A/N: This was originally written for the PW Kink meme on Live Journal. I am quite proud of it and have only just remembered that I can post it here. Now all I need is a name.
uDUI: Defending under the influence/u
His head pounded, his mouth was dry, his eyes were bloodshot and all he wanted to do was drink a gallon of water and go back to bed. Too bad court was in session that morning. Edgeworth closed his eyes and sighed. iI suppose it could be worst/i he thought as he opened his eyes. iI could still be drunk like that buffoon over there./i
The buffoon and drinking partner from the previous night was swaying slightly as he held the evidence list at arm's length and was squinting. Surely Wright couldn't actually read it, not in his state. He closed his eyes again and collected his thoughts. iSurely us two being here in this state would constitute a mistrial./i
How was Wright still drunk? Did he keep drinking at home? Had he even been to bed? Edgeworth began to suspect the suit Wright was wearing was the same one as the previous
night. He groaned softly as another sharp pain shot through his front lobe. If prayed that Wright would behaved himself, then maybe no one would notice.
"I object to the evidence list!" Edgeworth opened his eyes in time to see Phoenix toss the file to one side. It landed next to Maya, who just stared at Wright like he had lost his mind. Edgeworth felt a laugh bubble up and could barely conceal it. Maybe he wasn't as sober as he thought.
Maya's glance over at him was one of help and accusation. All Edgeworth could do was shrug and pretend to be busy with his own files. He could hardly remember which he needed for what, but it seemed that his notes were just as hard to read as his opponents.
As the judge called the session, Edgeworth thought that his head was going to explode with every hit of the gavel. Also a feeling as nausea swept through his gullet but he managed to swallow it down.
"Are the prosecution and the defence ready?" The judge asked, banging his gavel with more gusto than ever.
"Yes." Edgeworth growled, looking down at his bench. iPlease don't let them see how rough I look./i
"Yeah baby!" Wright called out, looking pleased with himself. Edgeworth tried to act like he had not heard anything strange but couldn't help the smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. The judge looked confused but decided to move along, thankfully.
"We will begin today with the prosecutions opening statement." The judge nodded sagely.
Ah. Edgeworth had forgotten that he would have to actually do some work and not just be able to stand there feeling sorry for his aching head. He cleared his throat and shuffled his papers before looking up and taking a deep breath.
"It is the goal of the prosecution..." he began then realised that he had forgotten what the case actually was. His eyes widened in terror as he realised it was exactly like all the nightmares he had had. At least he wasn't naked like in his dreams.
"Yes Mr. Edgeworth?" The judge asked, looking expectant. After a few moments silence, Edgeworth began again.
"It is our goal to... find the defendant guilty?" He finished lamely as he tried to find the file with the case details discreetly. Did he even know his witnesses first name?
"Objection!" Wright called out, pointing his finger at the other man. Edgeworth started and shot a look at his rival. Maya was also staring at Wright, shocked at his increasingly bizarre behaviour.
"The defence has an objection... to the prosecutions opening statement?" The judge asked again. Even Edgeworth could understand the confusion but prepared himself for the worst. A drunk Phoenix Wright was a loud and talkative Phoenix Wright.
"No. I object to his face, why is he so handsome? I believe that is the real crime here today!" He called out, his arm drooping but still pointing towards the other side of the court.
Maya was now tugging on his sleeve and demanding for him to keep quiet. Phoenix just snorted and shook his head.
"Also, there should be a law against having an arse that good. I demand that his arse testify to the court about its crime!" He finished the statement with a wink and a leer at the prosecution. Edgeworth was doing all he could to not laugh. He mentally awarded himself with a gold medal for managing not to even smirk, though it was making his head pound ever worst.
"And is the defence going to cross examine my arse?" He asked, with only the smallest smirk showing through. All eyes fell on him, maybe for going along with the Wrights crazed babblings. He didn't care, he was amused by Wrights face lighting up.
"I need to examine it closely and not with my face, if you know what I mean?" Wright said as he descended into giggles.
The entire court went into an almighty uproar as both lawyers lost themselves in laughter. Edgeworth lost his battle to keep a straight face and was slumped on his bench, howling with laughter. In the back of his mind, he was dismayed at the discovery that he really was still a bit tipsy.
The banging of the gavel was lost in the cacophony of noise and hysterics. Before he knew it, they were all being escorted out of the courtroom by bailiffs and dumped in the defence lobby.
Phoenix was slumped over Maya's shoulders as he continued to giggle. She was scolding him for is behaviour, but it was falling on deaf ears. Edgeworth's shoulders here shaking as he held his head in one hand and continued to laugh, mainly at Wrights laughing, which set the other man off even more.
The judge came barging into the lobby, gavel still in hand.
"Court is suspended for today, you idiots had better sort yourselves out by tomorrow or you're both going to end up in jail." He commanded with an authority rarely seen.
"Yes your honour." Edgeworth replied, regaining some dignity and sobriety at the judge's presence but was still smiling stupidly.
"Yeah Edgeworth. Jail isn't very nice. Don't worry, you can be my bitch." Wright said pointing at the prosecutor. He looked even rougher as he swung off of Maya. Miles snorted. The judge shook his head and pointed at the door.
"Whatever. You're as manly as the décor of Trés Bien." Edgeworth shot back, hitting him over the head with his file.
"Don't come crying to me when you drop the soap and Gant turns up for a cross examination."
"Get out of my courthouse." He bellowed, almost throwing the gavel at the two men, who were already meandering down the hall, still howling with laughter.