A/N: You know this just HAS to be a request. I would never have written something like this on my own, so credit to Leather Addict for the idea and request.
Umaga is not a bad guy. Well, okay, the character of Umaga might not be the best guy out there.
But the wrestler who plays him is the greatest guy in the world. Eddie is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.
But doesn't that sound strange? An Umaga defender? Yep, that's me. I'm expecting my shield and golden sword in the mail any time now. I've already got the suit of armor.
I'm totally kidding, by the way.
In case you haven't guessed already, I'm in love with my best friend.
Yeah, I'm in love with the Samoan Bulldozer.
And I know it's a horrible thing to say, but I don't think I'm good enough for him. Eddie such a great man, and I'm just…I'm just a stagehand. I just stand at Gorilla and make sure everyone is there. I check things off on my clipboard and wear a headset.
Eddie wrestles. Eddie spends thousands of dollars on jewelry, cars, and clothing.
He deserves Jessica Alba while I don't even deserve Hornswoggle.
And I always feel horrible when people make fun of him for being heavy. I hate it when the fans boo him for doing his job. There's more to a person than being physically perfect and a fan favorite.
The fans don't see what's real.
You know what? Neither does anyone else. I hear the Divas talking about Eddie like he's a freak. He's not. They're freakier than he is. He's nicer than they'll ever be, and more genuine, too.
But I'm scared to tell him. He either won't believe me or will hate me forever.
I don't want either of those to happen. I wouldn't lie about something like that.
He's out there now. He's in a handicap match against Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes. Poor guys. It's my job to tell JR through the headphones to signal to the referee to tell the guys when to end the match. Yeah, that's a large string of communication. But hey, what can you do.
Great, here comes Ashley and Maria now. They have a tag team match against Beth Phoenix and Melina right after Eddie's match is over. At least they're on time.
Maria took one look at the monitor and squealed in disgust. "Ew, he should never wear those red pants ever again! They make his ass look like a fire truck!"
They ignored me, as usual, so I just carried on watching Eddie wrestle. Okay, so he wasn't really wrestling…more like destroying…
But that's when I saw it.
After Eddie pinned Hardcore Holly and threw Cody Rhodes out of the ring…
The cameras zoomed in on a sign.
"UMAGA ATE A BULLDOZER"
I'd be okay with that if it was Sign Guy, because that's what he does. Nope, it's just a normal run of the mill fan with no respect for the people he doesn't like.
But see, I know Eddie in a different way than them. He doesn't like the fans hating him. He's such a gentle soul.
He's really the wrong guy to be playing Umaga.
He's walking up the ramp now, and I can hear Ashley and Maria giggling. Beth and Melina have just arrived, but they're too mature to say anything like that…at least I hope so.
Of course, their giggling stopped when Eddie walked through the curtain. I'm sure he had no idea that they were laughing at him, but those two were still evil wenches.
"Good job out there, Eddie," I said, smiling at him.
He just nodded and stormed off. Something is wrong.
After he left, Ashley and Maria really started laughing. "Someone's got a crush on Umaga!" Maria cried, pointing at me.
I just rolled my eyes at her and told her to get her skanky ass down to the ring so she could get her ass kicked. That shut her up, alright.
And for the record, I do not have a crush on Umaga. Umaga is a monster. Eddie is a doll.
After having a good laugh at Maria and Ashley's lack of wrestling skills, my job was done. They had different stagehands take care of the main event since there was going to be some special effects. Whatever. I'm not complaining about the early out.
Besides, I want to talk to Eddie.
I found him where I always do, in catering. I sat down across from him and bluntly asked him, "What's wrong?"
He just stared at me and ate more of his ham sandwich.
"Is it…them?" I asked, in reference to pretty much everyone. To Ashley, to Maria, to the fans, to everyone that hated him.
Eddie understood, just like I always knew he would. He slowly nodded and I could see the pain in his eyes.
I need to tell him.
"Look, Eddie, I just wanted to say that—"
I was interrupted by more heinous giggling. I looked up and saw that Skankfest 2008 had just walked in the room in full force. Now they had Kelly Kelly, Eve, Layla, and Maryse with them.
I didn't know all three brands were here. Whatever.
They sat down at the table next to Eddie and me. Great. Their giggling only got louder, and I could hear some not so hushed whispering going on between them. I knew what they were saying.
For once, their gossip was true.
I have a track record of being very blunt, so I just came right out with it in one go. "EddieIlikeyou."
"What?" he said. I think he got the gist of it, but was just extremely confused. I mean, I did say it rather quickly.
I took a couple of deep breaths and calmed myself down. "Eddie…I like you."
"I knew it!" Ashley squealed. The table of Divas erupted in laughter. That's just what I need when revealing my darkest secret. Thanks girls. I'm really feeling the sisterly love now.
I hesitated before turning back to face Eddie. How could I? I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks. I was beyond embarrassed.
"You do?" was all he said.
The giggling ceased.
I'm never one to be very bold, so…
I stood up on the table. Yeah, I did. I mean, if you're going to do it, then do the damn thing.
"Yes, Eddie. I like you. Hell, I'll say it even louder. I LIKE YOU. I'm not one of those," I said, pointing to the girls at the next table, "shallow sluts. I like you for who you are. I can see past the monster you portray in the ring. Is that so wrong?"
I couldn't wait for his answer. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I hopped back down from the table and sat back down, pretending that I couldn't see the girls out of the corner of my eye.
Eddie cocked his head to the side and then left.
The bastard left.
I couldn't help but just let my jaw drop. I just did the craziest thing I've ever done in my life, and he left.
Oh, the girls roared with laughter now.
How hard do you think Maria and Ashley would be laughing if I told the world just how much airbrushing the Playboy staff had to do?
Well, I followed suit and left as well. I had to find Eddie and apologize for embarrassing him…and myself.
"Eddie? Oh crap, where did he go?" I said to myself after I left catering.
"Right here," he said. He was leaning against the wall right next to the catering door. I didn't even see him.
"Hey, I'm sorry about—"
No, actually, I'm not sorry. I guess I don't have to be.
Because he kissed me.
"You are one crazy girl," he said.
"I have to be crazy. I'm in love with the Samoan Bulldozer."