Title: Jewliosis
Pairing: Wilson/Cuddy
Rating: PG-13
Summary: House diagnoses Wilson on his current...happiness.
Disclaimer: Not mine so stop rubbing it in...


"Wilson, I have come to diagnose you" House said, shutting the door behind him with a rather loud clash. A startled Wilson looked up at House, standing ever so casually in front of his desk. Fear plagued him momentarily, his knowing defenses not able to withstand House's imperishable glare.

"Hmm" Wilson said, trying his best to play out the nerves that were beginning to surface. He couldn't trust his voice and settled for the casual fluffing of a stack of papers and placing them into his desk drawer. "That's funny... because...I wasn't aware that I was sick let alone in dire need of a diagnosis"

"Oh on contraire...you have Jewliosis"

Wilson blinked and knitted his eyebrows together. "I have what? Jewli-what? I've never even heard of that!" Wilson said completely dumb founded, his face contorting into a quizzical frown.

"The symptoms fit to a T. Declining of coming over, "busy" days" House adds with air quotes, "and the worse symptom of all...smiling. Sure sign of WWWS"

"Now it's my turn...and I know I'm going to regret saying this but...care to elaborate?"

"Wicked Witch of the West syndrome"

Wilson tried to hide his gulp but he knew it was fairly useless. House had him figured out, to a T. Well it is House after all he muses to himself. But how he can come up with such a bold and accurate conclusion always leaves him in awe. He cleared his throat and eased himself into his chair.

There's no point in denying it...

"Ok..." he exhaled deeply, "so I'm going out with Cuddy...big deal"

House's eyes went wide in sheer amusement. "Big deal!? Are you kidding me? You're tapping the dean of medicine! You could get me out of clinic hours" House mused out loud, taking a seat.

Wilson rolled his eyes and placed his hands across his chest. "I highly doubt that my relationship with Cuddy could get you out of clinic hours, and by the way I don't think you need much help in that department. You seem to scheme your way out of it one way or another."

"You said relationship, which means that it's well past the dating point and into something serious. You didn't correct me on tapping the Wicked-"

"Can we stop calling her that?" Wilson interrupts.

"Ah, getting a bit defensive on the pet names. Are you mad because she calls you pookie?"

"We haven't had sex if you must know...and we've been dating for about 1 month and a half"

"Seriously?!"

"No".

"Ah, back to this game again. So...since I must know"

"I didn't ask you all these questions when you got with Cameron"

"That's because I didn't want to elaborate"

"And you think I do?!"

"Well...we've gotten this far into the conversation...why stop now?"

Suddenly there's a short rap on the door followed by Wilson's hesitant 'come in'. Cuddy strode in with her head buried into a folder, not noticing House sitting there. She shook her head as if to say 'ah great' at the current situation plaguing a patient.

"James, Mrs."

"OH! First name basis" House shouted startling Cuddy. She darted her eyes back and forth between them as if some tennis match were to have been taking progress and swallowed.

"House...what are you doing here?" Cuddy smiled, despite her surprised state.

"I came to say good night to my bestest buddy, but it seems that he says that to you instead"

He avoided his gaze in typical Wilson fashion as House smirked self satisfied and grinned.

"2 months, 3 weeks, 1 day" House said confidently, pushing himself up from his chair.

Cuddy placed her hands onto her hips. "How did you?" she asked completely drenched in pure puzzlement.

"That's when you first began glowing"

"I was not...glowing" Wilson responded.

"You're becoming defensive"

"Your being an idiot"

"Hey! That's my line"

"Well you were"

House strode to the door and opened it. Halfway out he stepped back, lingering between the doorframe.

"She just wants you for your little Jimmy's. Watch out. After sex the praying mantis bites the head off its mate. Cuddy has distinguishable features in relation to it, the eyes, the constant need to bug you...oh snap" House let out a chortle, "awesome pun. Come to think of it...I don't think a praying mantis has boobs and an ass like that unless you feed it like steroids or something. Be careful Wilson and may the force be with you" And without a final retort regarding what House had said, Cuddy took it with a sneer and watched as House almost bounced to the entrance.

She stepped into the room and rounded Wilson's desk, standing prominently in front of him. With a simple quick arch of an eyebrow she leaned forward and brushed her lips against him, feeling his tongue slide into her invitingly. They separated and Cuddy licked her lips erotically.

"Do you know how to treat Jewliosis?"

She knitted her eyebrows in confusion and cocked her head.

"It's fine I could live with it"