When our two souls stand up erect and strong,
Face to face, silent, drawing nigh and nigher,
Until the lengthening wings break into fire
At either curved point—what bitter wrong
Can the earth do to us, that we should not long
Be here contented? Think. In mounting higher,
The angels would press on us and aspire
To drop some golden orb of perfect song
Into our deep, dear silence. Let us stay
Rather on earth, Beloved,--where the unfit
Contrarious moods of men recoil away
And isolate pure spirits, and permit
A place to stand and love in for a day,
With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I looked down at the blade, the one that would take my life from me in a few seconds' time. The inevitability of this moment was taking my breath away and provided the needed momentum for my actions. My blood would soon be spilled; but for what purpose? For the preservation of love? For my own petty weaknesses? Were those viable reasons to end a life?
I was all too aware of the fact that this was an enemy I couldn't face. I just wasn't strong enough on my own anymore. Maybe I could have survived this blow when I was younger and whole, but I couldn't now. I had been broken into too many pieces. I had shattered long ago, and I innately understood that I was too lost to be saved.
At least I would be dying to give someone else the life that they deserved. She was far more worthy of happiness than I had ever been. What had I ever brought the world other than disgrace, stupidity, and pain? Ever since my birth, I'd been a problem to everyone around me. That dreadful legacy was going to end, here and now.
But where would I go? What would be waiting for me on the other side? Heaven? Hell? Wherever I was, wherever I would end up, it was all part of the journey. My time here on earth was over now. Heaven perhaps would be overbearing in all of its perfection with angels and fluffy clouds, but then I was used to being the drab sparrow in the midst of magnificent hawks and beautiful doves. Perhaps in heaven, this drab little sparrow could find some measure of peace…somehow. That would give heaven points over earth in my book, anyway.
The clouds passed over the sun for a minute, but then it blazed forth again, even more brightly than I'd ever remembered seeing it before. It was amazing in all its glory and ferocity. I shrugged. It made no difference. The sun couldn't warm me ever again. I would never have to face its burning warmth and be reminded of everything I had lost. Grotesque in all its light and fake cheerfulness, I was momentarily blinded. It didn't matter, though.
I looked down to face the darkness.