TONIGHT'S WAR ROOM MEETING!
Professor Charles Xavier: Bald guy. Psychic. In a wheelchair. Sounds like Patrick Stewart.
Cyclops: Fearless leader. P.A.M.B - Pansy ass mama's boy.
Phoenix: Fire incarnate. Wife of Cyclops. Ditz. Wears a skin-coloured spandex suit.
Beast: 300 pound blue gorilla.
Jubilee: The product of the good people of Marvel doing too much pot.
Wolverine: Sexy sexy hairy man.
Gambit: Sexy sexy not-so-hairy man. Speaks in French accent. Wears a fuscia shirt.
Rogue: Southern chick. Streak in hair. Flies around a lot.
Storm: White-haired goddess. Makes it rain.
Eugene: Eugene the monkey was created by myself, Silver Sunshine, while I was eating pixie sticks. Many many sweet sweet pixie sticks. Eugene is not only a medical genius, he also excels in Biology, Chemistry, Physics, World Religion, Psychology, and Monkey. The name Eugene was born one day when I was extremely flustered with my metronome at Piano lessons. Instead of lashing out at my metronome with a random act of violence, I simply named it Eugene in order to calm myself. Thus, Eugene was born. Eugene comes in many forms…a monkey, a metronome…he can be anything you want him to be…but enough about Eugene…on with the story!
The X-Men bounded into the war room for their weekly meeting. Professor Xavier had ordered pizza and wings, much to everyone's delight. After the pizza and wings were consumed, they got down to the meeting.
"Are there any new orders of business?" Cyclops asked professionally, pizza sauce all over his face.
"Yes," Professor Xavier said coolly. "I've discovered I am Jean-Luc Picard."
Storm sighed. "Professor, we go through this at every meeting. You are not Patrick Stewart. You will never be Patrick Stewart."
"Of course I won't with that attitude!" Xavier cried. He began to weep.
"Oh my God, like, I have a totally cool new order of business!" Jubilee exclaimed.
Rogue knocked her over the head with a lead pipe. Everyone applauded.
The Professor raised his head, tears still shining on his face but a determined look in his eyes. "I've had enough! Number one," he said, addressing Cyclops, "get the Klingons on the view screen."
"What the hell are you talking about?!" Wolverine asked in bewilderment.
"Enough!" Xavier shouted. "Warp speed!" He wheeled over to the fire alarm, smashed the emergency glass, and hit the alarm.
Everyone stared at Xavier blankly as the fire alarm went off and the war room's sprinkler system turned on, lightly drenching everyone.
"Anyone else?" Cyclops continued optimistically.
"Ah've discovered if ah close mah eyes ah can become invisible," Rogue announced.
"Good God!" Beast exclaimed.
"Eeee," Eugene agreed.
And then there was Eugene. And there was much rejoicing.
After the rejoicing, Eugene made everyone popcorn. They ate the popcorn and returned to the meeting.
"As a matter of fact I have a new order of business," Storm said regally. "Senator Kelly is dead."
Sabretooth ran into the room, choking Storm. "Scream for me…" he whispered.
Wolverine turned to Rogue. "What kind of a name is Rogue, anyway?"
"What kind of a name is Wolverine?" Rogue countered.
Suddenly the phone rang. Professor Xavier picked it up. "We are the future, Charles, not them! They no longer matter!" Magneto yelled. Then he hung up.
"Storm, fry him," Cyclops said of no one in particular.
"I'm telekinetic. I can move things with my mind," Jean explained to Wolvie.
Mystique popped her head in through window. "It's people like you that made me afraid to go to school as a child."
"We were not in the movie!" Gambit, Beast, Jubilee, and Eugene said clearly and loudly. Except Eugene said it in Monkey.
"Are you quite done?" Professor Xavier asked everyone irritably. "The Vulcans are trying to get ahold of us."
Mystique ran away from the window. Sabretooth tipped his hat to everyone and ran out of the war room.
"Do we have any other orders of business?" Jean asked. Then she fainted.
Everyone waited patiently.
Jean woke up.
"Actually, Jean," Cyclops said, taking a deep breath. "I…have a new order of business…"
Everyone held their breath in suspense.
Cyclops took Jean's hand in his own and looked at the floor. "Jean…I'm leaving you to roam the countryside delivering babies. It's just something I have to do."
Jean sniffed. "I…I understand."
Cyclops nodded solemnly then backed away from Jean, looking to the heavens. "Super Cyclops away!!!!!" he cried, flying through the ceiling and off to fulfil his baby-delivering destiny.
"Cyke can fly?" Wolverine said suspiciously.
"Who knew?" Storm shrugged.
"I knew!" Jubilee said triumphantly. Rogue once again hit her over the head with a mystery weapon…
"Time for 'Clue'!" Storm shouted.
"Hmmm…Rogue, in de war room, wit de lead pipe," Gambit guessed.
"No, no, it's Professor Plum, in the danger room, with Wolverine's steel bat."
"No, no, no, no, you're both wrong. It was Miss Scarlet, in the closet that me and Wolverine make out in when Scott's not looking, with my hairdryer!" Jean said.
Everyone seemed to agree that this was the answer. Everyone, that is, except Eugene. But, as I have mentioned many times, Eugene speaks Monkey, and no one else was enlightened enough to understand the complex yet beautiful language of Monkey.
"Meeting adjourned!" Professor Xavier announced. Everyone filed out of the war room. Everyone, that is, except Beast.
"Oh, Scott…" Beast whispered to himself, looking at the gigantic hole in the roof Cyclops had created. "Damn you and your destiny…all I ever wanted was for us to be together…but…" Beast got choked up, then continued. "You had to go off roaming the countryside delivering babies…I wish…I wish that one day…one day we'll meet again."
With that, Beast arose, and gracefully exited the war room.
As Beast left, Spiderman swung into the room. He looked around frantically, stole a piece of pizza, then swung out of the war room triumphantly.
Note: This has been a pointless hyperness story courtesy of moi. Reviews of this complete insanity would be appreciated. Merci.