I am war!
Dark clouds started to form overhead the moment my foot left my doorstep. My eyes glanced skyward a second after I felt the first drops of rain. In a few moments it was as though the heavens collapsed as a torrential downpour was brought to my feet, soaking my clothes, my hair, everything. But yet I didn't mind. It felt right, like nature itself was corresponding with the mood I was in.
Plus it was rain…he hates rain.
Streaks of lightning crackled and struck as I made my trek through the neighborhood. The darkness of the sky continuing to consume all the further I moved. People stopped and parted way as I approached. Cars halted completely every street I crossed. It was like every person and everything knew the steel of my determination. You either made way or got caught in the winds of my fury.
I wasn't some troubled misguided teen from the local hi-Skool. I was an entity, an act of nature, a conduit of black vengeance and I wouldn't stop till my devastation was served.
With little time my target was in sight. I spotted his tiny green house wedged in between two other buildings like a parasite. When I stepped inside the boundaries of his yard, I noticed the stormed overhead brewed even more furious, lightning bolts pounded the pavement like a hammer every step I took.
I spared a glance to the quartet of lawn gnomes that decorated/guarded his home. I knew if they turned even the slightest towards my direction their destruction would have been ultimate. But they didn't budge, not one inch. I paid it little mind though, because my objective wasn't too far now.
With a few more steps I was at his door. My blood was boiling, my was heart racing. I could feel my fists tightening at my sides, anticipating the havoc I was about to reap. 'This was it,' I said to myself and for a brief second I felt a bit of apprehension, but I stamped it down quick. His destruction was needed…no, it was necessary.
My foot cocked back, anxious to kick-in the door to begin the terror, but before I could act the door swung open by itself and from the darkness inside two blood red eyes peered out, staring directly back at me. A streak of lightning crackled just that instant illuminating the red orbs making them look more ethereal, more formidable then all the denizens in hell.
Then from out the blackness Zim stepped into the doorway his eyes still locked onto me. He was without his disguise again, arms clasped behind his back, looking every bit just like that day so many weeks ago that brought so much ruin to me. But yet…
…It was different.
His eyes…they were different for some reason. They betrayed nothing, neither joy, anger, nor surprise…simply nothing. His eyes held such an ease that was nearly unnerving. It was like at this exact point in time he knew exactly where he was supposed to be and what he was supposed to do.
The only hint of apprehension I saw from him from his stance. He kept himself firmly planted in the middle of the doorway, not allowing any part of him to touch the droplets that were raining down from the sky. Yet he also wasn't retreating even though he was in so close proximity to his elemental killer.
Noticing that, I snapped out of my spell as I remembered the reason why I came here to confront him in the first place.
I felt like I should have been saying something now to break the silence, but it would have been cheap. I didn't need to say a damn thing to him because he knows why I'm here. It's his fault I'm like this. It's his damn fault that things are crazy for me now.
And in an instant the fury of my emotions flared up again, I felt my fist tightening at my sides. 'Hit him!' I shouted to myself. 'Hit him and don't stop, then this will be nothing but a stupid memory,' I was right. My eyes harden the longer I looked at him. The agony, the torment I felt these past weeks, it was all his damn fault! And he had to pay. He had to pay ten fold for everything he caused me! 'Hit him and this will be over!'
He was defenseless. He didn't put up a guard or anything, in fact his arms fell to his sides lifeless as if he were a stringless marionette. Zim then moved, his hands turning upright his arms open. Almost welcoming…me?
The furious voice inside my head was fuming, wanting blood, wanting me to act, and yet I didn't know what to do and those damn eyes! Without his disguise he had no pupils but God, it looked as though he was staring only at me. Like out of everything that existed in his life, I and I alone was the only thing that mattered. Why does he constantly make me feel this way? Feel special?
'Hit him…' The voice continues…
Those damn calm, stupid, warm, moronic, caring eyes keep staring at me.
I can't take this anymore. The pain… The confusion… The helplessness… The heat… The want… The caring… The fury… The misery… The lust…
All these things swirl inside me, consuming me. I can't think clearly anymore, I can't breathe. Help…help me!
'HIT HIM, DAMMIT!!'
I just shut my eyes; I shut myself out. I shut Zim out. I shut them all out and I finally act!
The sun started to shine. The clouds started to part. The birds started to sing. And the world continues to move.
I open my eyes to the beautiful world that's blossoming around me and I realize that everything hasn't swallowed me whole, that my confusion and anger hasn't torn me apart from the inside out. I hear a familiar sigh, which draws me to the presence beside me and I come to a realization, I must be mad. I must be insane! Because I'm in his arms, I was holding him and I wasn't letting go. When I could breathe again, I felt his arms slowly wrap around me.
He was so warm…
My God, I forgot how warm he was…
I then balled more of him around me as I breathed in his familiar scent. And suddenly all the anger, all the fury I previously was feeling faded away, because I realized now what answers I was searching for all this time. I kept thinking I was asking myself, "How?" How could I feel this way about him? How could I let him in so close to me? But in truth what I was really asking myself was, "Why?" Why him? Why did it have to be him of all people?
But maybe, just maybe, the "Hows" and the "Whys" don't matter and the fact that "I do," is all that's important. …Yeah, I think I like that a lot more.
I hear his voice softly whisper to me, "Zim waited…" in the space of his words I remember the promise he made me three weeks ago, 'Zim will wait. I will wait for you, Gaz.' And he did.
In that moment I can't help thinking how much of a fool I've been this whole time, because he knew. He knew all this time. He knew even when I myself fought, clawed, and nearly obliterated everything to prove wrong what I've secretly wanted all along.
What we both wanted…
How can someone that's not even native to this planet, still know me better than members of my own family? Better than I know myself.
After he said that, I looked up into his eyes. For the passed three weeks I believed everything in my life was a complete and utter hell because of him. But looking into his eyes now, I saw three weeks of longing, of agony and most of all loneliness. He kept himself away, despite how desperate he wanted to be close, all because he somehow knew it was time I needed.
He could he be so right? How could he care for me so much?
"I know," I said to him, "and I'm so, so sorry…" my voice is weak and vulnerable. I wanted to cry. Fuck, I've been crying. I just didn't realize it till now, I buried myself deeper into his embrace as my tears flow and he simply lets me.
I look up at him again and a faint smile touches his lips. Standing this close to him, being held by him, the pieces from all those weeks ago fall into place again. Despite the difference in his appearance, his exotic touch still burns something inside of me. His warm yet firm body makes me lose grasp on all thought. It makes me realize my pure want. I kiss him, because I almost forgot the feeling and I never want to ever again. I kiss him again and don't stop. He doesn't either.
With a few guided steps we're inside his house. I hear the faint hiss echoing from his lips as his hands run through my damp hair. God, I'm still soaked from the rain, but he doesn't seem to care regardless. My lips finds purchase with his neck, so with every bit of pain he experiences, my lips equally reward him.
"Gaz," I hear him purr my name as I devour a particular sensitive part of his collarbone. I whisper my wants, my desires for him. I want him to touch me like he did before. Make me feel like I was special and the only thing precious in this world.
We move and then we're in his living room where he slowly strips me out of everything I wear. His slender fingers roam, caresses every inch of my body igniting it into bliss. I fall back against his couch and I laugh when he nibbles on my neck calling me, his Little Gaz.
I cannot tell you how many hours drifted by while we remained on his couch. Just a mixture of kisses, caresses and just simply holding brewed through us. He took so much care whenever he touched me that for the first time in my life I actually feel cherished. I don't care that my breasts aren't bigger, that the curve of my hips aren't fuller, that I'm not all the things that people list as being beautiful… All I want is for him to keep looking at me and keep holding me. It's all I want.
His couch eventually makes a low clicking sound. We're soon bathed in a parade of lights as we descend farther down into his home. The forever journey continues till we finally reach his bedroom where everything that takes place makes all of that occurred in that broom closet all those weeks ago seem small, trivial even insignificant in comparison.
But I can't share the rest of with you. I'm sorry…
This is my peace? Is she?
Numerous hours have passed and yet my eyes continue to watch the gentle rise and fall of her stomach as she rests silently beside me. My finger draws a thin line up the pale white skin of her slender arms all the way up to her soft shoulders. A small contented sigh escapes from her full lips… For a moment I fight the urge to taste those lips again, but she needs to rest so I simply pull the crimson sheet back over her.
For reasons I cannot explain watching her like this, so peaceful, so at ease, is very soothing to me. I don't think I could ever tire of the act. My mind continues to analyze all the events that occurred hours ago and I continue to come to only one conclusion; Contentment.
This beauty, this hideous, destructive, radiant, sinister beauty, she brings stillness to me. A peace that I've never once experienced in my life, yet I can't help feeling the electricity that continues to course through me, like potent battery goo. The brilliance of my mind seems to be sending out a thousand impulses a second. Every moment as I continue to lay with her, the most inane thoughts come to me, but the ones that tend to be most prevalent are the ones that revolve around making her happy.
I've seen the myriad of emotions that played on that soft face: rage, contempt, sadness and bliss. In lingering moments, before fatigue finally claimed her, she told me I was the first person she smiled for in many years. And during this act we've committed, this relationship we somehow hashed together, I realized a smile, fits her best.
The Prime directives instilled in me from my Pak, continual tell me that this feeling, this want to care and provide for another is only a self-destructive weakness. Dozens of images of my ruined, icky hurt body flood my sights in five-minute increments, my Pak providing insight of what a future might bring if I continue to pursue these emotions.
Even my own research from several Earthling databases has provided such painful information on the horrors of affections; breakups, depression, stalking, abuse, suicide. So many dismal tales, that it made my horror for salted meats seem trivial.
Can it be true?
Can affection, caring, only bring pain and hurt to one another?
"Doubts?" a clear voice cuts through my clouded mental deliberation. I look up and her eyes are on me, open with so much intent that I can see my reflection in her chocolate irises. Even nude with a little more than a sheet to cover her, there is still a presence, a power within her that nearly makes me want to go running screaming into the night, or bow down beg in fealty.
I clutch my head as if it was in pain, "Zim's amazing mind must be infected by cranial jellies from Planet Spect. Never a thing Zim wanted, he received! Everything Zim tries for, he never gets, but you!" I say pointing to her.
As her knees slide up to her chest while she listens to me, I take a moment and realize; Zim makes a lot of rants.
"I feel like you're the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me," I pause for a moment and answer my own question. "Best. You're still the best, but Zim still doesn't understand was it logic or insanity that motivates his actions?" I sigh while taking a breath, "Honestly, I usually have a hard time dividing the two? If it was logic, how could I be so reckless? If it was logic, how could I've known your heart so well?"
Her eyes bore holes in me and I realized I was rambling again. "I'm lost," I finally manage, "I've done research and I know this tends to be a common act among your people. But for Irkens it is not so…"
The moment my mouth closes, instantly I realized my error, because her open gaze was splashed with the most squeedily-spooch wrenching pain, that I felt as though I, Zim was actually wounded. Her face then twitched into the most hateful glare imaginable. "Well don't worry," she snapped back while rising to her feet. "It was just something we both needed out of our system," she coolly spits out, "It will NEVER happen again." I watch her take her first step away from me, which surely will doom the beautiful thing we both shared hours ago.
'SAY SOMETHING IDIOT OR YOU'LL LOSE HER!'
My hand snapped out faster than the impulse my brain commanded it to move, grabbing a hold of her hand. "Damn it, you hell spawn of a woman," I curse, "Can you not see this moronic Irken cares for you, deeply!" I'm still new to these emotions, but by Tallest, please let her see how sincere I am.
Somehow I think Red and Purple favored me this one time, because she turned and looked at me as I continued, "Zim's just…I'm just scared! I don't know what this all means!" I could not have been more honest than that.
My Pak is going haywire. You're never supposed to expose a weakness to anyone, but Earth be damn, I don't care anymore. I just want her!
"You scare me too, you know," she admits softly and I'm without words speechless. She looks down at my hand. She slowly slides my three-digit grasp into her hand, till I'm holding hers, just like she's holding mine. She looks up to me again, the chocolates of her eyes present again. "I don't do this…with anyone," she comments and I knew this without mention. Her restriction against allowing people to be close to her, is fiercer than my own. But whatever her reasons she let me in and if need be, I'll make the whole world burn to keep her there.
My free hand rose, lightly brushing against her cheek. She gently sways into my touch, sighing from the tender motion. She then joins me, crawling into my lap. A flash of heat fills me as I feel her soft flesh pressed against mine. I have to try to calm my baser instincts or I might ravage this poor girl. Instead, my lips lay a small claim on her shoulder as we sit in a companionable silence.
I continually fight over one last detail about my dilemma, but eventually my nerve wins out. "It's not only that…" I begin to say. I see the soft rippling of her violet hair as she turns to me. "Zim keeps seeing things…" I cannot say more, mainly because I don't know how my Pak will react to its nature being revealed. "What are you supposed to do when everything from your home world is telling you that this is wrong?" I paused while holding her up her hand, the contrast between the two of us as clear as her five-digit hand in comparison to my three.
I am Irken, not native to this world. I'm assigned to destroy anything and everything for the good my empire. She's a human, beautiful, strong, a detriment to all that is good about her race. The union between us would never be natural, much less normal. My assignment, her laws, nothing in this world would make what we forged here in these walls, unproblematic.
Gaz smiles at me as if the answer was plain as day, "You just say, Fuck the world…" she grins while pressing her lips to mine and I realized that probably everything will be ok.
She is my peace…