Author's notes: so, i decided to do a short Kaim/Sarah, cuz i'm feeling the love for that pairing, and i've been thinking how tough it must be for the immortals, mainly Sarah, not to remember their pasts. As always, the disclaimer: i don't own Lost Odyssey, but i do love it.
It was hopeless. Sarah had upturned every bookcase they had owned at their mansion in Tosca. She had collected every diary she had ever written, which was a incredible amount, considering the amount of time she had been alive, and the things she had seen.
Sarah had locked herself into one of the airy cabins of the White Boa, eager to try and unlock her memories. She dreaded the thought of facing Gongora again, and losing any chance of ever remembering. If such a thing were to happen, it would at least give her some confidence to know that she had remembered some of her past before fighting him.
That, however, did not seem to be working to plan.
None of the others knew that she was locked away, poring over her old diaries, she hadn't told them, especially not Kaim. He might appear indifferent on the surface, but she realised that if he knew she couldn't remember anything about their past, about their love, that it would crush him inside.
It was painful, to know that she had loved him, but not knowing why, or when her feelings had arisen. All she knew was what was written on the pages in front of her. She appeared to be no more than an actress in a play, taking her cue from the script in her hands.
It seemed illogical that the other immortals had all almost fully regained their memories, whereas her's were still fragmented. She knew how much she longed for these memories, so it couldn't be that she was repressing them.
The crinkled and yellowing pages of her diaries held the details of past events in her life, soaked with memories she could not recall.
Such a wonderful thing has happened today! Kaim and I got married, and it has easily been the most joyous moment of my life, all the 1000 years. I have waited for this moment for what feels like an eternity, and the moment he proposed to me, seemed like the culmination of all my dreams.
I think he is the only man I have ever loved. Since coming here, I have been searching for my fellow immortals.
They have all done so well for themselves; Ming is now the Queen of Numara, Seth is a famous pirate, and Kaim is a mercenary.
To be honest, I was a little surprised at how eager he was to shed his old, warrior image, and embrace a quiet life, in a secluded village, with me. He has always had hidden depths, which no man could ever compare to. I had my share of offers, but my thoughts always drifted back to Kaim.
His heart is locked away so deep, and I don't think it's arrogant for me to say I am the one person who can cause those emotions to surface. And he, he makes me so happy. Each day, I wake up and I'm so glad to be immortal, simply because it means I can spend an eternity with him, discovering all there is to know about Kaim Argonar, and feeling completely at ease.
For a few days now, I have been thinking about the possibility of Kaim and I becoming parents. I haven't discussed my feelings with him yet, but I'm sure he would love to have children. He'd make such a good father, someone our little family could always depend on.
It's exciting. I won't mention it just yet though, because tonight is our wedding night, and I want to celebrate us.
Sarah gazed at the words on the page. She could tell the entry had been hastily written. No doubt she had been eager to spill her thoughts onto the page, her excitement at the thought of a lifetime with her new husband, eager to share in new experiences with him.
A salty tear slid onto her lips. She could read the words in the diary, she could even try and build a mental picture of the scene, but she couldn't replicate what she felt then.
When a person reads a diary, they should feel a sense of nostalgia, and the emotions on the page should speak to them, unlocking deeper parts of the memory the individual had thought forgotten.
For Sarah, these words did nothing but frustrate her. She didn't feel anything. Only her own disappointment at not remembering how hopeful she had been, how excited, how consumed by love for Kaim. When she was in his company, she knew that she had loved him dearly, and so she displayed affection, but it wasn't the same as feeling that passion first-hand.
It was as though she would have to fall in love with him again, only this time it was far harder. He already loved her, he remembered their experiences, he wasn't having to start from the beginning, only she was.
Sarah wondered if she was even the same person she had been before. If a part of her had changed, she wouldn't know it, and Ming or Sarah had not seen her for a long time before Gongora took their memories, so they wouldn't know. Only Kaim would be able to tell if she was still the woman he knew before, still the woman he had loved and wanted to spend his life with. Sarah doubted he would have told her if she had changed. He would have known that such a revelation would make her distraught. That did not help to ease her worries though.
Sarah gazed up at her image in the mirror, slightly blurred by her frustrated tears. She searched the woman in the mirror for some hint of who she was, or the memories that were hidden beneath the surface.
What she wanted, was to meet the Sarah who had existed before her memories had been locked away, and to ask her what she was like, what she enjoyed, what she hoped for, how she loved Kaim.
The consolation was that Kaim was at least, in her present. Even though she didn't remember him, she could hope to build a picture of her love for him, and discover all his secrets again, as they were now doing with Cooke and Mack. The one person who she longed to remember was her daughter, Lirum. She hadn't seen her daughter since Lirum's childhood, and now that she was dead, her memories were the one place where she should be able to see her daughter, and experience the overwhelming love a parent should hold for their child.
It was bitterly painful trying to remember. Sometimes small things would trigger some fragmented memory, part of a larger whole, but because it was only a small part, it made little sense and she would have to search endlessly through old diaries to find a full account. It still gave her such an elated feeling when she understood them, and knew why little things Kaim said, or Cooke and Mack did, triggered those pieces of her memories. Though it was never a full picture, it may eventually be one, and it was better than nothing.
Many things that happened to her seemed new. For example, even though most grandparents would see something their own child had once done, mirrored in their grandchildren, Sarah often felt as though she were seeing it for the first time. The same sense of nostalgia and recognition did not accompany it, as it sometimes seemed to for Kaim.
When she thought about it, it was possible that the memories she craved, in fact, no longer existed. It was possible that Gongora had completely erased them, but highly improbable, as the other immortals had regained their memories. This thought kept her fighting to uncover her own past.
Sarah realised, the most important thing she could do for now, was have patience. She may not be able to fully experience the emotion that accompanied reading her diary, but that may come later, and was far better than having no knowledge of her past, and who was important to her. It helped her to understand herself, and who she had been before.
What she must do now, was discover what in the present, made her love Kaim. Once she had done this, maybe the memories would flow naturally.
Sarah flicked through the pages of her diary, the pages falling open to a unique entry. Lodged into the spine of the book was the wilted petal of a flower she recognised. She gently gathered it into her hand, gazing at the delicate item. This must hold some sentimental value, to have kept it so long.
She could feel a memory rippling beneath the surface of her mind, waiting to be uncovered. Sarah wondered if she should read the entry, or whether she should wait and see if the memory was revealed by itself.
Maybe the first few lines.
Lirum was out playing at the Northern Cape this morning. She went out there with Kaim, but I think she gave him the slip. Sometimes the quiet life is making him lazy!
She was only gone for a couple of hours when she came running back to the house, calling for Kaim and I. Of course, he was still out, but I stopped my reading and went out to see what the commotion was.
Lirum was so excited, claiming to have found something beautiful at the Northern Cape and insisting that I go and see it with her...
Sarah froze, images forming in her mind. It was not the usual sequence, where her mind assumed what had happened based on what she had read. A scene was unravelling in her mind, following on from what she had read.
She clutched the petal in her hand, overcome by an exhilarating feeling. She was engulfed by a rush of emotion that was not linked to her current mood. It was a memory, the images were knitting themselves together in her mind, a memory of her daughter.
Lirum had grasped her hand in her own small hand, pulling her mother urgently up to the Northern Cape, as though whatever was there might disappear at any moment.
As they had reached the cliffs, Sarah had noticed there was nothing different about them since she had come here with Kaim, many times before. They always remained the same. Lirum, however had led her mother over to where a cluster of unusually beautiful flowers were blooming. The small girl had dropped to her hands and knees, peering at the extraordinary flowers.
Sarah had crouched beside her daughter, a knowing smile on her face.
"Do you know what these flowers are called, Lirum?" She had asked gently.
The young girl had shook her head, eager to here about the true nature of her little discovery.
"These flowers are special, they're called 'tenderflora'," Sarah had continued. "They're special because they make people happy, just by being around them."
"Wow!" Lirum had gasped with amazement. "Should we pick some for dad?"
Sarah had shook her head. "No, the reason why they make people happy is because they are allowed to grow on their own. If we took some, there wouldn't be any left to make other people happy, would there? Why don't you bring you're father up here tomorrow to show him?"
Lirum had nodded enthusiastically as she took her mother's hand, the pair of them wandering back down towards the house.
The vividness of the memory was astonishing. Usually, it was just snippets of hazy memories, but this time it had been as though the memories in her diaries had been converted into images, which felt personal, and filled Sarah with a torrent of different emotions. This was the kind of moment she had been longing for. A piece of what had been stolen from her.
There was a quiet knock at the door, followed by a low, curious voice. "Sarah?"
It was Kaim.
She quickly wiped her eyes, leaping to her feet and throwing the door open. They stood, staring at each other for a brief moment, before she threw herself at her husband, wrapping her arms around him, burying herself in his embrace.
"Sarah?" He asked, surprised by her sudden outburst and her tear-stained face. "What's happened?"
She laughed joyfully, pulling away and gazing at her husband. He pulled his stare from the pile of diaries on the bed to her beaming face, his own face almost expressionless. Well, expressionless to most people, but Sarah was beginning to realise once more how to see the emotions he wasn't wearing on his face.
"Do you remember when Lirum first discovered the tenderflora?" She asked.
Kaim nodded. "Of course... but you remember that?"
"Yes!" Sarah gasped ecstatically. "I remember, and not just from reading it in my diaries. I found this."
She opened her fingers, revealing the crumpled petal. Kaim's eyes shimmered in recognition.
"I saw it, and the images returned to me. They returned, Kaim." She smiled. "I think I'm starting to remember, finally."
He gazed at her softly, and she realised that he had always known that she was struggling to remember, but he had waited, because he knew that she could. She was the same person she had always been, and their love had been constant. It had just taken her longer to realise this.
She leaned up to his face, brushing her lips against his. She was beginning to see what had caused her to fall for this man. It was still lonely to not remember the important events and feelings that he did, but it just made Sarah all the more grateful that he was her husband, because he could help piece her memories back together, and in doing so, she could be whole.