Disclaimer: Not mine unfortunately or I would be hanging out with them in Vancouver :-)

This is a collection of short oneshot "Rodney whumping" stories - just snippets that I need to get out of my head

The kind of stories where John has to either come to the rescue and/or caused the problem in the first place.

Set in any of the seasons but mainly with Carson because I prefer him.

The green green grass of home

John Sheppard caught up with Rodney McKay in one of Atlantis' long corridors. If you could call it "caught up" since he ended up walking rapidly behind him.

Rodney was moving quickly towards an unexplored section of the city tapping on a data padd as he walked. "Zelenka found a strange panel," he said obviously excited. "I'm gonna check it out. Come along?"

"I wanted to talk to you about my shower," John said.

"Uh huh," Rodney answered, still moving and not really listening.

John followed still persisting. "It was cold," he continued.

"Really ?" Rodney said turning into a small room where Radek Zelenka was waiting.

"Real cold," John finished. He nodded at Zelenka as Rodney moved to the open panel, ignoring him.

"What do we have ?" Rodney asked Radek.

"I'm not sure," Radek answered. "It looks like an ordinary door circuit but there's an extra..."

"Yes, yes, I see it," Rodney said reaching inside the panel. John moved next to him. "Don't touch anything," Rodney added as he peered inside.

John was miffed. He was sure that Rodney was responsible for his ice cold shower. On the wall by John's shoulder was a large blue button. Hoping to give Rodney a shock and get his attention, John, on impulse, hit the button.

A bright light shone from the ceiling down onto Rodney. "What ?" Rodney said standing up.

John reached forward and grabbed Rodney's arm to pull him away from the light.

Radek Zelenka stared open mouthed as both Sheppard and Mckay vanished.


Sheppard blinked in the sudden sunlight and looked around him. Next to him McKay did the same thing. They were standing in the middle of a large grassy field.

"Crap!" John said. He usually had his tac vest with basic supplies. He usually had his weapons. Dressed casually in a black T-shirt and plain slacks he had nothing useful. Not even a knife. "Crap!" he repeated for emphasis.

Rodney was glaring at him, standing with his arms crossed. He didn't even have his data padd, he'd put it down to look into the panel. "Which part of "don't touch anything" did you have a problem with ?" he said.

"I wanted to get your attention," John said sheepishly. When Rodney continued to glare at him he decided to change the subject. "Where are we anyway?" he asked casually.

Rodney looked up at the sky, checking the sun and moons. "Same planet," he said. "Different place."

"Oh, on the mainland."

"Since we're not treading water I would say that's a pretty safe assumption."

John winced. He'd asked for that one.

"I presume," Rodney continued, "That the white box that I almost got a look at was a conduit for a transporter signal. Although how it decides where to transport you I'm not sure. I was thinking about what was in the far room. What were you thinking of?"


"Excuse me ?"

"I was thinking how it would be nice, since it's my day off, to be on a proper driving range instead of hitting balls into the water."

"And as usual your super ATA gene trumped mine and so it sent us out into the middle of nowhere. Wonderful."

"Well it's not that bad, we might even be near the Athosian settlement."

"Colonel the mainland is approximately the size of North America. What are the chances that we're near the settlement ?"

"You're too much of a pessimist, Rodney." John tapped his radio. "This is Sheppard," he said. "Can anyone hear me ?"

Rodney pointed towards his own radio. "Short range," he said.

"Well, " John said looking around. "Let's head for that hill over there. Maybe we'll be able to get our bearings." Rodney continued to look at him. "Unless you have a better idea," he added.

"Unfortunately I don't," he said. They started to walk towards the hill. "Got any candy ?"

" Rodney."


"It seems to be a transporter," Radek said.

"But where did they transport to ?" Doctor Elizabeth Weir asked.

Zelenka took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes wearily. He replaced them as Elizabeth watched from across the conference table. " That's the problem," he said. "We don't know. They don't seem to be in the city," he added.

"What is the range on the machine ?" Teyla asked.

"As far as I can ascertain, and this is guesswork. Anywhere on this planet."

Elizabeth was silent as she thought it through. "That's a lot of ocean," she said.

"And land," Teyla added.

"Well whatever ya do you'd better do it soon," Carson Beckett intervened.

Elizabeth looked at him.

"Rodney has hypoglycemia," Carson continued. "Aye," he said as the others smiled. "Rodney jokes about it but it really is quite a serious medical condition."

"That's why he's always eating ?" Ronon asked.

"He carries glucose tablets and candy in his tac vest," Carson said. "But I understand that he wasn't wearing it."

"How serious is this ?" Teyla asked.

"Worse case scenerio. If there's nothing wherever they are. He could be in a coma by tonight and dead by the morning. Sooner if he's moving around."


"So why did you sabotage my shower," John asked as they walked up the hill.

"What ?" Rodney said. " I don't know what you're talking about. I have more important things to do than freeze up your morning ablutions."


" It will be several hours before they find us," Rodney continued. "even at the best estimate and I'm already feeling light headed."

"How will they find us ?" John asked. " Maybe if he keeps talking it will help him concentrate " he thought.

" Well assuming that Radek realizes that we were transported out of the city the easiest way to search would be to modify the life signs detectors on the jumpers and fly a standard search pattern. Of course, " Rodney stopped and looked at John. "They'll probably search the ocean first."

"Because we'd be in the most danger if we were in the water."


"Why would the ancients build a machine that transports you out into the middle of nowhere ?"

"I've thought about that, " Rodney answered. "Two things. One..I didn't really get a good look before we..er..left..but that button you hit looked like it might have been removeable.."

"So it probably returns you to the point of origin. Makes sense. And two ?"

Rodney stopped and glared at John. " I assume that they were more careful about what they thought when they used the damn thing."


Carson was pacing in Elizabeth's office. "This is taking too long," he said. "It'll be dark soon."

Radek is equipping the last jumper now. The others are already out flying a search pattern and you'll be able to join them soon," Elizabeth said. She understood his frustration. "Maybe Rodney had some candy with him," she added hopefully.

"Aye but I have to work on the assumption that he didn't."

"Well we've checked the ocean in this vicinity..."

" The jumper is ready," Radek's voice came over their radios.

" I'm gonna start checking the mainland," Carson said heading for the door. Elizabeth nodded as Beckett spoke into his radio. "Search team nine to the jumper bay..."

Zelenka entered her office as Carson left. "Every jumper is out flying a search pattern," he said. "Each one has a medic on board and Chuck is coordinating the search." He looked at Elizabeth's concerned expression. "We'll find them," he said.

"Yes but will we find them in time ?" she answered.


Sheppard looked across the landscape from the top of the hill. Rolling meadows dotted with stange shaped trees. It was really rather pretty..

" Oh great !" McKay said. "More nothing."

"Oh I wouldn't say that," John answered. "There's grass, trees..."

"Allergens." McKay sat at the base of a tree. " Well if you want to go tramping over a couple more hills," he said. "Be my guest. I'm staying here. Let me know if you find Julie Andrews." He leaned back and closed his eyes.

"It'll be dark soon," John said. "How cold does it get here ?"

"Oh I don't know. About six degrees."

"Fahrenheit ?!"

"Celcius," Rodney said glaring up at him. "About forty fahrenheit."

"Oh." That sounded better. "I think I'll build a fire," he said. "Might help them find us."

"Knock yourself out."

"Got any matches ?" Rodney just looked up at him. " I'll take that as a no."

"Didn't they mention friction when you took survival training ? You did take survival training I hope."

"Yes," Sheppard said. "They also mentioned always carry matches."

"Then why don't you ?"

" I do. They're in my..tac vest, along with everything else," John said quietly.

"Then I guess you're back to rubbing two sticks together," Rodney said closing his eyes.


It took John about half an hour to get the kindling and sticks together and using his bootlace he was rapidly spinning a stick to create the necessary friction. Night was falling and it was starting to get cold.

" You could help," John said.

Rodney opened one eye and looked at him. "Why?" he said. "You seem to have the technique down."

" You could've offered."

"Funny," Rodney said sleepily.

John got a small fire going as it turned dark. "You know," he said. "We could build a big signal fire." He looked over to where Rodney was sleeping. "Hey!" he said shoving Rodney on the shoulder. "Rodney?...Rodney!"

Rodney slumped over onto his right side. John moved next to him, turned him onto his back and checked his pulse. It was steady but slow and weak.

"Crap!" John said. "OK John...signal fire..."

John pulled together all the loose wood and dead branches and leaves that he could find and soon had a fire built that was about four feet high piled up several yards from where Rodney lay.

John pulled off his shirt and used his laces to tie it to a stick. He shivered in the cold as he shoved the makeshift torch into his small fire. As the material started to burn he took it and pushed it into the dry grasses and leaves in the middle of the large bonfire.

"Alright," he said as the kindling started to burn. He looked up at the night sky. "Come on.." he said sofly.


Carson was getting frustrated. He had been flying back and forth over the mainland for hours and had found nothing. He radio'd Atlantis. "Can I not gain altitude ?" he asked. "Scan a bigger area ?"

"If you go higher," Radek Zelenka answered, "you risk not detecting their life signs. Especially," he added. " if they are among the trees...or hurt. And," he said, "their transponder signals also have a limited range. If you go higher you will lose width on your search pattern." Radek sighed. "I understand your frustration," he said. "But we have calculated the optimum height to cover the maximum area. And staying to a search pattern will ensure that we do not miss scanning an area."

Carson knew that but the facts didn't make him any happier. "Aye I know," he said hitting the button on his headset.

A few minutes later the recruit in the co pilots' seat pointed out of the window. "Doctor," he said.

"What is it, Steven? Do ya see somethin' ?"

"I thought I...it's gone now."

"What ?"

"Looked like a light. A fire maybe. Way off in the distance."

Carson thought for a moment, slowing the jumper as he did so. If he left the search pattern and it was nothing...He made a decision.

"Let's check it out laddie," he said banking the jumper around to the right.


John was getting cold. He was concentrating on keeping the big fire going and now the smaller one had gone out. He'd pulled Rodney closer to the big fire but he was feeling cold too. John hoped that it wasn't anything to do with his hypoglycemia.

"Forty degrees my ass," he muttered. Burning his shirt didn't seem like such a great idea right now. Maybe he could've found some drier foliage instead. He was more worried about Rodney though than impending hypothermia. He'd been colder before.

Then he heard the unmistakeable sound of jumper engines approaching. "Oh thank God," he said as Beckett landed next to the fire. "What kept you ?" he said loudly as Carson ran from the rear of the craft.

"Oh nothing really," Carson said going to Rodney. "Just takin' a wee excursion around the mainland for bloody hours !"

"How is he ?" John asked putting on a shirt that one of the others gave him.

Carson was giving Rodney an injection of glucose. "He'll be up and around in just a minute," he said. "That's the thing with hypoglycemia, it's really easy and quick to treat. Just give the patient sugar and they're fine. As long as ya get to them in time," he added.

Rodney started to move and opened his eyes. "Carson ?" he said.

"Rodney," Beckett answered. "Here," he popped a glucose tablet into Rodney's mouth and Rodney pulled a face. "I know ya don't like 'em but it'll keep ya goin' until you can get some proper food."


Several minutes later Sheppard flew the jumper over the bonfire and dropped water on the fire to extinguish it. Rodney sat in the copilots seat with a blanket around his shoulders. Carson and his team relaxed in the back as John flew them home.

"So let me get this straight," Rodney said as he munched on a MRE. "You hit the button because you thought that I'd sabotaged your shower."

"Well yeah, " John said. " 'Course it seems kinda petty when you put it like that but I was pissed."

"Well I didn't mess with your shower controls," Rodney said. "Radek might have though."

"Radek ? What did I do to him ?"

"I'm only guessing. Several of my staff could've done it. But Radek was muttering something about you taking the last blueberry muffin the other day. I admit I was only half listening. I only really pay attention to his czech if I hear my name and the implecation that my parents were never married."

"Well I did take a muffin the other day. Didn't notice which one though."

"Heh," Rodney laughed. "So you took his favorite flavor and didn't even notice. That's priceless. Seriously though. It seems that I now owe Radek a cold morning since he was, albeit indirectly, responsible for this fiasco. The only question is when..."

"So do you pick a date and then zap him ?"

"Oh no no no no no. Way too amateurish. I just pick a number."

"Excuse me ?"

"Hum. If you pick a day he could miss it for some reason. Shower the night before, decide to stay dirty, be offworld, whatever." Rodney sat forward, eyes twinkling with mischief. "I just pick a number. The third time he uses it, the eighth, the forty second. Any number. He'll never know when it's coming. But it will come."

"That's devious," John said as he parked the jumper in the bay and opened the back door.

Rodney stood up , holding his blanket around his shoulders. "Yes it is, isn't it ?" he said.

As John unbuckled his seatbelt Rodney put his hand on John's shoulder and leaned close to him.

"Seems I owe you one too," he whispered.

John watched as Rodney left heading towards the mess hall.

"Oh crap!" he said.


That's it for this one

Please review I would love some (constructive) critic

thanks for reading.