Summary: Lily always knew she was rubbish at history, but there are many factors to add in to explain her grade. She takes all of them in during the exam and instead decides to go mad.
Disclaimer: I don't own it, Jo does.
How I Failed My History of Magic Exam
a Siriusly Klutzy story.
NEWTs are a pain. I mean honestly, when am I ever going to need to spontaneously prattle off information about the history of magic? Never. I will never be held, possibly facing death, with the threat that if I can't name the first three Minister's of Magic then they'll hex my brains out or throw me off of a cliff. Ever.
And if I were put in that situation, it'd be by an old loon of a teacher who thinks History of Magic is important, and I would have them instituted in Saint Mungos in a heartbeat. Besides, what with this deranged war going on, I think we've got better stuff to learn about.
And yet here I sit, in the middle of my History of Magic NEWT, trying to remember four reasons to the Goblin rebellion, which happened five hundred years ago! I don't think that information is relevant! They're not going to have another rebellion! I mean, the goblins are happy where they are at Gringott's. They love doing what they're doing! And why shouldn't they? They're counting money for Merlin's sake! I'd love to be a goblin!
Alice is to my left, a couple rows up, writing like mad. She's probably got ink splattered on her face from the speed of her quill! I'd bet her answers are eight sentences longer than mine, and do you know how much Alice paid attention in History of Magic? Never! She never paid attention and yet she was the one who knew more information than I did! And I- occasionally- took notes! But she never did! Where's the fairness in that?
Not to mention the fact that approximately, oh, directly in front of me, James Potter is sitting, taking his bloody exam. And you know what? He looks amazing doing it, as well. Occasionally his hand will go up to rub the back of his neck, probably because he's confused. Don't worry, James, I'm confused, too. I have no idea why any of this matters when I want to be a Charms expert.
It doesn't. You don't need history to pursue a career in Charms! Why, oh why did I bother with this useless class? It's not paying off now, and it never ever will.
Do you know what's horrible- well, in this case great- about June? The heat! In some cases, it can be terrible, and we'd all be sweltering. Actually, I am sweltering. My hands are clammy and my legs are sticking to the chair. It's quite uncomfortable! But the good thing is that boys tend to wear t-shirts.
Let me explain. Currently, James is taking his exam and, well, in order to write, you need to use your arms. And he's sitting at an angle- why? I don't know. I'd ask him but that might get me kicked out or something. Though that could potentially be a good thing if I didn't have to finish the exam- so I have this great view of his arm. All because it's June and he's wearing a t-shirt. It's pretty much the only upside to this whole exam thing.
I don't even know how we got in this order. I really don't think Professor Binns ever bothered to learn his alphabet because Lily Evans shouldn't be sitting behind James Potter. I should probably be sitting behind Fay Etties, but lo and behold she's all the way on the other side of the room behind Zach Arthur.
It's probably all the system. They knew I wouldn't be able to do anything under these circumstances! Think about it:
Lily Evans – knowledge of the magical history – her sanity + high temperatures + 2(James Potter wearing a t-shirt) a very low grade on her History of Magic exam.
They could have even taken out the James factor seeing as that part counts double because he's the most distracting. Obviously. The heat is nothing compared to how distracting James bleeding Potter is. So I could deal with the heat, the fact that I'm slowly going insane (most likely do to the James factor), and the fact that I know nothing about history. Heck, I could even make up the last part. Most of it is wars anyway, and goblins are almost always involved because they're violent little things. It wouldn't be that hard to make up.
Maybe I should take another look at the test.
In 1455, what was the leading cause of dragon pox throughout Northern Ireland?
The leading cause of dragon pox? How in the name of Merlin am I supposed to know what the leading cause of dragon pox was in Ireland? I can tell you who Ireland's leading Quidditch team is along with the captain and two beaters, but I don't know their dragon pox history.
And how pathetic is that? I know more about Ireland's quidditch team than I do about their history. Me! Accident prone, quidditch repellent Lily Evans!
I'm really tempted to- Oh, oh, oh! There he goes again! Rubbing the back of his neck and letting out a sigh of frustration! He dropped his quill on his desk and is now stretching! Oh sweet Merlin. I don't think I can handle that.
One, two, three! Pass out, Lily! Come on! Come on! It'd be much easier than watching him stretch, granted much less interesting.
Nothing. Damn. He's twisting in his chair now, perhaps trying to crack his back? Oh, I don't know, but his arms are flexing as he does it. Oh boy, if there were an Olympics for chair twisting, James Potter would take home the gold!
Oh Merlin, he saw me. I tried to pretend I was staring off, thinking deeply about the dragon pox question (but how would he know what question I was on?). But that failed because I grinned and let out a nervous giggle. He smirked back and turned back to his test.
Fan-bloodyt-tastic. He probably knows that I know that he would do well in the chair twisting Olympics! How embarrassing!
He's back to working now. I should probably do that, too. Okay, next question.
How did the dragon pox epidemic of 1455 affect the Irish wizarding society?
What in the bleeding hell is going on with all of these dragon pox questions? Was that all the history was? Dragon pox and goblins? Both of which are things I know nothing about?
I wrote something down about how it turned them all mad, especially the little kids, because they thought they would turn into dragons, but really that only happened once. The turning into dragons part, but it wasn't even because of dragon pox. It was a badly pronounced spell. Maybe I'll get partial credit…
There's got to be someone else here who has no idea what they're doing. I can't be the only idiot in the room. Okay, so I'll have a coughing fit and search for tissues in my pocket while being incognito and looking around the room so see if anyone else is going mad.
Right, so Sirius is lounging back on his chair a bunch of rows behind me and to the left. But it's Sirius. Do I really want to be on the same level as him? Let me try again.
Benjy Fenwick is biting the end of his quill so much it might fall off, but I don't know if it's because he doesn't know what he's doing or if he just has a bad case of a pen-chewing disorder. Remus was furiously working (of course), Alice was still going strong. Peter Pettigrew was even working diligently. Marlene was staring at her paper, and possibly writing something but it could just as well be doodles. Or she could be working her way to an O.
I am a failure at History of Magic.
But on the plus side, there's only five more minutes left of being a failure. Now everyone is rustling through their papers to make sure they've got everything. I know I did, I answered every question, albeit wrongly. Well, maybe not all of them were wrong. Most of them were, I bet. But they're answered.
I started flipping through my book, too, just to look like I was doing something, even though for the past three hours I successfully managed to achieve the look of not doing something. Which probably isn't something that should be practiced during an exam, but it's too late for that now.
James had his papers all nice and neat in the corner of his desk, and his quills were lying on the other side, ink bottle at the top. How did he have enough time to take the whole test and get all of his things to look neat? It's obvious, there's something crazy about that boy. No wonder I couldn't concentrate.
The heat's getting worse, though. The sun, even if it is a fake sun on an enchanted ceiling, is beating on my neck. You'd think they'd fix that. I didn't even realize it until now, after seven years. It took me that long to notice that the sun feels the same inside and out.
But then how come we can't feel the rain when it's raining outside? That's kind of strange, though good. Getting wet in the morning would be horrible.
Frank Longbottom just sneezed. I wonder if I tried to telepathically tell him "Bless you" he'd get it. Probably not. I suppose I could just say it, but I wouldn't want any of the mad ministry officials who came to oversee the test taking to swoop down on me and tear up my (horrible) test. Three hours wasted. Not that they weren't anyway, but still. I wouldn't want it torn up right in front of me!
Professor McGonagal just collected our papers. I'm assuming that means we can leave now. Judging by the fact that everyone was talking ("What'd you put down for the one about the goblins?"- because, you know, that isn't broad at all!) and standing up, shoving quills in their bags, and making their escape as fast as possible, I'm going to have to say the answer is yes.
"How do you think you did?" James asked me once I'd come back to my senses. Most people are out of the hall now. He's stuffing my quills into my bag, such a gentleman.
"Oh Merlin, there's no way I passed." I answered him honestly. He's giving me a completely mad look. His cute (oh boy, if this is what finally getting the guy is like, someone really should hold me at wandpoint and base my life or death on history) eyebrow is raised.
"I'm sure you did fine," he's saying, trying to assure me. Boy, that's a failure. I know that I did miserably.
"Don't try and sugar coat it," I answer sweetly. "I know I did horribly. And, actually, it's your fault now that I think about it."
He looks flabbergasted. Good. Just what I was going for. This should keep him distracted for long enough so that he won't start asking me about specific questions.
"How is it my fault?"
I just met Alice and she's gushing about how horrible it was, but how she thinks she did alright. She probably did great because she can sleep during class and absorb information.
"Darling," I say. That exam must have really gotten to my head. Darling? Between that, James's arms, and the heat I should probably get a room in Saint Mungos. "If you weren't so pretty, I wouldn't have been distracted."
"Pretty?" he asks, rolling his eyes but grabbing my hand. Obviously he wasn't that mad about it.
"Let's get out of here," Alice says. She's ushering us towards the door where Frank is waiting. She probably will want to head down to the kitchens to get some after-exam food. I don't blame her. I'm starving and brownies sound fantastic!
"Good idea," I agree, dragging James behind me.
A/n: Okay, I'm not going to lie to you. This was very spur of the moment, even (kind of) written in a different tense which, if you couldn't tell, I'm horrible at! I can do the thinking part of it, but when it comes to dialogue… well… you just saw it. But basically I wanted to let you guys know that if I don't update before Tuesday it's because I am going to be running around studying nonstop for the entire weekend (with one small break that would be prom) for my APs.
My history exam is tomorrow, hence the Lily going crazy in this one, so it's kind of based on my rambling thoughts. To be honest, I came up with the idea so that I could get it out to some of you about my tests and why it's taking me so long. I'm not worried, I know I'm going to do badly. I would have put this all on my bio page but it, for some reason, didn't want to cooperate for me.
So! Review if you'd like, it'd certainly make me feel better during those horrible exams!! And congrats on making it through another Siriusly Klutzy drabble!
Much love and a nice smart boy to help you study so you don't get distracted by him during the actual exam!