A/N: WARIO IS BASED OFF OF SAM! WOOT! You know that I must be an unbelievable jerk-face to write this. I apologize for Wario's OOC-ness,.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Phat Fat Jokes
Wario was strolling down the mansion's long hallway, snacking on a twinkie and humming a tune.
"Hey-a Wario!" Mario called after his grotesquely fat double. Wario swiveled around slowly. He saw Mario walking towards him, and Luigi was trailing behind him, snickering devilishly.
"Oh no..." He moaned and hid his half eaten twinkie behind his back, expecting the worst. "Hey man..." Mario waved a bit as he reached Wario's side. His friendly smile seemed false. Mario opened his mouth to say something, but Luigi brushed past him.
"Hey Wario!" He began obnoxiously. "You're so fat, that you're gross!" Luigi then burst out laughing. He rolled around on the floor, clutching his sides. Wario sighed and brushed the crumbs of food away from his mustache. It was the same every day, unkind people bombarding him with unbelievably lame fat jokes. It made him extremely self-conscious. Mario nudged Luigi with his foot. "Uhh... That wasn't what I was going to say..." Mario looked up at Wario apologetically. "I meant to say..." Wario grew hopeful, perhaps this wasn't a cruel world after all.
"That you're so fat, you're SUPER gross!" Mario's sheepish expression broke into one of evil and obnoxiousness. He too began to roll with Luigi, hooting and slapping his knees. Wario blushed, then dashed into the closest room, and locked the door.
Inside the room where Wario hid, something happened. He thought about the world and all of it's hatred. How people laughed and shunned him because he was different. He thought about how he couldn't really have a conversation with anyone, well... one free of fat jokes. He finished his twinkie, Peach had been kind enough to offer up some weight loss tips, so he thought about those.
"Hm..." He pondered. "I could lose weight! I'd be cool, and thin... and ALL of the girls would love me! That's it!" He smiled, entertaining himself with the thought of being fit. "Hm..." He pondered some more. "I wonder if I could get anymore tips..." He continued to think out loud. "Oh! I know exactly who to go to!" He lifted himself up off of the ground. He brought the half-eaten twinkie to his mouth, about to scarf it down, but then he stopped, and threw it in the trash.
"OWAH Mah GOWD WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSAPPENIN Wario!" Crazy Hand greeted Wario in his usual way.
"Hey CH, I have something to ask you... any tips for weight loss?" Wario plopped himself on the ground in front of the hand, a notepad and a pen in his lap.
"WELL..." The hand continued to ponder. "EHEH! I'VE GOT IT!" He then flung himself all over the room, shaking the entire mansion as he did.
"Yes?" Wario readied his pen.
"MAN BOOBS, MOOBS! THE MEANING OF LIFE!"
"I already have man boobs."
"THEN YOU ARE COMPLETE!"
"I want to be fit."
"USE MAN BOOBS!"
"Well..." Crazy Hand's obnoxious yelling ceased. "You can't really be fit. You were designed this way. You see, you see, no matter how many twinkies you consume, or miles you run, you'll never change."
"That's bull." Wario concluded, tossing his notepad over his shoulder.
"NO IT'S MAN BOOBS."
"Wait. I have man boobs."
"THEN YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BE THE GREATEST."
"You're fucked up."
"THAT IS WHY I'M CALLED SUSAN!"
"Wait. I thought your name was Crazy Hand."
"..." Crazy Hand paused, pondering over something obnoxious to say. "MAN BOOBS!" He screeched again.Wario was already out of the room, disappointed with Crazy Hands inability to focus on something other than man boobs. So Wario remained fat and huggable. And those who dared to tell a fat joke in his presence were instantly crushed with a motorcycle.
MORAL: Be happy with who you are. YES I AM CLICHE.
A/N: Dedicated to Sam. Stop asking me to help you lose weight, do it yourself! I don't like this story, it was just an excuse for Crazy Hand to appear. Hah. I bet you were expecting a thin Wario and a training montage. NOPE.