Reflections of the Moon

Spoilers are for all for Cardcaptor Sakura, particularly the manga. Know the manga ending, or this will make little sense.

I do try to avoid using Japanese in my fics, but sometimes English just feels wrong, or there just isn't an English equivalent for a phrase. Consequently, this note:
"Ojama shimasu" is what you say when entering someone else's house, it means something like "I'm being a nuisance."
"Tadaima" is approximately the equivalent of "I'm home".
"Anou" is "um" and "hai" is "yes". I apologise in advance for using the above.

Reflections of the Moon
By Flamebyrd

Kinomoto Fujitaka regarded his laptop with a small degree of frustration. It was a nice little machine and perfectly suited to his needs. He sometimes found himself wondering how he'd managed without it. He wondered how the infamous magician Clow had managed in his own time, without these modern conveniences--

The lecture, he reminded himself. He began to type, muttering as he did so. "The architectural structure of the ruins, atypical for the period, is suggestive of..." Of what? His chain of reasoning faltered. He closed his eyes, ignoring the brief flash of the moon that followed. A memory, he told himself. Simply a memory.

Even if it was one that didn't belong to him.

He resorted to setting his thoughts to paper. Maybe that would involve fewer distractions. "Suggestive that..."

"Ojama shimasu!" came a familiar voice. Despite having moved in two months ago, Yukito still hadn't moved on to using "Tadaima" when entering the house.

He put down his pen. "Tsukishiro-kun, can you come here for a moment?"

A few seconds later, Yukito entered the room. "Hai, Kinomoto-san?"

Fujitaka smiled, somewhat nervously. "Anou, this is going to sound a little strange coming from me, but may I speak with your other form?"

Yukito's eyes widened with surprise, but he nodded and closed his eyes, allowing the transformation to take place.

Yue gave Fujitaka a long look before moving to perch on the edge of the desk. "You are the other half of my Master's reincarnation," said the Moon Guardian, arranging his robes and hair as he sat.

Fujitaka nodded. "So I am told."

"Why did you want to talk with me?"

He gave Yue a searching look. "I thought I remembered nothing of my previous life," he said, after a while, "but last night I dreamt of a Tudor house, a winged lion and a silver-haired angel." He gave the Moon Guardian a small smile. "It intrigued me."

Yue glanced at him. "I can't help you, I know little of dreams," he said coolly, folding his arms.

Fujitaka leant forward, ignoring the other's cold demeanour. "Yue-san, you loved your Master very much, didn't you?"

Yue looked away, with no reply.

"I also know what it is to lose someone I love with all my heart. I wondered if, perhaps, you would like to talk to me about him."

Yue looked slightly startled. "You want me to talk about Clow. Why?"

He gave the Moon Guardian a friendly smile. "I don't think it's something you have really discussed with either of my children, right?"

Yue shook his head.

"But, if you miss a person, it sometimes help to remember them how they were when you loved them. It doesn't stop it hurting, but it helps you heal, a little."

Yue looked down at his hands. "He never loved me. He wanted me to forget him."

"He loved you very much," corrected Fujitaka, gently. "But to him, you were always his child."

"He didn't. He wouldn't stay for me. He left me."

"I don't pretend to know why he did that, Yue-san. But it wasn't because he didn't love you."

"How do you know that?" said Yue, quietly. "You don't remember him."

"I'm a father, Yue. I saw how he treated you two in my dreams. He loved you very, very much."

Yue looked at the floor. After a long time, he managed a tiny "thank you".

Fujitaka laughed. "It must be somewhat confusing for you, having Sakura-san as your new master."

"She wants to be my 'friend'," said Yue, frowning.

"Wasn't Clow-san your friend?" he asked, curiously.

"He was my master. We were close, but..." Yue's voice trailed off.

"There was always a certain amount of a distance between you?" Fujitaka prompted, quietly.

"I think..." began Yue again, "that there was a gap. A huge chasm caused by the simple fact that he was my master and I was his creation."

Fujitaka considered that. Recollections of second-hand thoughts ran through his mind. "Perhaps he thought you loved him too much?"

Yue turned sharply, to look at him with wide, hurt eyes. "How could I love him 'too much'?"

"Perhaps he felt that he wasn't worthy of such devotion." From what he had seen of Clow, that seemed the most likely explanation.

Yue stared at him. "How could he be 'not worthy'? He was Clow Read. He created me. I love him."

And it was exactly that attitude, of course, that was the problem. Fujitaka decided to drop the subject for now. "Would you like some tea?" he asked, hoping it didn't seem too random. "And I think I still have some cookies left over."

The Moon Guardian blinked at him. "I... don't eat."

He wondered at this sudden urge to ruffle Yue's hair. Perhaps his past life had more influence than he thought. "It won't hurt, Yue," he said, encouragingly.

Yue's head jerked up.

Fujitaka blinked at him. "Did I say something wrong?"

"Just.. just for a moment, there, you seemed like my Master," murmured Yue, looking away again.

Fujitaka put the plate of cookies down in front of him. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

Yue stared at the cookies, and then at the cup of tea he was given next. "I think..."


"Perhaps I need to. A little."

Fujitaka waited patiently. The best way to deal with Yue was to be patient, he knew.

"He used to sit with me," began Yue, hesitantly. "He would talk to me for hours, about magic, and science, and people. He told me the story of Cinderella, of Rapunzel, and Alice in Wonderland. He never expected me to talk, but I always listened. I loved his voice when he spoke to me." He blinked, suddenly, and then seemed to shake it off, although he didn't stop talking. "He would answer my questions when there was something I didn't understand. He taught me about the moon and its phases, so that I might understand my power.

"He took me outside and showed me the stars..." Yue fell silent.

Fujitaka had seen that in his dreams. The Magician Clow and his two companions, nestled beneath a bare sakura and gazing at the sky above, as Clow pointed out the constellations and related each of their stories.

He recalled a borrowed memory, of Yue's hair flowing silky smooth between his fingers as he cradled the Moon Guardian's head in his lap. Cerberus, his purr a throaty rumble, as he curled up beneath the tree with a bowl of sweetmeats. Yue, standing to go back inside, a beautiful angel bathed in the light of his namesake. It was a time that had filled Clow with happiness. Fujitaka wondered how he had convinced himself to give it all up.

"It was Sakura and To-ya's mother, wasn't it? The one that you lost." Fujitaka was slightly startled to hear Yukito's name for his son coming from this somewhat ethereal creature so similar, and yet so different, to the sunny youth his Touya loved.

He nodded in response to Yue's question.

"Tell me about her."

Fujitaka smiled in memory. "She was a very beautiful person. Not just physically - she had a beautiful heart." He chuckled. "She was always falling over things. The first time I met her, she fell from a tree right in front of me. She gave up so much to be with me, but she never let me feel guilty for it. I loved her very much," he added, just for emphasis.

"You must miss her," said Yue, hesitantly.

He nodded, appreciating the sentiment. Besides, it was only fair that Yue should not be the only one talking. "When she died, I was devastated. For a while I wondered what there was left to go on for. But then I realised that she'd left me with two beautiful children, and I've tried to be the very best father for them that I could. I see her in them more and more as they grow older, in their looks and personalities... They're what I've lived for, ever since."

Yue looked thoughtful. "My Master left me with a purpose and I've fulfilled it to the best of my ability. Except for... one thing. I could never love Sakura the way I had loved Clow. And my false form..."

"Chose my son, ne?"

Yue glanced at him. "You do know, don't you? About your son and... Yukito."

Fujitaka smiled. "I've known for a very long time. Longer than they have themselves, I expect."

The Moon Guardian looked at him questioningly.

"Touya had to learn that loving a person doesn't necessarily meant they will ultimately hurt you," he said, by way of explanation.

"I don't think Yukito would be able to hurt a fly," said Yue, delicately.

Fujitaka laughed, softly. "It wasn't like that. I think what happened with Mizuki-sensei hurt him so much that he couldn't trust anyone, even if he knew better. It made him afraid to open his heart to another. I was very worried for him, when she came back. Even though I knew he loved Tsukishiro-kun, I don't think he quite realised."

"Yukito loved Touya practically from the moment they became friends," said Yue, slowly. "It... puzzled me."

"Love at first sight is a very rare thing," said Fujitaka, seriously. "No one understands why it happens, it just does. It doesn't make you a bad person for not understanding," he added, somehow sensing what Yue wasn't saying about his feelings on the matter.

Yue frowned, but Fujitaka fancied he looked a little less cold now. "Love is a weakness, is it not?" asked the Moon Guardian, seeming somehow more insecure now, like a small child who desperately wanted an answer.

"It depends on whom you love. If the person you love is worthy of your love, it is a strength."

"Clow thought love was a cure-all-fix-all," said Yue, with a slight edge of bitterness.

"I don't think," he said, slowly, "that he had ever really experienced that kind of love for himself." Yue gasped, softly. Fujitaka looked at him sharply. "Which is not to say he didn't love. But he never experienced the kind of selfless devotion we're talking about."

"You think that is how Touya feels towards Yukito?"

He smiled. "I know it. And you should, too. After all, it is how Tsukishiro-san feels for Touya-kun. And the proof is in what my son gave up to ensure your continued life."

Yue's expression shifted to something more pensive. "I would that Yukito had never found out the truth about his creation," he said, more to himself than to Fujitaka. "He knew sadness, then. Yukito shouldn't have to feel sorrow."

Fujitaka assumed his best lecturing tone, tempering it with a paternal smile. "You can't hide behind Yukito forever, Yue. You can't make yourself happy by watching him be happy. Give yourself a chance to find your own happiness. It's worth its own reward." Yue's shocked look made him want to giggle like a schoolboy. Perhaps that was also Clow's influence.

"Tadaima!" The front door slammed.

Yue looked somewhat panicked at Touya's voice and instantly began the transformation into Yukito. Touya entered the room just in time to catch Yukito as he fell. Yukito's eyes fluttered open and he blinked at Touya in confusion. "To-ya," he said, bewildered. "When did you... Why...?"

"I don't think Yue likes me all that much," said Touya quietly, confirming that he knew what had happened.

Yukito looked less certain of that, but didn't comment on the topic just then. He sat back in a kneeling position and tapped Touya on the nose admonishingly. "He liked you plenty much. Because you're To-ya. He couldn't be a part of me and not feel some kind of affection for you."

Fujitaka smiled at them indulgently, and decided to let them have their private time together. They'd forgotten about his presence, anyway. He'd done what he could for Yue. Now it was simply left to his son to show Yue the true meaning of love.

Nadeshiko gave him a glowing smile and a 'V' for victory as he returned to the study to attempt more work on his lecture. He gave her a smile of his own and picked up his pen again. "Suggestive of the influence of several cultures in the area." Even if nothing else had come out the conversation, at least he didn't have that dream nagging for his attention any more.