Confuse a Sesshoumaru
By Hikari Hime
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor The Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch "Confuse-a-cat" .
Warning: This is my first pathetic attempt at humour. Please do not sue me for it. Beware of the eventual lack of intelligent plot (not that there is any in my usual writing lol) and OOCness. I hope there won't be any, but, be honest, nothing as absurd as this would happen in an Inuyasha episode. As always, this is canon verse... Well, as much as it can be...
Dedication: This One shot is in response to Mama sama's challenge/prompt. And as a Monty Python fan to another, I dedicate this to her. I hope I'll meet your expectations, if not, I'm really sorry. Please believe I've done my best.
I wrote it in Sesshoumaru's POV... Well... If you really want a reason for that... It just came out this way (sheepish grin).
Spring was here again. Sun warmth had stripped the wind of its former coldness and all forest flora and fauna were waking up progressively. The great cycle of life had bitten its proverbial tail again as young birds cracked the egg shell that was binding them with their deceptively fragile beaks. Chirping happily at the first ray of sun that warmed its blind and frail form, it never saw the predator coming.
A still slightly slimy small snake swallowed the chick, taking its first repast in its short life with a silent gulp and a wave of its young but deadly head.
An unmoving being was left unaware of Nature's tragedy, or uncaring, really. What would a demon of his stature do with this knowledge? Weak died as strong survived. He could have sighed at the boredom of it all, but that was something he never had indulged in.
He stayed still, monolithic as a piece of Italian marble, shutting out the worried stares his companions would grace him with thinking he wasn't aware of their attentions.
He didn't even budge an eye brow when the haphazard pack of his hanyou half-brother entered the clearing, ignoring the ear-shattering squeak from his annoying green chewy toy and the girlish giggles escaping the tooth gaped grin of his pre pubertal ward.
Only his silver mane and his silken clothing were billowing in the breeze, hinting at the fact that he wasn't a stylized reproduction of a French artist sculpture, if you excluded the fact that Rhodin was not even born yet.
After the usual Inuyasha-bashing for bad mouthing in front of -not so much- unsuspecting and innocent ears, the miko and the houshi approached Jaken with cautious glances at the immobile dog.
"What happened to him?" The girl murmured, as if she didn't want to wake him up from a nap.
"This is not of your concern, you filthy human wench!!" The humanoid toad's high pitched moaning was interrupted by a graceful sway of the monk's shakujo. Gratitude washed the prairie as silence invaded it again. A stomp punctuated the projectile landing, as Jaken cushioned it with his slightly flattened head.
Rin answered in a more intelligent way.
"Rin doesn't know. Sesshoumaru sama has been like this for days now. He's not even sleeping or eating."
"It seems" Said Miroku with a concentrated frown "That Sesshoumaru sama is suffering from an unusual affliction that us, holy people, haven't named yet. It's some sort of immortality curse, when you can't grasp at your surroundings with any amount of interest, some sort of lingering boredom..."
"He's moping." Interrupted the child.
"Hm. Yes, you can say that. I'll have to remember this one. When was the last time you confused your Lord?" Asked the ever lecherous human with a suggestive waggle of his brows.
The humour in the monk's tone escaping both women completely, they did the only thing female beings could think of when at their wits' end. They gaped.
"We should make camp here. Perhaps we can think about something to do after a good brainstorming." The futuristic saying put confused expressions on the bystander's features, but she didn't heed them as she launched her old fashioned yellowish back pack onto the ground.
Inuyasha, having extricated himself out of his body shaped crater, began to shout again.
"What the §£ Kagome, you want to help my §£ of a brother?" A scolding sapphire eyed miko stopped him in his bout of endless ranting.
"Of course Inuyasha. He hadn't tried to kill anyone of us for some time now, not even you, and he helped us with Naraku a few months ago."
The disbelieving frown marring her best friends' face talked volumes about his disagreement, but he held his tongue, willing to avoid any more dirt-inhaling for the next hours or so.
Following their unsuspecting Alpha female, the group settled for the evening around a small fire a few yards from the youkai stone furniture.
Nothing would make him move.
Not when the monk had been rewarded for his lecherous ways by a resonating blow dealt by a now blasé Sango.
Not when Rin and Shippo had played a new version of tag with Jaken, the game ending with a whimpering and helpless imp tied to a tree with an innocent apple displayed on his head. The kit had wanted to impress the human child with his fox fire, the show finishing with a slightly toasted wide eyed batrachian, cooked fruit sliding down his green cheeks.
The group's usual routine, with it's friendly bantering and intricate relationships unrolled itself under his pale nose and he never acknowledged it, immobile and coating everything in his domineering presence.
Nevertheless, something caught his attention.
A flowery scent invaded his inner universe as the miko and slayer came back from the onsen nearby. His nostrils flared at the fragrance, tickling his hormones as effectively as a bitch on heat.
That was not possible. He was as frigid as anyone could be, the Ice Prince not being his nick name in higher society for nothing. He didn't even have proper descendants, which was a lot to say for a six hundred year old bachelor. He took pride in the fact that he controlled everything in his own anatomy, his libido being the least of his problems.
That was a challenge, obviously, and he felt somehow relieved. He had been so bored since the last somewhat interesting foe had been removed from his lands, he didn't enjoy anything any more, even the usual brotherly sparring.
Spanking Inuyasha had been a good occupation for the last centuries, but now...
His miko proved to be more entertaining than him.
He looked as she squealed and subjugated her hanyou friend after an indelicate remark had escaped his foul mouth about her clothing, or lack thereof, around his half brother no less.
But he couldn't let his cold façade slip, even when she had brandished a rubber chicken out of her bag like a holy weapon and had swatted the unruly puppy on his head with the wobbling accessory, ordering him to go and wash his mouth with soap.
He waited till night had fallen and everybody was sleeping, even Inuyasha, perched on a tree branch as usual. He moved cautiously towards the woman child buried in her bright coloured bed roll, snaked his two strong arms around her slightly snoring unsuspecting form and took off. A feminine squeal of fright echoed in the distance as the once bored Daiyoukai kidnapped his latest squeaky rubber toy, namely Kagome.
Everyone else woke up with a start, but a clever sentence of the ever depraved holy man stopped Inuyasha on his way to rescue his friend.
"Well... I wager Sesshoumaru sama had never found a creature as confusing as our Kagome sama." With a knowing smile and a last waggling of his brows, he settled back to sleep.