They're dead weight—dumb, useless and always getting you into trouble. You'd be better off without them."

"Aw, you don't mean that," Harley said fondly. "Mistah J couldn't always make time for me, being the busy genius he is,"—Ivy rolled her eyes—"so whenever I got lonely, I had the babies to keep me company. They're my friends. Ain't you ever had a pet, Red?"

Ivy snorted disdainfully, and began cleaning up the mess the mutts had made. Harley grinned and cartwheeled into the other room, followed by a loud crash and high-pitched yelp. Another banana peel, no doubt.

Ivy shook her head, and allowed herself a small smile. Perhaps she understood how Harley felt about those dumb mutts after all.