Secret Diary

It was a normal and quiet afternoon for Yuki Eiri. He was typing in his office, with his cigarettes at hand and a can of beer beside them. He was working on his novel, but he was in no hurry, because his deadline was not close this time.

After spending several hours at his desk, he decided that it was a good time to take a nap, before his hyperactive pink-haired nuisance of a lover arrived home from the studio. He had about two hours of silence left for the day. He went into the bedroom and found it messy, as usual. He was not at all surprised, it was a normal thing for Shuichi to leave his clothes scattered all over the place. He meticulously removed all of the clothes from the bed, to clear it up, and tossed them over the pile already lying on the floor, deciding that he wasn't going to his lover any favors. After completing the task, he noticed a pink notebook on the bed.

Curiously, he picked it up. He knew it was Shuichi's, because he did not have such a ridiculous and stupid thing, and because his lover adored pink. He opened the notebook to the first page and saw that Shu's name was written there, confirming his thought. Yuki had never before seen the pink object in his hands, so he randomly turned several pages, to see what was written in there. He was astonished: he had found his lover's diary:

'Who in their right mind would just leave their diary lying around in the open for anyone to find', the writer asked himself. 'Well, obviously that moron thought it was a good idea. And, of course, he's not completely sane. I didn't know he could write… What the hell could be so important and significant for Shuichi to write it down? Not a coherent thing, that's for sure.'

Now Yuki was facing a dilemma: he could pretend not to have noticed the diary, close it and put it back as it was. Or he could satisfy his curiosity and read what was written inside, thus risking upsetting his lover. And an upset Shuichi was not something Yuki was in the mood to deal with, not at the moment or ever for that matter. The singer would cry, possibly even throw a tantrum, tell Yuki he is mean and that he hates him, and yell until Yuki would be so fed up with all of it that he would be forced either to throw his lover out of the apartment or to comfort him. The first solution was the easy one, but only the temporary one, as he had discovered, because sooner or later it inevitably led to the second one. So Yuki usually opted for the first one, because it was not so time consuming. Also, he hated to see his lover cry, it was one of the few things in life could not bear to watch, not that he would ever admit it to anyone.

After reflecting for a few moments at the possible consequences of his actions, he made up his mind: he decided that he was too curios to let the opportunity pass by. So he sat down comfortably on the bed, lit up a cigarette, randomly opened the diary and started reading. He figured he did not have time to read it whole, so he merely scanned for things that might draw his attention for more than five seconds. He read only scarce and random paragraphs, tuning the pages as he went on:

'I love looking at him when he sleeps. He always falls asleep on his belly, that was one of the first things I noticed about his habits. But he doesn't sleep like that all night. At times, he sleeps on his back, lightly snoring with his mouth partly open; those moments always make me laugh. Sometimes, he clings to me, holding me tightly. In those moments I caress his hair and his face, lightly kissing his forehead. If I do that, he even smiles and snuggles closer to me, unknowingly searching for protection and comfort. He never realized this; I don't think he knows it because in the morning he usually pushes me aside, thinking that I was the one who started getting close to him. I do that sometimes. Feeling his arms tightly around me… it makes me feel protected and loved. I brush my cheek to his chest, holding him tightly as I fall asleep along with him. I love looking at him dreaming. He has such a peaceful expression on his face, being comforted by slumber and happy dreams. I hope he has a lot of them, I hate it when he suffers. But he has nightmares also. Not often, but I can feel him turning his head from side to side, sweating and throwing the blankets aside. He is tormented by the memory of his past. I don't like the expression he has on his face in those moments: it's the expression of a condemned soul, one who knows he will suffer for all eternity for actions in the past. I wish he would stop blaming himself for what happened in the then. It was not his fault, he was too innocent back then, an innocent child looking up to a fatherly picture that promised him protection and love. If only I knew what to do… how to erase those memories from his mind… I pray that one day he will be at peace, forgiving himself and forgetting about those events. It's too saddening for me to watch him suffer.'

'He cried today. It was the first time I've seen him cry. I didn't think he knew how to do it. But he actually cried. I was shocked to see his beautiful brown eyes filling with tears, and then wetting his cheeks. He was so upset and worried because I got hurt. He was blaming himself again. He had been afraid for me, afraid for himself, afraid of the memories that the event had woken up inside his head. I kissed his hands and hugged him tightly, telling him that I loved him with all my heart, that I'll always protect him and be there for him. Just stupid little comforting words, to make him feel better. He finally calmed down and started yelling at me to shut up because he had a headache. Then he confessed he hadn't cried in over six years, still angry. But as I started praising him for not crying that long and complaining that I cry almost every day, I saw the beautiful, loving and grateful smile on his face.'

'Sometimes I think that I am waiting in vain. That he will never fully trust me, never truly open up to me. I want him to completely trust me. Please, Yuki, please! Open your heart to me!'

'I remember when he was in the hospital for the first time. I heard Tohma-san say that he would be better off without me, that I was the cause of him coughing up blood. Yuki agreed to the suggestion to go to New York. My heart stopped that moment. I refused to believe that Yuki would be better off without me. But now that I think about it, if Yuki really would be better without me in his life, I would leave. I would exit the scene like I wasn't even on it. But it would break my heart and I know I will fall apart without him. I would be suffocated by desperation and loneliness. Or I would drown in the ocean of my own tears. I wouldn't survive without him by my side, without his twisted love. I hope that he'll always be My Yuki.'

'It's important for him to see that I love him. Too really feel loved, although he would never admit it and will always try to hide it. So I try to show it at all times. He always pretends that he is exasperated by me telling him that I love him, or kissing and hugging and snuggling close to him, or simply being in the same room with him, watching as he types. He always has this really angry expression on his face as he tells me to leave him alone, that I am a nuisance or an eye-sore. But underneath it all, behind his harsh words and scary expression, I see his love. After he manages to "get rid of me", while I turn around to exit the room, I always see a loving small smile on his lips. He can't fool me. I know he likes being with me. That makes me feel really happy. It's a warm feeling, to feel needed and wanted.'

'Today he really hurt me and made me cry. He was so mean, I haven't seen him like this in a long time. He insulted me in every way possible. Well, I was kind of pestering today. And he is stressed out because his deadline is approaching and he has to finish his book. The lack of sleep is making his temper worse than usual. My continuous babbling didn't help and he threw me out of the study, then locking the door. I ran into the bedroom with tears wetting my cheeks and spent almost an hour and a half crying. I finally fell asleep exhausted. Not long ago I woke up, still alone. I guess he's still typing. He'll probably stay up all night again. I'm afraid that these all-nighters will affect more his already damaged health. I'm not upset anymore. I understand that's he's under a lot of stress and pressure. I wish I could ease the load for him, but I can't help him like that. So I just endure and stay by his side… hoping for better times for us both.'

'He's so cute when he blushes… And the most effective way to make him blush is to gently bite his ear... it's one of the most sensitive parts of his body. I love teasing him that way, and I like his reactions… his cheeks have a shade of pink… he trembles with shivers of passion going through his body. Then he yells at me and tells me to get out. I don't mind… seeing him like that is worth a little yelling.'

'He was upset today. I don't know why, he refused to tell me. And all of my whining and acting like a five-year-old didn't help either. I could see that his eyes were read, like he had spent a lot of time crying. It broke my heart, seeing him so hurt and messy. After I gave up trying to get him to tell me his reasons, I left him alone in his study. But I was still puzzled. And I still am. I even considered calling Tohma to ask him if he knows anything, but then rejected the idea. I really wish I knew why he was so sad today. Now I'm waiting in the bedroom for him. It's late and he hasn't shown up yet; I want to be awake when he finally appears. Maybe he will tell me, or even let me comfort him. That's a scarce possibility, he doesn't want anyone to find out that he too can feel weak and hurt. That he too needs protection and love, maybe even more than most people. But he will probably dismiss my attempts as usual. If he does it, I'll just wait until he falls asleep and then take him into my arms.'

'He's not eating properly and is making me worried. He has a bad stomach as it is, not eating will only make it worse. Maybe he'll end up in the hospital again. I can still feel the panic that rushed through my body when I heard what happened. Fear blocked my thoughts, I felt my body heavy, then light again, like I was floating in an endless ocean of despair and sadness. I hope I never have to pass through that ordeal again. I have to get him to eat more… if only I could cook something edible. But I'll try to learn, maybe even get him to teach me. It would be hard work, considering what happened last time he tried to do it. Putting that aside, I have to think about a plan. If reason doesn't work, maybe begging him and throwing a tantrum might. It probably will actually; he knows that I'm worried about him and he'll do it, even if he'll pretend only to humor me.'

'Chasing a shadow… that's what he was doing in the past. That's the reason why he became a writer: to please a shadow, a ghost, a picture in his head. Regret tore up his soul, guilt, always blaming himself for what happened. But he's wrong… he's not the guilty one. It was that man who changed him so much. He denied himself, he punished himself for what he did, never offering his love again, afraid of another tragedy, afraid for his shattered heart. But he slowly emerged from his hiding place and, little by little, step by step, he revealed himself to me.'

'Usually he's in his study when I get home… typing, simply being Yuki, the famous author. Of course I rush to see him, kiss him… he usually drives me away, saying that he has a deadline coming up and that he's busy… or that he's not in the mood… or that he doesn't want to catch my disease called stupidity… in those times I leave him, knowing that when he finishes he'll come to bed and be with me. Still, sometimes he lets me stay with him: I either talk or simply look at him type. He looks so serious and mature when he types… he's focused on his work, immersed in the world he's creating, in his characters and events. Always with a cigarette in his mouth, always with a can of beer beside him… he's sometimes scowling… usually when he's reached a dead end… when he doesn't know how to continue. Then he has two tiny wrinkles on his forehead, a puzzled and contemplating expression on his face. He simply stares into space, a million miles from where he is… he's into his story. And after a shorter or longer while… the spark appears… inspiration spreads his wings over him again and he immediately starts typing again, with fury… like he's fishing the words and the sentences from his insides… pulling them out and setting them on the screen of his laptop. I like this part of him too… especially seeing him with his glasses on… it makes him look like a student… maybe a law student, preparing for his next exams. He's cute like this… no, not cute… beautiful: the intellectual Yuki. Seeing him like this always makes me smile and I feel the urge to squeeze him into my arms, hold him tightly, never letting go. But I don't disturb him: he would be angry at me and throw me out. And I appreciate these moments too much to ruin them. So I just stay there and watch him.'

'I love him so much. I wonder if he knows just how much I cherish him. And how grateful I am to have him. I thank the gods every day, for keeping us together and for bringing him into my life. I often think about the first time we met. He was mean to me, but I instantly fell in love. The first thing I noticed was his beautiful eyes, the most unusual ones I have ever seen. They immediately mesmerized me. He had a piercing look on his face. His wonderfully shaped lips were wrapped around a cigarette, and for a moment I wondered how it would be if I felt them brushing against mine. He had the most masculine face I've ever seen. And the final touch was his unusual blond hair, not common in Japan, and his well shaped body, covered in modern clothes. He took my breath away. He was like a fallen blond angel, or a humanized demon. My personal demon, haunting my dreams ever since we first met. I was blessed, although at the time I didn't know it. I wonder how it would have been if I hadn't sneezed my lyrics away. Or if I had taken a different path home. Maybe our roads would have never crossed. No, that's a horrible thought. And I believe in fated love. One way or another, sooner or later we would have met. Simply because we were meant to be together.'

'He was very kind to me today. Kinder than usual. He didn't reject me while I was embracing him, kissing him, holding him. He made me very happy… But still, I wonder why… I wish he would talk more. Tell me what he thinks, what he feels, what he needs. But he thinks that would make him look weak… so he hides behind an indifferent and ironic mask… it works with others, but not with me. For me, that mask is transparent, some days more… others less. Behind all those defenses he put up for the world, I can feel him… his emotions… his kindness… his love for me… his need. I wish I could take off that mask and throw it aside… I'm waiting for the day when he'll lower his defenses himself… It is better this way, I don't want to force him; I want to wait until he's ready… and pray for the day to come sooner.'

'I pretend… I pretend to be this constantly happy child, with no care in the world, oblivious of its surroundings, not seeing what's really happening around me. But I'm not a kid, not anymore. I can see their problems, their worries… their occasional sadness. And I care about them, worry about them, try to make it better by acting like an immature person. By making a fool of myself, I can always see their smile, after shaking their head in disbelief… they're happy for me because they think I'm not aware of what's happening… that's good form me… seeing them smile…seeing him smile…'

Hope you liked it and if you're curious to see what else Yuki read from the diary, read chapter 2. It will be up really soon. Also, please review... I really wanna know what you thought. Thanks!