A/N: I know it's been like forever and a day since I last updated this. But fear no more! Randomness for all of you! (all of my friends cheer wildly) That's right…bow down… Oh and btw, this is just going to get randomer and randomer and make less and less sense as we go on so be prepared!
Chapter 3: Anthony Is a Fagtard
And so the merry trio made it to the end of the bridge, Mrs. Lovett and Toby hopping off first. Out of nowhere, Anthony ran into Sweeney screaming: "MR. TODD! MR. TODD!"
Sweeney lost his balance and fell over the edge of the bridge, hanging onto the rickety boards for dear life. "ANTHONY, YOU FAGTARD! You have the absolute worstest timing of anybody ever in the history of the world and if you do not help me back up right now, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring-hand!"
"Okey doke!" Anthony exclaimed, pulling Sweeney back onto the bridge.
After taking a deep breath and dusting himself off, Sweeney grabbed Anthony and as calmly as he could manage, screamed in face, "Now…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
"Nothing in particular," Anthony replied, "I just like to burst in at random moments, secretly hoping to ruin your life further and push you to the brink of insanity. …I have no life."
"Whatever," Sweeney said, tossing him over the bridge. A comical falling noise is heard, followed by the noise of Anthony exploding as he hits the bottom of the ravine. Sweeney looked back over to Mrs. Lovett and Toby who were now playing patty-cake, sitting indian style on the grass.
"Come on, Sweeney!" Mrs. Lovett said, jumping to her feet, "Let's continue our journey to Candy Mountain!"
"How bout no?" Sweeney suggested but before he could do anything about it, Mrs. Lovett had him by the wrist and was dragging him along behind her and Toby.
Sweeney's eye twitched as Toby pestered him with the most annoying and stupid questions he'd ever heard: "Where does chocolate sauce come from? Does my finger smell weird? What's a tax exemption? Do you like to watch old men fish? Do you secretly find Bugs Bunny attractive when he puts on makeup and dresses up like a girl bunny?"
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID LITTLE TWERP!" Sweeney exploded angrily, "YOU ARE A FILTHY LITTE DRUNK WHO TAKES ORDERS FROM MRS. LOVETT EVEN THOUGH SHE PLANS FOR ME TO KILL YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL KNOW TOO MUCH AND WANT TO GO TO THA COPPAS!"
Toby seemed unphased, "Anything else?"
"SANTA CLAUS DOESN'T EXIST!!"
Toby's lip wiggled and he burst into tears, "No! Say it's not true! SANTA!!"
Mrs. Lovett tried to comfort the squalling boy, "It's okay. I was devestated when I discovered that the Easter Bunny doesn't exist."
"NO EASTER BUNNY?!" Toby cried, having a full out nervous breakdown.
"Whatever. I tried," Mrs. Lovett shrugged and dragged Toby away by the leg.
A bit further down the path, our little group of murders came upon a strangely colored cat in a tree.
"Who the hell are you?" Sweeney asked and the cat laughed insanely.
"I am who I am not supposed to be when you think I'm someone else," The cat said, a broad demented smile on its face.
Sweeney picked up a conviently placed golf club and threw it at the cat who turned invisible just in time. The cat reappeared behind Sweeney, swinging the golf club wildly.
"I'll teach you to mess with the Cheshire cat!" The cat chased Sweeney around in circles.
"AAAAH! Help me somebody! Help me Tom Cruise with your crazy voo-doo magic! Teach me how to levitate like Criss Angel! Save me Oprah Winfrey!" Sweeney screamed as the cat laughed wickedly.
Mrs. Lovett pulled a rolling pin out from between her boobs and whacked the cat on the head. The cat passed out, little birds circling its head. She then turned to smile at Sweeney.
"This doesn't mean I'm going to marry you," he said, "By the way…what else do you keep in there?"
Mrs. Lovett reached back into her boobs and pulled out a frying pan, a VCR, a newspaper, a Micheal Jackson CD, a half plucked chicken, and a fuzzy pair of handcuffs. Sweeney and Toby stared at her awkwardly.
"Um…I'm not going to ask…" Sweeney said, edging slowly away from Mrs. Lovett.
"BAHAHA!" Snape laughed abnoxiously, tapping his stubby, unkempt fingers together. "Now you shall suffer the flan torture!"
Princess Bunhead was tied to a chair and the members of the Bubble Gum Tribe were forcing huge, nasty globs of flan into her mouth. All the while, the fish from Finding Nemo were chanting: "Oh-ee-wah-hii-ah-ho-ho-ho!"
"Ah, wormtail!" Snape said as his accomplise entered the room.
"Aren't I supposed to be Beadle Bamford in the story?" he asked.
"Uh no, didn't you get the memo?"
"I guess I didn't. Crap. Let me go change costume real quick."
"Alrighty-roo," Snape said and continued to pervishly watch Princess Bunhead writhe agony for the flanny death was upon her.
A/N: May flanny death be upon those who do not review!