Typical Disclaimers Apply

A/N: I now present to you, my faithful readers: the second installment of my five-part series!


Harry Potter sat at the bottom of the stairs, resting his chin in his hands. It had been early in the morning when a small, twitching owl flew through his window, bearing word from his dear godfather, Sirius Black. It seemed that he and his girlfriend, Hogwarts professor and distant relative of Harry, Esmeralda Slain, would be coming to pick him up in no more than a week. His aunt and uncle had seemed neither excited nor disappointed at the news, although they did flinch violently at the mention of Sirius' name. Of course, once he had received their permission, he had gone to pack his bag and park himself at the bottom of the stairs. He swore not to move until they arrived.


"So who is this godfather of yours and why are you living with us instead of him?" Vernon Dursley inquired angrily. He seemed rather angry that his dear nephew would be living in his house for the next few hours, although his could be upset that the dear nephew was obstructing his use of the stairs.

"I told you before: he doesn't have a house," Harry said plainly. He was tired of dealing with his uncle's constant questions about Sirius. "He's living with his girlfriend Esme now, she's about twenty, and she is also a distant relative of mine." Petunia Dursley had nearly fainted when Harry had told her that his godfather lived with a girlfriend fourteen years his junior. Of course, Harry had neglected to add that Sirius also lived with his girlfriend's parents and seven siblings.

"How are they getting here?" Vernon stared out the window, as if he expected them to come flying into the house on broomsticks. Although it wouldn't have surprised Harry; from what he'd heard of Esme, that was just the kind of stunt she'd pull.

"In his letter he said they were using 'our' kind of transportation," Petunia turned to Harry, "I assume he means human?"

"He's not going to fly dragons up here." Harry smirked, "Though Esme does have access to a great amount of black-market hippogriffs."

"Stop talking so loud, boy! Someone may hear you!" Vernon hissed through his teeth.

"Yeah, but she said that getting them sometimes involves nudity, and you have to surrender your pride to get them…then Sirius made me leave the room." The Dursleys stared. They stared long and hard. Harry grinned and stretched out on the stairs.

The staring was interrupted by the roar of a motorbike squealing to a halt in front of the house. Loud voices came from outside, "Are you sure this is the right house?" Both Dursleys turned at the cheery male voice coming from right outside their foyer.

"It's the address Ron gave us." A familiar female voice joined the man's.

"Yes, but how well can you trust Ron? He's fourteen and not very bright."

"True…only one way to find out," suddenly the front door was kicked open by a black-haired young woman in leather. Not very much leather, mind you, just a very short black leather suit and knee high, high-heeled boots. Her accomplice was in tight black pants, low-heeled boots, a tight T-shirt and a leather vest, along with a ponytail, which Petunia Dursley disapproved of instantly. "Oh look Sirius," the young woman, Esme, said cheerfully, "we did get it right! Hello Harry; Harry's relatives! We've come to whisk you off to a summer of magic and wonder!"

"Stop talking so loud, you…leather clad harlot!" Petunia snapped, shutting the door. Esme stood awkwardly in the silence.

"So should we head into the parlor for tea?" She inquired as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What?" Vernon growled, obviously hoping to get these "freaks" out of his house as soon as possible, "We typically don't dine with…your kind."

"Well if we're going to be adopting Harry we should know something about where he's coming from," Esme said, widening her eyes innocently. Petunia's face suddenly split into a smile.

"Adopting? Please come in…dear."

Esme caught a glimpse of Sirius's astonished face as he mouthed to her, "Adopting? What the fuck?"

She winked and mouthed back, "I'm getting paid by Fred and George to record this! Twenty galleons and free tea!" She raised what looked like a small Muggle recording machine. Sirius shrugged, defeated. Esme strutted into the kitchen, her stiletto heels sounding like horses' hooves on the hardwood. Dudley caught sight of the barely-leather clad woman and his jaw hit the floor. She winked seductively, earning reproachful looks from everyone else in the room.

"So, dear, what is it that you do," Petunia inquired, setting out some tea, "prostitution?"

"Um, no, I'm a teacher at Harry's school. So is Sirius."

"Ah I see that the standards for education in your world are a bit lower than the ones in ours." Vernon said, almost laughing. Esme's eyes narrowed.

"What exactly are you saying?"

"It just seems that, in the real world, you two would probably be on the bottom rung of society." Sirius began gesturing madly, waving his arms in elaborate patterns, trying to get Vernon to shut up, and failing miserably.

"Excuse me?" Esme shrieked.

"It's simply the way you dress and of course, his motorbike…"

"Are you placing us in the gutter because of the way we dress?"

"Well, yes, I mean to dress like that you must not be very bright or have a sense of decency. I'm merely saying that you two dress as if you were a lady of the evening and her, er, manager, which is what you probably would be if you were normal." This touched a nerve in both Esme and Sirius. Well, not really touched, more poked and hit and stomped on. They leapt up in unison.

"'If we were normal?'" Esme cried, "What the fuck do you mean by 'normal'? You mean weak and powerless, like a Muggle?" Vernon shrunk back, "Look, mister, I worked hard to get where I am and I am not going to have some idiot Muggle attempt to cut me down to what he thinks I should be!"

At the same time Sirius was shouting, "Bottom rung! You don't know bottom rung! You think a prostitute and her pimp have it bad? Try prison, you useless son of a bitch! Try spending twelve years in hell for a crime you didn't commit!" He grabbed Esme's wrist, "C'mon babe, let's go."

"Right behind you love." Then they stomped out, leaving Harry, bewildered, sitting at the table. After about five minutes Sirius stomped back inside and grabbed Harry.

"Forgot my godson," he muttered.


"Mummy," Esme whined upon entering the kitchen, "the mean old man called me a prostitute. Do I have permission to murder him and make it look like self defense?" The three had just returned from a bumpy ride on Sirius's motorbike, which he had gotten back from Hagrid, and Harry had just finished vomiting in the yard. Now they were about to sit down to lunch.

"Perhaps, dear, if you wore less leather, they wouldn't mistake you for a lady of the night," Arthur Weasley said tentatively from the table.

"Nonsense Daddy; this is how Muggles dress!"

"I think you look wonderful," Sirius said softly, earning himself a full kiss on the lips, right in front of Molly and Arthur.

"Not in the kitchen and not near the children!" Molly cried, brandishing her spoon, "Now if you have to go snog, go snog where there aren't any people." Grinning, the pair ran out of the room, "And I've locked you out of your rooms!" she called after them.

"Damn it!" Harry heard Esme cry from the hallway. Molly shook her head at her daughter's behavior.

"Those two. It's like the rules of life don't apply to them," she sighed.

"Don't you ever worry that she might be getting in over her head?" Harry asked.

"Oh never. Don't tell Esme but," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "I highly doubt their relationship will even go anywhere. They're both so flighty it'll probably be over within the month."

"Or they'll get married," Arthur said, grinning.

"Oh don't say such a thing, Arthur! Once Sirius realizes he's free from prison, he'll want to date girls his own age."

"Now, I wouldn't be so sure. Sirius was just a bit older than Esme when he was sent to Azkaban; they probably still share that same, young mentality." Arthur shrugged, smirking a bit.

"You don't think prison changes people?" Molly said, her voice raising just the slightest. "We should just let their relationship run its course. I bet you ten galleons that before the time they head off to Hogwarts they will have broken up for good." As she finished making her bet, Ginny wandered into the room, looking a bit pink and stunned.

"Dad?" she began. "Esme and Sirius were snogging in the tool shed when I guess they leaned too hard against a wall and the whole thing collapsed. I think they're okay, but they killed a couple of gnomes." She paused, "I just thought it'd be good for you to know."

Arthur smirked at Molly, "I will take your bet."