I had just started to forgive them, forgive them for what they had done to me. We were building bridges. I still avoided him as much as possible, but, her, oh my Emily, she could never know how much she had hurt me, and how masochistic I must be, because I needed them both. I needed them to survive. I wanted to hate them with every fibre of my being, but my soul needed them. They hurt me, and hurt, well, it makes you feel alive.
It may sound weird, but they were like a drug to me. To see them so happy, it gave me a high. Now, this isn't a happy high. This is pain. You can never describe a high like that. It just exists. And it hurts so much, but you can never be more alive than at that moment.
She used to be so close. And now, it's like we're on opposite sides of the universe. I can remember giggling about crushes on schoolboys, and planning outfits. I can even remember her telling me that Sam and I were destined to be together forever. And then she stole that dream from me.
They tell me it wasn't their faults. They tell me it's part of being what we are. They tell me that someday, it'll happen to me. What if I don't want it to happen? What if I don't want to hurt someone the way I was hurt, because someone always gets hurt.
What if I just want to believe that the there happens to be a true happy ending for everyone? What if… What if… It seems that everything is turning into a 'what if' nowadays.
Was this friendship that she was trying to re-establish going to be the end of me? I'm not sure. I managed being the maid of honour at their wedding, the wedding in which I should have been the bride. I lived through the announcement of Emily pregnancy. I lived through the baby shower.
I lived. I lived, simple as that. I lived. All the repressed emotions made me bitter made me an annoyance to everyone around me. Oh, they never had to tell me, I knew. I knew I made them miserable. And what for, a sense of not being the only one hurting? Wonderful. That makes me feel so proud of myself.
I lived through it all. Well, I was dead inside, but I was still alive physically. I can't believe what I put them through. I just can't. I'm such horrible person. I didn't really need to bother Embry about his mother, nor did I have to make those comments.
I hurt them all, and as much as no one would ever think it would, that hurts me too. And well then, when the baby was born, I think that just pushed me over the edge.
I was there. Sam was there; most of the others were in the waiting room. But when they handed her that baby. I just lost it. Tears streamed down my face, and I choked down a scream as Emily and Sam looked into the eyes of their child. The nurse asked what they wanted to name the baby, and that was the end. I can't believe after all I did to them, after all they did to me, they were going to honour me in their child's name. Leah Samantha.
All I knew was I didn't deserve this torture. I didn't deserve to see Sam gazing at that baby, and not being the one there, the one that gave him that joy. An almost silent ' I love you', left my lips, as I walked quietly out of the delivery room. They asked me. "A girl, Leah Samantha," I answered, the words hollow and said with unease.
They didn't notice my exit, to busy paying each other for the bets they made. I was glad, they were all there, none of them could stop me from the thing I needed to do.
The thing that would stop the hurting.
Well, stop my hurting anyways.
They would understand. I hoped they would understand. I really did.
But if they didn't, it wasn't the end of the world. It was for the better. They wouldn't have to deal with me.
I took off at a run, phasing without a hitch in my stride. I didn't worry about clothes, I wouldn't need them. It would all be over soon.
The wind whipped around, and I could hear the waves crashing on the rocks. On a night like tonight, cliff diving was deadly. The ocean wasn't a friendly creation. She took those who dared invade her.
Phasing back, I allowed the strong wind to go through my hair, feeling oddly at ease with myself, though I was sitting on the edge of a cliff, unclothed. I ignored the fact that I had heard someone in my thoughts during my last stint as a wolf. They wouldn't think I could go through with it.
I sighed standing up. My toes curled over the rough edge of the cliff, as I looked at the tossing ocean. What I was sure was to be my last sight. It amazed me that I could be this selfish. I could only do this to myself after hurting them all. After being a nuisance. After being a bitter bitch of a girl.
But that would all stop. It would take only a few minutes. One jump. The waves, though crashing violently on the shore welcomed me. The wind whispered encouraging words. I could do this. This was no different than cliff diving.
Well… I hoped that it would be, because I survived cliff diving.
I shivered slightly, uncurling my toes from the edge. Taking a deep breath, I leaned over and allowed myself to fall.
Just like cliff diving.
My body hit the water, and not the rocks. But it began to sink. As I began to go under, I had time for a last conscious thought. I wondered if this was the proper choice.
Right when I felt like my lungs were about to explode from lack of oxygen, I felt strong arms pulling me up. And I hated it. I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to die, damnit. My heart couldn't take this life. I couldn't stand it. As my face was risen above the water again, and I began to breathe deeply, getting my blood flowing, I looked into the face of my rescuer.
"I said I'd always protect you, Leah. I never thought I'd have to protect you from yourself, but that's one promise I intend to keep."
I managed to stay awake for that comment, before I instinctively curled into his arms, warming my shaking body against his chest.
"I thought it was for the best…" I managed to comment, after coughing up some water.
He began to bring me to the hospital, and I fell into a pleasant, dreamless sleep. A sleep in which I didn't have to feel, nor did I have to think.