POM: Buried Treasure
Chris Griffin had gotten into trouble with his parents for "lying" about the evil monkey in his closet. So he had to go over to the POM (perverted old man)'s house. POM told him that he had to wear his centipede costume because POM thought it was sexy. "Mom, do I have to do this?" Chris asked Lois when he was putting his centipede costume on. "Yes, Chris." Lois said in an angry tone, "Mr. Herbert (POM) is a very sick old man and he needs your help." Chris wasn't going to argue with her. He walked over to POM's house in his centipede costume. Chris found a note in the pocket:
Hi, Chris! MMM… you sure look sexy in your centipede costume. Sorry I can't watch you prance around, but there was an underwear fashion show at Abercrombie kids and I just HAD to go. Jesse (POD: Perverted Old Dog) has some buried treasure. Hope you can find it!
Chris didn't know what "buried treasure" meant, but he would find out once he opened the door. Chris opened the door to POM's house. Pirate music was playing in the background, and POD was wearing a pirate hat. And for some reason, there was a pirate ship in the living room filled with jewels in the shape of ladybugs. Now, why would POM and POD want more treasure when they already had all these beautiful ladybugs? "MMM…" said POD when he came out of the pirate ship wearing a pirate hat with a POP (Perverted Old Parrot) on his shoulder. "MMM…" said POP. "Oh, God." Chris groaned. "Hi, dog. Hi, parrot." Chris said in an annoyed voice, not even looking at the POA's (perverted old animals). Both POD and POP were staring at Chris's package in an aroused fashion. "I'M NOT HERE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" The POA's were disappointed.
"Okay," Chris said, "Let's just get this over with. The stupid perverted old man told me that the stupid perverted old dog had some treasure, now tell me where it is." POD crawled up the ramp of the pirate ship and POP got a note out of the mass of jeweled ladybugs. "Oh, great, not another note." Chris said. He was really getting tired of this stupid little game. The note read:
If you want to find the treasure, it's not the jeweled ladybugs. They're just there because they are. The real treasure is somewhere in my underwear drawer. MMMM….
"GOD!" Chris screamed, "Now we're going to have to look in that disgusting old man's underwear drawer! EEEWW! Come on, dog. Come on, parrot." And POD and POP followed him. When Chris got into POM's room, he was completely freaked out. He saw pictures of Mackaulay Culkin, Haley Joel Osment, Lil Bow Wow, Frankie Muniz, and Aaron Carter adorning the walls. And they were all in their underwear. Chris didn't want to think about why. Or how. He also saw a large, framed picture of himself and POM sitting at dinner the time POM had taken him out to eat at that restaurant. It was a SHRINE. The old man had placed dried flower petals and candles all around the picture. And it had that creepy Old Man Spice smell….
Chris just shook his head. POD sniffed the old man's underwear drawer, and Chris opened it. There were many bizarre things in the underwear drawer: One of those little rainbow hats with a propeller on top, boxer underwear with ducks, flowers, trucks, and teddy bears on it, and a very thick, large golden envelope. Chris decided this must be where the buried treasure is, and then he could finally stop this stupid game. POP opened the envelope and said, "MMMM…" "Oh, what now!" Chris screamed. He looked at the contents of the envelope. "AAAA!" Now Chris was really scared. They were pictures of HIM, mowing POM's lawn, all sweaty, that time he had to bend over to pick up the rake, and other times he looked suggestive (and sexy to POM). There was yet another note enclosed in the envelope:
There, Chris, you sexy scoundrel! You found my buried treasure! Now for Part 2 of my Treasure Hunt: You must decorate my pirate ship with the pictures and glitter glue and stickers, you know, make it look appealing to the little kids around the neighborhood. The art supplies are right by the drawer.
Okay, Chris thought, I am NEVER coming back here again. Suddenly, the song "Fergalicious" started playing in the background for no apparent reason. POP and POD started dancing, while they and Chris decorated the pirate ship. As soon as they were done, Chris got the hell out of there.
Chris walked into his house panting. "How was working for Mr. Herbert?" Lois asked. Chris just cried and ran to his room. When he flopped onto his bed, the evil monkey bared his teeth and pointed at Chris. "Stop it, Meg!" Chris shouted, and the evil monkey left him alone.