Note: I had this idea, and simply could not shake it off. XD I love Motoko to tiny bits, and I hope no one takes this as mindless bashing, because gosh darn it, this isn't to be taken seriously. Relax.

Disclaimer: Ha, I don't own it. Or any other trademarked stuff mentioned in this story. I do, however, own the ridiculously long title.

The Epic Catfight of Tohru Honda and Machi Kuragi

It was a warm day, somewhere near the beginning of spring, when Motoko Minagawa devised her scheme. This was not an unusual thing; in fact, the Prince Yuki Fan Club expected to hear one at least every other week from their plotting leader. This plan, however, struck her while she sat at home, watching one of her soaps.

Motoko Minagawa, it should be noted, does enjoy her soaps, particularly the American ones. In fact, she has a fanfiction account devoted entirely to Grey's Anatomy, though she has been known to dabble in The OC occasionally.

This brilliant plan, however, occurred while watching an obscure soap she had stumbled upon while visiting her grandmother the summer before last. The main male lead was a dashingly handsome Australian young man (whose acting was rather deplorable, but his face gorgeous enough to overshadow that little detail) and two lovely leading ladies that each got a chance every other episode to win his affections.

However, episode 217 set the gears working in Motoko Minagawa's devious mind.

Because in episode 217, these two beautiful girls nearly clawed each other to death with their manicured nails, all while screaming, "Michael is mine! Mine!" And more importantly, it was in episode 217 that Michael—that hunky, handsome, muscular piece of blue-eyed man-candy—stood up, and finally announced, "I refuse to be treated as a piece of meat! Neither of you shall have me, for I am not a man to be had, but a man to be loved."

It should also be noted that the scripting in these soaps was about as illustrious as the acting.

At any rate, the damage had been done, for as Motoko Minagawa was about to shove another fistful of popcorn into her mouth, a proverbial lightbulb clicked in her mind. The kernels fell from her tongue as she stared at the TV screen in some sort of awestruck reverence; its fuzzy screen had just inspired the plan of the century:

The plan that would eliminate both threats to Yuki's well-being at once.

And with a well-earned fit of villainous laughter, President Motoko basked in the glow of her brilliance.

Or so she thought.


"In essence, we'll have Tohru Honda and Machi Kuragi destroy themselves." The president stood at the chalkboard, ruler in hand as her eyes glittered in anticipation. "We both know they only want one thing, don't we, girls?"

"Prince Yuki," was the solemn chorus.

"Yes, our dear prince." Motoko sighed, wiping a sentimental tear form her eye. "Why, when I think of him, being manipulated on both sides by these dreadful, conniving, devious little witches, I just--!"

Vice-president Minami Kinoshita patted her senpai on the back reassuringly, and offered her a handkerchief, which she blew her nose into quite noisily.

"Thank you, Minami." Suddenly the smile was back. "It's quite a simple strategy, you see. Tohru Honda and Machi Kuragi have but to know of their competition, and they'll do all the work for us. They'll be so blinded by the green monster of jealousy that they won't stop until they've completely ripped their rival to shreds. All we have to do is convince them that the other's affections are being returned by—heaven forbid!—our beloved prince. That will set them off soon enough."

A great silence hung over the Prince Yuki Fan Club as they contemplated their leader's latest scheme—something that seemed pulled from a second-rate soap opera. This, too, was not uncommon for Motoko Minagawa.

"I, for one, think it's brilliant," Minami announced decisively, holding her head high as she eyed her peers. "I mean, haven't we all been jealous of those two little sluts? Haven't we wanted to pull their hair, hang them by their toes, and laugh maniacally as we beat them with pogo-sticks?"

There were begrudging murmurs of agreement, and a few added improvisations.

Minami shrugged, pleased by this receival. "Odds are, they'd want to do the same thing to each other. We just have to let them."

"But, um, we haven't actually…done any of that stuff, Minami-senpai," Mio piped up, her brows knitted in confusion. "So why would Honda-san and Kurgai-san do it to each other?"

"We, Mio, have principles," Motoko scoffed, waving away the underclassman's silly protests. "These tramps have no rules, no boundaries, when it comes to Prince Yuki. Undoubtedly, when they realize the other's feelings towards him, they'll feel free to unleash their fury."

"But President, we like Yuki, don't we?"

Motoko rolled her eyes at this and gave the obvious affirmation.

"Don't you think they would have attacked us by now?" Mio questioned, oblivious to the surrounding girls' seething glares. President Motoko's eyes narrowed on this impudent freshman; something would have to be done about her rebellious logic.

But she was young, and silly, so there was no harm in her doubt.

"So it's agreed, then?" the president announced, her cold eyes daring any of her minions to rebuke her.

And thus it was that the decision to pit Tohru Honda and Machi Kuragi against each other was made…one vote short of unanimous.


"Eh? Sohma-san?"

Tohru blinked her big brown eyes in surprise, her cheeks flushed a faint shade of pink. This, to club member Number 2, was confirmation enough that the witch had—as suspected—a crush on the silver-haired prince of popularity. Leaning against her locker, Number 2 smiled a Chesire cat grin and said, "Uh-huh. He's crazy about her. You know, I heard him the other day talking to this kid—some loser in my English class—and he said, 'Machi is such a beautiful, talented, and (here poor Number 2 had to check her hand for the rest of her un-memorized script) understanding girl. I just wish that I could find a way to tell her how I feel.' Huh. What do you think of that?"

What indeed, Number 2 was dying to know, for Tohru had pursed her lips in silent thought, fingers idly twirling a strand of hair. "Kuragi-san? I think Kyo-kun mentioned her…isn't she the treasurer this year for Student Council?"

"Uh." Number 2 checked the emergency references scribbled on her other hand. "Yeah. That's probably where he gets close to her, I bet. All alone in that Student Council room." She nudged Tohru with her elbow, and winked.

"So…do you think that Sohma-san cares a lot about Kuragi-san?" the brunette inquired, turning towards her imploringly.

Ha! Here it was: the green monster was dying to be released, oh, Number 2 could tell. With this one answer, Tohru's innocent demeanor would shatter in favor of a stream of curses and sobs as she hunted down her new enemy in love.

"Oh, yeah. I'd say"—and here Number 2 leaned in reeeeeal close—"that he might even like her."

Tohru blinked again, the information registering. Any second now, Number 2 willed herself. Any single second now. The anger would come, and it would envelope every ounce of her sickly sweet personality and reveal the witch buried within.

"Oh, wow," Tohru answered finally, "to think that Yuki could have found someone who makes him happy—"

A benevolent smile spread across her lips.

"That's wonderful! I'm so happy for him, making new friends…he really is maturing, isn't he?" Tohru grinned.

Number 2 could not remember feeling so violently nauseous before in her life.

"Machi Kuragi is not a friend! She's—she's in love with him, okay? And he probably loves her!"

"Really?" Tohru beamed, the joy bubbling over at this new tidbit of news. "Oh, to be in love, that's absolutely wonderful! You know, he has been smiling a lot more lately--"

"But he loves you, too!"

The smile froze.

"Oh," Tohru managed finally. "Th-that's…um…me…Sohma-san and Kuragi-san…that is…well…"

On the one hand, Tohru wasn't sure how anyone could be in love with two people at once. On the other hand, she didn't know if she loved Yuki. And on the hypothetical third hand, Tohru didn't see why she should get in the way of Machi and Yuki's mutual feelings.

Number 2, however, only saw the way her enemy's face turned a ghastly white, and congratulated herself on—somehow—getting her ridiculous job done.

More importantly, she could finally wash her hands.


"Soooo, Machi. How's Student Council going?" Minami Kinoshita smiled a devilish grin, having surprised her target as she was just exiting PE class. Machi simply stared for a moment, stunned, then as the face registered—"Oh, it's one of those Yuki Fan Club freaks"—she shrugged in answer.

"You know, I bet you and the president get to all kinds of fun in that little room," Minami remarked. This, certainly, would get Machi's attention, but the underclassman just kept on staring, this time with a look close to confusion and amusement etched across her features. "Y-yeah, I mean, people would maybe even say that—that you like him," Minami continued, unnerved. "And that he likes you."

For a few moments, Machi persisted in her silence. Minami desperately tried to translate it: was she angry? Shocked? Delirious? Secretly proud her little scheme to steal the prince's heart seemed to be working? Secretly scared that it had been seen through plain as day?

"Is this a joke?"

"Wh-what?"

"Is this a senior prank?" Machi continued, her voice level and cool. "Or did Kakeru put you up to this?"

Kakeru? Who was Kakeru? Minami reddened; oh, shoot, did Machi like someone other than Yuki? Was this Kakeru some crush, or old boyfriend, or someone Machi already cared about? What if she didn't love Yuki at all?

Part of Minami jumped up for joy at the thought. Another part of her groaned that yet another of poor President Motoko's plans was doomed to failure.

"Well, that's just what I heard," Minami replied, thinking fast. "I've heard a lot of people comment on how the president treats you—it's pretty unusual."

This wasn't a lie; she'd heard plenty of people comment on it. Usually with a finishing line of, "I swear, I'll kill that d#!& freshman if she lays one hand on my darling prince!"

But she wasn't about to tell Machi that.

"I have no control on how the president treats me or on how he treats other people," Machi stated. "I don't see what you're getting at."

"G-getting at?" Minami stammered. "Oh, I was just wondering if the rumors about you dating or liking Yuki were true—I mean, I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but—"

"But what?" Machi interrupted calmly.

Minami smiled in what she hoped was a sympathetic way. It ended up looking patronizing, and Machi for one didn't enjoy being patronized. "Oh, you poor thing," Minami soothed. "He's been all over that Tohru Honda girl lately. Sneaking out with her, whispering in her ear, holding her hand and her books and the door open for her, well--! It's obvious he's fallen for her."

More silence.

Machi blinked her dark eyes at the upperclassman, and said slowly, "Yuki isn't dating me. He can date whoever he wants. That's his choice." A shrug. "It's got nothing to do with me."

"But if it weren't for Tohru Honda, Yuki would be interested in you, don't you think?" Minami remarked. "It'd be pretty convenient if she could get out of your way…"

Machi Kuragi looked straight into Minami Kinoshita's eyes, and after a few moments, let her mouth open to merely say, "Out of whose way, Kinoshita-senpai?"

Minami hoped, desperately, that Number 2 had done a better job than she had.


Motoko Minagawa had a lovely view of the courtyard from her little bench outside the science building. She could see where Machi would soon be leaving her locker, where Tohru Honda and her psychic and yankee friends would be starting towards that orange-haired kid's locker, and where Yuki would be exiting the Student Council room—undoubtedly doing something quite official and important.

That was mostly why she usually chose this bench. There was a splendid view of Yuki's physique from there, and a thirty-two percent chance he'd see her and wave hello.

Today, however, she needed it for all three of its benefits. And somehow, the entire Prince Yuki Fan Club felt they could squeeze alongside her on this tiny bench, just to get a perfect view of the catfight about to take place.

For finally, finally, Motoko Minagawa's plan would succeed.


"Ah! Sohma-san!"

With a quick wave and a brilliant smile, Tohru ran towards Yuki just as the door to the Student Council room opened. To her relief, he was alone, and so was she; she'd kindly asked Hana and Uo to let her talk to him alone today. There were rumors to be dispelled.

"Honda-san, you seem in a hurry today," he commented, returning her smile as he locked the door behind him. Her cheeks did seem flushed, and her gaze distant; it didn't taken a genius to see something was on her mind. "Is something wrong?"

"N-no, not really, I mean…it's, um…" She bit her lip, and laughed nervously. "Not exactly. I don't think so anyway. It's just…well…I wanted to tell you I'm fine with you dating Machi Kuragi."

He stared; blushing even more, Tohru added, "I'm sure that she'll make you happy, and I know that's what's important: that you're happy. I mean, I could never see us as…er, at least, I don't think I could see us as, anyway, something more…um…"

Her words trailed off into silence, and Yuki continued to stare. "Honda-san, what…please excuse me, but I have no idea what it is you're talking about." He smiled awkwardly. "Machi is a lovely girl, but I don't think she—"

"Ah! Kuragi-san!"

Yuki blanched; Tohru waved; Machi paused midstep. "How are you?" Tohru greeted her. "Sohma-san and I were just talking about—"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," Yuki interrupted, averting Machi's curious gaze.

"Oh. Okay."

Machi began to walk away again, but Tohru kept her back, exclaiming, "W-wait! Um…Kuragi-san, I don't mean to be forward, but I just want you to know that I don't want us to be enemies."

"WHAT?!" screamed the Yuki fangirls from their bench.

"I mean, if you love Yuki and he loves you, then why should I stand between the two of you?" Tohru continued, oblivious to their melancholy chorus. "I—I just wanted you two to know that you shouldn't break up on my account or…um…anything. I'll find my special someone." She smiled. "I'm just so happy the two of you have found each other!"

Yuki had never so desperately wished to be invisible in his life.

Neither had Machi.

But Motoko Minagawa, however, had other wishes.

"Oh, for God's sake!" she shouted, standing up. "You're just going to let him have her? After all you've been through with him, you're just going to let Machi put her dirty little hands on him?! No! That's not how life works. That's not how you keep the man you love from selfish, undeserving, man-stealing sluts!"

The Prince Yuki Fan Club president's plans had been foiled many a time. In fact, not a single plan of hers had worked. But this plan—the plan of all plans—would not be labeled a failure so easily.

There was only one way to invoke jealousy in anyone.

And that, was to claim what you desired.

So Motoko Minagawa, very deliberately, walked towards Yuki Sohma, took his head in her hands, and kissed him.

After that, all hell broke loose.


Many people would try to explain what happened in those five minutes. Some say that Tohru started the fight herself by throwing herself, snarling, at the lip-locked senior; others say that she shoved Motoko away from Yuki in an effort to "protect" him (something only Haru, Kyo, and Momiji seemed to understand).

However, the basic belief is as follows:

That Motoko Minagawa kissed Yuki full on the mouth, and immediately after, a loud cry erupted from the Fan Club seated at the bench. "Traitor!" they screamed. "Slut!" "How dare you steal my Yuki-kins?!" In an angry sea of schoolgirls, they attacked their leader: pulling her hair, kicking her, screaming, and all sorts of other horrible jealous things.

There are rumors that Minami Kinoshita beat her with a pogo-stick, but they are still unconfirmed.

Afterwards, there were about fourteen wounded—including Motoko Minagawa, who suffered a broken elbow, a swollen lip, and a very bad bruise on her left thigh (as well as a bad hair day).

She laid in the hospital bed, blinked her eyes a few times, and turned to the remote by her side. Flipping through the channels, she was disgusted to see "Schoolgirls Gone Wild," "Crazy Catfight at Kaibara," and "Flying Fists Leave Fourteen Injured" as the news' latest headlines. The whole thing had shown up on Youtube thanks to a certain Kakeru Manabe; Motoko made a mental note to get rid of him next.

More importantly, Tohru and Machi were not on the wounded list. To Motoko's shock and disbelief, they had gone out to rent a movie—Mogeta Strikes Back! The Sequel—along with her poor, innocent, beguiled prince.

At least, that's what her sources told her.

Motoko sighed, leaning back on her pillow. Her plans had all amounted to nothing. Again.

Although…she had kissed Yuki Sohma, hadn't she?!

"Oh my God! I kissed Yuki Sohma!" Motoko screamed, sitting up again. The nurse gave her patient a quizzical glance, hearing only "OmigudIkizzedukiohma" from Motoko's swollen lips. She sighed once again--a delirious, happy sigh--and closed her eyes as she replayed the memory and over in her mind.

Nothing could spoil this moment.

Not even the restraining order Yuki Sohma had ordered against her.

No, not even that.


End Note: Yeah, this was a crazy one. I'd actually been reading a lot of Jane Austen before I wrote this, so the writing turned out oddly formal, but…eh. I don't think I'm a funny person though, so this might have been stupid. Oh, well. I liked writing it. XD