Osmosis

Osmosis

Rating: T for profanity

Characters: Logan, Rogue, Jubilee, Darwin the Beagle, Lola the Siamese Cat

Summary: Logan and Rogue discuss danger, duty and cardigans.

All standard disclaimers apply. I own Lola and Darwin and no one else. I make no money off 'em, and I don't acknowledge X3. Many thanks and virtual beagles to Rachelmartin64 for the beta.

Osmosis

By ridesandruns

"I don't like this, Marie," Logan said again, scowling and flexing his hands as if to pop the claws.

"You're overreacting, sugar," Rogue said soothingly. "It's nowhere near as dangerous as you think, and besides, I can take care of myself."

Logan snorted. "Right. If Summers had a brain in his head, he woulda assigned me. I got the healing factor."

Rogue rolled her eyes. "Get real, Logan. You know full well Mr. Summers isn't gonna let you baby-sit his cat."

"Yeah, well, watch it, Marie," Logan growled. He lowered himself onto the rec room couch, Darwin the beagle jumping up to join him. "That bitch'll rip your face off if you let your guard down. I know her kind."

Darwin whined and gazed at Rogue worriedly.

"Don't you listen to them, Lola," Rogue said, gingerly stroking the Siamese cat curled in her lap. "I know you won't hurt me. As long as I don't do anything you don't like, that is."

"Better watch it," Logan warned the Siamese, who gazed back with a look of serene contempt. "You bite or scratch Marie, and I don't give a shit whose cat you are – you're gettin' turned into jerky for the mutt."

"Quit it, Logan," Rogue scolded, petting the cat's head and getting a regal purr in return. "Be nice to Lola! Can't you see how sad she is? She's missin' Mr. Summers something awful."

Logan snorted. "She ain't sad. She's pissed. She's pissed that Scooter took off with Jeannie for the weekend. And who does she blame? Not the Boy Wonder – she fucking blames me. Little bitch sat outside my door screaming her head off all fucking night long."

"She was sad, Logan!" Rogue insisted as the cat yawned hugely and settled down to nap. "She was lonely! She was sad that you were snuggling with Darwin and leaving her all alone!"

"You're outta your mind, kid," Logan said as Darwin nudged his arm to be petted. "First of all, I wasn't snuggling with the mutt," he said, stroking the beagle's ears as the dog climbed onto his lap. "I don't fucking snuggle. I don't get all fucking mushy about the goddamn animals," he said as Darwin rolled over to get his belly rubbed. "Second of all, that goddamn cat didn't want company – she just wanted to make sure I got no fucking sleep all fucking night. Scooter's gonna pay for this shit when he gets home, lemme tell you. He's got some nerve letting that goddamn cat wander around loose. She oughta be with Tweety, getting' baby-sat. If he wasn't such a fucking wuss."

"Mr. Worthington can't pet-sit any more," Jubilee announced, bounding into the room. "He, like, has panic attacks when he's alone with the cat. Ever since the last time he took care of her and she stalked him. Now, he, like, hyperventilates and his feathers fall out. It's sorta cool and gross at the same time."

"He molts?" Rogue said. "Because of Lola?"

"Chica, all I know is Siryn came into the kitchen and saw Lola playing with a mess of Angel-sized feathers and chewing on them, and, she, like, totally jumped to conclusions – how lame, y'know? Like, she should totally get her facts straight, y'know? – and she started screaming and you would not believe how much glass there is in this house and how much time it takes to sweep it all up, y'know? And then Lola was all pissed, I dunno, I think it gave her a headache or something, and she blamed Dr. Grey and pissed somewhere – like, that cat is so, whattyacall it, literal – and Dr. Grey was all pissed and at least she's not all literal because God, wouldn't that be gross if she started – "

"You know, the healing factor don't mean I can't get headaches, kid," Logan said, rubbing his forehead. "That fucking cat's nonstop trouble."

"Lola's not that bad," Rogue insisted. "She's just high-maintenance. Sorta like the Blackbird. And you know how Mr. Summers feels about the jet."

Logan snorted. "Don't get me started with that fucking hunk of junk, or that fucking cat," he said darkly. "They're trouble on their own, and they're fucking worse together. Last week I go into the hangar, and I shove the little bitch outta the pilot's seat so I can sit down and talk to the Boy Wonder while he messes with his precious deathtrap, and the goddamn cat starts screeching like she's been dunked in fucking lava."

"Well, she doesn't like to be disturbed when she's alone with Mr. Summers," Rogue said.

"So I try to throw her off the fucking plane, and wouldn't you know the little bitch whips around and bites the shit outta my thumb." Loan indignantly examined his hand. "Fucking hurt like hell."

"Dude!" Jubilee cried. "I totally heard all about that! Well, not the cat part, but, like, the other part. Mr. Summers totally told me you suck your thumb when you're the on jet! I, like, couldn't believe it, and, I'm just sayin' – nobody else I told could believe it, either. I mean, like, none of them, and we're talking, like, the whole school, plus these kids from some other schools in Westchester and my friends on MySpace – "

"Jesus fucking Christ," Logan said, outraged. "I'm gonna pound that fucking tightass until he screams like a girl."

"You really shouldn't say stuff like that around Jubilee, sugar," Rogue murmured. "That's how other rumors get started."

"I'm gonna fucking kill Summers," Logan said.

"Well, don't get all pissy, Wolvie," Jubilee said huffily. "I can totally fix this, y'know. I'll just make sure everyone know that you weren't sucking your thumb 'cause you were scared – you were sucking your thumb 'cause the cat beat you up. Anyone who knows Lola will, like, totally understand. And if they don't, well, it's not like they're gonna call you a wuss to your face, y'know? But it probably would sound better if her name was something scary like Killer or Tiger, y'know? I mean, it just doesn't sound good, y'know? 'Oh, Wolverine got his ass kicked by Lola.' "

"That goddamn cat did not 'kick my ass,'" Logan said through clenched teeth. "I swear I'm gonna kill Summers."

"Oh, Wolvie, stop going all drama queen on us," Jubilee said disdainfully. "We, like, totally can tell you miss him. It's sorta cute. It's like Darwin when he couldn't find his toy frog that time. You sit there and get all piney."

"Piney?" Logan said.

"You know, you sit there and you pine. Every time Mr. Summers goes away. I think it's totally adorable. Even if Dr. Grey says it gives her the creeps and Mr. Summers says he doesn't want to share a locker room with you any more."

"Gonna fucking kill Summers," Logan said once more. "And his candyass cat, too."

"Geez, Wolvie, it's not enough you obsess over Scott's ass?" Jubilee said. "You, like, gotta obsess over his cat's ass, too? No wonder Dr. Grey says it's creepy."

"I am not fucking obsessed with that tight—with that fucking freak," Logan snarled.

"Well, you totally listen to everything Mr. Summers says," Jubilee pointed out.

"That's so I can tell that skinny freak he's a freak," Logan said.

"No, Logan, she's right," Rogue said. "You're much better at following the rules than you used to be."

"I am not!" Logan snapped. "I don't pay any attention to what that – "

"It's like you don't want Mr. Summers to be mad at you," Rogue said. "And it is sorta sweet."

"It's totally sweet," Jubilee added. "Especially since everyone knows Mr. Summers is totally in love with Dr. Grey. No wonder you're all piney!"

"I am not fucking piney!" Logan snarled.

"You haven't stolen one of his cars in ages," Rogue pointed out. "Not even that new red one that he won't let Darwin in 'cause of the dog hair. You follow all the Danger Room rules, too. I heard Mr. Summers talking about it."

"It's really cute!" Jubilee cried. "Next thing you know, you'll start dressing like him."

"Now just a fucking minute – "

"For Christmas we could get them the same thing in different colors," Rogue told Jubilee. "Maybe one of those Mr. Rogers cardigans."

"Cardigans?" Logan said. "I don't fucking wear – "

"Ooh, that's good, chica!" Jubilee cried. "And, like, before you know it, when a new kid comes to the school, we'll have to be like, 'And Mr. Logan is the one who doesn't wear glasses.' 'Cause otherwise, y'know, people will be like, totally getting them mixed up!"

Darwin leapt to the floor as Logan leapt to his feet. "Now that's fucking enough, you hear me?" he bellowed. "I ain't fucking piney, I don't follow fucking rules, and I sure as shit don't wear fucking cardigans! Now me and the mutt are gonna take Junior's new fucking car, and we're gonna do whatever the hell we want!" He stormed off toward the garage, trailed by an excitedly barking beagle.

The girls sat motionless and gazed at each other in stunned silence.

"I can't believe it," Rogue said finally. "It worked."

Jubilee cackled. "Told you. He'll be gone for hours, chica. Which means we so totally can take his truck and get to the mall. And when Mr. Summers gets back tomorrow, we can totally look him the eye – well, sorta, with his glasses and all – and be all, 'We followed the rules, Mr. Summers. We didn't drive any school vehicles.' "

"You're a genius, Jubes," Rogue said admiringly. "You got this all worked out."

Jubilee shrugged. "Hey, chica – you hang with Cyclops, you learn strategy. By whattayacall it – mitosis."

"Osmosis," Rogue said.

"Like, whatever, chica. Ditch that cat – carefully – and let's go test what the professor told us in physics. About velocity."