Harry Potter and the Midnight Snack
By: reves d'enfant
Disclaimer: I un-claim all settings, locations, characters, vegetables, and dumpsters in this story. No wait… the dumpster is mine.
One morning, Harry decided that he wanted to go to the store. He had a strange desire to purchase some celery. Normally, Harry wasn't one to eat vegetables. They were a nasty aspect of life that he preferred to ignore. He would much rather eat tasty food, like pie, cookies, and cake. Harry really liked cake; it was possibly the most scrumptious food on the planet. The sugary icing and caloric goodness was forever a heart-attack too delicious to pass up. But as he sat at the kitchen table at Number Four Privet Drive, staring at Dudley Dursley's birthday cake, he simply had to have celery. It was as though some parental unit had placed a healthy food device in his brain.
Disgusted with his vegetable craving, Harry got up from the table and made his way to the door. He stopped in the front hallway and grabbed a five pound note from his Aunt Petunia's purse (she would never notice) and silently opened the front door. He walked out on the street, trying to remember the way to the grocery store and decided to go left, figuring that he could always ask whatever random person he happened to pass on the street. Of course, Harry didn't give any thought to the fact that it was four in the morning on a Sunday, and that no one in their right mind would be awake, let alone walking around on the streets.
After wandering aimlessly for half an hour, Harry stumbled upon the wonderfulness that was the neighbourhood grocery store. Finally, he could fulfill his yearning for celery. He eagerly approached the doors, his mouth watering at the thought of the crunchy green plant. When he realized that the store was not open yet, Harry became very angry.
"Bloody store!" she shouted, pulling out his wand. "I don't care what time it is! Citizens should be able to purchase vegetables at all ungodly hours of the night!"
Harry proceeded to kick the doors, grumbling under his breath about Muggles. To his surprise, someone tapped him on the shoulder.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a voice cautioned icily. Harry wheeled around to face the newcomer, brandishing his wand. "You'll break your foot."
It was Snape.
"P-Professor," Harry's voice wavered. "What are you doing here?"
Snape rolled his eyes and glanced at Harry's wand, which was still pointed at his chest. He reached out and shoved Harry's arm downward with an annoyed expression.
"You know you shouldn't be flaunting that around here, Potter," Snape commented. "And you certainly won't be able to get into this Muggle store by kicking it."
Snape began to walk to the back of the building, motioning for Harry to follow him.
"Um…Professor?" Harry called, jogging to catch up to Snape. "Why are you here?"
Snape ignored him and stopped in front of the dumpster located behind the store. He pulled out his wand and began muttering inaudibly while prodding various points on the lid. Suddenly, a door appeared in the middle of the dumpster. Harry stared at it, openmouthed and shocked.
"You think you are the only one who craves a midnight snack, Potter?" Snape questioned, gesturing toward the door. "You see here the secret entrance to your wildest dreams. Every midnight snack you can ever imagine."
"Will there be celery?" Harry asked enthusiastically.
"Shut up," Snape stated, walking towards the door. "I'm taking you down here and you are going to get your damn celery, and then leave. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir," came the reply. Snape glared at Harry and then opened the door in the dumpster.
Snape's wand shone a light into the passageway now before them. Harry could now see that there was a set of stairs that looked like they went very far down. He hesitantly followed his Postions Professor and began to descend into the abyss.
"You will soon be entering the Cave of Sugary Wonders," Snape informed him. "Do not touch anything until I tell you to, understand?"
"Will there be celer-"
"SILENCE!" Snape roared, turning to face him. He shone the light in Harry's face, narrowing his eyes simultaneously. "This is no joke. The Cave of Sugary Wonders is a very dangerous place. You must not touch anything until I tell you. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes sir," Harry gulped. Snape turned around and began descending the stairs once again. Harry was very confused. He had never heard of this alleged 'Cave of Sugary Wonders' and was pretty sure Snape was up to something sinister. Why else would he be hanging around Little Whinging grocery store at four in the morning? It just didn't make sense.
Harry continued to asses his situation until they reached another door. Harry turned around to see how far down they had come, but he could not make out any sort of light at the other end, whatsoever. He was pretty sure that if Snape extinguished his wand, they would be enveloped in total darkness.
"Don't move," Snape said flatly. "I am going to open the door. Do not move, and do not touch anything."
Harry stood as still as possible and watched with immense curiosity as Snape turned the nob and slowly pushed open the door.
A strange creature popped out from behind the door. It appeared to be some sort of small man. He had a white beard and wore a tall, pointy red hat. Harry had never seen anything like him before in his life.
"My name is Radimikins Bobblekanger Luciger Upanfflapogous Smith," he stated, while grinning obnoxiously. "You can call me Radim for short."
Harry stared at the individual before him with a mixed expression of shock, confusion, and disbelief.
"Good evening, Radim," Snape said with a bow. "I seek entrance to the Cave of Sugary Wonders. Will you kindly let us pass?"
Radim's freakish grin widened.
"What is your name?" He asked, cocking his head slightly to the left.
"Oh for the love of-" Snape muttered exasperatedly.
"What is your name?" Radim repeated happily.
"Severus Snape," the potions master stated with a note of boredom in his voice.
"What is your quest?"
"To find the Cave of Sugary Wonders," Snape's voice went completely monotone. He folded his arms in annoyance.
"What is your favorite color?"
"Very well!" the creature chirped happily, trotting through the door. "You may come in!"
Harry was glued to his spot, still in utter disbelief at the scene that had just transpired before him.
"What the hell was that?" He demanded, grabbing Snape's arm, just as he was about to go through the door. Snape wrenched his arm away and glared at Harry.
"That," he stated. "was a lawn gnome. Now kindly follow me, Potter"
The young wizard dutifully followed his teacher, not wanting to know any further information. They were led through a long, stone corridor by still-grinning lawn gnome. It was lined with torches that were not lit, but still mysteriously gave off light. Harry began to wonder if this alleged cave actually existed. He had never heard of it, and he had certainly never heard of lawn gnomes. All he wanted was celery, and this was getting to be a bit ridiculous. Harry was sure they were miles underneath the grocery store, and his stomach was beginning to grumble. Just as he was about the turn around and go back, they reached to another door. Harry tapped his foot impatiently as Radim began to fiddle with a ring of keys from his belt.
"Any moment now!" Radim grinned as he tried key after key.
"What is going on, Professor?" Harry whined. "I just wanted to get some celery!"
"Shut up, Potter," Snape declared flatly. "I'll have no more of your nonsense. I graciously decided to show you the most sought-after treasure of the Wizarding World and all you can do is complain about a vegetable! Now, kindly shut your mouth or I will blast you into oblivion!"
Harry instantly fell silent and watched Radim continue to insert keys into the lock. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, the lock clicked!
"Thank you very much for your services, master lawn gnome," Snape said reverently, bowing to Radim. "It was certainly a pleasure."
"You are quite welcome sir!" Radim replied, nodding his head. He swiftly began walking back down they corridor they had just walked though.
"Now, Potter," Snape began. "Do you remember the rules?"
"No touching," Harry stated.
"Correct," Snape answered, disappointed to not have another opportunity to yell at Harry. "Now follow me."
Snape led them into a small room that was completely bare except for a table and two chairs. The Potions Professor approached the table and sat down in one of the chairs, indicating for Harry to do the same. As soon as Harry sat in the chair, a plate filled with celery immediately appeared in front of him.
"CELERY!" Harry cried, and reached to grasp one of the long, crisp stalks of green deliciousness.
"STOP!" Snape yelled just as Harry was about to pick up a piece of the celery. "I said not to touch anything, you insolent fool."
"Sorry," Harry apologized, lowering his hand.
"I get to eat mine first," Snape stated, biting into his hamburger. "Delicious. You may proceed."
Then Harry ate his celery, and it was delicious.
A/N: I wrote this while slightly drunk. I hope it amused you.