Hello readers. Welcome to my first posted fic outside of the Naruto section in well over two years. And it's a Mockfic, which if you don't know what that entails to yet, means I'm about to make fun of a specific theme or plotline that irritates me. If that makes you angry or uncomfortable, please read my warning underneath the disclaimer. Aside from that, please enjoy.

Not What You Expected?
A Harry Potter Mockfic
By Legendary Legacy

Standard Disclaimer: Settings and characters belong to JK Rowling, ya know?

Standard Mockfic Warning: If you don't like the idea of me making fun of a (in my opinion) stupid or overused Harry Potter theme/plotline that you enjoy for whatever reason, then I suggest saving yourself some time and hitting the 'Back' button right now. You've been warned.


Hermione Granger strolled casually through the halls of Black Manor, hoping to track down Harry and Ron so they could discuss the upcoming school year. Now that they had their OWL scores, they needed to start deciding what they wanted to do with their lives after Hogwarts. She'd bet her last knut that Harry would want to be either a pro Quidditch player or an Auror, and that Ron would do whatever Harry did just so they could have the same classes together, but it would still be good for her to prepare them, otherwise they'd just slack off until the last second.

As she turned another corridor, she bumped into someone.

"Sorry Hermione," a gruff voice said.

Righting herself, Hermione stared at the person before her. It was a man, obviously, though the recognition ended there. The man standing in front of her was incredibly wide; so much so that the short-sleeved shirt he was wearing didn't even come close to covering his colossal gut. She didn't even want to guess at what some of the stains on said shirt might have been. He was also balding, but what little hair he did have was ear-length and greasy-looking. His pudgy face was covered in stubble and splotches of acne, and his nose was big enough that if he wasn't careful could probably inhale a small bird.

All in all, he was probably the most hideous looking thing she'd seen since Mad-Eye Moody. Not that she would say anything about it; since he was here he must have been a member of the Order that she just wasn't familiar with, and she definitely didn't want to go around insulting any of them.

Except Snape, of course.

"It's okay," she responded. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"No problem, then," the man said cheerily. The smile left his face as he scratched the side of his head. "You haven't seen Harry around, have you? I was talking to him a few minutes ago and then he just left."

She shook her head. "I'm actually looking for him now, as well."

The man drooped slightly. "I see. Well, if you do see him, tell him I'm looking for him, will ya?"

"Sure." Only when the man walked around the corner and down the stairs did Hermione realize she should have asked for his name. Oh well, if Harry already knew him then he'd know who she was talking about.

Ten more minutes of searching finally led her to the top floor of the manor, where she finally found the boys in one of the rooms.

"Here you are," she began, sounding exasperated. "I've been trying to find..." She trailed off when she noticed the odd state that the boys were in. "What's wrong?" she demanded.

Harry was currently curled up on the bed, arms wrapped tightly around his legs and he stared at the empty wall and slowly rocked back and forth. Ron, for his part, was awkwardly patting his friend on the shoulder, looking as confused as Hermione sounded.

The bookworm quickly joined them on the bed. "What's wrong?" she asked again.

Ron shrugged helplessly. "Beats me. He just came in about twenty minutes ago and hasn't moved or said anything since. He just lies there and whimpers a little from time to time."

Right on cue, Harry made a weak noise resemblant of a hurt puppy.

"Harry," Hermione said soothingly. "Did someone hurt you? Was it Snape?"

Harry gave a small shake of his head, refusing to look at his friends.

"Is your scar bothering you again?" Ron ventured a guess.

Another shake 'no'.

"You didn't have another nightmare about...Sirius or your parents, did you?" Hermione tried again, which also received a negative.

The two shared a look of confusion. "I don't get it then," Ron stated. "You were acting just fine a couple hours ago."

"...was just...curious."

Looks of surprise appeared on their faces at finally getting a spoken response from him. "What was that, Harry?"

"Just wanted to see..." Harry mumbled in a low whisper. "Said she'd show me if...boyfriend..."

"Boyfriend?" Ron parroted.

"Show you what?" Hermione asked.

Harry went on, seemingly unaware that his friends were still questioning him. "...started kissing...touching and...stuff. ...And then...and then..."

"And then what, Harry?" Hermione prompted.


"There you are!" came a cry from the doorway. The group turned, finding the man that Hermione had bumped into earlier. Harry shuddered and pressed himself up against the headboard of the bed.

"I've been looking all over for you, Harry Potter!" the man continued in a scolding manner. "That is not appropriate boyfriend behavior!"

Harry began to sob.

"Who the hell are you?!" Ron demanded.

The man frowned, then looked down at himself. "Oh bugger, I forgot! And here I've let half the Order see me like this!" The man proceeded to scrunch up his face and, to the horror of everyone else in the room, turned back to the spiky pink-haired Nymphadora Tonks.

"That's better," she said with a sigh. She then ran over, hefted Harry effortlessly onto her shoulder, and made her way to the door. "Come on, Love. I have a few more things I want to show you."

"Help me," Harry managed to sob out before disappearing out of the room.

A very long and uncomfortable silence followed, as Ron and Hermione stared at the door in slack-jawed shock, looking for all the world like their brains had just shattered. After a few more minutes of doing absolutely nothing, they both pulled out their wands.

"We Obliviate each other on three," Hermione commanded.

"Right," Ron said, raising his wand.

The End


So yeah, I went on a Harry/Tonks binge two days ago, and I found it a bit annoying that so many of them had to involve Tonks showing Harry what her real form was, only to have her be (just as/even more) beautiful than she already was. Maybe it's a silly thing to vent over, but repetitive plotlines are boring. Also repetitive and boring about Harry/Tonks is that more often than not, Harry ends up being a metamorphmagus too...but that's a mockery for another time.

Have a nice day.