A/N: IT HAD TO BE DONE! IT HAD TO BE! It was killing me not to write this.

Summary: Emmett gives Bella the sex talk. One-shot

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Sex Education With Emmett

"Bella." Emmett looked me in the eye as he said this. He was 'babysitting' while Edward went hunting with the rest of his family. I stared at him over a book that I was reading.

I nodded. "Yeah Emmett?"

"We need to talk." He sat next to me on the couch.

I closed the book, putting the bookmark to mark my place; I set the book on the coffee table in front of us and turned back to Emmett. "What do you we need to talk about Emmett?" I was feeling a little awkward.

"You and Edward's wedding day is getting close…" He let his voice trail. I rolled my eyes; I hated being reminded that I was soon going to be a bride. "Now usually I don't bud into other people's business."

My eyes widened. "Since when?!" I almost yelled. Emmett was the snoopiest vampire I knew.

"That's not the point. What I'm trying to get at is that sex between vampires are different than sex betw-" I didn't let him finish.

"We're not having this conversation!" I screamed throwing my hands over my head. I made movement to get off the couch but Emmett grabbed my wrist and helped me back to the couch. I stared at him with wide eyes.

"I'll tie you down if I have to." He told me. I wasn't sure if he was joking or actually being serious. I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up his index finger. "I have duct tape to."

I pushed my head into my hands. When was Edward going to get home? I looked back at Emmett. He was making himself comfortable on the couch. He stretched out his legs and put his arms on the back of the couch.

"Now, as you may know sex is a beautiful thing that should only be shared with people that love each other…or in Jasper's case three beautiful vampire vixens that-" I shot him a look that told him to stop there. He stopped and laughed. "This is going to be great."

I groaned. "Can we speed this up?" I asked.

He laughed again and propped his feet on the coffee table. "OK, three rules of sex with vampires."

"Vampire." I corrected.

He rolled his eyes. "Vampire." He corrected himself. "Rule number one. Biting is essential in great sex."

My mouth dropped open. "I'm not going to bite him." A huge blush ran across my face.

"You say that now but once you get started-" I cut him off before he could finish.

"What's the next rule Emmett?" I asked, holding up my hand.

"Anxious are we?" He smiled. I rolled my eyes. "Rule number two, condoms are stupid. No need for them."

"We weren't-" He raised his hand to cut me off.

"I saw you at Walmart in Seattle, you weren't there buying tampons, trust me."

My eyes widened. "How do you know about that?!" I screamed.

"I got bored and decided to follow you one day." He smiled triumphantly. "Great day it was too." I slammed my head into my hands. "Don't worry, I won't tell Edward."

I still groaned. Could this get any worse?

"Rule number three," Emmett continued. "The louder the better."

Yes. Yes it could.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing would come out. What do you say to that? Seriously, what do you say to that? I stared at him in shock.

"Now from experience, I like it when Rose nibbles on my ear as she plays with my-" My eyes widened and I shook my head, silently pleading him not to say the word. "But Edward might be different. I suggest trying different things out; maybe watch a couple of porn movies to see how the professionals do it."

I was speechless. How could Edward live with this?

"Now I'm no girl and I've never try this myself but I think we should talk about anal. Now-" I shot up at the word anal. Enough was enough.

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it quickly. I had to think about what I was going say. "Emmett? How is any of this different if I had sex with Mike?" I finally asked, staring at him.

Emmett looked at me like I was stupid. "Because Edward is a vampire!" He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I stared at him, my mouth opened, I couldn't move. "So the only difference between me having sex with I don't know Mike, and me having sex with Edward, is that Edward is a vampire?"

Emmett nodded, still smiling.

"Than what was the whole point of this conversation?" I screamed at him, blushing still.

Emmett shrugged. "Jasper and I have a bet going on to see how much I could talk to you about sex before you freaked out. You lasted longer than either of us thought. I'm proud of you Bella."

I stared at him, my mouth still opened as he pulled himself off the couch. He patted my shoulder before walking out. I hate vampires.

End.

A/N: So I needed to write a one-shot where Emmett had the sex talk with Bella. It had to be done! Seriously guys it hurt not to write this! I tried to do it in Coffin of Love but I had to stick with the plot and if I added too much it would ruin the plot. So I came up with this to cure my curiosity of what it would be like. Leave a review! It's not one of my better ones but it was still funny! Check out my other stories! NEW CHAPTER UP ON STUPID SHINY VOLVO OWNER! NEW POLL UP!



Daddy's Little Cannibal