Disclaimer: I don't own Tsukihime
This story is a little contest thing I've done on forums. It's all nothing but journal entries by Shiki Tohno, so please enjoy this. I have for sure. The dates shown at the begining of each entry is actually the day's I've posted them, just a little fun fact of mine.
The story itself takes place after the end of the anime series... well a little bit furthur than that. Or to be more exact it takes place after the Visual Novel Arcueid true moon ending. And also maybe a little bit before the Melty Blood game and mangas. In any case you'll see...
Tsukihime: Shiki's Journal
It's been far too long since that day. I've lived for far too long with this death perception, I think I'm going to go insane. But I don't want that, I don't want to hurt my family or friends. But I can't help it. I need Arcueid with me, she's always been there to help me through hard times like this. But I can't blame her…after all if I had killed Roa in the first place…she wouldn't have died. It's all my fault. It's been years since I've seen Arcueid, and I find it harder everyday to live without her. I sometimes even think my life is pointless now that I don't have her. Without her I will go insane and I think I'm starting to lose my sanity already.
It was yesterday when I was speaking to Satsuki on the way back home. I was being overcome by a sudden urge…to kill Satsuki. I can't believe I had those feelings, I COULDN'T believe myself, thinking about ripping her apart into tiny pieces made my heart pound with excitement. I can't explain why it was happening but I never felt that way since I killed Arcueid, like something was possessing me. When Satsuki was walking away I soon found myself following her silently like I was getting ready to murder her! But I took control of my body just in time, I had my 'Seven Nights' (Nanaya) blade drawn and ready to strike but threw it away. Satsuki saw turned and saw me and ran to my side wondering what was wrong. I hugged her…tightly…I was in complete shock on how close I was to killing her. I hate myself.
I returned home after than and was greeted warmly by Hisui-san, Kohaku-san, Akiha, Len, and Miyako. I could only wish that I would never have the thoughts of killing them as I did Satsuki… that would just be too horrible.
But my nightmare came true…
Before I was going to go asleep, Len slept next to me, I was wide awake though, I couldn't get to sleep. Something was keeping me up. A voice echoed through my head. 'Kill…Kill her…' The voice in my head, my eyes turned to Len. 'Kill her now…slice off her head…chop her up…end her life…NOW' my hands reached under my pillow and pulled out my blade again. I was shocked to see it after I thought I ditched it after the whole Satsuki thing, but it's back. My body seemed to have a mind of it's own again, I was holding the blade at Len's neck and removed my glasses. The tip of the blade was right on her 'Origin' point. 'YES!! YES!! DO IT!! DO IT!!'
I had to do something…something to stop myself. So I drove the blade right into my chest where I still had my wound. So much blood came out…so much pain…but…Len was safe.
I woke up after that and found myself still alive, my wound had healed and there was no signs of blood on my sheets. Len was also gone and the sun shined brightly through my window. I don't know but I think it was just a bad dream. I wish it were only a bad dream. As I write these words I can see Len walking into my room rubbing her eyes and I knew that everyone was still okay…
If only that were true for me.
If only that were true for Arcueid…god how I miss her so.
I was able to fight the growing urge within me to kill for as long as I could so far, but with every passing moment it seems to be taking over my body. This…this presence inside me, just what the hell is it?
I've had to take some drastic actions lately to fight this urge to…kill…
I had to tell Akiha everything, I didn't want to endanger her or anyone else in any more. I told her of my plan to isolate myself from everyone for their own safety. But…but she was completely against it and I couldn't believe this but she told everyone else about my sudden urge to kill. Their reaction was not exactly what I had expected…they…they comforted me, they supported me. They believed that I could actually over come this ordeal if I tried hard enough.
I couldn't believe them…their love and support for me was so strong I really did believe I could over come this. But…they were wrong.
About 3 days ago, 2 le I was talking to Satsuki and Inui outside of school at the gates, I was suddenly compelled to…decapitate them both into little tiny pieces and bathe in their blood. The voice in my head wanted me to kill them again.
Before I lost myself I ran from them. Ran as far as I could. Ran so far that no one could find me, no one would speak to me. The only place I knew that was safe…
That place where I met Aoko. That was the only place that I knew that no one ever came too. Here I could just relax, take in the calm blowing wind, and lay on the soft blades of grass as I stared up into the clear blue sky.
It was at that time that I remembered what Aoko had told me. She told me that I couldn't come here anymore. I always wondered why she told me that. There never seemed to be any harm in coming back here. But I was happy then when she had told me her name. Aoko Aozaki, that name I will never forget.
When I was walking back to the Tohno Estate I found myself in a forest I've never been through before. But that's what I get for walking around spaced out. I walked around for a while before I just collapsed from exhaustion, I couldn't believe that I was lost.
That second I lost control. I drew out my dagger and started to tear apart the entire forest. I saw it all happen before me. I saw my own hands take off my glasses and slice of the trees mercilessly. I know that they weren't exactly living like humans or animals, but Aoko had taught me that all I was doing…it was all wrong.
Before I knew it I had cleared an entire path out of the forest. So many trees had vanished. I felt terrible, like I had just killed someone. But the urge to kill was gone. Maybe it was just my anger taking control.
I returned back to the Tohno Estate after that to test myself. The influence to kill had dissipated for now. I was able to finally look at the people I cared about without fearing for their safety. I was for once a little happy in my life.
Now today had been the same for the past couple of days. My urge to kill has seemed to vanish and for now I can live normally.
It is now 11:30 A.M, I skipped school today due to me not exactly feeling like myself, and with me that is extremely dangerous. I still haven't told anyone of that little incident in the forest 3 days ago, I wouldn't want to scare anyone. But I really hate to lie to Akiha…
My search for Arcueid is still going on, I still haven't given up on her. I cannot let her keep doing this her whole life anymore, I must help her…I…
We promised to go on a date…to do useless things…
Everyone else might of given up on you Arcueid, but I know deep within my heart that you are out there…somewhere…waiting for another life to begin. But I cannot allow that, you've lived for far too long with this great burden on you. I have to help you.
I will continue to look for you. With the help of Len I'm sure I will find you…someday.
My search has lasted…for 8 months now. But I will keep on searching until I find you.
I've returned from a long search and am now back home, it's now 9:27 P.M. Akiha wasn't too happy after finding out that I played hooky. I can't blame Hisui-san for telling her. After all I had been acting strange, stranger then when I was out hunting Roa with Arcueid. She was starting to get suspicious again. She's keeping a closer eye on me now. She'll soon find out what's going on, that's just like her.
Akiha has been worried about me for a long time now, ever since I came to the Tohno estate. But things seemed different now. She knows what I'm capable of and knows what I'm going through. There were no more secrets in the Tohno estate, everything I wanted to know was at my finger tips and that was much better than before. But something's I wished I didn't know. I…I couldn't believe what they put Kohaku through…how can she act this way after everything they've done to her?! It's too horrible.
I wish I could make it up to her.
She always smiles and goes on with her days as if she was actually happy. She really worries me… Maybe I should take her out sometime and show her that I'm her friend.
Yeah…I'll do that very soon.
Today things had fairly gone well as I hoped things would be. But not exactly the perfect way, but non-the-less I am happy. It was fortunate for me today because school was actually cancelled due to a recent flu that was going around the school. It seemed only a handful of people, including me, were not sick and thus we were advise to no attend school. So I decided to take Kohaku to go out on a little date as I wanted to before. She seemed very happy at my little friendly gesture. Although…my plans where not as I wanted since Kohaku actually invited Miyako, Len, Hisui, and even Akiha to come with us. Not what I really wanted but it was all okay.
To my dismay they all actually wanted to come with us. Akiha was actually the happiest of them all. It's been such a long time since we spent any time together, Akiha and me.
We started things off by going to the amusement park to play some games and go on the many rides. Miyako was really energetic at that time and it was nearly impossible to keep up with her. Len seemed to be enjoying herself with Miyako, they are really good buddies like they were best friends and I think they are. Now Akiha really surprised me, she was really enthusiastic with anything and everything we've done. I guess it was because this time Arcuied and Ciel weren't with us like last time. It was good to see my sister like this, in such a good mood. Kohaku and Hisui however were a bit harder to manage. No matter what I tried to do Hisui seemed to always stay the same, in the same plain old mood that made her seem emotionless. And Kohaku happily stayed by her sister's side. I really tried my best to get them involved.
To end our final moments in the amusement I decided that we should go and ride the Ferris wheel. This reminded me of so much of the first time I went to the park with Arcuied. We decided to pair up by randomly drawing numbers from 6 different pieces of paper. Each having 1, 2, or 3 on 2 of them. I was paired up with Hisui. Akiha was with Kohaku. And Miyako was with Len. I wanted to be with Kohaku to talk, but it seemed I needed to talk with Hisui as well.
This was my chance.
We climbed into out seats together from across eachother and watch outside as we started to slowly move up. I asked her the usual questions; how was your day? And such. She answered them all happily and I could've sworn I saw a hint of blushing on her face…it was cute. But I had to ask her a serious question that's been bothering me lately. I needed to know why she was always acting so emotionless unlike her sister.
I was not prepared for her answer at all, it was so unexpected.
Her exact words were…"Please understand Master Shiki that I am this way not because I hate you so please don't think of that. The matter is that I'm only trying my best to make you happy. I've been hiding my true feelings for you that I actually really love you a lot. But I did not want to jeopardize you in anyway and I don't want you to get in trouble with Master Akiha. Besides I know that you love miss Arcuied so I hid my emotions. I'm sorry If I worried you. Let us please just enjoy the view."
And we did…we didn't talk the rest of the ride.
It was near 3:00 when we decided that we were going to head home. But Akiha stopped us and surprised us with several boxed lunches she brought with her for everyone. She wanted to have a little picnic with everyone to end the day out. It was a good idea, I felt really bad what happened next though.
On our way out of the park I ran into my good friend Inui. He had some bad news for me. Satsuki was one of the people who got sick from the flu and Inui had told me that she wasn't doing too well at her house. Her parents were out that day and had no knowledge of Satsuki's sickness. I was really worried and had to go check up on her. I said my good-byes to Akiha and the others and dashed alone to Satsuki's house.
I knocked on her door loudly but remembered that she was probably sick in her bed and couldn't come to the door. So I just opened the door and saw her at the top of the stairs. She was about to walk down and answer the door in her state, I felt so bad. I was shocked when she looked at me and started to fall, I ran to her and caught her before she hit the ground.
She was now in bed, sleeping soundly. Her state seemed to be stable as I went to go make her some tea and set it aside on her table. It was good to see Satsuki's sleeping peacefully without a worry in the world. She slept with a smile knowing that Shiki was watching over her.
That's when everything went straight to hell. I can't explain it but I was suddenly compelled to kill again. It was telling me to put her out of her misery…to end her life with my own hands. I couldn't control myself…something else was controlling my body. I could see myself wrapped my hands around Satsuki's neck and tightening my grip, choking her. Her eyes shot open and looked right at me. She couldn't breathe, she was going to die. I felt a strange sensation on the lips and noticed I was…smiling. But I saw her crying and my senses shot right back to me. I fell back down and stared at her like I just saw a ghost. She looked at me with fear in her eyes as she gasped for air and panted. I…I almost killed her, JUST WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!
All I could do was run…run away…run away as she called out my name, hoping to get me back.
I'm now in the forest where I once got lost in. I was able to get home without no-one knowing and took my journal with me. I've been thinking for a long time now and I've come to a decision as I write this.
I've come to a decision…that there was only one way that I can for sure protect the ones I care about most. I had to permanently stop myself from ever trying to harm them. I have to die. I'm sorry Arcuied…I really wanted to find you and keep my promise to do useless things with you once again, but I need to protect them from myself or else I'll just keep coming back. I'm so sorry everyone. This dagger…this Nanaya dagger…it shall finally end this pain that I've been living with all this time. This will finally erase those lines that clouded my judgement.
I shall finally give in to it's desire…and kill…
--Shiki Tohno, Deceased--
March 29th 12:00am
I'm sorry but I just couldn't allow this to happen. To lose someone as important as Shiki would be too grave of a loss for us all. I could not let him just kill himself like that. I just know that Shiki is much stronger than this. He must live on to experience a full happy life.
This message is for you people living at the Tohno estate. I hope this will answer your question about the whereabouts of Shiki. You need not worry.
I found him lying against a bloody tree in this forest that seemed to be untouched by the world around it. From what I've seen it looks as if he was trying to kill himself. I then read his previous entry and was shocked at what he wanted to do. I was happy that his attempts failed. He fainted from the blood loss he suffered from the many cuts he inflicted on himself. I was able to stop his bleeding and save his life. I was so relieved.
I have no idea why I am doing this for him; I think that it must be love or something like that. I've always done strange things with him and love must be the feeling I have for him. But all I knew was that I was strangely drawn to him to this exact location. I felt the pain he was suffering, I felt the beating of his heart as if it was in my own chest, and I felt his very soul. It was like he was apart of me.
So do not worry about him. I will take care of Shiki for the time being and help him conquer this deep urge within his head. I will help him defeat the lines of death that have plagued him for far too long. He is strong; I know he can do it. After all...I love him.
I will return him to those at the Tohno estate once he is ready to face his loved ones. Please...you must believe in him. You may not know it but he needs you all for emotional support. As long as you believe in him I'm sure he can pull this off.
And Akiha...don't worry. I wouldn't harm him in anyway.
Zero Eiyuu: Hmm... sadly back then this story didn't win the contest, I wasn't mad or anything, I was happy because it gave me a challenge to see how quickly I can make a half decent story... or journal entry, hah. Well that's it though.
Hope you liked it.