So much had changed. Sam felt a darkness fill his soul. Dean knew his brother was in pain but he let it slide for a few days before asking Sam about it. After all, Dean avoided talking about feelings at all costs. And, if it had been something simple to fix, Sam would have just flat out told him what it was.
Dean had a plan. He brought some beer and snacks back to the motel, figuring he'd have to get Sam a little loosened up before he'd want to talk. Dean knew his brother well. That little nudge did the trick.
"I've lost so much," Sam said to his beer bottle. "It seems like my whole life that I worked for since leaving for Stanford is gone. Let's face it, it is."
"You could go back to school."
"Jess wouldn't be there. And it wouldn't be right to be there without her."
"You'll find someone else, Sam. I'm sure you will."
Sam shook his head. "It's so much more than that."
"More than what?" Dean watched as silent tears slid down Sam's face. "I don't know, Sam. You need to tell me."
"A few weeks before it all happened, I came home to find Jess in tears. She found out that she was pregnant and she was scared that I'd be mad." Sam had to stop to catch his breath through his tears.
"Sam, I'm so sorry. I didn't know." Dean reached out for Sam, but he held a hand up for Dean to stay away. He needed to finish what he had to say.
"I told her we'd be fine. We could still stay in school, I could just get another job. I was happy about the baby and being a dad. Even as I told her those words, I was terrified of what was going to happen. I just held her and kept telling her those assurances that we'd be fine and that a baby was a good thing. What I didn't realize, what I didn't know, until I saw Jess on the ceiling, was that more than anything, I wanted that baby. I was meant to be that baby's father. I didn't know how much the very core of me needed that until I had it taken away." Sam dissolved into tears.
Dean moved closer to Sam and Sam allowed himself to be held. Dean was trying to whisper comforting words through his own tears. He resorted to just rocking Sam because he knew that his words could in no way make up for the woman and baby that Sam had brutally taken from him.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Dean asked with red-rimmed eyes.
"I couldn't admit it out loud." Sam's lower lip trembled.
"I'm here, Sam. I'm not going anywhere. Whenever you're hurting, I want to know." Dean thought for a moment. "Would you feel better if you wrote the baby a letter and buried it in Jessica's grave the next time we swing through there?"
"Maybe," Sam said as he wiped his eyes.
"It's not something you need to do today or tomorrow. Just when you feel like it. You can just rest here for how."
Sam rested his head back down on Dean as Dean held him close. Distraught as he was, he could still fall asleep because Dean had always been his caretaker and protector.